Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
TAI
I’m quiet for most of the flight and drive to Hawke’s place. Part of it is that the anxiousness of leaving Dad won’t shift, even though he was thrilled I was going, and the other part of it is that watching Hawke and Kasen together is so damn interesting.
They sit next to each other on the flight, mining for some kind of connection and stealing looks at each other when the other one isn’t looking.
It’s cute and frustrating how they are together.
It’s obvious from the outside how much they both want this to work, but they’re scared, and I get it, even if sometimes I wish I could smoosh them together and tell them to get over it.
I’ve interfered enough.
“So what do you want to do first?” Hawke asks from the front seat of our ride. “We have all afternoon after we drop off our stuff.”
I wait to see if Kasen answers, and when he doesn’t, I point out the obvious. “I have absolutely no clue what there is to do in St. Louis.”
“Good point.” He turns back to face the front as we pull into a very fancy neighborhood. “I didn’t know anything about the city until I was drafted here. We’ll figure it out.”
I’m too distracted to care, though, because we pass one enormous house after another, and shock sets in.
I know Hawke has money. I know he likely has a nice place.
But we’re driving by actual mansions, and when the car slows and turns into the long drive of an enormous brick house, it finally hits me exactly how different our lives are.
Hawke tips the driver and climbs out, but Kasen and I stay put. As soon as he’s out of earshot, Kasen tilts his head my way. “I didn’t think we were staying in a hotel.”
“I’m pretty sure … this is Hawke’s house.”
“That’s not a house.” His eyes are as wide as mine are. “It’s a damn castle.”
A castle might be pushing things, but it is enormous.
Hawke opens the car door, our luggage already slung over his shoulders. “Coming?”
Kasen climbs out while I thank the driver and do the same. The car leaves, and then it’s the three of us hovering there, Kasen and I still in shock, while Hawke has absolutely no clue what’s going on.
“You know what,” Kasen finally says. “I think I know what I’m spending the afternoon doing.”
“What’s that?”
“Embarking on an expedition.”
I bite back my laugh while Hawke shoots a confused look my way.
“Ah … what?”
Kasen gestures at the house. “I think I have a real shot at finding Excalibur.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“It means your house is fucking ridiculous. You really live here? Alone?”
“I’m only alone in the offseason. Lachie has a wing to himself, but we hang out pretty often.”
“Only a wing, huh?” Kasen takes his bag from Hawke. “What’s wrong? Your palace closed for renovations?”
This time, the laugh sneaks out.
Hawke flicks a bewildered look between us. “I mean, it’s … kinda big. I guess. Some of the other guys’ places are way bigger than this.”
“You’re speaking to two people who live in a shoe box. I think you’ll survive.”
I’d dispute it since our three-bedroom houses are completely normal-sized, but in comparison, Kasen is right.
“Give us the tour,” I say before Hawke can look any more uncomfortable.
“Ah, okay. Let’s throw these in the foyer and get started.”
The foyer is not at all like the one I have.
In fact, it’s almost the size of my house.
Marble floor, huge staircase, and a ceiling I have to stretch my neck back to see.
The rest of the house is more of the same.
Huge industrial kitchen, a cinema, a basketball court right next to the in-ground pool.
He has an enormous gym, which is the one part I could have guessed, and I count all seven bedrooms that we pass.
Kasen walks into one at the opposite end of the hall to Hawke’s. “Can I claim this one?”
Hawke’s head snaps to him. “What do you mean?”
Kasen gives him a once-over, and I recognize the way his face goes blank when he’s putting himself out there. “For my bedroom.”
“Your bedroom?” Hawke echoes, and I want to slap him.
Kasen shrugs. “Unless you want me to sleep in a box instead.”
“No, no, this room’s good.” Hawke follows him in there. “We can change anything you like. New mattress, curtains, uh … like, whatever you want.”
Kasen’s got his back to Hawke, but from the doorway, I watch him fight a smile before he turns back around. “I’m here for two nights. Calm down.”
“Yeah, I know. I just want you to be comfortable. Obviously.”
“Obviously.”
“Why this room?” I ask, trying to give Hawke time for his brain to catch up. The room isn’t the biggest, and one of the other ones has a view of the pool.
“Easy. It’s the furthest from his.” Kasen points his thumb at Hawke. “I don’t need to hear you guys fucking.”
This time, it’s my brain that goes offline. “Uh, we … we won’t … we’re not …”
For some reason, my stammering makes Kasen laugh. “Relax, Coach. I don’t care that you guys have a thing. I’m fourteen, not four. I know what sex is.” He tosses his bag on the bed. “But my impressionable ears don’t need to be hearing that.”
Hawke sighs, and it’s like the anxiousness seeps out of him. “Keep making things awkward and I will find a box for you to sleep in.”
“Excellent parenting. Ten out of ten.”
“If anyone asks, I’m still learning.” Hawke stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Do you have something to wear tomorrow night?”
Kasen nods. “Went to a cousin’s wedding with Mom last year.”
Hawke looks doubtfully at the bag. “Might want to get it out so it doesn’t wrinkle.”
“Also, have you tried it on since then?” I ask. A year is a long time, and I’ve seen for myself how those kids have grown like they’re being stretched out.
“No. Should I?”
“Depends,” I reply. “Do you want to meet professional hockey players in a too-small suit?”
“That would be a no.”
Hawke backs toward the door. “You’ll be okay to find your way downstairs?”
“Of course.” Kasen holds up his phone. “This thing has a compass.”
Hawke huffs but doesn’t reply, just steps into the hall and closes the door behind us. “Little smart-ass.”
“Yeah …” I follow him, and it’s not lost on me how relaxed Hawke looks in his own place. “I wonder where he gets that from?”
“Carly. He sounds exactly like Carly. Even he said so.”
“He’s definitely smart like her, but I don’t remember her ever being an ass. That was all you.”
He laughs and shoves me. “It wouldn’t kill you to occasionally support my delusions.”
“Judging by your house, I think you’re okay for support.”
He hums, tilting his head to the side. “Quick question: did my son just give us permission to fuck? That’s … weird, right? I know I’m not experienced at the parenting thing, but even I know that’s weird.”
“It is, but I think he was trying to let us both know he’s okay with something going on between us. How did he even know?”
“Beats me. When he found out I’m bi, he made the assumption, and I said it wasn’t his business.”
“Huh. So you told him.”
“I didn’t—” He cuts off as he thinks his words over. “Okay, I think I did.”
We reach the downstairs living room with the arched windows that stretch three stories and overlook the pool.
This place is mind-blowing to me, and it’s not even about the size, just that it feels …
good. Everything has a place. Everything is neat and tidy.
Calm. Like it’s reaching out and settling my constantly vibrating cells.
“I like it here.”
“You do?” he asks like he’s latching onto my words.
“Yeah. Obviously, it’s amazing and big and expensive and whatever, but …”
“But?”
“It makes me want to breathe. And be still. Like, that couch over there is calling for me to lie down and … do nothing. I can’t remember the last time I felt like that.”
“Then do it. We can have a swim in the pool. Maybe watch a movie later. We don’t have to go anywhere.”
“Actually, we do,” comes Kasen’s voice from the door. He steps forward, showing off his suit that barely fits over his shoulders and is about two inches too short. “I swear I thought this fit me. If we don’t have time to get another one, I can stay home tomorrow. It’s okay.”
“You’re not staying home,” Hawke says like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. “I know a place. We can go buy something now, and they’ll have it tailored by tomorrow.”
“Tailored?”
“If I’m buying you a suit, it’s going to be a good one.”
“You don’t have to buy—”
“Yeah, I do. But also, I want to. Now, go and get out of that. It’s physically hurting me to look at you.”
Kasen huffs before leaving, and Hawke sends an apologetic look my way.
“Rain check on the swim?”
“For you, maybe. You can both go shopping. I plan on staying right here.”
“You sure?”
I really am. Despite knowing I would have been a shithead about Kasen if Hawke had found out back when he was born, I’m better than that now.
I might sometimes get swept up in being around him and only him, but any time those two can spend together also makes me happy.
Because Hawke being happy feels like the whole purpose of life.
He’s such a guarded sweetheart who deserves everything, and maybe I can’t give him that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want it for him.
I’m so glad I get to be back in his life, but this house is a reminder that it’s only temporary. A quick glimpse at who my best friend has become before we part ways again.
He leaves with Kasen, and I soak up how relaxed the house makes me feel, knowing it can’t last, no matter how much I want it to.
Because this is Hawke’s life, and I don’t think it’s ever been clearer to me than it is right now that I’m going to lose him.
Soon.
And I’m not actually sure I’ll survive it again.