|75| • Amelia
I never thought I'd be in someplace like this.
Staring at the building made goosebumps trail on my skin.
I needed to do this, so why was it making me so anxious?
Taking a deep breath, I nibbled on my lip, hoping it'd calm me down.
Come on Amelia, this is going to help you.
I tried talking myself into it. The appointment had already been made, Kaji had already dropped me off, saying she'd be waiting nearby.
It was my turn to do something, so why was I hesitating?
Was this how nerve-wrecked Evie felt like going to therapy?
Hugging my elbows, I shook my head. I wasn't sure what exactly I and the therapist were going to do, or even talk about, yet I was scared.
Scared because it felt as though I was going to strip in front of a stranger.
Strip all my emotions and let the professional dissect into them, call me out and criticize me.
Ah...what am I even saying? Closing my eyes, I took another breath.
Every second I wasted outside was a second I could've spent with the therapist.
Goodness gracious.
Didn't I want to get better again?! Huffing in annoyance, I formed a fist, stomping into the building like I had a query for the manager.
The room was on the first floor, so speedily — before my nerves gave out — I climbed the staircase.
Opening and shutting my palms repeatedly, they were sweaty now.
The door was brown, it looked basic but the golden name tag made it a bit more vibrant.
'Dr Jones' the name of the therapist was written in bold, for no one to miss.
Looking around, I saw the hallway empty, there were other doors which stretched as long as the hallway.
I wondered, were they all therapists here?
Opening my folded fist, I touched the cold door handle, twisting it open. A cool air blew past me, the calming scent of cinnamon and vanilla filling my nostrils. Without looking inside, I took a step into the room, closing the door behind me. I was finally here.
I admit, I was pretty embarrassed when I asked Kaji if she knew any therapists around, it made me seem a bit cuckoo in the head.
However, I felt didn't matter more than the will I had to change.
It was hard to let people go, even when I knew they'd do not harm than good in staying, I just couldn't stand the fact that they'd leave me all alone.
It took a lot to know that wasn't just me being selfish, it was a real issue I had to fix.
"It's nice that you made it, Miss Amelia.
I was thinking you'd taken for the hills.
" A light joke came with the thick voice.
Realizing I was still standing there like a deer caught in the headlights, I let the handle of the door go, wiping my dampened hands on my jeans.
Turning to the voice, I was met with a middle-aged man, dark-skinned and with a soft smile.
"Oh, uh...I thought of that. No, that was a joke, sorry, bad joke.
" I was nervous, and rambling. With quick strides, I made it to the sofa, "Can I?
" He gestured his hands, picking up his notebook and pen.
Oh. He was going to write my issues down on there, wasn't he?
Yikes. Plopping on the sofa, I intertwined my hands, pursing my lips as he slowly made his way to the opposite seat.
"My name is Dr. Jones and I'll be your therapist." He introduced smoothly, making me almost shrink in defeat. Could I ever be as put together as that? "I, my name's Amelia...Amelia Njoli." I worded, trying to match his finesse but failing.
He smiled, nodding. "Firstly, I want to commend you for booking this, not many people are bold enough to see it through.
So that's good. Also, there's a little secret I'll let you in on, half of the problem is already solved when you open up about it.
" The way he spoke calmed me down, there wasn't a reason to be nervous anymore.
For some odd reason, I trusted him to keep this confidential.
Was that because of his profession? His aura? The 'Dr' in his name? Whichever it was, I relaxed on his sofa.
And what he said, I just hoped he was right. Ah...yeah, I guess that means I'll have to open up about my problems.
Easy enough...
"Okay," I responded awkwardly, looking around his office.
There was nothing too fancy, but I noticed how clean it was.
The round clock shined to perfection, and the decorations on the wall sat at the correct angle, not one dangling in an awkward position.
The books on his table were stacked against each other and pushed to the side.
"Miss Amelia?" I blinked back, turning to him. "Hm? Sorry, and could you just call me Amelia?" He was definitely older than me, his calling me a miss made me uncomfortable. Dr Jones nodded, "Sure thing, Amelia."
I half smiled back, what made him so cheery anyway?
My heart was eating at me with utmost guilt and disappointment.
I was constantly afraid whenever I got back to the apartment, scared that this would be my new normal.
The events of that unfaithful night never missed a night in my dreams. Frankly, I found it hard to smile without feeling guilty and foolish.
"How is your life going? Tell me." He questioned, closing his notebook. My life? That was quite a general question. Shifting in my seat, I opened my mouth to tell him.
I told him how I was a student, a baker in Gaston's Culinary Dream.
I had a dad and a brother who I was no longer staying with because of the distance from my school, when it was time to tell him about Evie, I faltered but continued anyway.
Dr Jones didn't let an emotion leave his face, he stayed trained on me, I explained how I was living with my boyfriend but due to some issues I was yet to fix, I ended up cheating and he left.
When I mentioned the last part, he didn't frown, or even flinch, he just listened.
"So...yeah, life's great," I said with a false smile. "You mentioned some issues you're yet to fix, can you tell me what those are?"
"Well, I don't know what to call it. I just..
." My words seemed to come out with much more ease, explaining how I couldn't bear the thought of losing a friend, how I'd gone against Everest's words and continued to let people treat me however they pleased.
It had happened once before, with Darrick, and it happened again with Raul.
By the end of my explanation, he'd known more of my past, and the names as well.
Was I supposed to keep that confidential?
"I see. So you dislike the feeling of being abandoned."
That word, 'abandoned' made me shrink a size smaller. Ashamed. I nodded. I hated the feeling, but oh I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't attach my worth to such things, I wish I could shrug at the fact of someone leaving or threatening to leave if I didn't allow them to behave as they wished.
"Yeah, I guess." Barely audible was my whisper, but Dr Jones nodded.
"That's what we call abandonment issues or the fear of abandonment.
You don't want to be lonely or have a person leave so you tend to accommodate their toxic traits or comprise for their sake.
Am I on the right track?" I shrank even more, nodding silently.
"This is usually caused by a childhood trauma or something of that sort.
Tell me, you said you had your dad and brother. What happened to your mom?"
How did we even get to this conversation?
I opened my mouth but hesitated.
Mama...I hadn't talked about her in a while. I was now accustomed to the feeling of missing her. Dr Jones waited patiently, while I stumbled while trying to speak.
"She...she left me when I was little."
"Left you?"
"She passed away," I mumbled, twirling the hem of my top. He nodded. "Okay, then we'll start from there."
·
We'd spent two hours but it felt shorter than that, I left breathing better than before.
Squinting my eyes, I looked for Kaji's car.
She did say she'd be coming a few minutes before I closed.
What Dr. Jones had said to me kind of shocked me.
I thought he was going to dive straight into Everest and why I had cheated, but there we were, digging into my past.
It felt refreshing, I was going to go back in two days. We'd scheduled another meeting for then, and for this one, I'd be right on time.
Honk, honk!
I flinched at the noise, seeing a car roll in. "Hey pretty lady, can I interest you in a ride?"
The words made my face scrunch up as the window opened.
I giggled, "Kaji!" She winked, wiggling her eyebrows.
Quickly, I entered the car, "I was about to go off on you for a second.
" I joked, buckling up. Kaji snorted. Unlike outside where the sun showed its teeth, her car was cold, and the perfume glued to her dashboard left the space feeling cosy.
Clicking the seatbelt, I took a deep whiff of the scent in the car.
"You? Blow off? Ha!" I huffed at her taunt.
"Anyways, how was the session?" She inquired.
I sat up, smiling a bit better now. After the session with Dr. Jones, I realized this issue I battled with may have run deeper than I thought.
Why else would we make Mama the subject?
It was a bit uncomfortable picking at old scabs, but I guess it was necessary.
Excitement bubbled in my belly when he told me it was possible to come out of this and be better.
I couldn't be more eager to see the kind of woman I'd grow into after this.
"It was way not what I expected it to be.
And the therapist has a calming aura, and we spoke about some personal issues.
I actually liked it, so I'll go back on my own in two days.
" I told her, playing with the leather that clothed the car.
Who knew talking to someone could make me feel this light and hopeful? "Really?" Kaji hummed, smiling.
"I'm glad. And yeah, try to be consistent and I bet you'll have a fresh mindset in no time.
" Kaji said in a teasing tone. She was right, I definitely couldn't let this advice go in one ear and leave through the other.
"Anyways, I invited my cousin to lunch, want to come with?
It's around the corner." She said, making me look up.
Her cousin? For some reason, it never occurred to me to ask the name of her cousin, I'd just taken it like that.
All I knew was that her cousin was a girl and she didn't live close, so whenever Kaji went to hers, she stayed over.
"Sure! I'd love to." It'd be nice to meet her cousin. Kaji seemed to like her anyway, so it wouldn't be so bad. She nodded, driving into a cafe after about ten minutes. The cafe was as vibrant as it was busy. At such a prime hour, I expected no less.
"Alright, let's go. She says she'll be here soon.
" Kaji explained, looking at her phone. Nodding, I followed behind her, bringing out my phone as well.
Whenever I held it, the thought came back rushing into my head.
The thought of messaging Everest. I didn't want to make his mood foul or make him all the more angry with me.
He had every reason to be angry, all reason to leave.
If I did message him...wouldn't that be too selfish of me?
But...I missed him so much.
I wanted us to talk about what happened, I knew there wasn't going to be a quick 'moving on' from this, but I couldn't bear being this way with him. I really hoped he was taking care of himself, most of all, I hoped he didn't blame himself for this. It was all mine to take.
"Amelia?"
I snapped my head up, humming. Kaji raised an eyebrow, "Are you going to keep standing there?
" I looked around, seeing that I had literally stopped in my tracks to think, people had to walk around me to pass.
Quickly, I waddled to an empty seat, putting my head down in embarrassment.
Kaji chuckled, "I take it you're thinking about him.
" Her assumptions were correct, who else would I allow to flood my mind?
Sighing, I cupped my chin, leaning into the table.
"Yeah..." I mumbled quietly.
"Have you messaged him since?" Kaji questioned, taking the menu to glance over it.
Before I could speak, the waiter came and she ordered for the both of us.
I didn't know what to get, so I told her to get me whichever she thought I'd like.
When the waiter left, I turned back to her.
"I...I don't think it'd be fair to message him.
" I admit, picking the cotton tablecloth.
"What do you mean?"
"He wouldn't want to talk to me right now, and I don't want to rush him either.
" As I said this, she gave me a sad smile.
"Look who's becoming mature already." I huffed, rolling my eyes.
"Kaji, I'm serious!" I pouted, what was I expecting her to say anyway?
I had to think for myself, I couldn't always rely on her to give me a pep talk.
"Just do what you think is right." She settled on, taking her phone out again. Ha...do what I think is right? My poor sense of judgement was what got me into this mess in the first place. Nodding anyway, I pushed myself off the table, resting my back on the chair.
"Oh yeah, I forgot to ask, what's your cousin's name?"
Kaji looked ahead of me, grinning. "She's here, turn around." Intrigued, I got up and turned around. My eyes widened in shock, no way. "Meet my cousin, Binta."
I gasped, not believing my eyes. It really was Binta!
I remembered her features from anywhere!
Her hair was longer than I recalled, she'd now curled it up.
Her pouty lips were outlined with a dark colour and red gloss.
Binta made her way to us, her eyes still searching for who I assumed was Kaji.
Not being able to contain my excitement, I squealed, running towards her.
"Oh, my word! Binta!" I jumped into her arms like she'd just proposed.
Binta stumbled back, catching me instantly.
"Oh my goodness! Why the heck--Sunshine?
" She stumbled on her words, her eyes mirroring mine as it widened.
She grinned, hugging me back. "It's you!
It's really you!" I squealed, feeling giddy at the fact that Binta was really here.
Binta and Kaji were related?!
What were the odds? Our hug was interrupted by someone's voice. "Wait, you two know each other?" Kaji sounded shocked, standing beside us with her arms crossed. "I didn't know this was the friend you kept mentioning!" Binta mused, looking as stunning as I remembered.
"Well, that's because you never listen to me.
" Kaji scoffed, rolling her eyes. The three of us made our way back to our table.
We had picked out a table with three chairs so Binta took the last one, plopping down and crossing her legs.
"I always listen, you just never told me her name. " Binta sassed, wagging her fingers.
Seeing her again made me feel genuinely happy.
How long had it been? We'd stopped talking through text a few weeks after I'd moved, mostly because we were both preoccupied.
As if she knew I had my gaze on her, she turned to me, winking.
"Can't believe it, huh Sunshine." She teased, poking my arms. I laughed, nodding.
"I wouldn't have guessed the two of you even knew each other," I explained, cocking my head to her and Binta. Now that the both of them sat side by side, I did see a bit of resemblance, just a tiny bit. Like the way their eyebrows raised simultaneously.
"Small world." They both said in unison. I giggled at this, seeing how they glared at each other after that.
"I've missed you though, how's culinary school?
Treating ya right?" Binta asked, resting her head on her palm.
I nod, "It's amazing, everything I thought it'd be.
" I really did love the time I spent learning new techniques and recipes.
I continued to tell her about how I met Kaji and how much she'd helped me with.
It was nice talking with both of them. Perhaps that was another similarity, I found it relaxing to talk to the pair.
The waiter soon brought our orders and we dived in.
As I ate, I took out my phone again. Would it be so bad to send just one text?
I nibbled on my lips, placing with a piece of my cake.
Or would a voice note be better? Gosh, this was so hard.
I couldn't decide on what to do. Holding my breath, I opened Evie's contact, quickly typing in a message before I'd talk myself out of it.
Reading over it, I wondered if it'd be a good way to start a conversation.
Stuffing my face with cake, I hit the send button, shoving my phone back into my bag. I just wanted him to know I was making an attempt to be better. Just like he was doing, hopefully, he'd read the message and hate me a little less. I couldn't ask for his forgiveness, not yet.