Chapter 18 Alar
ALAR
The woman I love is preparing to poison herself again with that cursed tea, and I can't stay silent. The cost she pays for the use of her abilities is too steep, and I fear that one day there will be nothing left of her.
—From the private journal of Alar Tekum
"Don't," I said as Kailin pulled the sachet of tea leaves from her drawer. "You can't keep doing it. You need to let your body rest."
She paused, the sachet hovering above the mug. "Nyxath told me to continue, and before her, it was Ravel."
"Nyxath didn't see you this morning when you could barely open your eyes and shuffled to the bathroom like an eighty-year-old woman.
" I crossed the room and took it from her hand.
"You're not getting better, Kailin. It's been a week since Podana, and even though you've been consuming enough food for two, you are still too thin and you lack energy.
You have to tell Saphir what's going on. "
"I'm sure it's normal." She snatched the packet from me. "It was a massive energy expenditure, and it makes sense that the bigger the ability used, the longer the recovery."
"How do you know that? Have you asked Saphir if he experiences the same depletion when performing his shamanic duties? What if this is cumulative damage and you are compounding it?"
She put the tea leaves on the desk and sank onto the bed. "We need the intelligence these dreams provide."
"The attack on Podana was a week ago, and the Shedun are still licking their wounds." I sat beside her, taking her hand in mine. They seemed so fragile, nearly translucent. "You need to give yourself time to recover fully before pushing yourself again."
"The next attack could come at any time."
"Or it could be weeks away. Months even." I squeezed her hand. "Please. Just take a few more nights off."
She studied my face. "You're really worried about me."
"I'm terrified," I admitted. "I thought it would pass, and that you would recover your strength in no time, but you are not getting any better."
Her expression softened. "My mind is fine. I'm just tired and unable to restore my fat reserves, which might not be a bad thing. I always wanted to be slimmer."
"You were perfect the way you were." I scooped her into my arms and pulled her into my lap.
"I know that your special abilities make you valuable to Elucia and that you feel responsibility for guarding its future.
" I lifted her hand to my lips, kissing each knuckle.
"But what about our future? I need you whole, Kailin. Alive and vibrant."
She was quiet for a long moment, then sighed. "How about a compromise? I'll drink half the usual amount. It will help me get a glimpse without the depletion of energy."
The dreams had come during the first half of the week even without the tea, so she would have gotten that glimpse even if she didn't drink any of it, but given the stubborn set of her jaw, this was the best I'd get.
"A third?" I tried.
"Half." She wiggled out of my arms and went on to prepare the tea.
When it was done, she finished it in one go, grimacing at the taste. "I should get some honey to sweeten it."
"Don't. You'd be tempted to drink more."
"I don't think so." She put the empty mug on her desk. "Now, how about we push these beds together?"
I smiled. "This time we won't have to separate them in the morning. They could stay like that until the end of the year when they move us up a level."
"It feels a little strange." She arranged the blankets on top of the combined bed.
"I have to admit that when I imagined eventually sharing quarters with my fiancé, it wasn't quite like this.
" She laughed. "Two narrow beds pushed together in a military academy dorm room. Not exactly the height of romance."
"When you put it that way..." I smiled, but my smile faded as her words reminded me how impossible our future seemed.
She noticed my darkening mood and frowned. "What's wrong? You just went somewhere far away in your head."
I sat on the bed, pulling her down beside me. "I promised your grandmother she would dance at your wedding while she could still manage it."
"And?"
"And that's a promise I probably can't keep." The words tasted bitter. "The Citadel will likely be the only home we can share. Even if we marry, it would have to be without my parents. My father would never approve a match with—" I caught myself, but the damage was done.
"With an Elucian," she finished calmly. "I know."
"It's not about you personally. You're extraordinary.
But the politics, the reaction from the noble houses.
.." I ran a hand through my hair in frustration.
"The best I could offer you would be a secret ceremony.
No grand celebration, no state acknowledgment, just us and maybe your family, and I hate doing it like that.
I want to scream to the world that you are mine. "
"Stop." She placed a finger over my lips.
"Do you really think I care about any of that?
Grand celebrations and state acknowledgments?
" She shook her head. "My idea of a perfect wedding is a simple ceremony with the people we love.
My parents, grandmother, and our friends. That's all I need. All I want."
"But you deserve so much more."
"I deserve someone who loves me for who I am and sees all of me and chooses me anyway." Her blue eyes held mine. "As long as I have that, everything else is just decoration."
My throat tightened. "You have that."
She suddenly blushed, pressing her hands to her cheeks. "Dear Elu, what are we doing? We have known each other for a month and a half. We shouldn't be talking about a wedding."
I nodded, relieved that she was not in a rush to make anything official and that a grand ceremony wasn't important to her. "We know that we belong together and that is enough."
"It is." Something determined flashed in her eyes. "You, Alar Tekum, also known as Prince Alaranthus Tekumuton the Fifth, are mine…"
"I am yours," I breathed. "And you, Kailin Strom, also known as the Hero of Elucia, are mine."
She grimaced. "You know how much I hate that title."
"You shouldn't." I cupped her face in my hands.
"You are a hero in so many ways, Kailin.
You have no idea how much I admire you, and how awed I am by what you can do.
" I leaned forward and kissed her, deeply, desperately, trying to communicate everything I didn't know how to put into words.
"It feels like I've been waiting for you my entire life, but the reality of you is so much more than I could have ever imagined. "
She shook her head, but instead of verbally rebutting my statement, she pushed on my chest. "Enough talking."
We stumbled backward on the bed. My hands fumbled with the buttons of her shirt while hers worked at mine, both of us suddenly frantic with need.
This felt different from our previous encounters. It wasn't just desire or even need; it was a claiming, a sealing of the promises made.
Her uniform top hit the floor, followed quickly by mine. I traced the line of her throat with my lips, feeling her pulse race beneath my touch. She arched beneath me, her hands tangling in my hair.
"I can't believe that you are mine, Kailin," I murmured against her skin.
She looked at me with those expressive eyes of hers. "I'm still waiting to wake up and realize that it was all a dream, even though I've never dreamed of being the chosen of a prince."
I wanted to tell her that it wasn't nearly as big a deal as me being chosen by a goddess, but I knew that she would object to me calling her that, and right now I wanted to make love to her.
We took time to worship each other with touches and whispers.
I mapped every inch of her with my hands and mouth, committing it all to memory—the small bruise on her shoulder from hand-to-hand training, the way she gasped when I kissed the sensitive spot behind her ear, the fierce concentration on her face when she rose above me.
"I love you," she said as we moved together, her eyes locked on mine.
"And I love you." I pulled her down for another kiss.
Later, when I held her as she drifted toward whatever visions the tea would bring, I prayed that the half dose would be gentle on her and that whatever visions it would bring about, I would be able to keep her grounded and make sure that she found her way back home.