Chapter 37
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Gavin
“FUCK!” My fingers threaded into my hair and I tugged.
Why?
Why the fuck do these things always happen to me?
As I released my hair, I stood upright just in time to see her tear-arsing out of the car park, all I could do was stand by and watch her leave.
Why the fuck didn’t I follow her to her car?
Fuck, I’m an idiot. I’d let her go. I should have made her listen to me.
Whirling around back to the security door, I yanked hard on the handle, but it didn’t budge.
It took me two attempts to realise that it was locked.
“Fuck!” Patting the pockets in my shorts, I realised I had no fob to get in.
I stabbed the button for my apartment, keeping my finger on it until Nikki answered it.
As soon as I heard her voice I spoke, “Let me in.” I was fucking angry, but it was at nobody but myself.
Why did I open that bottle? Although nothing had happened, how the fuck did I get her to believe me?
I ran along the hallway until I reached my front door and shoved it open. “She’s fucking gone.” I yelled, “Fuck knows what’s going through her head.”
“Do you want me to talk to her?”
My neck rolled and I looked at Nikki. “Are you fucking joking?” I asked bemused. “You think she’s gonna listen?”
“It’s worth a try.” She shrugged, “I mean we didn’t do anything.”
“I know that, and you know that,” I pointed between us, “even these four walls know that, but she doesn’t.
” I dropped my arse into the couch and put my face in my hands.
“All she knows is that me and you have a past, and she’s still reeling from yesterday.
She’s put two and two together and come up with fucking five.
I walked away from her, Nik. I walked away from my unborn child because I couldn’t deal, and now this.
I’ll be lucky if she ever looks at me again, let alone talks to me.
” The seat dipped next to me, and with my brows heavy over my eyes, I looked at Nikki. “As ever, Gav fucks everything up.”
“If you won’t let me go see her, then you go. Make her listen, Gav.”
I growled through in pure frustration, “Maybe I should ask Roman to talk to her, he's the smooth talking one. He could get anyone out of the shit.” I mumbled behind my hands.
“It’s not a bad idea, but he’s a little caught up with Paisley right now,” Nikki added, “let me help.”
“I don’t know, Nik. I think I need to sort this out by myself, just like you said last night.”
“Aw, the boy’s all grown up.” She joked. But I was in no fucking joking mood.
“Fuck off! This is no time for sarcasm,” my breaths were short and sharp as my hand settled against my chest. I dragged in one breath slowly after another. “What does it mean when you can feel your heart beating, but you just feel numb?”
“I’m guessing that’s love, Gav. I can’t say for certain.” she shrugged again but didn’t look away.
Our eyes met, we smiled slightly at each other as I took in another deep breath and slowly blew it out again, “What are we like?” I rubbed my face and got up, moving towards the large window and looked out. “I think I love her.”
“Think?” Nikki asked.
I turned back to face her, “No. I do love her.” I admitted. My chest became tight with the realisation, it was like a sledgehammer to the heart, because after this, I might have lost her.
How the fuck did I make her see that she was it for me?
“Do you think she’ll take me back?” I never thought I’d ever be able to talk to Nikki like this, but I was glad we’d found some kind of middle ground.
“I can’t say, Gav. I don’t know her well enough, but I’m sure you can work that charm.” She smiled. “I need to get dressed.” She came over and gave me a friendly pat on my back before she disappeared out of the room. I was left with my own fucked up thoughts again as I wondered how to fix this.
I wandered round the apartment like a lost soul once Nikki had left.
My shoulders hunched. I should be there on her doorstep begging, so why the hell was I still here?
I was scared, that’s why. I knew that. I didn’t need it spelt out for me.
I’d learnt more about myself in the time I’d been seeing Karen, than I had in all my adult years.
I pondered for a moment then grabbed my phone and clicked on her name.
K. I swear I didn’t do anything. Can we talk?
I hit send and waited. And waited until half an hour had passed.
We need to talk.
She hadn’t even seen the messages. Or opened them. I didn’t open messages if I didn’t want to answer people.
Please talk to me. I’m begging.
After I waited a little longer, I knew she wasn’t going to answer, I needed to go one step further, I had to show her I meant what I was saying. Fuck this. As I stood from the couch, I pocketed my phone and picked up my keys, clutching them tightly in my hand, and headed out of the door.
The engine rumbled beneath me as I revved it before I sped off.
I shifted gear as I hit the highway, then turned into a back street to get off the main roads until I saw someone selling flowers on a small stall.
I remembered in Malibu how much she loved her flowers, that was a start at least. I bought a big bouquet and paid the old woman, then double-timed it back to my car.
I left them on the passenger seat and sped off again towards Karen’s place.
I abandoned the car outside the front and ran over to the security door, pressing the buzzer.
There was no way I was getting in there unless someone was coming out.
I pressed it again when no one answered, and again, but I was getting fucking impatient.
I had to rein this shit in. After I waited for her to answer for almost twenty minutes, someone was coming out of the front.
“Mate, hold the door.” I thanked him as I passed and ran upstairs to her apartment.
I banged as hard as I could. I needed her to hear me.
I had to get through to her. After I banged on the door again and she still didn’t answer, I pulled out my phone and pressed call.
I waited for it to connect and listened to it ring.
It rang out again and she didn’t answer, so I called again, until a thought hit me.
I pulled my phone away from my ear and pressed my cheek to the front door.
I couldn’t hear anything, not a fucking thing.
Not the telly, nobody shuffling around… she wasn’t in.
The apartment wasn’t that big, so I’m sure I’d hear something from inside, but nope, there was just silence. FUCK.
When I got back in my car, I was feeling more distressed than I was earlier when she’d left.
I sat there for a minute, wondering where she could be, but I didn’t know her well enough to know her hideouts.
I was such a moron. God, I had to stop this self-debasement, it wasn’t good for my well-being.
I needed to go home and figure out where she’d be, and if that meant paying Holly a visit, then I would.
Once I was back in my apartment, I sent a message to Nik:
She wouldn’t answer and when I went there, she wasn’t even there. I think it’s over.
The bubbles bounced to let me know she was answering right away.
You don’t know that, have faith.
I didn’t take you for a quitter, Gav.
My eyes rolled at the message that followed right after. Cheeky bitch. I am a quitter though, that’s exactly what I did when things didn’t go my way.
Fuck it. There’s only so many times I can call, there’s only so many messages that could go unanswered before I gave up.
I collapsed onto the couch and thought about everything that had happened over the last couple of days, and honestly, I only had myself to blame for it all.
With that realisation I got up and grabbed a beer from the fridge.
It was better than going to the casino at least. The lesser of two evils, if you ask me. The rest of the night passed in a blur.
The door banging the next morning had me scrambling from the couch and running to answer it. I yanked it open hoping to see Karen, but it was Roman. I left the door wide open and slinked back into the lounge and onto the couch.
“I’ll make you some coffee, shall I?” Roman offered as he disappeared into the kitchen.
“Whatever.” I mumbled incoherently. I had no idea when the beer turned to Bourbon, but I’d drank enough of it to knock me out anyway. It was probably when the beer ran out and I wasn’t sensible enough to stop.
I could smell the coffee as I heard Roman’s determined steps on my wooden floor.
The sound of the cup hitting the glass table had me peering at him with one eye open, but I closed it straight away.
“What’s going on, then?” Roman asked, like he didn’t know.
I know for a fucking fact that Nikki would have filled him in.
I pulled the cushion from under my head and covered my face with it.
My eyes were just getting used to the blackness when it was removed again.
I groaned as I opened my eyes, the light hit them, straining as they rolled back to the window and saw the curtains were open.
“Shut the fucking curtains.”
“Nope. It’s like someone’s fucking died in here. Get up.”
“How long am I going to have to put up with lectures from you?”
“When you start being a fucking adult, and act like a man.” He threw the cushion to my feet.
“She won’t answer me. What the fuck do you want me to do?” I stared at him for a second, “And what the fuck are you here with me for when your wife is in hospital?”
“Actually, she’s at home. She argued with the doctor to let her come home last night when all the pains had stopped and her BP had dropped to a more normal level. So, Nikki is with Paisley, and you have me.” I wanted to wipe that smug smile off his face.
I groaned. Great.
“Can I ask you a question?” Roman chewed on his lip, I sat up and nodded, “What made you think that when she saw Nikki in one of your T-shirts that she wouldn’t think the wrong thing?
I mean, I know nothing happened…” he paused for a breath, “…did it?” his eyes narrowed.
I was treating that question with the contempt it fucking deserved, and refused to answer.
“I didn’t expect her to turn up. The last time I saw her she told me to leave. How the fuck was I supposed to know. I didn’t expect Nik to turn up either, but as ever, she surprised me.”
“Women mate, don’t ever assume, because you’ll always be fucking wrong.” He breathed in deeply and stared at something over my head, I could see him thinking, I could hear his brain working. “Okay. then you need to see Holly. If she isn’t at home, find out where she is.”
“Easier said than done. She hates me.”
“Who, Karen? I don’t think she hates you really.”
“No, Holly. She fucking hates me, why would she help?”
“Because she loves her friend more, and if I upset Paisley, I know I’d have Nikki on my case and even Lesley, even though she’s back in England. That girl would be on the first plane out and kicking my arse.” I smiled. He was right. He had the third degree when they finally came out as a couple.
“Fuck’s sake.” I covered my face, “I love her, Rome.” I blurted out. Not that he didn’t already think that, but at least I’d told him, finally. As my gaze lifted to his, the slow, know-it-all smile formed on his lips. “Fuck you.” I cursed. I didn’t need this today.
His loud laugh filled the room as he patted my shoulder firmly. “Then go fucking get her. Sort this shit out before you can’t make it back.” I nodded. I knew he was right. I had to swallow my pride and lay it all on the line. And I had to do it today.