His Little Amelia

|72| • Amelia

·

I'd lost him.

I'd lost the only man I cared so deeply for, the man I'd come to admire and love with every inch of my heart.

I'd lost him because of my own foolish antics.

Knowing I was the cause of his made me stagger, tears becoming normal as they strolled down my face, my heart squeezed making it hard to breathe.

He left.

Evie walked out on me, did that mean he was walking out on us?

Ha...I wasn't even allowed to call him that anymore.

I continued staring at the closed door, wishing I'd wake up from his horrible dream, hoping with everything in me that he'd come back in and yell at me instead.

If he'd refused to speak to me while still living here with me, it'd break my heart but we'd have a better chance at smoothening things out.

But now...

What was I supposed to do?

I was starting to get used to the fact that everyone would leave someday. But not Everest. I didn't want him to leave, especially when it was because of something I had done. A mistake I had made.

The words he seethed at me before he felt tormented me.

He was right in every way. I had refused to acknowledge how flirty and touchy Raul was, just because I didn't want to stop being his friend, just because I didn't want Kaji and Arnold to feel uncomfortable if I stopped speaking to Raul.

I didn't want to see it, I brushed it off time and time again.

Whenever his hands lingered on my body, I'd played it off with a smile, not wanting to make our friendship awkward.

But now, I didn't have Everest anymore, he was disappointed in me. He couldn't stand being in the same house as me. So what was the point in holding a friendship so dear if I was going to lose my relationship? I wish I never got to see him that broken, that...hurt.

I wanted to scream.

To scream so loud it hurt my lungs.

Why did I come here to face the music in the first place, knowing fully well I wouldn't be able to take it?

Could the consequences of my actions be any more cruel?

My hands shook, feeling ice cold. I continued to stare off into thin air, not fully realizing what I'd just done.

Why...why did I have to do that? Why didn't I leave the party when I felt drunk?

Why didn't I call Everest, if I had, I knew how he'd come to my rescue, no questions asked.

But instead, I chose this harsh fate for myself. I let myself be manipulated again, and this time, it didn't come with a slap on the wrist.

Squatting down, I dug my face into my hands, trying to hide my shame.

The sobs on my lips gave me a throbbing headache.

There was nothing left to say, I was more disappointed in myself.

I should have seen it coming, I should have known something like this would happen sooner or later if I didn't speak firmly against Raul. Yet...

I still didn't.

Everest didn't even say when he'd be coming back, I didn't know if he'd be coming back.

The thought gripped my chest. What if he decided he wanted to break up?

If he couldn't look me in the eye any longer?

I cried harder, hating myself for acting this way.

I hated myself because I could have stopped this, but didn't.

Wiping my tears, I wobbled to my feet, the heels feeling heavy on my feet as I walked back into my room.

I probably looked repulsive when I begged him to stay.

Perhaps that was why he told me to let him go, to not call him Evie.

I couldn't look myself in the mirror, I'd cringe at the person staring back.

With low whimpers, I took off my clothes and shoes, loosening the rope which tied my hair.

He was in therapy.

Everest was in therapy because he wanted to be a better man. So that was why he refused to tell me where he'd been or was going. He wanted to be better, for us.

Us.

Stepping into the shower, I let the cold water release the tension in my shoulders.

Was that what the card I'd seen in his car the other day was about?

I felt terrible. That word couldn't even begin to describe it.

Inching my hand to my neck, I thought of how Everest grimaced at the marks on my neck like I'd been burned with a hot iron.

It couldn't wash off, even if it did, it wouldn't change anything.

These marks would be a constant reminder--for as long as it was there -- of how I'd lost the man I cared about all because I was naive, all because I chose to remain naive.

I'd never liked that word, it jabbed my inside whenever someone said it.

Though they'd put it up with 'innocence' and 'adorable' I was reduced to nothing but a little girl in their sight.

But with Everest...I didn't have to act so mature because I honestly wasn't.

He didn't say those words as a taunt, he'd only taught me what I should know, he didn't seem at all frustrated when I let my playful, childish side run free. I was comfortable that way,

But today, those words almost made my knees buckle. Not only did I feel like a child, I felt like a foolish one who'd disappointed him in the deepest way possible, who'd hurt him and made him cry. When I saw him cry, I cried harder.

He shouldn't cry for me.

Everest was the best man I could ever ask for. Yet he got in his knees and cried, because of the mistake I'd done, what I'd allowed to happen.

Taking a deep breath, I shook my head. With every thought, there throb in my head got worse.

It hurt to even think so I tried to silence my mind.

I needed to change...I needed to change but I didn't know how to.

Would it be speaking up once I was uncomfortable?

Or shutting down any guy that tried to make a move on me?

I always got manipulated, the thing was, I didn't realize it was happening until it happened.

Sighing, I washed my hair with the strawberry shampoo Everest bought for me.

No...

I couldn't keep thinking of him, not with regret. My heart hurt too much, if I cried any longer I'd be fighting for my own breath. I wasn't worthy of him, not anymore. But, if I got better, if I stopped being so naive...would he forgive me?

Turning off the shower, I stepped out. As I wiped myself clean, my stomach whined in hunger.

I had puked out everything in my stomach from last night, leaving me empty.

Simply being here felt like I was invading his space.

Inhaling deeply, I put over my head an oversized shirt, pushing my feet through the slipper. Sluggishly, I walked to the kitchen.

The house felt lonely and suffocating.

I felt like an invader.

Nibbling on my lips, I turned towards the kitchen.

Memories of us sitting in the dining, eating and laughing while he held my hand flashed through my mind.

Blinking them away, I opened the fridge.

He had cooked and stored it in the fridge when I opened it, I realized it was lasagne, bowls of curry rice and a bowl of soup.

Tears welled up in my eyes again, I had asked him to make me a buffet days ago -- as a joke.

When I came back, I saw he'd made more than the two of us could finish, so he lacked it up and stored it for me to eat whenever I felt like it.

Dropping it back into the fridge, I took a bottle of water before going back into my room.

I couldn't eat it, not after what had happened.

I'd just have to wait until the guilt was done eating my insides.

Laying on the bed, I felt a fresh batch of tears come down, wetting my pillow.

Who wouldn't the tears stop falling? My body felt weak.

It was still morning, yet I felt so drained, as though I'd been under the sun working for hours on end.

"What am I going to do?"

I whispered to myself, hugging the bottle of water as I drifted off to sleep.

·

Hunger gnawed at my belly the moment I woke up.

It was now dark. Groaning, I stretched out, the bottle of water beside me on the bed.

I hadn't even drank out of it yet. I could feel the dried-up tear stains on my cheeks when I yawned, my throat burned with parchedness.

Blinking multiple times, I looked around.

Jumping out of bed, I ran out of my room, looking hastily around, my shoulders slumping is sadness.

That was right, Everest wasn't around anymore.

With a lingering stare, I walked back to my bed, slumping on it.

"Lord...I...I know I don't talk to you much.

But please, please tell me how I can stop being so naive and easy to manipulate.

" I croaked out, looking up at the ceiling.

When was the last time I'd genuinely prayed?

Did I really expect Him to answer me? Feeling like the prodigal son, I turned my face to my pillow in shame.

"Please...I'm sorry for being so foolish.

" I muttered, my words muffling into the pillow.

With a grown, I stretched my hands, taking my phone from the counter.

The silence burned my mind, I looked at my phone, going to Everest's contact.

He wasn't online. I couldn't help but think, where did he go to?

Did he go back home? Did he go to Gabe's place?

I'm sure Gabe would hate my guts when he learned the truth.

I wanted to message him, to tell him all the things I couldn't say this morning.

To tell him that I didn't know how not to be manipulated, I found it hard to refuse people because I was so scared of being hated.

I could have told him instead of constantly apologizing.

I was sorry, from the very bottom of my heart. But I knew that wouldn't be enough anymore. My apology probably meant little to nothing to him. I couldn't message him now, he was still angry, still hurt. Letting out a shaky breath, I opened my contact list.

I didn't know what to do, or who to speak to.

Should I call Preston? I could imagine how sad he'd look if I told him what I'd done.

Would he even have time for me? He was working, this was Saturday after all.

Scrolling slowly, I saw Kaji's contact. She'd equally be disappointed.

The party was supposed to be fun for both of us.

We were supposed to use it to let loose.

Taking a deep breath, I decided to call her.

It rang once before she picked up.

"Amelia! Goodness, I was just about to call you.

I've been with my cousin all day and -- never mind that.

What happened last night? When I and Arnold tried looking for you, we didn't see you, or Raul.

" The concern dripping from her voice twisted my guts -- or maybe it was just the hunger.

Hoping I would start sobbing again, I tried to find my voice.

They were looking for me...I didn't have to do anything that made me feel uncomfortable for her or Arnold to be my friend.

Arnold never touched me in a way passed the friendship border, he only side-hugged me sometimes, and that was it.

He didn't hold my waist or call me love.

Was that how it was supposed to be...? My lips whimpered, and tears formed in my eyes once more.

Why...why couldn't I have known him before Darrick?

Then I'd know how a guy was meant to behave as yourself.

But I didn't dare blame them, not before blaming myself.

"Amelia? Are...are you crying? What happened?

" Kaji called out. That was when I realized she was still on the call.

Sitting up, I took my phone to my ear, sniffing.

"Kaji, I screwed up big time," I told her, my voice low.

Kaji hummed in confusion. How was I going to tell her I cheated on my boyfriend with Raul? How...?

Hiccuping, I summed up the courage to let it out.

"K-Kaji, at the party, I kissed Raul. And -- and he took me to his place.

" Saying it a second time made me realize how messed up it was.

He offered to take me to his place and I agreed.

He led me to his bedroom, kissed and touched me, yet I thought it was Evie.

I couldn't decipher them. Drunk or not, I should have known it wasn't Everest.

She remained quiet for a while.

"K-Kaji?" I called out, hoping she'd heard me.

I didn't want to repeat those words again.

"Amelia, are you for real right now?" She snarled, sounding a tad bit shocked and a lot more furious.

"Why would you do that? Don't you have a boyfriend?

! We--we spoke about your boyfriend before we entered that club!

Why? What...does he know?" I shrunk back into my bedpost. Nodding my head, I told her he knew.

I told her how I'd woken up in Raul's room, scared, and how Everest and I had a big fight, leading to him leaving his apartment because of me.

When I was done, I was a crying mess. Putting my phone on loudspeaker, I dropped it on the bed, crying into my palms.

"Amelia, that's so fucking low man. I mean, I know you think everyone has your best interest at heart but.

..you were just manipulated for his selfish interest .

" She scowled, not holding back. I didn't need her to, I could take it, I wanted to take it.

Perhaps then, this little brain of mine would think better.

I didn't want to be manipulated ever again. It hurt too much to bear a third time.

"Kaji I don't know what to do. I...how do I become a better person?" I asked, crying out in sadness. Now that I was talking about it to someone I could call a true friend, I felt all my emotions come out raw. I sobbed, crying to my heart's content. Kaji sighed, not saying anything as I cried.

"And Raul...did he seriously do that knowing how you are? What a piece of shit. I thought he had some self-control left in him...guess not." She mumbled angrily.

Raul...I didn't want to be near him ever again. The mere call of his name made my tummy twist in disgust.

"Amelia, I honestly thought you knew better than this. But...I'm not going to chew you out, if this happened in the morning, I'm sure you've had more than enough time to beat yourself up for it." She explained. I wanted to object to that. I felt like I hadn't been scolded enough.

"You asked how you can become a better person," Kaji spoke up, I nodded, wiping my tears away.

"It's not some sort of formulae. It's honestly just to think it through.

What I mean is, you knew he had been a flirt, but you chose to bask in it instead of telling him off.

You smiled and grinned his way even though you knew it fueled his ego.

You let him hold you even when you knew your boyfriend wouldn't approve of it. You kept ignoring the signs...why?"

I remained silent, not wanting to say what I'd said to Everest. I wish I could take back those words as well.

"Here's what I think, you were afraid, afraid he'd probably ignore you or we'd leave you or something.

Look, even if he stopped talking to you if you called him out, so what?

He's not the only guy you can be friends with, is he?

If you were scared Arnold and I would leave too, sure we are a group -- even if I'd hate to include that scumbag with us right now -- but we aren't conjoined!

Heck, you could choose to just be friends with me!

You didn't have to be friends with the three of us.

" I listened, pinching the hew of my shirt, my chin resting on the surface of my knee.

I made sure to listen to her every word.

"Being scared to lose friends is overwhelming, trust me, I've been there. It does way more damage than good. Look, repeat after me: Screw being a people pleaser." Kaji seethed, I perked my head up, "W-What?" I croaked out, confused. "I said repeat, Amelia!" Her stern tone made me clear my throat.

"S-screw being a people pleaser...?"

"That's not the tone of someone who wants to change.

" When I heard her say this, I caved in.

"Internalize it, Amelia. You can't keep pleasing every guy that comes your way because you're in need of a friend or best friend or whatever the heck you wanted!

" I looked down at my toes. Was that why I was easily manipulated?

All because I wanted to please everyone so much?

"Now, say it again. Let me hear how determined you are to change."

"Screw being a people pleaser..." I said once more, raising my voice a little.

Kaji sighed in emphasis. "I guess you're just doomed to be manipulated over and over.

Losing Evie forever." She huffed, sounding like she'd given up.

My eyes widened. "No! No, I'm not! I don't want to be ever again! " I told her.

"Then what are you going to do about that?"

There was only one way to this, huh? Clearing my throat, I screamed out loud, "Scew being a people pleaser!"

"What was that?! I didn't hear you!"

"Screw people a people pleaser!"

"Damn right, now say it: 'When I feel a slight bit put off by someone, I take for the hills!'."

"When I feel a slight bit put off by someone, I take for the hills!" I screamed back, not knowing why the words gave me a bit of hope. Could I really do this? "One more time, Amelia!"

"When I feel a slight bit put off by someone, I take for the hills!" I yelled out, internalizing those words. Kaji laughed out, taking a deep breath. "Don't you forget that pledge, Amelia. Do you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Good, now stop crying. I have to go now. I need to call that scumbag." She huffed, I thanked her before she hung up. Sighing, I leaned against the bedpost, looking at the wall. I remained silent, thinking about everything that had happened.

I wanted to change.

For my sake, for Everest's sake. Closing my eyes, I continued to take deep breaths until my heart stopped thudding so hard. "I'm so sorry, Everest..." I muttered to myself, hoping he'd hear me wherever he was.

"I'm sorry for hurting you."