Chapter 17 Kailin
KAILIN
My abilities don't come without a cost
Each time I use them, I feel pieces of myself scatter like seeds on the wind, but I'm no longer afraid of them. I just need to learn to manage them so they won't consume me.
For so long, I've been fighting against the idea of being special, of being chosen, but the small village girl I thought I was is gone, if she ever really existed.
Maybe she was always just a story I told myself, a smaller, safer version of who I could be.
The woman I'm becoming, the one who speaks to dragons and dreams the future through the minds of night creatures, doesn't fit in that small, safe story anymore.
—From the journal of Kailin Strom
We were just finishing the last of our dinner when Jarren Voss, our hall monitor, walked into the mess hall and headed right for our table. In his hand, he held several cream-colored envelopes bearing the Dragon Force seal.
"Cadets Strom, Tekum, Teress, and Farker." He handed each of us an envelope. His expression gave nothing away, but I noticed his eyes lingered on me a moment longer than the others. "New room assignments."
I stifled the need to release a relieved breath.
Official envelopes rarely contained good news, and I had feared that they had discovered something about our investigation, perhaps a disciplinary action for asking questions about the dragons.
I broke the seal and unfolded the single sheet inside.
Cadet quarters reassignment. Effective immediately. Due to security issues, Cadet Tekum is to trade places with Cadet Farker and reside with Cadet Strom. Objections to these arrangements should be submitted in writing to Captain Odinah, and an alternative placement would be considered.
Commander Ravel sure worked quickly. He'd said he would see about arranging for Alar to move in with me, but I hadn't expected him to move so fast.
"This was unexpected." Shovia finished reading her letter, folded the paper, and put it back in the envelope.
I had forgotten to tell her that I'd discussed that with Commander Ravel on the way back from my vacation, and the truth was that I hadn't been expecting him to do it so quickly. He'd also promised to supply me with a weapon, but the letter hadn't said anything about that.
Codric looked pleased as he turned to Shovia. "Finally, it's official. You are moving in with me."
Jarren regarded us with a curious expression on his face. "This is highly unusual, but my opinion is irrelevant. The reassignment is effective immediately."
I was happy that Alar and I were going to share quarters, but I wasn't happy about the other cadets having even more reason to treat us like we didn't belong.
"Thank you," I told Jarren.
"Enjoy." He gave us a tight smile before turning on his heel and walking away.
"Did anyone see this coming?" Morek asked, having read over Codric's shoulder.
"I asked Ravel about it on the way back," I admitted.
"After the attempt on my life, I thought it would be a good idea for me to have a weapon and suggested that Alar move in with me because he had military training and could protect me, but Ravel didn't seem too keen on the idea.
He said he would discuss it with the head of the Dragon Academy and let me know.
Apparently, the general agreed with me."
Shovia sighed dramatically. "I'm going to miss you in the mornings, Kailin." She jerked her thumb at Codric. "Now I'll be stuck with this one and his stinky socks."
"Hey," Codric protested. "My socks are not that bad."
"They are, and if you leave them on the floor even once, I'm requesting relocation," she warned, and she didn't sound like she was joking.
Codric rolled his eyes. "You've been sleeping in my room for weeks, and it never bothered you that much before."
"That's because I could escape back to my own clean, nicely smelling room in the mornings," Shovia shot back. "You've been put on notice, Codric. I refuse to be trapped with your disaster zone permanently."
I wasn't sure whether she was seriously upset or was just teasing Codric.
"You two will be fine," I said before their bickering could escalate. "You practically live together already anyway."
"That's different," Shovia said. "Having an escape route changes everything."
"I promise to make an effort." Codric wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
Alar stood, picking up his tray. "We should get moving if we want to transfer our things before curfew."
I nodded, standing as well. "I'll help you pack your things."
"There isn't much to pack," he said.
We disposed of our trays and headed out of the mess hall. Shovia and Codric peeled off toward our room, while Alar and I continued to his.
He chuckled. "I wonder whether they are allowing it because you are the Hero of Elucia."
"I hate that title," I muttered.
"I know." He took my hand, interlacing our fingers. "But if it comes with these kinds of benefits, it's worth it."
As we entered his room, I remembered what I'd meant to tell him earlier. "I contacted Nyxath today. I asked her to arrange a meeting with Saphir."
Alar arched a brow. "That was brave of you. Was it difficult to find her among all the dragons?"
"It took some effort." I frowned, thinking about it. "Actually, quite a lot. I didn't know what I was doing, and I'm still depleted from that dream."
He looked worried. "I thought you were getting better."
"I am. Usually, I have a general awareness of the dragons, but I've never attempted to contact Nyxath before.
Perhaps it would have been easier when I wasn't that depleted, but today the awareness was barely there, and my shamanic abilities felt dimmed.
It's like someone has turned down the volume on everything. "
"I don't think you should resume drinking Saphir's tea. You need more time to recover." He shook his head. "I don't know anything about your abilities, but it shouldn't take this long."
"There's always a price to pay." I smiled weakly. "The bigger the gain, the bigger the price."
"That sounds reasonable, but you need to ask Saphir if he experiences anything similar when he performs his shamanic feats. This level of depletion can't be sustainable."
"I will," I promised. "It's one of the reasons I want to see him. The other is that I want to tell the rest of our group about the portals and the prophecy. It's frustrating having to keep secrets from them."
"I know." He began pulling folded items from the wardrobe. "Watching what I say is a habit. Sometimes I forget what's real and what's the cover story, and it didn't start with the pilgrimage. That's how things are at court."
"That must be exhausting."
"It is," he admitted, stuffing his things into a large bag. "But at least with you, I can be myself."
"What about Codric?"
"Him too."
"Your brothers?"
Alar paused. "Not really. I'm the youngest, so there is always this need to impress them."
I was the younger sibling as well, so I knew what he meant, but it had never been as bad between Dylon and me. Perhaps it was different between brothers, more competitive.
We finished packing his belongings into two large travel bags, and Alar took one last look around the room to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything.
"You can always come back for whatever was left behind," I reminded him as I reached for one of the bags.
"I'll carry both." He looked offended by my mere suggestion of carrying one of them.
As we opened the door, we saw Codric walking over with Shovia, carrying bags.
"The great migration," Codric said cheerfully. "Did you smell my socks?" He asked me.
I shook my head. "I'd forgotten about the socks, so that means there was no offensive smell."
Codric turned to Shovia with a triumphant expression on his face. "You see? You always exaggerate."
Alar cleared his throat. "We dropped our dirty laundry off this morning."
"Right." Codric rubbed the back of his neck. "Forgot about that."
Shovia rolled her eyes at him, then put her bags down and pulled me into a fierce hug. "I know we're being silly because we are still sharing a hallway, but I'm going to miss sharing a room with you."
I hugged her back just as tightly, surprised by the sudden swell of emotion. "Me too. It won't be the same without your commentary on everything and everyone."
"I'll still provide commentary," she promised. "I'll just have to walk down the hall to do it." She cast Alar a sidelong glance. "Get used to the idea of seeing me around a lot."
"You are welcome anytime." He turned to me. "Let's get this done. We still need to use the showers."
He was right. I smelled faintly of dragon, and even though the slightly sulfurous scent didn't bother me, it wasn't pleasant either.
I felt a flutter of nervousness as we entered the room.
Sharing it officially was different from sneaking between rooms at night.
This was a public acknowledgment of our relationship, sanctioned by the Dragon Force command.
Then again, they had already acknowledged our relationship when they'd sent us together on leave.
"We can push the beds together and leave them like that," I said. "Do you want to do that before or after the showers?"
"Before, but I should unpack first."
"I'll help you."
He shook his head. "You need to conserve your strength. I can do it myself."
I didn't argue, suddenly feeling the exhaustion bone deep. Sitting down on my bed, I watched him arrange his books on Shovia's desk and place his uniforms and other clothing in the wardrobe.
"There," he said. "I'm all moved in."
"That was easy." I started taking off my boots.
"The physical part usually is," he agreed. "It's everything else that gets complicated."
"What do you mean?"
He sat on the bed next to me. "This is a big step. Living together means seeing each other at our worst, not just our best. Morning moods, bad days, the times when we need space but can't get it. It's different from choosing to spend time together."
I wondered if he had ever lived with a woman, but since I didn't want to hear the answer to that, I didn't ask. "We are already spending most of our free time together. We'll be fine."
He grimaced. "I just don't want you to be disappointed."
I laughed. "Alar, I've seen you with altitude sickness, upset stomach, and needlessly jealous over Ravel. I've also seen you take charge of rescue efforts and save people. You might not be perfect, but you are as close as it gets."
He lifted our joined hands and kissed my knuckles. "You always know what to say to make me feel good."
"It's a gift," I said, pretending humility. "By the way, I also asked Ravel for weapons, and he said he would consider that. I'll remind him tomorrow."
Alar nodded. "I would feel better having something to protect you with aside from my bare hands. Although I'm good at hand-to-hand."
"I know. I've seen you defeat one guy after the other on the sparring mat."
"Except for Morek. He's the undefeated champion."
"The one who moves faster than thought," I said. "Sometimes it really looks like he does."
Female cadets trained separately in hand-to-hand, but we would eventually have to fight the guys, and I wasn't looking forward to it.
As our instructor kept reminding us, we couldn't really compete with the males' superior strength, their higher bone density, and all the other physical advantages they were born with, so we would have to fight dirty and use nasty tricks.
I wondered how she expected us to do that to our friends, and even more so, why she thought that it would be effective on the Shedun, who fought dirtier than any of us could even imagine.
"You know what the strangest part is?" Alar said.
"What?"
"How normal this feels. Like we've been doing this for years."
"We've been spending our nights together, but it has only been weeks, not years." I leaned against his shoulder. "I'm glad we have this. After we graduate, we will get an apartment on one of the upper levels all to ourselves."
He stiffened next to me, and I knew that he was thinking about his family and their objection to me.
"It's going to be okay," I murmured. "Everything is going to somehow work out."
"It has to." He pulled me close against his chest.