Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
THE JIMMY BUFFETT CD had switched over to the smooth bluesy tracks of Adele singing about loss in a way that Alysse could relate to at the moment.
The closer she got to Jay the more she felt him slipping away from her. And she was definitely not helping things by trying to force an answer out of him on issues that he’d rather not confront.
At the small pond, she glanced down at the several koi swimming in endless circles.
She liked her backyard and felt so comfortable here.
She wondered if she would after Jay left.
She should never have brought him to the sanctuary that was her home, because now she’d have a hard time not picturing him here.
“Where do we go from here?” she asked at last. She wasn’t facing him because she couldn’t bear the brutal honesty she saw in his eyes. It would be so much easier if he’d just lie to her a little bit.
“I don’t know. I think we have to stop pretending...” he said. “I’ve been walking on eggshells around you trying not to do anything that will spook you and apart from that one nightmare I had—I’d say I’ve succeeded.”
She frowned as she remembered that nightmare and how scared she’d been for him.
“You have been good about not scaring me,” she agreed. “I’ve been doing the same thing, sort of, trying to make sure you wouldn’t leave me like you did in Vegas, but to be completely honest, I don’t know what made you leave and hedging my bets isn’t helping either one of us.”
Hiding and hoping, she admitted it freely now, that she could maybe be whatever she hadn’t been before. That was scary because she’d really thought she was over him for good.
“I guess we both need to be just who we really are,” he said quietly as he walked up next to her. He smelled of suntan lotion and the sandy beach.
“Yes.” Somehow that seemed so much easier to say than do. She wanted to be free of her fear that he was leaving her as soon as she let her guard down; however, that wasn’t going to happen. “But I don’t know who I am.”
Admitting it out loud seemed like the only thing to do. She pivoted to face him and waited to see his response.
Now she knew why that whirlwind courtship had worked out so well for her.
She hadn’t had time to think or worry about the possibilities.
But this time that was all she’d done. And all that thinking had led her to a place that made her feel as though she and Jay weren’t going to be able to cobble together the next few days, much less a lifetime.
Yet she knew she’d grown to know him so much better now than she had before. He was complex. A loner who definitely needed her in his life. A man who would protect everyone around him but would accept no protection himself. A lover who was generous with his body but guarded his heart.
“You do know who you are,” he said. “I’m muddling it up by staying here. Let’s have breakfast in the morning, I want to spend the day just the two of us—maybe I’ll take you on the balloon ride Paulo recommended. No thinking about our jobs or your family. What do you say?” he asked.
She didn’t want to. She’d be alone with Jay and that was one thing she still wanted to avoid. “I’m scared.”
“Why?” he asked. He glanced down into the koi pond and then put his hands in his back pockets and looked at her. His guarded dark chocolate gaze made her wary. Why couldn’t he just trust her?
Why couldn’t she just trust him? she asked herself, knowing that if she knew the answers to those questions things would be infinitely better between them.
“It feels as if I’m in one pond and you are in your pond and we just get together for sex. Is that what we’re all about?” he asked.
“It’s safer,” she said. “There is absolutely no danger of me falling for you as long as you stay in your pond and do your own thing.”
“I know,” he said, taking his hand out of his back pocket and lacing their fingers together. “But neither of us wants a repeat of the last time we got together...do we?”
She looked up at him. The moment of truth. Was she going to risk her heart on this man again? She’d already seen the proof of what happened when she did.
But if she didn’t take this second chance with Jay, would she end up regretting it the rest of her life? Could she live with that?
“No, we don’t,” she said at last. “I’m willing to try again. Third time’s a charm, right?”
“So they say,” he said with a wry grin. “I know I wasn’t the best when we met up with your friends so maybe we can do it again?”
“Sure. Why don’t we invite them over next weekend? We can be the hosts so you’ll feel more at ease and we’ll have had another entire week to get to know each other. Oh my goodness, a week is hardly any time,” she said.
“I’m sorry, I can’t offer you more until I know if I’m going to reenlist,” he said.
“It’s fine. We do better on the fast track,” she said.
It was as if when she didn’t have time to think, she trusted her instincts.
She knew that she had something worth fighting for with Jay, but she was afraid to fight for him.
Afraid to let him into her heart lest he hurt her again.
And no matter how hard she tried to keep from falling for him, she knew she was.
“I don’t know how we do better, but I do know that without you by my side...I’m missing something. And I’ve never had anyone mean that much to me before. I’m a little unsure of how to proceed. I don’t want to take a chance on screwing this up,” Jay said.
That was probably one of the most honest things he’d ever said to her.
She wrapped her broken, fragile heart in those words he’d given her.
She was touched by them more than she wanted to be.
She understood this man far more now than she had in Vegas.
She got that he had demons that she’d never expected and that he needed more from her than she’d been able to offer him.
“Lucien invited me to join him for drinks tomorrow night. Do you want to come along and meet him?” Jay asked.
It was the first time he’d invited her to be a part of his life. He’d gone to her things and talked to her about Sweet Dreams, but he’d never reciprocated much.
“Yes. That sounds nice,” she said. “I’ve been dying to meet some of your friends. I thought maybe you were embarrassed by me.”
“I never could be embarrassed by you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he said.
“Really?” she asked. “Don’t answer that. I meant to say thank you.”
“You’re welcome. So how about I pick you up in the morning very early for that balloon ride and then after lunch I will drop you back off...?”
“Okay,” she said.
“We can have drinks with Lucien and then I’ll take you out. What do you want to do?”
“Anything?”
“Sure,” he said. “What’s your dream date?”
“Dinner and dancing,” she said without hesitating.
“Then that’s what we’ll do,” he said. “I’ll be back at six to pick you up.”
He walked through her house to the front door and she followed him. She had a reluctant hope that this time maybe things were going to be better for them.
ALYSSE SLEPT RESTLESSLY without Jay by her side, but a part of her knew that she was better off this way. He wasn’t ready to make a decision about his career or her. And she needed to be able to protect her heart.
She was awake at five so they could drive up to Temecula. It was very chilly, something she didn’t realize until she was on the back of Jay’s bike holding on to him. She started shivering and he pulled off on the highway.
“Why are we stopping?” she asked.
“Because you’re freezing,” he said. He took off his leather jacket and wrapped it around her. He wore a black sweatshirt bearing the Marine Corps emblem under his jacket.
“Will you be warm enough?” she asked.
“I’ll be fine as long as you aren’t shivering,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said. “I like your sweatshirt. I notice you don’t often wear something with the Corps logo on it. Why is that?”
“People want to buy me coffee and stuff and it makes me uncomfortable,” he said.
“They’re just saying thanks for doing your job.”
“I know that,” he said. “But it’s a job. The only one I’m trained to do and I’m nothing special.”
“Yes, you are,” she said.
“You think so?” he asked her.
She could tell he wasn’t sure if she was joking around with him and that bothered her.
“Yes, of course I’m sure,” she said.
They got back on the bike and finished the drive.
There were three other couples waiting to go up in the hot air balloon.
Jay had signed them up for a two-hour flight across the valley, and it had sounded fun to her until they climbed in the basket and she saw how fragile the basket was as they started to rise.
“I’m not sure about this,” she said.
“What aren’t you sure about?” he asked.
“That we won’t fall,” she said.
“It’d be bad for business if I let you fall,” the pilot said with a laugh.
Jay moved to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her body. He leaned down close to her ear and said, “I’ve got you and you know I won’t let anything happen to you.”
She relaxed against him. She might not be sure whether he would stay with her forever, but she knew that he’d protect her with his life.
It was still and quiet as they rose up from the valley floor.
The sun was just starting to peek over the mountains below.
They floated higher and she was almost afraid to speak; the only sound was the occasional hiss of the fire used to inflate the balloon.
“Do you know which vineyard is Paulo’s?” Jay asked.
“I don’t,” she admitted. “I haven’t been to visit him and Frida because I’m always so busy at the bakery.”
“You work too hard,” he said.
“I’m a small-business owner,” she said. “If I don’t do it, no one else will.”
“I don’t like that you have to work so hard,” he said. “You don’t have enough time for yourself.”
“That’s just the way my life is. You work hard, too,” she pointed out.
“But that’s different.”
“Why? Because you’re a man?” she asked.