Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
JENSEN
Ialmost don’t want to go to the wedding. Yeah, I’m a great teammate, whatever, but the day and a half at home with Kasen and Barrett fills me with something I didn’t know I was missing. Having Lachie live with me is great, but it’s not a long-term thing, and then what happens when he moves out?
I like having people around.
Turns out, I like it even more when those people happen to be two of my favorites.
It’s not surprising that it feels so good with Barrett here, but it is surprising how much I like having Kasen in my space.
Something about being away from Watesburg has loosened him up, and while our usual antagonism is there, it’s punctuated by moments of real conversation.
I hate to say it, but Kasen is way cooler than I ever was at his age.
While Barrett and I were sneaking out of our houses and clinging to each other like lifelines, Kasen collects people.
He has a large group of friends who all seem to keep each other on their toes, and his ego is maybe one-tenth the size of mine when I was his age.
He’s so young, and he’s been through so much, and every time we spend together makes me more and more protective of him. I wish I could go back in time and do something to save Carly so that he’d never have to face that kind of hurt again.
“You ready?” I ask, finding him in the bathroom.
He doesn’t answer, just glares at his reflection and where he’s trying to get his hair to sit right.
The same fight I’ve had a million times.
“Need help?”
“No. My hair always does this. Curls are fucked.”
I snort because where the hell does he think he got them from? Without a word, I move close, pick up the gel, and rub it between my hands. Then, reaching out slowly to give him time to duck away if he wants, I touch his head.
“The trick is to work with them,” I tell him, messing up whatever the hell he was trying to achieve and getting to work on something that I know from experience looks good. I got tired of the locker room bullshit every time photos of me were posted looking like I’d been electrocuted.
My hair is longer, so I can do the sweep-over thing easier than with his, but by the time I’ve finished, I’m damn happy with how it’s turned out.
“There.” I move my hands away, looking from his hair to the reflection. “That’s good, right?”
He screws up his nose and tugs at the curl hanging over his eyebrow.
“Do you hate it?” I fight the usual panic that comes with disappointing him.
“It’s fine.”
“I can try something else.”
He bats my hand away. “It’s fine. I …” He tugs the curl again. “I look like you.”
“Hate to tell you this, but it’s not because of the hair.”
He sighs and drops his hands, both of us watching each other in the mirror, and it really is bizarre to feel like I’m looking at a younger, slightly distorted reflection. “Should I get my nose pierced too?”
“Amelia would kill me.”
“What about my eyebrow?”
“Why don’t we get through one visit where I prove she can trust me before I send you home with body modifications.”
His grin widens until it’s almost a real smile. “So you’re saying a split tongue is a definite possibility.”
“Sure. If you never want to be allowed to see me again.”
Something in his eyes dims, but he shakes it off before I can ask. “Don’t we need to leave?”
“Barrett’s waiting downstairs.”
We head down, and just before we reach the foyer, Kasen asks, “So do I have to call him Coach while we’re here?”
It does seem weirdly formal while we’re hanging out. “Nah, Watesburg rules don’t apply in St. Louis.”
“Cool.” He raises his voice. “Yo, Barrett, I’ve got shotgun.”
My best friend turns to me as Kasen heads toward my garage. “Should I be worried by how fast he’s becoming like you?”
“Nope. Two Jensen Hawkes is exactly what this world needs.”
And I wonder how much more like me another day can make him.
Barrett almost cries during the ceremony, and Kasen and I haven’t shut up about it since. He doesn’t even know my friends, and while it’s all very sweet and romantic and whatever, I once saw Zemidov do the Macarena in his jockstrap, which has killed all past and future vibes when it comes to him.
He’s a good friend though, and he didn’t hesitate when I asked if I could have another plus-one at short notice. With half of our team spread out in all areas of the globe and not able to make it, he assured me that it was no issue to add one more.
Plus, he knows I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t important.
We go from the outside ceremony inside to the reception, and while photos are happening, I introduce Barrett and Kasen around.
It’s no surprise to me that Barrett fits in seamlessly. He’s always been one of those guys who can talk to anyone and who people genuinely like. With all the options he had, it’s still so weird to me that I’m the one who got to be his best friend.
What does surprise me, though, is how easily Kasen fits in with the team. He knows his hockey stats, and apparently, when it’s not me, he has no issues telling people what his goals are. I try not to let it get to me and enjoy that he’s having a good time.
My teammate Derk approaches me from the side and lowers his voice. “He really your son?”
“Yep.”
“Shit, Hawke. Why is this the first we’re hearing about him?”
“Because I’ve only known for a month or so.”
He exhales heavily and takes a sip of his drink. “And you’re sure it’s legit?”
“Look at him. You think it isn’t?”
“Yeah … it’s sort of freaky.”
“You’re telling me.” I turn so we’re face on. “The whole thing is a complicated mess at the moment though, so we’re keeping it on the down-low. Don’t spread it around.”
“Course not.”
“Thanks, man.”
With any other group, maybe I’d worry that the story would get out there, but our team are like brothers.
We’ve been through the trenches together.
As much as I don’t want Kasen to be a secret, I also know that it’s best for him right now if we don’t bring extra attention into his life.
Amelia and I still have a lot to work out, and until I completely win Kasen over, I don’t want anything to impact that.
The wedding is fucking awesome though. I keep checking in with Barrett and Kasen to make sure they’re having a good time. The food is awesome, the music is great, and when it’s time to dance, I don’t hesitate to steal Barrett away.
There are already a lot of couples on the dance floor, and I tug him close when we get there.
“Do I have to remind you that this isn’t a nightclub in Montreal?” he asks.
I laugh and settle my hands on his hips. “I can behave.”
“You haven’t managed to prove that yet.”
It’s not my fault that Barrett is hot as fuck and he’s given me permission to get naked with him whenever I want. “We could argue that it’s your fault. You knew what you were doing with that sex offer.”
“Yeah …” Some of the amusement slides from his face as his eyes study mine. “Glad I did it though.”
The confession lights up something in my chest. “Glad you did too. Like, really glad. It’s been amazing.”
“It has. Which is good. Because I’m ninety percent sure your team thinks I’m your secret boyfriend.”
“Boyfriend,” I choke out, fighting the way that word grips me. “Imagine.”
“Weird, right?”
I’m supposed to agree. It is weird. Because he’s my best friend, and then he wasn’t, and now he is again.
Only we’re also sleeping together, and when we do that, he doesn’t feel like a friend anymore.
My feelings go deeper than friendship, and I’ve gotten good at ignoring it, but then he went and said the word boyfriend, and now everything I’ve tried to ignore is flooding over me. “No.”
“Hawke?”
“It’s not weird.”
His hands tighten on my shoulders. “Are we still talking about the same thing?”
“I don’t think us being boyfriends would be weird at all.”
He stares at me for a long moment, where my lungs are struggling to work and I question if I even said all that out loud.
“Honestly … I think you’d be the best boyfriend I ever had.
” His lips tighten, and all I want is to push for him to say more.
To suggest that maybe we take this thing we can both feel growing and see what we can make of it, but we’re facing the exact same wall.
He lives in Watesburg.
I live here.
And he might have been able to get away for the weekend, but he can’t leave his dad longer than that.
For the first time since I’ve moved to St. Louis, my dream doesn’t feel so complete. I have hockey, I have the dream house and car, I travel and have a solid group of friends.
My life was complete.
But when I glance over at where Kasen is dancing with one of Zemidov’s nieces, it’s like I can feel my life fracturing.
How can it be complete without Barrett and Kasen in it?
“Tai—”
“Nope.” He strokes my cheek, and I lean into the touch. “We’re dancing. Then you’re going to kiss me. And when we get home after the wedding, and we’re in your room alone … I want you to … to make love to me. Okay?”
“You …”
Barrett leans forward, forehead resting on my shoulder. “Come on, Hawke. I’ve loved you since before I knew what love was.”
His words absolutely kill me. When I think back, all the way back, at our closeness and how it was always me and him, I can feel it there too.
If I was skating, I wanted him by my side.
If I was at a party, he was always the one I looked for.
If something good happened. Or bad happened.
Or anything happened, it was him I shared it with.
And if he’d never abandoned me, that wouldn’t have changed. Because how many people lose contact with their friend and feel like their chest has been carved open and exposed?
“It was never your damn nipple,” I say, and Barrett laughs wetly. When he glances up, his eyes are shiny for the second time today, only this time, I have no desire to tease him for it.
I run my thumb under his eye. “Why did you have to say anything?”
“Because it might be my last chance to get what I want.”
I don’t want to say it. Don’t want to let the words out because what’s the point? What can actually happen here? But when I lean forward, I can’t bring myself to kiss him. Not yet. Not when I might not want to say it, but I need to.
“I love you,” I whisper. “Don’t think I’ll ever stop.”
Barrett closes the distance between us, and as soon as his lips meet mine, I know, right down to my goddamn toes, that I’m fucked.
We’re right back where we were ten years ago. Obsessed.
Now I’m going to leave again.
And this time, we know he’s not coming with me.
Fear infects my gut as I think about this ending in silence and total confusion, knowing that I barely got through it the first time. Being doomed to face it a second time?
I can’t.
I won’t.
But I already know I don’t have a choice.