|76| • Amelia
The loud crack of thunder jolted me from the bed, and chills like electricity through my body.
Blinking in confusion, I realized it was still the night.
The lightning flashed like an army of paparazzi but dimmed the next second.
I huffed, turning to my back and looking at the ceiling.
Just when I was starting to fall asleep, rain started to fall, heavily might I add.
I'd never been a fan of thunder and lightning, it made my nerves shoot through the roof.
The sudden sound was always so defeating and the wind blew harshly as though a hurricane was coming.
Covering my eyes, I groaned. Sleeping had not been coming easy these days, I barely slept because my mind ran races with its thoughts at night, and when I did manage to sleep, out came the repeated, taunting dreams.
"Good Lord," I mumbled, staying still, hoping it'd deceive my mind to shut down.
I could get over the text I'd sent to Everest. What would he think of it?
Would he think I was just saying that to make myself look all the more apologetic?
I sighed, was telling him I started therapy really the first thing to say?
I knew an apology wouldn't do any good. I wanted to be honest with myself, I wanted to say more than 'I'm sorry,' I knew for a fact that my actions would speak louder than my words ever would.
Boom!
I gasped, jumping at the explosion-like sound.
My window vibrates at the impact. I was now quivering.
It was freezing cold even with my windows shut and an oversized hoodie on.
Another thunder fell from the sky, making me close both of my ears and shut my eyes tightly.
I couldn't imagine having to experience an actual bomb if something like this made me so afraid.
My thoughts trailed back to Everest.
He was in the army. Did that mean he experienced things like this more than once?
Goodness, my heart ached for him. And once again, I found myself thinking of the man whom I wished was here.
Sighing in defeat, I got up. "Since I don't feel like sleeping anymore," I mumbled, dragging myself out of my room.
The apartment was dark, from the terrace I could see how millions of droplets came from the sky, the clouds dark and gloomy.
The frequent lightning which flashes from the sky made switching on the light useless.
After fetching a glass of water, I shrank in, expecting a loud grumble from outside which did happen.
Gasping, I jumped, closing my eyes once more.
It didn't feel better than I expected it, the sound still made my entire body jump to life.
With shaky hands, I gulped down the water, rinsing the glass once I was done and dropping it back in the cupboard.
Blinking, my eyes had begun to get used to the darkness.
I looked towards Everest's room, a half smile crossed my lips.
My legs had a mind of its own in this case, slowly strolling until we reached his door.
The last I saw was him packing his things and leaving.
With a heavy heart, I placed my head on the door frame, taking in steady breaths.
He didn't deserve any of this. He didn't deserve what I'd done to him, none of it.
I was done thinking of the ifs which would have happened or the 'I wish', there was no use in thinking that way.
I just had to find a way to be better. Be better to myself, and be able to show him how much I respected and loved him.
A sad sight came from my lips. Respect him?
He didn't even feel respected, he made it quite clear that day.
I didn't know when my hands cupped the door handle, twisting it. I stumbled into his room, feeling like an intruder. His room was quiet, it still had traces of his scent, his duvet scattered across his bed, pillow lopsided. I didn't even have the mind to clean his room, too scared to go in.
Turning to the wall, I rolled one of the switches, letting a dimmer light shine through his room. It was better than squinting at the normal light. I could see better now, I could see the state of his room.
Nervously, I made my way to his bed. Touching the duvet felt relaxing, as it always did.
My heart whined at the thought of us cuddling closely in his duvet, the thought of him telling me stories about the happy times in his childhood while placing sweet kisses all over me.
I always felt like I was in paradise like it was too good to be true.
This cruel world was soon throwing a curveball at us, it twisted my guts to know I was that curveball.
There's a line between na?veté and stupidity, Amelia.
Everest's words made sure to stick and constantly taunt me, at first I wondered, I hoped I'd drop this naive side of me, but now, now I understood it was his way of telling me what I'd done was plain stupid.
I couldn't blame the alcohol, of course not.
I couldn't also blame Raul, as much as I wanted to push everything on him, the blame still fell on me.
"Oh..." I mumbled to myself, feeling a tear wet my cheeks. When did I get on my knees, hugging the duvet? Clearing my throat, I stood back up, drawing out his duvet before arranging his bed.
When I was done, I was almost panting. Who knew putting his duvet back would be such a hassle?
Smoothing the crease of the duvet, I walked into his bathroom, picking up the duster and packer.
Now consumed in my own world, I had forgotten all about the rain, sweeping the room, and his carpet, making sure all the pieces of furniture was in its correct position.
After dropping back the duster, I moved to his vanity table, he didn't have much on it, just some essentials and a calendar.
Smiling to myself, I did the little arrangement that was needed, picking up the calendar.
Almost a week had passed since he'd left.
My eyes caught a pen marking on the calendar, circled for this Saturday.
On it, he wrote 'pick up delivery' my eyebrows creased, what delivery? Weren't deliveries meant to be brought?
Shrugging, I dropped it back, I wasn't meant to be prying anyways.
Now that his room was looking better, I should've gone back to my room and tried sleeping, but my legs wouldn't move.
I didn't want to leave his room so soon, it kind of felt like he was still here.
Perhaps it was because of his belongings.
It didn't feel as lonely as the other parts of this house.
Walking to his bed, I peeled open the duvet, snuggling inside it.
This felt nice.
Turning to the side, I looked at his bedside table.
There was still that pen I'd neatly placed beside the lamp which was turned off.
A thought came to mind, something Dr. Jones had said.
Writing could help me express the things my mouth couldn't. I picked up the pen before I knew it, staring at the making of the pen.
I wanted to write all the things which swarmed my chest, all the feelings which came to mind when I thought of Everest. How much I wanted to be better, to be a good woman to him.
Biting my lip, I shoved my head into the pillow, sighing.
A few minutes had surely passed before I looked up once more, this time, I muttered a quick apology for the intrusion before opening his drawer and searching for what to write on.
Thankfully, I remembered Evie always stacked pieces of unused papers in the last drawer, he said he needed to write down some things from time to time, and having no paper wouldn't do.
He forgot he ever wrote it if it was on his phone.
I chuckled at the memory, he really was an old man in some ways.
Taking the paper on top, I took a notebook to place the thin paper on, closing the drawers back. I could see from the lighting, that the rain was simmering down but it still splashed harshly on the windows, there was a bit of peace.
Tapping the pen on the paper, I thought.
"Just write," I told myself, knowing how hesitant it was to write on a piece of paper, to write my feelings into a piece of paper. Taking in a shaky breath, I began to scribble down.
"Dear Evie...no wait, I mean Everest,
Sorry, I know you said I shouldn't call you that anymore, can I.
..can I know why? Did you hate the name in the first stance or did I simply lose the right to when I.
..you know, when I cheated?
If there was one thing I'd keep saying for years to you is 'I'm sorry, and I love you so much.
' But I know the word sorry would be sour in your ears by now.
But I am dearly sorry, I'm sorry for being stupid, sense, all the words in the dictionary that capture a silly girl doing idiot things.
Perhaps I took the fact that you were with me so lightly.
I couldn't ever imagine someone as great a man as you.
..falling for me. Me! Who am I anyway? Just a naive kid with abandonment issues.
Ah...yeah, about that. I'm going to therapy now, I already messaged you that but I doubt you'd want to read anything from me.
I wouldn't even if I were in your shoes.
Everest, I miss you. You left and I will never blame you for it, you did what you thought was the better scenario, but could I please say I'm sorry again?
I miss you so much Everest, I miss the way you let me be my weird self, the way you took whatever I said seriously, the way you said my name, the way you spoke about your family, the way you opened up to me.
I'm sorry I made you feel as though you couldn't talk to me about the therapy you were going to.
I only understand a little about how vulnerable it feels going for therapy, but you are a strong man, Everest..
.you knew you had something going on and you went ahead to change it through therapy.
I wish it didn't have to come to this, I wish I would have snapped out of it sooner.
I wish for a million things but pray for one.
That I don't lose you because of this. I deserve to lose you, I know that, but I can't...I refuse to.
I know this may be obnoxious of me, but Everest I love you so much, I don't want to lose you.
Not to this, not to anything. So please, please take care of yourself wherever you are, please, even for a second, humour the thought of coming back, the thought of us going past this.
I promise I'll be better, I'll respect your words, I'll put you before anyone, I'd...I don't know what else to promise, but please.
..please...
Please forgive me.
Yours...can I still call myself that?
Amelia."
Sighing, I put the note back into the drawer, hugging his pillow and wishing for everything I knew that was out of reach. Closing my eyes, I let myself succumb to the tiredness and fall into a deep sleep.