33. Chapter Thirty-three
Chapter Thirty-three
Samantha
Ade: Told you so.
Me: Don’t be smug. It’s unbecoming.
Ade: If I can’t be smug about this, what can I be smug about?
Me: Unbecoming.
Ade: I’m just saying, what would you do without me?
Me: I happen to know I’ll never find out. You’re attached…like a parasite.
Ade: I like to think we have more of a symbiotic relationship.
Me: Like sharks and those little annoying fish that attach themselves to them?
Ade: No, Sammie. Like coyotes and badgers. They’re hunting buddies. Look it up. It’s cool.
Me: You’re obviously the badger.
Ade: Obviously.
Nate swept my hair to the side, kissing my neck. “Is my brother still going on and on about how right he was?”
“Of course.” I tipped my head, capturing his lips with mine. Since that night in room ten, I couldn’t get enough of him. Well, it had been that way before, but then I’d been doing my best to convince myself it wasn’t. That was over now.
We’d spent every night together since. There was a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that maybe we shouldn’t have gone from zero to one hundred, but we’d been in a relationship for months; we just hadn’t called it that.
If anything had changed, it was that we had both dropped what little guard we’d had around one another.
I was afraid. Deathly. But knowing Nate was right there, doing it with me through his fear, made it easier for me to do the same. I’d been miserable without him. Being scared every day was leaps and bounds better than the alternative.
Nate hummed as he read my texts with Adrian. “A badger and coyote? Since when is he an animal expert?”
I put my phone down on his kitchen island and circled my arms around his neck. “He collects random facts so he can pull them out when he wants to win an argument. It’s his way.”
He tugged me closer, his palm sliding over my backside. “So you’re a coyote?” The corner of his mouth hitched. “I always thought coyotes were cute.”
“Shut up.” I laughed, giving his chest a shove with absolutely no force behind it. “You’ve never had a single thought about a coyote in your life.”
“I’m sure I’ve had at least a single thought about them.” He gave my butt a light tap. “I’m ready to head out. Are you still sure you want to come with me?”
“I’m sure. As long as she doesn’t mind.”
“She doesn’t. I told you that.”
I touched my lips to his. “Just making sure.”
He said he was okay, but his grip on my hand was tight as we rode the elevator down to the parking garage.
And when he shut the passenger door after I’d settled inside, I watched him stand at the back of his car through the side-view mirror.
He took several deep breaths, his hands braced on top of his head.
Visiting Louise was never easy on him, but lately, he’d returned looking worn out and wrung dry.
He’d told me she was getting worse, that he suspected she was nearing the end.
He hadn’t asked me to come, but I hated the idea of him doing this alone.
His brothers had no interest in being around her, and I didn’t blame them—she’d burned those bridges herself.
But Nate had it in his head he needed to see this through, so I was determined to be there with him.
The drive to Louise’s place was short and quiet. He kept his hand on my knee the whole way, and I kept mine on top of his. I wasn’t confident I’d be great at comforting him if he needed it, but I hoped my presence was a little bit of a relief.
“Do you think I’m an idiot for coming here?”
“No,” I replied without a beat of hesitation. “I’d do the same. If my mom or dad were sick, I’d be there for them, despite it all.”
He huffed. “I don’t know if that’s a good thing.”
“Probably not. I don’t know if you taking on Louise’s final days is a good thing either. But sometimes you just have to do it and deal with the consequences after.” I squeezed his hand. “I’ll be there. Now, and later, if you need me.”
He took in a shaky breath. “Oh, I have no doubt I’m going to need you.”
I liked that. Not Nate feeling needy, but that he knew he could come to me.
That he wanted to. He was so vastly different from the other men I’d dated.
They wouldn’t have dreamed of ever showing a sliver of weakness, dealing with shitty days and their fear of not measuring up by plowing through the streets of Denver, yelling at waiters, or criticizing the length of my skirts. Nate would never.
Louise’s nurse let us inside her apartment.
Nate’s hand was warm and firm around mine as he led me to his mother, propped up in a hospital bed beside a large picture window.
She watched us approach with shrewd eyes.
The sharpness in her gaze was in stark contrast to the rest of her, which was so muted she nearly blended in with her white sheets.
“Hello.” Her voice wobbled.
Nate brought me to the side of her bed, his hand sliding to my back. “Hey, Mom. Do you remember me asking if I could bring Samantha?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Of course. How could I forget?”
I waved and immediately felt stupid. But what was the MO when meeting your boyfriend’s dying mother?
“Hi, Louise,” I said. “I think we met when I was younger, but—”
“Your hair was so blond it was nearly see-through.” Her mouth slid into something like a smile, but it was pinched, pained. “You and Adrian giggled over everything. I don’t think I’d ever heard him laugh as much as he did when he’d started bringing you around.”
I didn’t know what to say, but Nate spoke up. “Just today, he told her they’re like a badger and coyote.”
Her gaze slid to her son, her mouth working like she was chewing something. “Symbiotic?”
I let out a soft laugh. “That’s what he said. I don’t know where he comes up with half his ideas.”
She reached out, clutching my hand with papery fingers. “Does he still read everything he can get his hands on?”
I nodded. “He does. He’s always got a book going. Sometimes one at work, an audiobook in his car, and one on his nightstand. So many times I’ve asked him what he’s preparing for with all his reading, but I never get a straight answer.”
With a smile, she sank back on her pillow, and her hand slipped from mine. “I can’t believe you’re still such good friends.” She barely tipped her head toward Nate. “What does Adrian think of this?”
“He’s okay with it,” I said.
Nate moved his hand up my back to squeeze my nape. “He likes us together. At least now that we’ve gotten our shit together.”
I turned to him, grinning. “It took us a while.”
“Nate finally took his brother’s advice,” Louise said.
I raised a brow. “What was his advice?” I hadn’t heard about this.
He cleared his throat, looking vaguely uncomfortable. “He told me not to give up on you. He…uh, said to push you.”
“He would say that,” I muttered. “Adrian pushes everyone. He thinks he knows what’s best for everyone, but I offer him even a little advice—”
“He’s mortally offended,” Nate finished. “There aren’t many worse things you can do than imply he doesn’t know everything.”
“Exactly.” I had to giggle. It was so true. But Adrian made it endearing. “It’s no wonder he’s so smug about us being together.”
“He thinks it’s all due to his machinations.” Leaning in, he kissed the side of my head. “Maybe he gets a little credit.”
Louise made a sound between a sob and a laugh, pulling our attention back to her. I didn’t know her, so I couldn’t quite read her expression.
“Are you okay?” Nate tugged on her blankets, pulling them higher on her chest. “Can I get you something?”
“No, no.” She patted his hand. “I was enjoying listening to the two of you. And hearing about my boys. It just…got to me.”
I didn’t know how to comfort her, or if it was my place to try. I did know Adrian wouldn’t want me spilling anything deeply personal about him, but surely there were other things I could say. Something to make this easier…
Nate was two steps ahead of me, telling her about what he and Roman were up to at work while brushing his knuckles over hers in a way that made my heart clench. This tenderness was more than obligation. He cared for her.
This was going to hurt.
Not now, but soon.
I had to be prepared. Had to fortify myself with steel so I could be strong for him. Wrap myself in cotton to be a soft place for him to fall.
Maybe he wouldn’t need any of that, but if he did, I’d be ready.
Over the next two weeks, visiting Louise with Nate became a habit.
Sometimes, I arrived before him and sat with her until he got off work, babbling about my day and sharing snippets of my interactions with Adrian to give her something.
I wasn’t sure she deserved anything of him, but when it made the lines around her mouth fade and her eyes flutter closed like she’d found a few seconds of peace, how could I not?
Adrian was aware I was visiting Louise with Nate.
I’d had to tell him, so he’d know how close to the end she was.
He stayed firm on his stance of having no desire to see her, and I didn’t blame him at all.
Neither did Nate. Ben also wanted nothing to do with their mother, but Roman had come by a couple times—to support Nate more than anything.
One night, shortly before Nate showed up, Louise’s gaze cleared for a few minutes.
We were holding hands, and not because we had grown especially close.
It had just felt right. She might have screwed up big time, but Nate had forgiven her in all the ways he could, so I had too.
And I didn’t have it in me to sit beside her and let her feel alone.
“Rebecca’s number is in my phone book. When I go, let her know, will you?”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to call her before?”
“No,” she whispered. “We said our goodbyes. But…I don’t want her to wonder. I promised she’d know when it happened. Please keep that promise for me.”
“I will. Of course I will.”
Her next breath was longer, filled with relief. “I can tell you love them both. I was worried about that—that maybe one woman loving two of my sons wouldn’t work, but…you have a big heart, Samantha. You’ll love them the way they each need.”
“Nate and I haven’t said—”
She pinned me with a frank stare, impossible to hide from. “You don’t have to say. I have two eyes. They’re about the only thing that still work. I’m glad I got to see what I have these past few months. I know they’re in good hands.”
There was no arguing with that. Nate and I weren’t there yet…
I didn’t think. But at this point, it was semantics.
I cared for him deeply, and he was in good hands with me.
“They are. Neither of them will ever be alone. And Shira and Mazzy love Roman and Ben more than words can say. All four will be taken care of.”
“I don’t doubt you at all,” she replied, her eyes drifting closed.
It was a Sunday morning when Louise turned a bend she wouldn’t come back from. Nate called Roman shortly after we arrived, letting him know it was coming. He texted Ben and Adrian, just in case they changed their minds.
Roman showed up within the hour. Adrian and Ben gently declined.
We crowded around Louise’s bed, listening to her slow, shallow rasps. Roman had his arm around Nate, stoic except for his rippling jaw. Nate stroked Louise’s knuckles and leaned his head against mine.
It didn’t take long. At least it didn’t feel like it had. Her breaths became more and more spaced out until, at last, it was over. She was gone.
I almost couldn’t believe how smooth the shift from life to death was. One second to the next, everything changed. It stunned me into silence, my stomach churning from the harsh reality of how close all of us were to the other side. Only separated by a single breath.
“That’s it,” Roman said, breaking through the thick layer of our individual thoughts.
“Yeah.” Nate nodded a few times before letting his hand slip away from Louise’s. “What do we do next?”
Roman peered out the window, scrubbing his jaw roughly. “She told me what she wanted. She bought a plot for herself. Had it all planned out. All I need to do is make the call.”
Roman walked off to speak with Louise’s nurse, and Nate turned to me. I pulled him away from Louise’s bed, into the empty living room, and opened my arms.
“Come here.”
He fell against me, and if I hadn’t been braced for it, I would have fallen back. But I was ready. His breath was hot as he buried his face in my neck, but I didn’t feel any tears against my skin.
“You okay?” I slid my fingers through his hair.
He wasn’t crying, so I kept my tears to myself.
I hadn’t really known Louise, but I couldn’t help feeling sad.
Sitting with her the past couple weeks then it all being over like the flip of a switch was jarring.
I couldn’t let myself take a trip down the lane of what it meant for a life to be over, though.
If I did, I wouldn’t be able to stand strong for Nate if he needed me.
“I think so.” He paused, kissing my fluttering pulse a few times. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m glad I was here. It feels…finished.”
“I’m glad I was here too.” I held him tighter, maybe needing him as much as he needed me. “I’ve never seen that.”
“Someone dying?”
“Yeah.”
“Me either.” He kissed the hinge of my jaw and dragged his lips to the corner of my mouth. “Thank you for being here with me. I know this wasn’t the best start to a relationship. I wish it could have been all romance, but…”
“That’s life. We don’t get to pick the perfect moments.” I pulled back, just enough to look at him. He seemed tired, but I didn’t think he was going to fall apart. At least not right now. “I’m honored to have been here with you and Roman and Louise. Thank you for trusting me.”
Shaking his head, he half laughed. “You really are something else. Thanking me when I’ve done nothing but lean on you for weeks.”
“That’s exactly what I wanted you to do. That’s why I’m here.” I pushed his hair from his face, my eyes darting between his. “I promised her I’d call Rebecca.”
His eyes slid closed. “God, Rebecca. I didn’t even think—” He opened his eyes and took my face in his hands. “You don’t have to do that. Rome or I—”
“I promised, Nate.” I kissed his palm then rubbed my cheek against it. “I can’t do much, but I can do this.”
He relented with a sigh of relief and fell heavily into my arms again. And it wasn’t so hard to hold him up, not when he buried his face in my neck and whispered his gratitude for my presence. I’d never felt more wanted.
As difficult and exhausting as these last few weeks had been, there was no place I would have chosen to be but here.
With him.