23. Chapter Twenty-Three
I’m exhausted when I walk through my front door and am more than grateful that my mother agreed to keep Bethany another night.
I kick my shoes off at the front door, then stumble through the entryway and upstairs into my room. A shower is exactly what I need to wash these nasty feelings away. What the hell was I thinking? It would’ve been better if I had just kept my mouth shut about my feelings for her and just left without her knowing I was ever there.
You’re an idiot.
Even my head can’t help but insult me right now.
I drop my clothes into a pile on the floor as I make my way into the bathroom, then I quickly turn the water on until steam starts billowing up to the ceiling. When I step under the hot spray, it soothes my aching muscles slightly, but it does nothing to rid me of the disgust I’m feeling.
It was the wrong way to go about things. I never should’ve told her anything if I didn’t plan on staying. After seeing the accident on TV, and sitting in the hospital waiting room for hours while she was in surgery, I couldn’t help but tell her how I felt.
But does it actually mean anything when you tell her you can’t be with her?
I shake my head and send water droplets all over the place. It’s infuriating how my head has all the right questions now. It doesn’t mean anything. No amount of love could make what I did okay, but how else am I supposed to protect Bethany and myself? My daughter shouldn’t have to sit at her grandparents’ house worrying about Autumn, and she never would’ve had to if I had just declined the promotion at work.
Autumn never would’ve walked into our lives the way she did if I didn’t have to go out of town and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to fall in love with her. Hell, I shouldn’t have hired her in the first damn place.
It is equally as much my fault as it is hers. If she hadn’t caught feelings for me, it’s unlikely that she would’ve tried leaving Maple Creek and she would be okay right now. Instead, because I had to be an idiot and let fear control me, she’s now lying in a hospital room with a broken leg.
I’d love nothing more than to turn my ass around and plead with Autumn to give me another chance, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Everything inside of me is screaming that if I go back to the hospital, tell her I want to be with her, that I’ll just end up hurting everyone in the end.
Since the shower doesn’t seem to be helping any, I step out and wrap a towel around my waist then hurry into my room to grab my phone. Savanna’s phone rings a few times before she finally picks up. “Easton, what’s going on?”
I sigh and scrub a hand over my face. “Uh, I just wanted to see if you could head back to the hospital before Autumn wakes up.”
“Is she okay?”
“That’s a little difficult to answer right now, but its unlikely that she will want me to be the one around her.”
My sister groans loudly over the line. “What the hell did you do already, Easton?”
“Uh, I told her how I felt?”
“Am I supposed to believe that’s it?”
“I may have also told her that I couldn’t be with her because my fear still isn’t under control.”
“Are you an idiot? Maybe Mom or Dad dropped you on your head as a baby or something.” There’s shuffling on her end of the phone, then she clears her throat. “I’m heading there now. What made you think it was a good idea to even say anything to her right now? She’s healing from a car crash and you just decide ‘Oh, let’s tell Autumn how I feel about her before crushing her soul’?”
I stay silent while Savanna mumbles under her breath about my idiocy, nodding my head along with her because I can’t even deny what she’s saying. The last thing I should’ve done was open my mouth while Autumn is healing. “I’m getting some sleep, let me know when you get there. Love you.”
“You’re lucky I love you, too,” Savanna snaps before hanging the phone up and I let my device fall onto the mattress with a soft thud.
I’ll take a quick nap, then try to get the cleaning done that I haven’t had the chance to do because I’ve been at the hospital. Maybe a little bit of sleep will do me good and help get my head on straight since it’s clearly twisted the wrong way after the stunt I pulled.
I don’t even bother to put clothes on before climbing under the blanket and pulling it up to my chin. My legs are still wet, but I can’t bring myself to care right now. Not when I have more important things to think about.
It’s entirely my fault that I keep running through my conversation with Autumn. Listening to myself as I tell her I love her, then in the same breath reject her and it only makes me feel worse. There’s a pit in my stomach that won’t go away and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.
Even if I change my mind and tell her I want to be with her, there’s no way she would accept me now. The thought of ruining what I built with her leaves a horrible taste in my mouth and bile pushes its way up my throat, but I swallow it down.
Sleep. That’s what I need right now.
I’ve got sweat running down my brow by the time I finish folding the laundry and I grab a change of clothes before glancing at the clock. There’s still plenty of time to get to Quick Fix before Elijah closes the place down. A familiar face would be nice.
The sleep I had hoped would make me feel better only left me feeling worse when I finally woke up and remembered that Autumn was no longer lying in the guest room downstairs.
I shake my head and grab my phone before heading out the front door and getting into my truck. Savanna let me know, very colorfully I might add, that Autumn woke up in tears and had to be sedated because her heart rate kept going up.
That’s all on you, my friend.
I’m a terrible person.
There’s no one inside the cafe except Elijah when I walk in, and he’s watching the small TV mounted on the wall. The bell rings above my head, alerting him of a customer, but he only rolls his eyes at me and turns back around.
“Everyone’s talking about it, you know,” he says, not bothering to glance over his shoulder at me as he talks.
I grunt as I plop into one of the chairs and frown. “Talking about what?”
This time he looks at me. “What happened to you and Autumn.”
What the hell is he talking about? I don’t even know what’s going on with me and Autumn, yet everyone else seems to think they do? This town doesn’t have anything better to do with their time.
“And what exactly is everyone saying?”
He arches a brow and sighs. “You sure you want me to tell you that?”
I shrug. “May as well. It can’t be much worse than what I’ve already been thinking.”
Elijah turns his chair around until he’s leaning over the counter, his elbows resting on the edge as he gives me a serious look. “I heard you broke her heart right after she woke up from surgery.”
Broke her heart? Ouch.
“What is everyone saying about it?”
“The ladies have had plenty to say, mainly about how they can’t believe they wanted to get into bed with you all these years. They thought you were a better guy than that.”
I groan and let my head fall onto the counter. “Is that all?”
“All that I cared to listen to until I heard your side of things. I’m really hoping that they are exaggerating everything, though.”
“If only,” I mumble.
He narrows his eyes. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Well, I told her how I felt after she woke up.”
“Okay, what’s so bad about that?”
I blow out a rough breath and keep my gaze on the counter, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes when I tell him the rest. “Uh, probably the fact that right after I admitted I loved her I also told her I couldn’t be with her.”
“I’ve never wanted to punch you as hard as I do right now,” Elijah growls out. “What the hell were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t,” I grind out, then slam my palm down against the hard surface in front of us. “She almost died and I didn’t want to miss out on telling her how I feel, but my fear took over and I also ended up rejecting her.”
“You’re an idiot, you know that?” He says, then shakes his head and pushes away from the counter. “I’ve got to start cleaning up this place.”
It should tell me something that even my best friend can’t stand here and talk to me right now. All I had to do was keep my mouth shut and let Autumn get through the healing process without having to worry about me, yet I couldn’t even do that.
Bethany has done nothing but beg me to take her to the hospital so she can see Autumn and I feel like a terrible father because I’m the last person Autumn wants to see right now. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to see if Savanna would grab her and take her there, but that would require me to talk to my sister again and I’m not sure I can handle that right now either.
The bell above the entrance dings and I look over my shoulder to find my mother standing there with a frown on her face. “Easton Gentry, what did you do?”
Great, now I’ve got to deal with my mom being upset with me. “Do we have to do this right now, Ma?”
She scoffs and walks over before sitting on the chair next to me. “Yes, we do, what were you thinking?”
I sigh and shrug my shoulders. “Just as I’ve told Elijah, I wasn’t, obviously. Or else I never would’ve made the mistake in the first place.”
“You better figure out how to apologize to her,” my mother says while waving Elijah over. “Could I get a coffee, sweetie?”
Elijah winks at her and smirks. “Anything for you, Mrs. Gentry.”
While my mother is turned the other way, I stick my tongue out at Elijah like a three year-old and fall back into my chair with a loud sigh. “I’m going to figure it out, Ma. This isn’t how I wanted everything to go.”
She sighs and rests her hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Would it really be so bad if you gave her a chance, Easton?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t know. This fear I have is too consuming and I don’t want to invite her into my life only to push her away. I want her to be able to have all of me, not only parts of me.”
And that’s the truth. If I’m going to be with Autumn, I don’t want to have any fear clouding my judgment and causing me to push her out of my life. I want it to work, but I don’t know if it can right now.