46
Will lay awake, his mind a messy, whirling place, keeping him alert almost the entire night. It was only after daylight started to stream in his window that his exhaustion took over, knocking him out. Those hours of not having to think were bliss, cut short by someone knocking at the front door. Knocking, and knocking, and nobody getting up to answer it.
Will dragged himself from his bed, feeling hollowed out and faint from hunger as he trudged down to the stairs. He wondered at the emptiness of the house, noticing the only car out the front was his own. There was another knock.
Will opened the door to find Jack there. He was dressed in his volleyball clothes, all pale and freckled, with his dirty blond hair a mess, his cheeks red from exertion. Jack’s gaze swept over Will, his expression all soft, all worry. If this had been the start of term, Will would probably have a heart attack appearing in front of Jack when he looked a mess. But now? Now it was like Jack was no different from any other student at school who’d found out about Will because of that brochure.
“Did you run here from the gym?” Will asked. There was no car in sight. He lifted his hands to sign, finding that what had once been as natural as breathing felt rather clumsy now.
Jack was reading his lips anyway. He nodded. “I was worried. I wanted to see if you were okay. If you needed anything?”
Will leaned against the doorway, rubbing his face because his head was pounding something crazy. “I’m good,” he said. He’d eat, even if it was only a slice of toast. He’d eat, and he’d go back to sleep so that this headache would leave him in peace. And then maybe he’d get up for another slice of toast, and sleep again.
“Are we not friends anymore?” Jack asked suddenly.
Will dropped his hand, trying to read Jack’s expression. All he got from it was that he was nervous. He realised that Jack had lost his power over him. That Will didn’t need Jack to like him right now. He had to search, really search himself because he simply didn’t know how to answer Jack’s question. He didn’t know if he was angry about it, if he was sad, or even indifferent. Hunger had eaten all his emotions up, leaving Will with only basic needs, and not much to motivate him to think anything beyond: Is there bread? Is there butter?
“I wouldn’t think so,” Will said. “And I don’t think you should be here pretending you don’t know why.”
Jack had a pained look. “Because Amanda and Birch—”
“Because of how you treated me,” Will held up his hand, stopping Jack. Will found his heart wasn’t in it to argue, or fight. He sighed. “Amanda may have been the one that wanted to leave me out of things, but you’re the one who went along with it. I get that I made it awkward for you. It’s not like I’m blaming it all on you or anything.”
Jack’s face went red, and Will reckoned he wanted to look away so badly, but couldn’t because then he wouldn’t be able to see what Will was saying. Will remembered that back when he had no friends, Jack was the first person to approach and talk to him. And that he’d been the one to invite him to volleyball, and he’d been the one that would invite him places on the weekend, and ask if he wanted to hang out after school. And maybe they would have been friends for years to come if Will hadn’t gotten on Amanda’s bad side.
“I’m sorry,” Jack said.
Will wondered what a Jack without Amanda by his side would look like.
“You shouldn’t let her push you around so much,” Will said.
Jack opened his mouth, as if he were about to object to that. But he caught himself, and he looked to the ground, and then looked back at Will, head-on. “I am sorry,” he said, his voice conveying that he meant it. “And if you ever want to try be friends again, I’d be down for that.”
Will knew now that if Jack and Amanda were a package deal, it was too much for him to handle. He’d had enough of people hating him, and if he had the option of not being around someone who’d throw him dirty looks and pass snide remarks, he was taking it.
“Right,” Will said. “I’m going to go sleep. Do you need a lift back?”
Jack shook his head. “I’ll jog.”
Will found his bread and butter, munching down a slice with a glass of water, and climbed back into bed.
*
“If you were really upset and asked him to leave, of course he’d go,” Dune said through the phone.
“You’re supposed to make me feel better,” Will mumbled from the comfort of his bed. He’d been out of school a week, and there had been no sign of Gabriel. After sleeping on it and actually getting some food into his system, Will was able to realise the colossal mistake he’d made with Gabriel. He should have tried talking to him and tried to explain how he felt, even if it took all night. But it had been a week, and he hadn’t seen or talked to Gabriel.
“I don’t think it’s possible to make you feel better right now,” Dune answered. There were other voices through the line. “If he thought you didn’t want him there, I’m willing to bet he wasn’t going to try to force his feelings on you. How cold were you toward him?”
How cold had he been? “I don’t know. I didn’t look at him.”
“That’s pretty cold,” Dune said.
Will rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. After a week of rest and eating, and he finally felt human again. “I’m going to go to his house.”
Dune was quiet.
Will closed his eyes. “I probably shouldn’t talk about this with you, should I?”
“No, no, that’s not it.” Dune sounded like he was a few feet away from the phone. “Coach is giving me death glares.” A series of angry sounding whistle hoots came through the line. “I gotta go.”
“I’ll talk to you later,” Will said.
“I’ll come by,” Dune corrected. “See you later.”
Before Will could say goodbye back, the line went dead. He dropped the phone onto the mattress next to him. His dad had given him his phone back a few days ago without saying a word. A loud beeping sounded from downstairs. Will straightened, listening to windows and the front door being opened, and heard his dad cursing over the fire alarm.
Since that night, there had been a strange atmosphere in the house. Leah hadn’t been home, claiming she had midterm exams this week and couldn’t visit, and Will hadn’t heard anything from his mom. But his dad had been truly weird. He didn’t avoid Will, and he even tried to make small talk. His dad didn’t do small talk, so it was usually awkward when he tried.
“What’s going on?” Will wandered into the kitchen, waving away smoke as he entered. In the sink was a blackened pot, and his dad was at the stove, trying to salvage whatever was in the pan.
“I had the heat on too high,” his dad answered without turning around. “Take a seat. It’ll be ready in a minute.”
Will glanced at the countertop next to his dad. The brochure that Nicolas had given him was laid out, its edges held down by two spoons. It was open on the recommended meals section. Will examined the kitchen once more. No wonder Dad had burned things. It had been a while since he’d cooked anything like this.
The plate that was placed in front of Will was an omelette with different vegetables mixed in. Some of those vegetables were sitting in the sink, black as coal. And some of them didn’t look cooked at all. Will only had to taste the crunchiness of the carrot to know half the meal was undercooked.
Will tasted the egg. That was cooked properly at least, and anything else was fine to eat raw. “It’s good,” he complimented.
His dad’s face went a ruddy shade of red. “Thanks,” he said.
They ate their food in silence, neither commenting on the state it was in. Even though it was a large helping, Will was able to eat every last bite of it. “Thank you.” He brought the dishes to the sink and washed up.
“Listen,” his dad began haltingly, “this weekend, do you want me to be there?”
Will was going to have his first meeting with the specialist on Saturday. Will thought about his offer and thought about everything that had happened the past few weeks. “It’s okay.” Dune had asked if he wanted him to go as well, but Will had said it was fine. “I want to learn to manage this alone.” He turned to his dad quickly. “Not that I don’t appreciate your support, or that I don’t want you to be there for me. I just…” he took in a deep breath and leaned against the counter. “I don’t want my well-being to depend on someone being there for me. I want to learn to be okay with just me.”
His dad studied Will’s face before nodding. “If you change your mind, tell me.”
“I will.” Will turned back to the sink. The blackened pot made him smile again. “Thank you for breakfast.”
His dad cleared his throat. “I’ll get better at it. It’ll just take a few tries.”
Will nodded. His dad was trying. And it wasn’t perfect, but it didn’t need to be. Seeing his dad, who he’d never seen even try to take care of himself, try to take care of Will made his chest swell. Leah’s words of warning flashed in his mind briefly— don’t get your hopes up —but Will put them aside and let them rise. If things went downhill again, he could worry about it later. For now, he could let himself be happy.
“You go relax, or study, or watch TV.” His dad approached, waving Will away from the sink. His dad, who’d never clean up after himself, was telling Will to let him do the housework.
Will paused long enough to take in his dad bent over the sink, and his steps felt light as he went outside. He took his time walking around the farmer’s circle. He ambled, going slowly so he could sort out what he wanted to say.
He’d apologise first… No, had Will done something he needed to apologise for? He’d tell Gabriel he hadn’t meant what he’d said to his dad at the kitchen table. He hadn’t given up on himself, on getting better, on going after what he wanted, on Gabriel. He’d just had a bad day.
Will stopped at the bottom of Gabriel’s driveway. There was no car parked next to the front door. No trace of Gabriel anywhere. Cassie had texted Will that Gabriel wasn’t tutoring them during study anymore, and Will didn’t even have his number anymore. What was he supposed to do now?
*
The specialist Nicolas brought was a woman who insisted Will call her by her first name: Clara. She spoke low and cracked jokes during the whole meeting. They talked about a few things; calories being one of them. Clara showed him a chart of how much food athletes should take in on average in a day, and Will was nowhere close to that amount.
They did out a plan, tailored to him. And she explained that there would be someone else coming next week for Will to talk to. A therapist. The idea was scary, but he managed to nod his head when they brought it up. Will knew he would be terrible at opening up, but after everything, he at least wanted to give it a shot. He didn’t want to feel like he had before when he’d utterly given up on himself.
Vinny was quiet as they walked out. Nicolas assured Will that everything that went on in the office was strictly between them, but Vinny knew something was up.
“Do you always stay after hours to work out?” Will asked. It was long past the time that the team’s training had finished.
“I teach classes in the evening,” Vinny answered.
A light drizzle came down on them as they stepped outside, and Will pulled up his hood.
“Here.” Vinny offered the flask, staying in the shelter of the doorway.
“Thanks.” Will trotted toward his car but came to a standstill when he noticed the familiar car parked beside him.
Gabriel was leaning against the hood of his car, long legs stretched in front of him. His head was pointed down at the ground. His jacket’s hood had fallen back, leaving his hair exposed to the rain that plastered it to his forehead. The curls hid Gabriel’s eyes. Will froze, nerves stifling his breath, and sudden fear making him take a step back. And then another. Until he was at the sidewalk again, and Gabriel hadn’t noticed him retreating. Will’s heels hit the bump of the curve. His heartbeat pulsed in his throat, but he stopped walking away. He pretended it was a wall behind him, and the only option was forward.
“Hey,” Will called.