Chapter 10 #2
Alysse shrugged and fiddled with her sunglasses. She’d been pretending that she and Jay could have a normal life together but this afternoon was just showing her how wrong she’d been. They were different. Not just in little ways but in huge ones. And... “I guess I’m just facing reality.”
“Ha. You are the most grounded person I know,” Staci said, tapping her on the forehead. “You overthink everything. Is that what you’re doing now?”
“Not really. I’m still clinging to a few girlish fantasies that I should have gotten rid of a long time ago,” Alysse said.
She didn’t want to admit that she’d been hoping that Jay would completely change and become the kind of man that would suit her life the way it was.
That wasn’t Jay. He did his own thing. He had his own strengths and those were what had drawn her to him.
But those strengths were also his weaknesses.
“I’m guessing this has something to do with your Marine,” Staci said in her wry tone.
“It has everything to do with him,” Alysse said, wishing that for once her romantic life would be easy.
But it never had been. Even in high school she had struggled with dating.
Her mom had said that once Alysse was an adult she’d understand what she really wanted from a man but she still hadn’t. “I can’t figure him out.”
Staci threw her head back and laughed. “You are kidding me, right? Men are from another planet. You will never be able to understand why he does whatever it is that is upsetting you.”
Alysse smiled, then felt just a tad melancholy thinking about Staci being up in Los Angeles while she was in San Diego. It was only about a three-hour drive but it would seem a world apart.
“I guess you are right. You know, I’m going to miss you when you’re in L.A.”
Staci hugged her. “I know. But don’t sweat it. I’ll be coming back to visit. And if I get kicked off the show early, I’ll be back for good.”
“I thought you wanted to try something new?” Alysse asked her.
She was afraid that she was projecting her vulnerability at the thought of losing her best friend and Jay within a few weeks of each other.
And it was beginning to seem more and more that no matter what career path Jay took he’d more than likely not be with her. Different people, different paths.
“I do, but that’s not fair to you. You have to find a new baker and new staff for the front of the shop,” Staci said.
A lot was changing all at once and Alysse had been sort of ignoring it to deal with Jay. But she knew that she couldn’t let the rest of life fall away because of him.
“I can handle it. It’s not that big a deal. And I don’t want you giving up just because you’re worried about me. I’m way stronger than I look,” she said.
That was when she realized that she was putting Jay through a test to see if he’d sacrifice what he wanted for her. Why was she doing that? It was as if she was afraid to trust him.
Hell, she was afraid of that very thing and had been since she’d stepped onto the beach at the Hotel Del Coronado and found Jay waiting, instead of some stranger. And she knew that no matter what she did or said, she was never going to be able to treat him like some guy she’d just met.
They would always have their past and she wasn’t able to let that go. She was trying to make him be a part of a life that she wasn’t too sure he’d ever be able to accept. Why?
Because it would be safer for her. If Jay wanted the same things she did, then he wouldn’t leave her and she’d be able to let her guard down around him. Instead, since she was treating him with kid gloves, he was edgy and so was she.
“You should go for it, Staci. Don’t feel like you have to come back to Sweet Dreams. If you want to though, your station in the kitchen will be waiting for you,” she assured herself and her friend.
“Thanks,” Staci said. “It’ll help me out, knowing you’ve got my back. I think that we can invite friends to attend some of the cook-offs. Would you come?”
“Hell to the yeah,” Alysse said, being silly because now that she’d figured out what she was doing to herself and Jay, everything seemed a little brighter.
“I’ll be right back,” Alysse said.
She left the table area and headed over to Jay. It was one thing to realize they’d been playing house but another thing entirely when she admitted that she’d set it up to test him. Did she honestly think that if they lived together and had these pretend lives together, he wouldn’t leave?
She knew that she had been playing games with herself and trying to entice him to stay by showing him her family and friends. Today she had got it—if she wasn’t enough for him then all the cool people she surrounded herself with wouldn’t make her satisfy him either.
Jay was searching for something and she couldn’t give it to him. If he could fulfill that part of himself that had been missing with her, then maybe they had a chance. And if he couldn’t, it was time for her to cut her losses and move on.
Alysse couldn’t find Jay at first and then noticed her mom was missing, too.
She scanned the beach and found her lover standing in the shade with a brick retaining wall at his back.
She smiled at that, but the smile soon left her face as she spotted her mom standing next to Jay and talking very animatedly to him.
Jay was nodding and had his arms crossed over his chest. He was being respectful or at least it seemed that way to her from where she was. And she felt a moment’s panic. What if this scared him into leaving her again?
She took a deep breath and then let it out.
There it was, she thought. The fear that dominated every second of her thoughts and lurked in the back of her mind. She hated that she was filled with fear, but even acknowledging it wouldn’t make it go away.
The only thing that would was some reassurance from Jay and she knew that was asking the impossible. She walked briskly over to her mom and Jay and they stopped talking when they saw her.
“Am I interrupting?” Alysse asked.
“No,” her mom said. “I was just telling Jay that I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time.”
Really? Then she looked at Jay and he was grinning. He’d enjoyed chatting with her mom about her. She didn’t know how he’d done it but they both seemed to be getting along. “Well, I am happy right now.”
“Good. I warned Jay that if he made you cry again I’d come after him and I might not have his skills with a weapon but I do know how to protect my own,” her mom said.
“Candi, I can respect that,” Jay said.
“Good,” her mom said. She patted Jay on the shoulder. “Thanks for listening to me.”
“No problem,” Jay said. Her mom gave Alysse a quick hug and then returned to the picnic area.
“What was that about?”
“She had some things to say to me and needed to clear the air,” Jay replied.
“Was it okay? Did she upset you?” Alysse asked.
“I’m a man, Aly, I don’t get upset,” he said.
“Then what do you get?” she asked.
“Pissed off. But your mom really loves you and only wants what is best for you, and I can’t get mad about that,” he said.
“Good. I wanted...I’m not sure how to say this,” she said. Now that she was standing in front of him the words she wanted to say wouldn’t form in her mouth.
“Just spit it out,” he said.
“Are you planning to leave me again?” she asked in one long breath.
He looked taken aback and stood up straighter. “I don’t know.”
Those quietly spoken words weren’t the ones she was looking for and they shot dread straight through her.
“It’s time for your brother’s match,” Jay said. “We can talk about this later.”
She let him lead her to the volleyball game and, though she pretended to watch, her mind was on his words and the fear in her heart just grew larger.
JAY PULLED THE CAR to a stop in front of Alysse’s place. His bike was stored in her garage and he knew he’d be leaving tonight. He had enjoyed hanging out with her, but they both knew she needed something more from him. Something he wasn’t going to be able to deliver.
He’d felt the disappointment in her when she’d asked if he was going to leave. He knew he should have just said no, but he didn’t want to lie to her.
“You got too much sun today,” he said. “Your cheeks are red.”
“I always do,” she said, the same cold shoulder she’d been giving him all afternoon. “No matter how much sunscreen I use.”
“I just get more tanned,” he said.
“Have we really come down to banal conversation? You don’t have anything more to say to me than that?” she asked, and he heard the anger in her tone. She wanted a fight and he got that, but he wasn’t sure he could accommodate her.
“Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood,” he said. “I’m not good at this kind of thing. You should know that by now.”
“Yeah, you should try harder. You don’t encourage anyone to talk to you.”
“It’s not my scene,” he said. “I never know the right thing to say and I always end up feeling like I’m an idiot.”
“You are the furthest thing from an idiot that I’ve ever met.”
“That’s not what you were thinking earlier,” he said.
“True,” she said with a laugh. “Do you want to come inside?”
“Yes, but I thought we agreed we’d played this suburban fantasy long enough,” he said. He didn’t want to have to walk away again but they both knew that...what?
“Let’s talk inside. I really don’t want to sit out here in the car and have a long conversation.”
“Okay,” he said. “You go open the windows and I’ll get all the stuff from the trunk.”
She looked as if she wanted to argue with him, but then she just nodded and got out of the car.
He watched her walk up the path to her cute little house and thought how idyllic this place was.
The house was comfortable and cozy with a neatly manicured lawn.
The neighborhood was friendly but not intrusive.
The lady was sexy, sweet and just not right for a man like him.
He cleaned out the car and then walked up to the house.
She’d opened all the windows and a nice breeze welcomed him as he stepped inside.
He heard the sound of Jimmy Buffett coming from the patio and dumped the cooler in the kitchen before pausing on the threshold between the house and the patio to watch her watering the hibiscus which grew around the edge of her water feature.
A part of him craved this life more than he knew was safe. She’d become an obsession for him and he wanted her. He wanted to say to hell with all the people in her life and just scoop her up and take her away to somewhere special, just the two of them.
But that wasn’t ever going to happen.
“Jay?”
“Yes?”
“Do you want a beer?” she asked.
“Nah, I’m good. This place is nice,” he said stepping onto the patio and going to sit on one of her Adirondack chairs. She took a seat next to him and then stood up and paced around the garden.
“This isn’t really working out, is it?”
“No, it’s not. You were right when you said we were playing house, and the last week has been fun though it’s not any different from our marriage.”
“I know. Do you realize if you spend the night with me tonight it will be the longest we’ve ever been together?” she asked.
He hadn’t realized that. But it explained why he’d been so restless and jittery all day today. “You know you’re the only woman I’ve ever been with for this long.”
“That’s sad, Jay,” she said. “You don’t even want to stay longer than a week with me.”
“I do,” he said. “I’m just not sure how to do this. I want this to be real but for some reason it just isn’t.”
“I think part of the problem is me,” she said. “Earlier when I was talking to Staci I had an epiphany about myself.”
“What was it?” he asked when she was quiet.
“I am trying to make you into someone you aren’t. I don’t think it was a conscious thing, but I was definitely trying to force you to be a part of my group of friends even though I know you prefer being a loner. Even with me you are quiet sometimes and I get that you like that.”
He stretched his legs out in front of him. “Why are you doing that?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s to punish you but I do think it’s some kind of test. Something that I want to prove either to you or me, I’m not sure.”
“I guess you still haven’t forgiven me,” he said.
“I guess not. I thought it would be easy just to ignore the past and somehow use you and get back a little of my own. But that hasn’t happened at all. Instead of feeling whole again I just find myself falling deeper and deeper into something that I don’t think is ever going to work.”
“Me?” he asked.
He knew exactly what she was getting at because he felt the same way.
He wanted to be what she needed, but he wasn’t about to actually let down his walls and take a chance on getting hurt.
He knew she’d been right when she said that he’d purposely left before her in Vegas.
That a part of him was always sure if he wasn’t the first one out the door he’d be left behind.
And never had that seemed so hard to take than it did right now, looking at Alysse and knowing he wanted her with him for the rest of his life.