49. Leo
I had to call Dr. Bennett to inform him that I would not be back on Monday. Although he told me to take as much time as needed, I told him I would return on Thursday. Funeral preparations have taken over the past two days. Chloe submerged herself in all the details with our father. I haven’t seen her cry again.
While we worried about what needed to be done, Myles took it upon himself to care for Carter. Chloe didn’t want to send him to his father and have to worry if he was okay there. Myles kept the little one occupied.
It’s Tuesday now, the day of the service. I had found one of my old black suits in my closet that my mother left untouched.
My father helped me do the tie around my neck because my hands were too shaky. It was like he was teaching me all over again. All of us in black, even Carter, we headed to the funeral home.
When we arrive and situate ourselves in the room where people will come to pay their respects, I begin to feel jittery. Stealing glances at the open casket that sits to our right.
Chloe was worried about Carter seeing his grandmother like this, but she explained it as if our mother was sleeping. People wander in: women who worked at the library my mother volunteered at, people from the gardening club she joined.
All the people that were important in her life.
I watch the visitors arrive through the doors, hugging one another, when I feel something grab at my hand.
“Uncle Leo?” I peek down at Carter, who is staring up at me. He takes a folded-up paper out of his pocket. “I brought my drawing. Can I put it with Grandma so she can take it with her?”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I sense my sister”s eyes on me. When I glance at her, she nods, giving me approval to let him do this. “Of course, bud.”
We walk to the casket, his hand in mine, but then he drops it and puts both arms up. I pick him up and hold him at my side. The sight of my mother lying before me scatters the shattered pieces of my heart. For his sake, I don’t cry.
“Grandma looks pretty.”
“She sure does,” I agree.
Leaning forward, Carter places the drawing next to my mother’s shoulder. “I love you, Grandma.”
Fuck. How am I supposed to hold the tears back now?A few drops cascade down my face, and when Carter turns in my arms, he lifts his little hands to my face.
“Don’t cry, Uncle Leo.” The little boy comforts me as he wipes away a tear. “She’s going to have fun in Heaven.”
“I know she will, bud.” I nod and kiss his forehead.
Setting him down, he runs back to Chloe and hugs her as people approach us. When I returned, the spot between my father and Chloe was still waiting for me. On the other side of my sister, Myles stands close. When my eyes drop, I see him holding Carter’s hand.
For a moment, contentment fills my body, knowing that Myles will take care of both of them if the time ever comes to it—if they ever become a couple.
Most men would hate for their best friend and sister to be together, but they don’t have Myles as a friend. If he can make my sister happy in the darkest of times, then he deserves her.
People make their way down the line, hugging each of us as they mutter the apologies meant for a funeral. In their voices, I can tell they mean it. That is how loved my mother was. These guests who have come here to pay their respects genuinely loved my mother for who she was and all the kind things she has done.
Dad doesn’t shed another tear. Not in front of everyone. He allows them to fall in the privacy of our house, in his bedroom.
The door always shut, but ever since Mom passed, I can hear the muffled crying on the other side. She said he was stubborn and wouldn’t show his emotions after she died.
I wish she could see how wrong she was.
He lost his best friend. His soulmate. The love of his life.
I couldn’t imagine being that enamored by someone to lose them at the hands of an unfair death.
The word love sticks in my mind like glue. I said those words to Scarlet, the memory returning to me at the worst moment.
When I threatened her, I said that I loved Veronica. I’m not sure when it happened. I just know it had. I didn’t want to admit it to myself because of the circumstances.
How can one fall in love with a monster?
How can a person of light fall for the darkness?
Love is tricky in those ways. Sometimes, it hits you hard, while other times, it sneaks up on you and slams right into your heart.
That’s how it was with Veronica. What am I supposed to do about her? It’s not like we can be anything more than we already are. A relationship is out of the question.
Unless you run.
I tilt my head to the side, cracking the tension out of it and pushing the voice from my head.
It’s not an option. Right?
No, it’s not. I’m a vulnerable mess. The decision has been made, and I’m not turning around and second-guessing myself.
I was on autopilot with every guest, greeting and thanking them as they came to me while the thoughts were churning in my mind. After the last few guests, I push the idea of running out of my head as we take our seats. The pastor of the church our parents attend gives a nice speech.
Typically, it is said at every wake, but with it being my mother’s, he makes it more personalized. It is nice. Simple and sweet, it made my eyes glossy. None of the tears fall, and the moment the speech ends, my father stands up and walks to the podium.
There are no notes in his hands. He clasps them together, resting them on the surface of the wooden stand. His eyes glance at the audience, and familiar people stare back at him. His head turns slightly, looking at where my mother lies before we get his attention again.
“Believe it or not, when Jen and I first met, she was the stubborn one.” He laughs to himself while most of the guest cast a sad smile on their faces. “She was the most beautiful girl in our school. When I tried talking to her, she blew me off. Eventually, she came around, but when I started asking her to be my girlfriend, she said no. I can’t tell you how many times I asked her before she finally said yes.”
He blurs in my vision. A hand bumps my arm, and I find Chloe handing me a tissue I gladly take.
“After she said yes, we fell so in love that her stubbornness faded. She says that it left her body and took a claim of mine. I think it came naturally with old age.” Quiet laughter fills the room. “Jennifer was a light. Every room she entered radiated with the light within her. Every person who had the privilege of meeting her always left with a smile. Being in a bad mood was hard whenever she was near.”
His throat bobs as he swallows. “That’s what love does to you. It changes you as a person for the better. Jennifer told me that when we met, she was in a dark time in her life, and meeting me...” He collects himself, only for his voice to crack. “She said that falling in love with me pulled her out of that darkness. That the light that grew within her was because of the love she felt.”
My chest rattles as I cry. Chloe”s hand intertwines with mine, giving a gentle squeeze.
“Without love, she didn’t know what the point of life was, and I am so grateful that I could remind her that the purpose of life was to love and be loved.” His eyes find my sister and I. “I’m thankful for all the years I got to love her. I am thankful to her for giving me two amazing children. And I am thankful for all the years they got to love her.” My breath shutters. “Jennifer’s love was like no other. I am beyond happy that everyone in this room got to experience it. Today, we say goodbye to Jen, but may her light live on forever.”
He bows his head, his speech ending. When he sits beside me, I take his hand in mine. Chloe reaches over me to hand him a tissue. “That was beautiful, Dad.”
A sad smile appears on his lips as a thank you.
After the service, we all pile into our cars and drive to the cemetery—a parade of death.
We each threw different flowers on the casket as they lowered her into the Earth. Five of her favorite flowers going to rest with her. The crowd disperses, and my family remains the only one.
Dad claps a hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t we head back to the house for coffee?”
I nod, my eyes still on the glossy, wooden casket settled at the bottom of the grave. “I just need a minute.”
I feel a reassuring squeeze on my shoulder, and he walks off. Carter follows behind, talking his ear off while Chloe attempts to silence him. Their voices become quieter the further away they get.
Staring down at the hole in the ground, I want to say something, but I’m not sure what exactly I want to say. My mouth feels dry every time I open it for words to come out.
Dad’s speech hit me hard. When he talked about light and dark, I couldn’t help but think of Veronica. Why does she have to invade my mind as much as she does? Oh right. Because I’m in love with her.
Dad fought for Mom”s love. He didn’t give up when she turned him down; in the end, he won.
It”s not that I’d have to fight for Veronica’s love. I think she loves me in her own way. She might not admit it, but the woman shows her love in how she cares for me, and here I am, turning her down.
I revisit the idea even though I told myself not to.
The purpose of life was to love and be loved.
The words my father spoke sink into my broken heart, and because of that, my mind shifts.
What’s the point of life if you don’t fight for the person you love? Rolling my jaw, I look up at the sky because I want to say this to my mother. Her soul is somewhere in the air, not in the coffin six feet under.
I shut my eyes, inhaling a long breath. “I hope you can forgive me for this, Mom.”