Chapter Twenty-Six #2
His eyes search mine, no doubt looking for permission.
My eyes well with tears, hoping he sees I need this as much as he does.
Then, without words, he grabs my chin, pulling me to him in a bruising kiss before pulling back and staring at me.
“Keep your eyes on me, Dee. I meant it,” Colt orders, and I dip my chin in silent agreement.
Colt slides his hand from my chin to my throat, where he holds firmly. It’s not enough that I can’t breathe, but it’s enough to keep me in place. His other hand still holds my wrist above my head as he thrusts sharply.
Our world was shattered today. Like the proverbial rug was yanked out from under us. I need this side of Colt to remind me I’m his, and that’s all that matters. I want to drown in him. Without Colt, I don’t know how I could get through this.
“More,” I rasp out, my eyes locked with his.
With a deep growl, he pulls me to him, squeezing my throat a little more, pressing his lips against mine.
I open for him, and his tongue tangles with mine in a frenzy.
He continues to slam up into me, harder and faster.
Even if I could take a full breath, his movements would quickly steal the air from my lungs.
My eyes start to close on their own, my head dizzy and free from all thought.
But my bliss is cut off when Colt pulls his lips away, resting his forehead to mine.
Then he loosens his hold on my throat and stills.
“Eyes. On. Me,” he demands, panting for breath.
My eyes snap open, connecting with his, as he pulls back, watching me.
“Hold on, Mrs. Slade.” Colt lets go of my wrist, and I grab his shoulders, my nails digging in.
Then Colt truly lets go, using one hand to rub my clit and the other to grip my throat.
He clutches me to him, our foreheads pressed together as he owns my body.
Just as I’m starting to get dizzy from the lack of air, he loosens his fingers, allowing me to take in just enough so I don’t pass out.
It’s intoxicating, a feeling I could become addicted to with him.
I clench around him, squeezing him as my climax hits with such force that if he didn’t have a hold on me, my head would fall back, hitting the wall.
He pounds into me in a studdered rhythm, chasing his release.
Then, shifting his hold on me, he grips my ass, pushing me into the wall with each thrust. I lazily lay my head back, then thread my fingers through his hair and pull, forcing him to look up at me.
“I fucking love you, Colter Slade,” I profess while tightening around his shaft, milking him for all he has.
As he lets go, each jolt of his release hits my G-spot, and I come undone, following him over the edge.
“Fuuuck,” he yells, his shoulders shaking as he lowers me from the wall, setting me on my feet.
Exhaustion hits, and I’m physically and emotionally drained.
The tears freefall as it all sets in.
Colt stumbles on the spot, then falls to his knees with his face buried in his hands. The sight breaks me, and I slide to the floor, pulling him to me. He brings his head up into my chest and sobs uncontrollably.
He’s broken.
I watch my husband, my rock, fall apart, and I can’t stand it, but I hold him tightly like my life depends on it.
“I love you. I fucking love you, Dee.”
I run my hands through his hair, trying to placate him. “I love you too. Shh, it’s okay. We will get through this,” I say through my own tears and kiss his head as he continues to sob.
We sit in a pile of broken dreams, our hearts in pieces, comforting each other for close to an hour before we have no more tears to shed.
He’s hurting.
We’re hurting.
Where do we go from here?
We will never have children.
Correction, I will never have children.
Colt is still perfectly capable of having his own kids. They just can’t be with me, and I don’t know how I feel about that.
He is obviously falling apart, like his whole world is ending.
Maybe I need to be the one to let him search for the life that he so desperately desires.
A fresh river of tears falls down my cheeks, and even though I know the right thing to do is to let him go, the thought of being without him causes panic to set in.
Yes, I’m selfish.
I need him with me.
“Goddammit! I didn’t mean to fall apart like that.
I’m struggling, you know?” He looks up at me finally, and I see that look in his eyes.
The one that gets him into trouble. It snaps me out of any self-induced spiral I might be going through right now.
This time, I need to be strong. This time, it’s on me.
“Colt, you do not need to use. Do you hear me?” I yell at him, and he nods, running his hand along my tear-stained cheek.
“Don’t worry, I would never do that to you, baby.
I know I’m a mess right now, but our life means too much for me to throw it away because I’m hurting.
I’m just sorry this happened to us, to you.
If it weren’t for me, then you wouldn’t have been pushed onto the street in the first place.
The van would have never hit you, and you would never have had a hysterectomy.
This is all my fault, Dee. I did this,” he says, trying to take the blame.
I take his head in my hands, forcing him to look at me.
“Colter Slade, you stop that right now! Don’t you dare sprout about ‘what ifs.’ They can’t change the fact that we’re here in this situation together.
Colt, the only way to have stopped this from happening would have been for us to have never met, and I don’t know about you, but for me, that’s an option and a life I never want to think about.
Because a life with you in it, whether we have children or not, is a life I’d choose every.
Single. Fucking time, Colt. I love the fuck out of you, and I swear to God, if you keep blaming yourself for this, then I’m going to junk punch you,” I say in all seriousness, and Colt looks at me and half-smiles.
“In my junk?” he asks, and I nod, smiling at him.
“Yup, right up in there,” I elaborate, and he chuckles, wiping some hair from my face.
“We will get through this together, and there are always other options we can look into. Let’s have some time for us, just be together before we start looking into any other options, yeah?” Colt asks, and I nod in agreement.
We need time to heal.
Time to fix the hole that the surrogacy has left in our hearts.
But we will get through this.
We’ve been through so much already in our lives together.
We can’t back out now.