|73| • Amelia
Waking up, I felt myself sinking into the bed.
I was exhausted, partly because I had barely eaten anything for the entire day yesterday.
From how hard I had cried, I was darn dehydrated.
When I woke up on Sunday morning, I barely had the stomach to eat.
I munched on some peanuts while lying like a bedridden human until I fell into another deep sleep which lasted till this morning.
Blindly searching for the bottle of water I remembered taking with me, my hands trailed over a curved plastic with water in it.
With the little strength I had left, my body pushed itself up to sit against the bedpost. Unscrewing the cap, I gulped down half of the bottle at once. A shaky breath left my lips.
The brightness was peaking out from the curtains now, it was the next day for sure.
Closing my eyes, I inhaled repeatedly before holding out my phone.
I didn't expect Everest to message me, but a part of me hoped that he would.
That he'd tell me wherever he was. Sighing, I rode my head off the stupid thought, staring at the time.
It was nearly seven.
So I had about an hour before heading to class.
Did I even want to go? It didn't matter, I had to go, this was my dream...he had paid for it. Perhaps I didn't feel up to it because I was going to see that guy again. Raul. The thought of seeing him, or being in the same class with him ached my belly.
That was partly because of how hungry I was.
Climbing off the bed, I pushed myself lazily to the door.
It was the same as last night, empty and lonely.
Pursing my lips, I turned robotically to the kitchen, opening the fridge to bring out the bowl of curry rice.
As I transferred it to another plate to warm, I wondered, was he eating okay wherever he was?
Closing the bowl back up, I spotted another bowl of barbecue chicken deep inside. When did he learn to cook so well? Sure I wasn't too bad at cooking, but baking was my strong point. I wanted to learn more recipes, so I'd be able to cook for him.
Dropping the chicken drumstick onto the plate, I set it in the microwave, closing the fridge back up.
Still hungry, I grabbed a handful of grapes like some scavenger, throwing it in my mouth to quench my hunger and thirst. Moaning, I threw another one in.
This was enough to give me the needed strength to bathe.
Going back into my room, I chewed hungrily on the purple grapes, nodding my head in satisfaction.
When I stared at my phone, I wondered, would it be okay to send a message to Everest?
I doubt he wanted to hear from me, if he left in the first place didn't that mean he didn't want to be close to me in any way? I guess I'd have to be patient.
"Okay, time to shower," I said to myself, walking into the bathroom.
I'd reached the point where I could barely find tears to cry, all I did was ponder on my action with a dose of guilt and regret. Those thoughts brought the same result, I still wanted — no, I needed to become better. The chants Kaji said I should let sink in only did so much.
I didn't want to be a people pleaser.
I would definitely take for the heels when I felt a slight bit put off.
But honestly? I didn't think that was enough.
I needed something else. Everest did say he went to therapy, even though I didn't know of it before, I saw a different side of him.
He'd speak his mind about his feelings, and he'd think through things better than before.
Even now, he decided to leave, he could have sent me away, could've cursed me out and said I should go back to my Papa's house.
Yet he was the one that left his own apartment. For me.
I didn't deserve his kindness, not after I'd blindly ignored his concerns.
He'd told me his thoughts on Raul, yet I ignored it. Why did I ignore it? Why didn't I understand that his feelings needed to be put above any reason of mine to keep Raul as a friend? A friend...what did that word even mean? Perhaps I got the definition wrong all along.
Huffing, I turned off the shower, letting the droplets run across my body before leaving.
Everest was right, I didn't respect his wishes, and I didn't acknowledge the fact that he openly told me he didn't like a particular thing, yet did it anyway.
If I could take the time back, I would never have been friends with Raul, I'd never have let him call me any names or hold my hand.
But I couldn't go back in time.
When I was done dressing up, I looked in the mirror.
My eyes were still a bit swollen but apart from that, I looked okay.
The oversized shirt drooped down to my thighs, covering a bit of the leggings I'd put on.
The chunky sneakers matched the shirt as they were both white.
I didn't feel up to dressing today, I wanted to stay home, I wanted to stay and roll in my guilt some more.
But I couldn't.
"Oh right, my food!" Taking my bag and my phone, I made my way to the kitchen. The scent of the curry rice tickled my nose, the barbecue chicken made my tummy growl. Taking the hot plate out of the microwave, I quickly dropped it on the table, hissing at the heat.
When I was done pouring myself some water and orange juice, I began to eat in silence.
Without him, this place was definitely not the same.
"Hey, Amelia. How are you?"
It was Willow Rue's cheery voice that struck me from my thoughts. The first class was about to start and I'd come a few minutes early, solemnly thinking on my seat, my head resting against my palms as people strolled in.
Looking up, I saw her bright face, her lips painted with red.
She looked beautiful as usual. Forcing a smile on my lips, I sat up.
"Hi, Willow Rue. I'm alright. How are you?
" I responded. That simple question almost made my lips downturn, I wasn't fine and I certainly wasn't 'alright', but she didn't need to know that.
I didn't want anyone else to know about this.
Willow Rue smiled, it would have been contagious if I wasn't feeling so broken inside.
"I'm so good! Though I got really drunk on Friday, I woke up feeling groggy the entire Saturday.
But after going to church and hanging out with my friends the next day, I'm back to myself.
" She explained smoothly, swooping the strand of her hair to the back of her ear.
A genuine smile arched the side of my lips.
I was glad she turned out alright, admittedly a bit jealous, but still glad. "Oh, look. Raul's here." She called out, pointing towards the door.
My shoulders tensed up, hesitantly, I looked towards where she pointed to see him.
He entered the classroom, scanning it until his eyes met mine.
I didn't turn my gaze away, my stare just hardened as I watched him.
He better not come here. "Uh, are you okay?
" Willow Rue muttered, probably wondering why I grimaced instead of smiling at him as per usual.
"Yeah, I'm good." I seethed, glaring into thin air until he passed where we sat. Good. I didn't have any more to say to him. He was a constant reminder of how foolish I'd been. Blinking back, I turned my gaze to Willow Rue, pursing my lips. "Why do you keep looking at me?" I couldn't help but ask.
"You...I've never seen you look so angry. Did something happen?" She whispered, subtly nodding her head to Raul. Huffing, I shook my head. I didn't want anyone else to know what I did. It was no use, just stupid gossip.
"I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed," I say with a shrug.
"Good morning chefs!" A greeting pulled our gaze to the front. Thankfully, the Chef had arrived and it was time for class. Willow Rue waved, going to sit in front of me. I stared at the chef, tweaking the hem of my oversized shirt as I listened to him speak.
As I tried to concentrate, my mind kept going back and forth to Everest.
I missed Everest.
I missed him so much that my heart ached at the thought.
I wrote down the remaining ingredients in my book, trying to memorize the recipe. We were going to make this dessert tomorrow, it would be an individual exercise. Closing my book, I stretched out, yawning. This was the second class for today, lunch was next.
Finally. I had time to think.
Putting my head on the desk, I gently flailed my legs, humming quietly.
If I did want to go to therapy, where would I find one?
Did I even have enough money for that? Perhaps I'd pay for just a session.
If it helped me, I'd have to take out of my savings to continue. Looking at my note, I thought of home.
I missed Papa and Abel.
Would it be too soon to visit them once more?
I'd have to tell Abel about me cheating on Everest. My shoulders tensed.
He'd be so disappointed in me, I just knew it.
I was disappointed in myself. Huffing, I tucked my head into my arms. This sucked.
I'd never get drunk on alcohol again. This sucked so bad.
"Hey..." A voice called out lowly. I immediately recognized the voice, my entire body jolting up. Why did he come here? Ignoring his call, I grabbed my bag and climbed off the chair. There were barely any people in the classroom now, class had ended minutes ago, so why the heck was Raul still here?
"Amelia, wait please." He called out like that was enough to make me stop.
I didn't have to listen to him, I didn't even want to hear his voice or be near him.
Raul's presence taunted me. I had to dab the counter on my neck, just so I wouldn't see those repulsive marks on my neck!
Now he goes on with 'Amelia, wait.' What a joke.
"Hey, I'm sorry okay? I know I screwed up, but does that mean you'll ignore and hate me forever?" Raul called out, walking after me, before I could reach the door, his hands cupped my elbow, pulling me towards him.
I widened my eyes.
"Touch me again and I'll scream rape." I seethed, my heart beating fast. He widened his eyes in shock, taking that opportunity, I yanked my arms away, making a run for it.
Speed walking out of the classroom, I went into the lunch room, my heart still thumping fast. When he touched me, I got scared, those thoughts came rushing back.
Thoughts of how we kissed and he groped me.
Shaking my head, I wiped the place he touched me.
My eyes spotted Kaji and Arnold at the side of the hall. I quickly made my way to them.
Arnold was the first one to spot me.
"Hey Amelia, you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." He spoke up, standing to his feet. I looked up at him, shaking my head. I wasn't okay. Did he know as well? Did Kaji tell him already? He pulled out the chair for me as I sat down, going to sit as well. Kano frowned, watching me.
"Is it Raul? You saw him, right?"
I tensed up.
"Yeah I did, but it's fine. I don't want to talk about him.
" The last thing I wanted was to make him the subject again, he was already invading my mind, and I didn't want to make it worse.
Kaji nodded, munching on her apple. Arnold huffed, "Kaji and I spoke about it.
" He began, turning to face me, I looked up, embarrassed that he also knew what I'd done.
I hope he didn't hate me too much. Picking my nails, I asked, "And? "
"And to be honest, I'm disappointed in him.
..and you. But if anything I blame him more.
So we put our friendship with him on a time out, and told him to stay away.
" Arnold explained. They'd really do that, huh?
I was prepared for them to say I wasn't going to be friends with them anymore.
I was prepared to have someone leave again.
Looking down in shame, I continued to pick at my dress.
"I'm sorry, it's all my fault. If I had put an end to it, this wouldn't have happened.
" I apologized, my throat burning. I would have cried, but I was too tired of crying.
"It's not all your fault. We all had a hand in it.
I could've set him straight harsher." Arnold said, making me look up in surprise.
His fault? He had nothing to do with it!
"Me too, I saw how he behaved with you but I never sat him down to talk about it.
" What were they saying? They couldn't take the blame that was meant to be all mine.
"I-it's not your fault, it's none of your fault! Please don't say that." I muttered, not having the mind to look at them.
What did they think they were doing? It would only make me feel worse. Kaji chuckled, holding my shoulder. "Look at me, Amelia." Hesitantly, I gaze up at her. She smiled, her eyes twinkling in the light. "We'll show you what friendship actually looks like, you're not alone, okay?"
Just when I thought I'd had enough of crying, a tear slipped out of my eyes.
I folded, crying into my palms. I didn't deserve them, any of them.
I wanted to be alone and drown in guilt, but I couldn't do that.
I had to get up and be better, I needed to grow up.
I needed to...for Evie if anyone. I loved him, and I didn't want him to hate me because of this.
I wanted us to get through this, no matter what.
Kaji rubbed my shoulders, "There, there."