Chapter 16
KEEPING IT IN
The minute Blaze saw Arden’s car pull into the restaurant parking lot, his heart thumped harder than it had on his first shift in the ER during his residency.
She parked and got out, and he did the same, as he’d been waiting in his SUV for her.
The faint muscles in her thighs flexed as she walked, her stride purposeful and almost... angry, though he could see she was dialing it back. Something happened at the drop-off and he’d get to the bottom of it, even if he had to yank it out of her mouth.
Her tan shorts fit her body well, not tight, but not loose, more like perfect. Her orange T-shirt was bright and sunny, not exactly matching her mood though he could see she was trying hard for him to think otherwise.
“Hi,” he said. “Everything alright?”
Her hesitation told him he might need to get the pliers out for this conversation. “It’s good.”
No, it wasn’t good. Anything but good.
“Two,” he said to the hostess after he’d held the door for her. They took a seat in a booth, got their water glasses filled and menus placed down, then were left alone. “Get it off your chest. You’ll feel better.”
“And ruin my first date in years? No, thank you. I’m used to keeping it in. This should be about us.”
“It can’t be about us if you’re thinking about something else. I’m a doctor, remember. I know what’s best.”
A laugh bubbled up in her chest and escaped before she could stop it. Her eyes still held the frustration in, but the tension loosened just a microscopic point. Better than nothing.
“And I’m a social worker, so I should know better too.”
She took a deep breath in, let it out, did it again, closed her eyes, seemed like she was mentally counting, then opened them up. Her brown eyes were clear now, the frustration from earlier gone.
“Damn, how did you do that?”
“Years of practice at trying to keep the peace for Gracie.”
He hated that for her. Hated that she needed to do it in the first place.
Their server came over before he could speak, they placed their orders quickly, and when he knew it was safe to talk again, said, “Do you want to tell me what happened when you dropped her off? Did you ask if he left the note?”
“I didn’t come out and ask that. I wouldn’t and start something.
But during our conversation, which I’ll get to in a minute, I dropped the word ‘haunt’ and put an emphasis on it.
He had no reaction, which means nothing.
This is a guy who lied to me for years. I’m not sure why I thought he’d give me some tell. ”
“In your gut, do you think it was him?”
Her cheeks puffed out as she released air from her lungs. “I don’t know and that bothers me the most. I want to say no, but I can’t. I want to think he wouldn’t, but I didn’t think my life would be where it is now either.”
“Do you still love him? If he hadn’t had an addiction issue and had been clean and stayed that way? Where do you think you’d be?”
“Right where I am now. Here is the thing, Blaze. I knew him in high school and I kind of thought he was a dick. But I’d gone to college, taken all these courses that filled my brain with the fact that you don’t know someone that way from the outside.
You need to dive in deep to get to the root.
See what makes them tick. Maybe he had something going on during that time that I was judging him on. ”
Oh boy. He hoped she wasn’t doing that with him.
He didn’t think he had secrets. Nor deep-rooted issues that needed his head examined.
He had what he thought was the same amount of trauma that most people have in their life with a stressful job that he felt he managed well.
“You thought he was a project?” he asked, lifting his eyebrow. That was the last thing he wanted.
“No. I thought I’d be fair and give him a chance.
I knew and remembered what peer pressure was like back then.
The more we went out, the more we talked and I realized he’d matured.
That he wasn’t what I originally thought.
He did like to drink and party, I said that before, but it’s not like he drank daily.
Just once or twice on the weekends and never got drunk. ”
“Until he did?”
She nodded her head. “You know all of this, so we’ll move on.
To answer your question, we’d still be divorced.
There were enough things in our lives that weren’t working out.
I can’t say if things would be different because they aren’t and they didn’t work that way and I know trying to waste time on what could have been isn’t healthy for my past, present and not my future.
And the fact I’ve got this fear in me, whether it’s justified or not, meant we could never make it work again. ”
“I’m glad to hear that and probably shouldn’t have asked. Guess I just wanted to get it out in the open.”
Her smaller hand reached across the space between them, brushing his before settling on top.
He caught her fingers instantly, turning his palm upward until hers fit against it, skin to skin. The warmth of her touch spread through him like a slow current. He threaded their fingers together, holding on just enough to let her feel he wasn’t letting go.
The air shifted, thicker now, almost charged. Her thumb brushed his, tentative at first, and that single touch lit up every nerve he’d tried to keep calm. His pulse thudded hard enough he was sure she could feel it through his hand with the extra thump his heart just let go.
Yeah… this was exactly what he’d been hoping for.
Not just the contact, but the meaning behind it. Her choice was to push forward and let him in.
She didn’t have to say a word. The soft tremor of her fingers said it all as she examined his face for his reaction.
He squeezed gently, his eyes on hers. For a second, the rest of the world fell away. No noise, no distance, just the quiet, electric hum between them.
And he knew that if either of them moved even an inch closer, there’d be no going back.
But to do it right, to do it the best for them both, the air had to be cleared. The hard conversations had to be said.
“It’s out there,” she said. “Just like this is.”
She squeezed his fingers, then let go sooner than he would have liked, but probably for the best. “Now will you share what happened earlier? Even if it’s just to get it off your chest so you feel better?”
“I’ll tell you because I want to. I should. And trying to keep it inside wasn’t right of me when I brought you up.”
He lifted an eyebrow, “Now I really need to know.”
She put her palms up, fingers spread wide. “Not your name. Let me explain.”
“Go on.”
“Billy got there early, which isn’t like him. He knows I get a few minutes with Julie first so that I can go over anything that might need to be shared. I don’t have a problem telling Billy things, but to keep it on the up and up, we have a third party around most times.”
“Okay. Did you talk to him alone?”
“I did. Outside the cars. He was parked one over from me, a space between us. Gracie stayed in the car with the AC running. Billy apologized for the call the other day. That he hadn’t meant to yell at me, but he’s frustrated. Seems he’s in love.”
“Good for him,” he said drily. One less thing he’d have to worry about. That the guy wanted his ex back. Not that he thought that, but he didn’t know either.
“Tina is a bit skittish. She wants to believe him. Believe that he’s got a decent relationship with his daughter now and not just go by his word.”
“Sounds smart to me.”
She shrugged. “It’s not for me to say. But she wants to move in with him.”
“Ahh, so then she’d be in the house for visits if they are there?”
“Yes. I told him Gracie isn’t ready for this.
He had to keep her in mind too. And I want to meet anyone before they meet Gracie.
That is part of the custody agreement. There is a list of people he can have around Gracie and it’s only family.
No friends, nothing. No new girlfriends.
Because of his past and who may or may not pull him back into that cycle. ”
“Which happens a lot. You have to distance yourself from the people who you developed poor habits from.”
Arden laughed, not a funny sound. “You make it sound so neat and tidy. Almost easy, but it’s not. And that is how and why he struggled. Do I think he still sees those people who encouraged his drinking? I don’t know, but on paper to cover Gracie, they aren’t allowed to be around her.”
“Smart.”
“If I’ve learned anything in my career it’s putting yourself in a situation that always protects the vulnerable.”
“You don’t think you’re vulnerable, do you?”
“Oh, I do now. I didn’t then. But this was about her. Is about her.”
He wouldn’t correct Arden. He’d be the same way if it were his child. “Was he rude to you today?”
“No. Or tried not to be. I could see he was holding it back. Maybe he really loves this woman, I don’t know, and it could be his motivations are purely selfish for him and not Gracie.
I can’t get a read on it. But he knows my stance and I’ve got the court behind me.
He asked why I had to be a bitch about meeting Tina.
Me meeting her. I moved closer so that Gracie couldn’t hear and told him the hell he put me and Gracie through warranted me to be that way. ”
“Good for you.” He wasn’t so sure how he got those words out calmly when everything in his body was itching for a fight and to hunt this guy down.
It’d never been like him to feel that way before.
Clay was the fighter. Blaze was the healer. Yet, he could feel what his brother did at times now too.
“He made excuses like he always did. Like he always does. That it was the drugs and alcohol talking. It’s just a broken record of a horrible sound in my ears, so he stopped. Julie showed up and asked if everything was fine.”
“Did you downplay it again?”
“I can see it on your face that you don’t like that.”
“I don’t, but it’s your life, not mine.”
“It is. But Gracie was watching and we both were talking as calmly as we could. Julie asked if there had been anything to update in the past two weeks. I told her about some things Gracie is doing and that I’m sure she’d share more. That she’d like to. I mentioned the sparklers.”
“That’s where I come into play?”
“Yes. I didn’t say your name. I only said my neighbor came over and we watched a video of fireworks and had some sparklers. Billy gave me shit about them not being safe.”
“You said I was a doctor?”
“I did. I’m not stupid. I said I was right there with her and took it out of her hand before it got to the bottom. Did you notice the pail of water on the table?”
He smiled. “I did. I had visions of you dropping them in there or throwing the water on them if you had to.”
“That’s right. I’m as prepared as I can be, but I can’t and won’t shelter my daughter from every little thing that might be harmful in life. I wish I could and wish I did a better job than I had. I just know moving forward there are better ways.”
“There are. No one asked who I was?”
“No. I put it out there for them to do it, but they didn’t. Billy won’t because he thinks I’m not interested in men since I haven’t dated in years. He has his opinions that I’m cold and that’s fine.”
“You’re not cold. Not to me,” he said, his voice dropping, his eyes lifting, and his smile wide.
She reached for his hand again. “And you’re the only one that I care thinks that.”
And when they left the restaurant two hours later, making sure they took full advantage of the time they had alone, and helping her get through before she could pick her daughter up, he walked her to her car, reaching for her hand again.
She gave it over easily to him. The heat still there only burning stronger.
Burning brighter.
They’d ended the intense conversation before the food came and spent more time laughing, joking, talking about the fun things in life. Their hobbies, TV, music.
The things you did on a date.
What you said to find out how much kindling was needed to build the fire more.
Didn’t seem as if they needed much in his eyes because he was scorching when they got to the parking lot. Enough that it had him leaning down to give her a light kiss on the lips.
She didn’t pull away. No, she lifted her arms and put them around his neck, her lips pressing harder. Deeper. Her mouth opening and his tongue slipping in as if his big toe was testing the lake at the beginning of the spring.
She gave it back the same, then clicked the dial once to the right. Not enough for them to be full-on making out in the parking lot, but just enough to know the spark didn’t need a match, it could light on its own.
And when she pulled back, the smile that filled her face reached her eyes. Any remnants of the woman who got out of her car hours before were gone and the one he wanted to spend more time with was in his arms.
Now they just needed to find a way for this to happen again.