Chapter Four Finn #2
I tug my arm away. “No way. I’m her lawyer. I insist upon being present for her statement.”
“That goes against LFBI policy.”
“Then be a fucking FBI agent for once, or I swear to you, I’m breaking open the lock inside me.”
“You won’t. You can’t.” But he doesn’t look too certain.
I lean in, holding his gaze trapped with mine, letting out the tiniest thread of power, which is difficult since it bangs at the walls seeking full release. “You and I both know that the power I hold will draw Human attention. I’ll glow, Thorne. I’ll glow like the fucking sun.”
“You wouldn’t.” But he pales under his swarthy skin.
“My mate’s welfare is in jeopardy. How many Light Fae have gone Dark in such a situation? Really care to wager that I won’t?”
He opens his mouth to protest before snapping it shut. Finally, he nods. “It’s her decision to have you present or not. Her decision who she hires as her attorney. That’s a Human rule that you’ll have to abide by.”
“She’ll choose me. She’ll always choose me.”
He glances towards where Zoe is being held, and sighs before gesturing me into his car. “Fine. You win. But I’m putting this in my report.”
Smart decision not to get between me and the woman I wish to protect.
By the time we arrive, Zoe is crying again, not sobs like last night, but silent, hopeless tears. They cut me more than the louder sobs did.
Still, when she sees me, a smile bursts over her face. She jumps from her chair and runs into my arms. I crush her against me, the relief at having her safe so overwhelming, I lose my balance. If my thigh wasn’t lodged against the edge of the table, I would go down.
“They told me in the car that you’ve been working with the FBI to bring down Rookwood. Something about an illegal gun deal with terrorists.” She blinks up at me, her lovely eyes shining with unshed tears. But there’s hope there, too.
“It’s one of the things that I couldn’t tell you, and why I had to end our relationship so abruptly.
About a year ago, I was approached by the authorities and asked to go undercover by dating Seraphina Freeman.
They knew I’d already met her at a political dinner, and that she’d slipped me her number in a rather obvious fashion, even though I had no interest in her and was barely polite.
But the agencies were watching her, and when they discovered I had training as an operative, they asked me to pose as her boyfriend in order to get information. ”
“Which he refused to do until we told him you were involved,” Jimson Thorne continues, slipping into the chair next to some unknown agent across the table.
“We were pretty sure you were just a patsy, Miss Buckland, but Mr. Forest knew you’d be caught up in the mess, so he made a deal: he would find proof of illicit actions—er, in this case, arms dealings—and you would be transferred to another department, hopefully out of reach of the villains.
Tom Hardy has been an inside informant for years.
He agreed to move you to his department, but when Parks approached him yesterday, he had no choice but to play along. ”
“I knew something was wrong with Parks.” Zoe’s gaze searches mine again. “I’m not done with my statement yet, but can we talk later?”
“I’m not leaving you, Zoe. Not again. Retain me as your attorney.”
Not a breath passes before she nods. “Okay. You’re my lawyer.”
Her instant trust after everything I’ve done floors me, but it’s why I fell in love with her in the first place. That connection. That sense of knowing someone down to their bones no matter what life has served up to contradict faith. It’s something no one can fake.
Tears spring to my own eyes. Ruthlessly, I sniff them away as I sink beside her at the table.
Four hours later, we leave. I have to keep looking at her across the back seat of Jim’s large black SUV, like she’s a mirage that will disappear.
With the usual warnings about not leaving town just in case, Jim drops us at Zoe’s apartment.
I hold her hand as we make our way to the third floor, unwilling to let her go.
She must feel the same because she makes no move to pull away, even though it isn’t easy walking side by side up the narrow stairs.
Once I lock the door behind us, she sinks back onto the couch. Last night’s tissues and our mugs are gone. I follow her and drop to my knees before her. Taking both her hands in mine, I try to catch my breath and order my thoughts.
It’s not easy, when nothing I could possibly say is enough to weigh against what I’ve done.
Finally, I decide to begin with whatever words leave my mouth.
“I’ll answer any questions you have. I’ll do whatever you think best, but I have to tell you, Zoe, that I still love you.
I’ve always loved you, maybe since the first moment we met.
And I know I’ve made a mess of our lives.
One panicked mistake just led to another. ”
“Finn.” My name brushes the air softly, like a breeze.
“If I’d taken more time, considered where my agreement with the LFBI might lead, or trusted you with the information, no matter what they threatened...
but I didn’t, so here we are.” I take another deep breath.
“Whatever you want from me, Zoe, whatever you need, I’ll give it to you.
All I ask in return is that you allow me to try to make it up to you as best I can.
But if you can’t...” The words try to stick in my throat, but I force them out.
“If you can’t, then I’ll understand and let you go. ”
Her fingers disengage from mine to move along my jaw and smooths over my lips.
I press a kiss into her palm. For a few moments, she says nothing, only lets me cuddle her in the small way.
When she pulls back, I don’t try to hold her.
I’ve made enough decisions on her behalf.
I remain on my knees, waiting either for the executioner’s blow or reprieve.
“Did you sleep with her?” The quiet question barely stirs the air.
My entire body contracts because the truth is impossible. It paints me as the lowest scum on earth, but even so, I nod my chin. “I did.”
“Because it was your job, or because you wanted to?”
“Both.” I should leave it there, but if I do, I won’t be honest. And I owe Zoe honesty after the way I’ve treated her.
“The first time, yes, I wanted Seraphina. Physically. Mentally. Maybe even emotionally, as some kind of wall against the pain of our separation. Plus, it was what I had signed up to do.” A guttural chuckle leaves my throat.
Ah, the excuses I can give, and all of them true. None of them right.
Zoe nods and looks past my shoulder. I wait as she gathers her thoughts.
“Did you love her? Do you love her?” Her eyes flick back to mine.
“Never. From the moment I first met her, I knew I didn’t want to be in her company.
She’s sharp. Her words cut people into tiny slivers.
And she’s selfish, deeply so. It’s part of her Kind.
The entire world revolves around her. She never even considered, no matter how much I avoided her and handed her excuses like candy, that I wasn’t infatuated down to my bones.
” I shake my head and sigh. “I can’t regret not loving her. ”
“Then what do you regret?” Her hand comes to rest on my forearm. The pleasure from her touch nearly overwhelms me.
“I regret pretending to love her. Whatever my reasons, and I think they were good, I deceived her.” I pause.
“I think I’ll take that deceit to my grave, even knowing how she meant to ruin you.
” I pause again and weigh my next words, but I want to be honest. I need to be honest. “Seraphina is every man’s wet dream, but after the first time we were together, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and help matters along before I could fuck her. ”
“Did you do that with me?” she asks, springing straighter. Before I can answer, she holds up her hand. “No, don’t tell me. I don’t need to know.”
I reach for her hand and turn it so I can kiss her palm. “Never. If you want proof of just how turned on I am, sitting here, baring my soul, I can show you.”
She giggles. A rosy-pink blush spreads from her neck to her forehead.
But I don’t deserve her wave of color. Not yet.
“Seraphina is a snake, Zoe. She deserves to be executed for treason, and I can’t imagine how many people have died because of her actions, both in selling weapons to terrorists and...
other things.” I take a deep breath. First matters first. Revelation of the Fae, second.
I’ve already made a few errors in talking to Zoe these past few minutes.
I don’t think she’s picked up on them yet. But she will.
“But,” I continue, “she’s also a person.
She has feelings, and she trusted me. I used her.
I set her up.” I take another deep breath.
“She intended that you to go down for the crime if the illegal exchange ever came to light. She and Parks began setting you up over a year ago. When I heard that, I would have done anything to protect you. Sleeping with her isn’t even high on the list of terrible things I would willingly do to protect you.
But still... if you can never forgive me for cheating on you, I understand.
Because honestly, I find it hard to forgive myself. Maybe impossible.”
And the truth of the words cut me deep. I’m Light Fae. We don’t cheat. We don’t use. We have a code that we live by, no matter the circumstance. Death is always preferable to dishonor. But the “no matter the circumstance” disappeared when Zoe was in trouble.
“Is it cheating, considering that we weren’t dating at the time?” Her head cocks to the side, considering.
“It feels like it.”
A single nod is my only response.