45
It wasn’t until the middle of the night that the nausea hit him full force. Will had thought he’d gotten out of it by passing out on Dune’s bed, but the pull in his stomach woke him up. He darted into the bathroom, holding back long enough to get the toilet seat up and drop to his knees.
Dune was by his side when he was done. Will wiped his stinging eyes with a tissue. As he turned to take the water bottle from Dune, he saw what looked like regret in his features. “It’s not because of you,” Will said in a hoarse voice. “It isn’t. It’s because of everything. It’s not you.”
“Calm down.” Dune knelt next to him and spoke in a hushed voice.
Will’s stomach lurched. He dropped the bottle, splashing his leg with water. He clutched the toilet as his stomach twisted. His knees went damp as the bottle spilled out onto the floor. He was gasping when it ended.
“Take in deep breaths,” Dune urged.
Will blinked several time as black splotches swam in front of his eyes. “I’m about to pass out.” He reached for Dune, hoping to spare himself falling against the tiled floor.
He was horribly dizzy and had no control over his body.
After what felt like mere seconds, he was able to see again. What greeted him wasn’t the bathroom, but rather Dune’s TV. He was lying on his side with heavy covers draped over him.
“It would be faster to drive him than wait for an ambulance,” Dune was saying to someone. Will blinked the blurriness from his gaze. It was Dune’s father that he was talking to.
His father nodded, pulling the phone from his pocket. “I’ll call and let them know we’re coming. Is he on any medication?”
Dune shook his head.
“Are you sure?”
Dune faltered, but he nodded again. “I’m sure he isn’t.”
Will rubbed his forehead. He was sweaty, and cold. “I don’t need to go to the hospital,” he said.
They both jerked around to him.
Dune was kneeling next to him in only a second. “Don’t get up. You passed out.”
“It’s only because I haven’t eaten enough,” Will reassured him. Except that apparently didn’t do much in the way of reassurance, because Dune’s brow only creased further, and his dad still had his phone ready to dial.
Will sat up despite Dune’s protests. “I’m fine.” He rubbed his temples to try soothe the pounding in his head. “Could I have some water?”
The cold water soothed his burning throat and settled into his empty stomach. It hurt to have anything in there, as if his stomach lining had been eroded and left raw. Will rubbed his stomach gently but stopped when he saw the worried look Dune was giving him. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine,” Dune said back. “That wasn’t fine.” He gestured wildly to the bathroom.
“Dune—”
“No, no you’re not brushing this off.” Dune stood up, his voice rising with him. “This isn’t okay. This can’t be what happens when you have a bad day—”
Putting a hand on Dune’s shoulder, his father said, “Son. Will doesn’t need you to yell at him.”
“I’m not—” Dune cut himself off and then lowered his voice. “I’m not yelling.”
Will hated how upset Dune was. It made his heart quicken unpleasantly. “I’m going to head home.”
Dune jolted and knelt in front of Will. “You don’t need to go. I’m sorry for getting upset with you.”
“You don’t need to apologize for anything,” Will said. “But I do need to go home.” What he’d done was finally dawning on Will, and the mess he’d left at home started to scare him. What if his dad had gone to the principal? What if Will had ticked him off, and now Gabriel would have to pay the price?
Dune studied his face before nodding. “I’ll drive.”
“ I’ll drive,” Mr Coyne corrected.
Will had somehow forgotten he was there, listening. But he found it didn’t even bother him. The whole school knew about him. Rumours would spread to parents, parents would share it with friends, and on and on until everyone knew. What was the point in even trying to hide?
“Thank you.”
Dune insisted on coming for the drive, and when they pulled up outside the house, he looked as though he was going to try to convince Will to come back with him. A look from his father silenced him.
“Call, and I’ll be right over.” Dune squeezed his hand. “Okay?”
“Okay.” Will agreed, knowing he wouldn’t be calling. He didn’t want to keep taking advantage of Dune’s feelings. He didn’t have it in him to handle the guilt that came with it. “Thank you, Mr Coyne.” Will said as he got out of the car.
“If you need a helping hand, just give my office a call,” he said.
Will ducked his head down and made his way to his front door. They didn’t pull out of the driveway until Will stepped into the house. The TV hummed. There were footsteps moving around upstairs, and light beamed from the kitchen. Will walked down the hall slowly.
His body was exhausted to the point of collapse, but he knew he couldn’t go to bed yet. He needed to make sure Gabriel was safe. He needed to make sure he hadn’t ruined his life.
His dad was sitting at the head of the kitchen table with a steaming cup of coffee next to him. His brown eyes settled on Will as he walked in.
Will pulled out the chair at the opposite end of the table to his dad. He’d thought about what to say to appease his dad the whole way here. And all of it was soul-crushing promises that he knew he wouldn’t be able to utter if it weren’t for the feeling that he’d already been crushed.
“I can’t promise that I’ll move on from him,” Will said dully, “but I’ll never bring it up again. I won’t bring up the eating thing again, and I’ll make sure it doesn’t affect how I play. I’ll keep up the volleyball. I’ll be the star player. I’ll make you real proud of me.” Will felt raw, staring at the patterned white cloth that covered the dining table. “Don’t report him. He won’t just get fired. He’ll get arrested. And he doesn’t deserve that.”
“ Will.”
Will jumped. He twisted around to find Gabriel standing in the doorway. His jaw was clenched tight, his hands were in fists at his side. Quickly, Will looked to his dad, afraid that he’d report Gabriel for daring to set foot in their house.
But his dad didn’t look angry. His dad’s eyes were glistening. He didn’t cry—that wasn’t possible for his dad—but it was the most upset Will had ever seen him. Without a word, he stood and crossed the room to Will. He squeezed his shoulder. “Don’t promise to give up your own wellbeing for someone else,” his dad said, his voice gruff. “No matter who you’re trying to protect.”
And then he left. Will was stuck wondering what that meant. Did it mean Will didn’t have to do as he’d promised? His dad didn’t tell Gabriel to leave, did that mean—
“He’s right.” Gabriel’s voice was thick.
Will’s mind was whirling. His dad had left them alone together. That had to mean he wasn’t going to tell, right? He followed Gabriel with his eyes as he sat down next to Will. He looked tired. “What are you doing here?” Will asked.
“I was looking for you,” Gabriel answered. “When you weren’t here, I figured you went to Dune’s house.” His expression twitched. “And I couldn’t exactly show up there in the middle of the night looking for you without arousing suspicions.”
Will folded his arms on the table, avoiding Gabriel’s direct eye contact. “And Dad didn’t kick you out?”
“No,” Gabriel answered. “He told me I was free to wait here until you came home. I gather you said something to him earlier?”
Will nodded. “Something stupid. I was scared I’d made him angry, and he’d report you just to spite me. But I guess not.”
“Will?” Gabriel’s voice finally lost all of its anger. “What’s wrong?”
Will stared straight down at the white cover once more, following its pattern with his eyes. He wondered about Gabriel’s question himself. What was wrong? Why wasn’t Will happy right now? His dad leaving the room with Gabriel still here had to mean that he wasn’t going to say anything, and yes, Will was relieved, but why wasn’t he happy?
Gabriel placed his hand on his back, rubbing it gently. “Will?”
“I don’t know,” Will said.
Gabriel had deleted his number. He’d deleted their messages. He was quitting his job.
“Don’t worry about school,” Gabriel said. “It’s not as bad as you think.”
Will nodded, but his mind was moving deeper and further from the man at his side. Why wasn’t he happy? “That isn’t it.” The hurt he was causing Dune flashed in his mind. The trouble he’d almost brought on Gabriel came next. And then what he’d promised his dad to keep him safe. “I gave up,” Will realised.
Gabriel stilled, before pulling his chair closer to Will as he wrapped his arm around him. “Me too. But it’s okay now,” he murmured. “I won’t be your tutor anymore, and we can be together.”
“No.” Will resisted his touch, too afraid to give into it. “I gave up on me . I gave up on getting better, on being happy, on all of it.” Just to keep Gabriel safe. And Will knew that he’d be happy with Gabriel. He knew that he could lean into his arms and he’d feel better. But what about the next time something happened? What would Will be like then? How could he let himself be so dependent on another person? How was that fair to either of them?
And like a big glaring sign in his mind, he had his answer.
It wasn’t .
It just wasn’t.
“I can’t think straight right now. A lot’s happened. I’d like you to—to go.” His voice cracked a little toward the end.
Gabriel’s surprise was clear. “Leave?”
“Please.”
“I—” Gabriel stopped himself from saying more. “Okay.”
Will kept staring at the kitchen table as Gabriel got up, hesitating in the doorway, but continuing when Will didn’t tell him to do otherwise. This was the polar opposite of everything Will wanted. But he was terrified of what he was willing to give up for Gabriel. Terrified of how desperate he was when Gabriel had been able to cut all ties in only a day. As if it were easy for him to turn Will away. He knew that there had been no choice, but knowing didn’t alleviate the fear.
Will’s throat tightened. He scrunched up his shoulders and bowed his head, listening to Gabriel’s footsteps in the hall, and then by the front door. It opened and closed softly. And he was gone. Just like that.