Chapter Nineteen
Every warm feeling had vanished as Cassie drove to the airport, numbed by the revelation about her and Raf, and what it meant for her family.
He had tried again to speak with her, and she’d listened dully to his second voicemail, his assurance that Vanessa, as Jonny’s partner and the band’s publicist, was on it.
But Cassie knew how these things worked; she had too many years of experience.
There was only one thing she wanted to do – deny, for all she was worth.
To convince her children that the photographs had somehow lied and she hadn’t been trying to exclude them from an attempt to make a life with Raf in place of their father.
Nausea was still churning in her stomach when Isla, Rory and Jas appeared in Arrivals, and she pasted on a bright smile that faltered the moment Rory’s chilled gaze met hers.
She’d been desperate to speak with them before they found out, and it was clear that impossible hope had gone, and she hurried towards them.
Like almost every other teenager, her own were permanently online, and even if they hadn’t seen the images for themselves, someone else, friend or foe, would likely have alerted them.
Their mum and Rory’s adored godfather, holding one another like lovers and kissing in the street as though they didn’t have a care in the world.
Photographs did that, she’d found. Froze a single frame and created an entire story around it.
There was a beginning and a middle to hers with Raf, but now she had no idea what the end might be.
‘You all look wonderful!’ Cassie rushed forward anyway, feasting on the sight of her children and Jas safely returned, their suntanned skin and the healthy glow they carried.
Isla submitted to a brief hug before she wriggled away, staring at her phone.
When she held out her arms to Rory, he walked straight past her.
Her beautiful boy, whom she’d nurtured and loved and held through every triumph and tragedy, loathed her now, and her vision was suddenly hazy with tears.
‘I’m so sorry, Rory,’ she whispered to his back as people pushed by. ‘I never meant to hurt either of you.’ And so it had begun. She had no idea how she could put right her mistake.
Jas embraced her, telling Cassie gently not to worry too much, that he would come round.
Cassie nodded. Jas hugged Isla and Rory goodbye, and it pierced Cassie’s heart to watch Rory hold the young woman, the embrace he refused to allow her.
Jas was getting the train back to London, and she disappeared into a sea of people, just one more traveller heading home.
They trooped back to the car without a word.
On the drive home Cassie asked about their holiday, the fun and adventures they’d had.
Only Isla shared some details; Rory was plugged into ear buds and ignored every word.
They desperately needed to talk, but she wasn’t about to attempt it in the car when she had to concentrate on traffic and couldn’t clearly read their body language.
At the house he was even more disappointed to realise that Flynn wasn’t home as Pippa was due to return him this evening.
He and Isla went straight to the fridge once they’d dumped their bags, and Cassie asked them to sit down.
‘Isla, Rory, we need to talk. Please.’
‘Do we, though?’ It wasn’t like Rory to be so scathing, and her heart ached for him.
‘Please, Rory. It’s important. Could you take your ear buds out, please?’
He scowled when Isla nudged him, and the chair scraped across the stone-flagged floor when he dragged it from the table.
He perched on the edge as though he might flee at any moment, still staring at his phone.
Isla sat next to him with Cassie opposite; she wanted to be able to see their faces.
She’d gone over and over what she might say in this moment, but none of those words had stuck.
‘I’m so sorry about what you must have seen, about me and Raf. But I promise, it’s not what you think.’
‘You don’t actually know what I’m thinking, Mum. And it doesn’t matter what you say.’ The ice in Rory’s gaze was unfamiliar, and she was chilled by it. ‘Now everyone knows you betrayed Dad with his best friend, even if you say it isn’t true.’
‘Rory, those pictures… They’re not the whole truth, I swear.’ But weren’t they, though? It was her greatest fear about Raf, that she’d never reconcile her feelings for her husband’s friend and allow herself to live them. She’d been calling it betrayal herself for months.
‘Your dad and I loved each other, and I’ll always love him.’ Her words caught on a sob. ‘Nobody can ever change that.’
‘Forget it. There’s nothing you could say to make this better.’ Rory shoved his chair back and leapt up, snatching his phone.
She stared after him, his feet clattering along the passageway. She covered her face with her hands as Isla stood up too, braced for another angry exit. But tears began to fall when she felt her daughter’s arms go around her shoulders.
‘I’m so sorry, Isla.’ Cassie hiccupped. ‘I didn’t plan any of this. I wasn’t expecting it.’ She raised her head, swiping at the blotches staining her cheeks. ‘And I swear, the very last thing on my mind was to ever hurt you or Rory. You’re my heart, both of you.’
‘It’s okay, Mum. I get it.’
‘Is it okay, though? What if Rory always hates me after this?’ Rationally she didn’t imagine he would, but right now that time felt a very long way off.
‘He’ll come around, don’t worry,’ Isla said calmly. ‘It was pretty obvious to me and Harriet how you and Raf feel. You’re always so awkward around each other, and Harriet said she’s never known him not have a girlfriend this long.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Yeah.’ Isla shrugged with all the insouciance of any fifteen-year-old unconcerned about a parent’s love life. ‘But Rory didn’t see it coming and he’s put Raf on the same pedestal as Dad. In his eyes they can pretty much do no wrong.’
‘And so I’m the bad guy,’ Cassie said faintly. ‘He’s right about that. I’m the one who’s married.’
‘Was married,’ Isla corrected her kindly. ‘I’m sorry, Mum, I know that’s a horrible thing to say.’
‘But it’s true,’ she replied sadly. ‘Even though it’s taken me a long time to get used to it.’
‘You just fell in love again, that’s all. You’re not a bad guy, and we still love you.’
Cassie gaped as Isla let her go. She’d barely even allowed herself to think such a thing, much less have it pointed out by her own teenage daughter. But it was there, wedged now between her and her son, no matter how much she wanted to pretend otherwise.
‘There wasn’t anything between us before Australia, Isla, I promise.
Only one unexpected kiss when we were away that I’ve been trying to forget ever since.
’ She took a deep breath. ‘But whatever I feel, I can’t share my life with anyone who doesn’t fit, or Rory can’t accept.
You and Rory come first, always, and I never wanted you to find out this way. I’ve let everyone down.’
‘Mum, seriously, stop talking crap! Yeah, we would’ve preferred to hear it from you, but it doesn’t matter what anyone else outside the family thinks.
You deserve to be happy, both of you.’ Isla grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and went to the door.
‘And anyway, if we could choose our own stepdad, Raf would be the only one we’d want.
Rory just needs to get his head around it and then he’ll be fine. ’
‘Sweetheart, I think it’s too late for that.
And we probably all need to get used to seeing less of Raf.
’ Cassie looked around the kitchen she’d come to think of as home, reminded too of the village and the community she’d fallen in love with.
And Flynn, he would be home soon, and she would have to leave him here as well.
But this was a dream, a summer interlude, and they had to go back.
And now, with weeks of the holiday still to come, they’d have to return early because she couldn’t stay here in Raf’s house, not after this.
They’d have to cut short their summer, something else Rory would hate her for.
‘Why?’ Isla flashed her a grin. ‘Harriet told me what you said to Pippa last year, about grabbing love with both hands when it comes around. Why should you be any different? We already love Raf like family.’
Then she was gone, taking her optimism and her sense with her, leaving Cassie feeling more confused than ever. But her children’s happiness and security were the lifelines she needed to cling to, and their feelings came first. Always.
She still hadn’t spoken to Raf; there didn’t seem to be anything to say.
She was the one at fault, the one with children, and he’d done nothing other than be wonderful to her when she didn’t deserve it.
She ignored the new messages from Fiona; there was no one she wanted to talk to, no one who could truly understand what she’d done.
Majorca seemed like a dream already, the hours afterwards turning into a nightmare.
Pippa had called three times, and Cassie was dreading having to speak with her eventually.
The end of whatever it was she had shared with Raf was going to alter their own friendship, one which had endured more than thirty years. Perhaps it couldn’t survive this.
Later she was curled on the sofa in the television room, staring blankly at the screen and wondering when might be the right time to put pizza in the oven and call Rory down for supper, when Flynn ambled in.
He spotted her and trotted straight over, resting his huge head on her lap as his tail wagged madly.
His cheery welcome and quiet care were her undoing, and when Pippa followed a moment later, Cassie was sobbing as she clutched him, tears soaking his shaggy grey coat.
‘Cassie! Oh sweetheart, come here.’ Pippa clambered onto the sofa too and folded Cassie into her arms. ‘Hush, it’s okay. Please don’t cry.’