Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
M y cock throbbed and my adrenaline pumped as I got to my feet. I could still taste Julianna on my tongue and lips, the velvet feel of her skin under my fingertips. Then all my lust dissipated as I looked down at her. Her expression was somewhere between a grimace and regret.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, but I knew what it was instantly.
I squatted and reached out to push some hair that had fallen in her face.
She gritted her teeth, closed her eyes, and shook her head.
I didn’t know anything about what she was feeling.
I’d pulled muscles in my back while in football or when I’d pushed a little too hard while hiking.
But her pain wasn’t something I could understand.
I cupped her cheek in my palm.
“Please tell me what to do. Do we need to go to the hospital?”
“No,” she replied quickly, her word clipped .
“I’m so fucking sorry, Jules,” I whispered.
The weight of the pain I had caused made me want to run. I wanted to remove myself from her presence—her life—before I ruined it any further. I was the reason she was like this. I caused this.
You can’t leave her to suffer alone again.
She had let me see her intense fear of abandonment. She allowed me to know how it made her feel. So, no matter what it cost me, I would never leave her again. She breathed deeply, exhaling in full breaths through pursed lips. “I need a minute,” she ground out, eyes still closed.
I waited, wanting to bundle her into my arms but afraid I’d only make the pain worse. I cradled her face, lightly running my thumbs over her flushed cheeks.
“Please don’t say sorry,” she whispered with tears in her eyes. She let the tiny droplets fall. “This happens sometimes. That’s why the surgery—” She froze.
Panic rose in my chest. “Can you move?”
She waited, then nodded. “Can you get my shirt?”
I wanted to grab my t-shirt and throw it on her, but I thought it might be tight, and I wanted her to be comfortable. Instead, I retrieved her shirt and gingerly placed it over her head. I slowly helped guide her arms through the holes.
Note to self: buy more oversized shirts. I needed to see her in something of mine.
“Is it okay if I lie down here?” she asked. “And do you mind getting?—”
“This is your house, too. You exist anywhere you want, at any time. And I’ll get whatever you need.
Tell me what to do.” I took her hand and helped her bear her weight as she got comfortable.
One lone whimper slipped from her lips, and I grimaced.
She settled on her side, tears continuing to roll down her cheeks. My insides ached watching her suffer.
Julianna directed me toward what she needed: medicine from her bag, water, and a heating pad.
When I returned to her, I fed her the pills and pressed the heating pad to the middle of her back.
The pad was worn and small, and I knew my first order of business was to get her a new, king-sized, plush one.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, sniffing. “I’m so sorry. Of all the times?—”
“I should have been more careful.” I scolded myself aloud, realizing that those words encompassed everything about me with her, not just this time.
“Will you lay down with me?” She glanced up where I stood, looking down at her beside the bed, and a lump formed in my throat.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I replied.
“Please,” she whispered, her eyes filled with fresh tears.
I knew I’d give her anything she asked. I carefully lay down behind her. Her body nestled into mine with my chest to her back, and her soft hair against my cheek. I finally felt a moment of relief from the heap of guilt and terror that had taken me over.
“I’m okay, don’t worry,” she said into the silence as if she sensed my inner struggle. “This happens sometimes.”
“A lot?” I asked, like a masochist, knowing she’d say yes and knowing it would hurt me all over again.
“More often lately, considering,” she replied, instead. “I’m sorry I can’t make you feel as good as you made me feel.”
“Shhhh,” I soothed, running my hand over her side, then moving her hair off her neck, kissing her soft skin. “It was the greatest privilege of my life. I shouldn’t have pulled you across the bed, I’m such a fucking idiot.”
“Don’t treat me like I’m breakable.” Her voice was still soft, but firm. “None of this is your fault. I’m the one who should feel bad, and believe me, I do. I completely killed the mood.”
“There’ll be more moods,” I replied. She didn’t confirm or deny what I said, but rather snuggled into my body. The room was quiet, save for Lakey trying to situate herself at the end of the king-sized bed.
Julianna relaxed quickly, but I was floundering, losing the battle of my mind against my body.
I could still recall the noises she made when she came.
That, combined with the way my fingers held onto her plump curves, was killing me.
I tried to keep my cock from growing hard between her ass cheeks, but it was impossible.
I snuck my hand under her shirt, lightly running my fingers over her side.
The luscious feel of her and the way she curled into me was heaven.
Slowly, she began moving her ass against my groin. I growled in frustration.
“What?” she asked, her voice feigning innocence.
“You know what you’re doing. Quit being devious.”
She giggled. “I couldn’t resist.”
I draped my arm over her middle. I was burning up from the heating pad between us, but it was touching her that was making my blood boil the most.
“It’s okay. There’ll be punishment later.”
“Mmm,” she hummed. “Can’t wait.”
I tried to think of anything I could to keep myself from combusting while I held her.
I thought about how much pain she was in, which only made me feel more protective and territorial.
I would never hurt her, never compromise her health for my selfish needs, but her vulnerability made me want to fight some invisible force to avenge her pain.
She nestled into me further, and I snapped back to thinking about the things I wanted to do to her in the future.
We were friends. But after tasting her, knowing she wanted me as badly as I wanted her, I could not turn back even if I wanted to. She was my wife. And if she’d allow me, I wanted to be her husband outside of name only, for however long she’d have me.
To calm myself down, I thought about Whit and the fight between Julianna and me. That was the best cockblock. The heat in my veins cooled, chilled by the guilt I didn’t want to feel.
“Bram?” Her voice pierced the silence.
“Yes?”
“This has been the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.”
I smiled. “I pride myself on being a giver, sweets.”
She laughed like I hoped she would.
“No, not just that .” She reached around and grasped my hand where it lay on her side.
“Coming here, seeing you, being together. I could never gather the courage to ask my brother if you were taken or married. I have been stuck in that hospital room for fifteen years, watching you leave. I just…I never expected…”
“This was never a choice,” I whispered, smoothing her hair, understanding what she was saying because I felt it, too.
“Any guesses on why Whit hasn’t contacted us?”
“No idea. I’ll try to reach him again in the morning. I didn’t try at all today.”
“Neither did I. There’s so much weighing on me right now, I didn’t think about it. My life feels so unsettled. No definite job news yet. Remote jobs seem harder to come by, even though I have the experience and the education. It is brutal out there.”
“I’m so sorry. It has to be scary, but you have to allow yourself this time to focus on your health. Jobs will be there later.”
“I don’t even have a place to live anymore.” Her voice was small, almost frightened. I hugged her closer.
“You have a place to live. You can stay here for as long as you want.”
“This is temporary, I think we both know that.” But before I could go into a monologue about how wrong she was, she continued, “I missed you. Is that weird of me to say? ”
I swallowed my retort instantly.
“I missed you, too. I’m sorry we fought.”
“Our first fight as a married couple. It wasn’t that bad,” she replied. “And I understand what you were saying about Whit yesterday. I was being selfish. I know we have to tell him the truth. I didn’t want…”
“Shhhh,” I soothed as her voice trailed, softly running my fingers through her hair. “As much as I want to gloat that I was right, I want you to rest. We can talk about this when you feel better.”
“You make everything better.”
Her whispered words were all I ever wanted to hear, and as my body sank into deep sleep, I repeated them over and over, drowning out the voice that made me feel unworthy of holding her.
The following day, I stayed home from work for a few hours to ensure Julianna was well. She’d seemed to bounce back and wasn’t even hobbling when she came into the kitchen, holding out her phone.
“Whit’s calling.”
Before I could respond, she answered and put the phone on speaker.
“Hello? Whit?”
“Hey! Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. There was a media blitz, and we were on the road. It’s no excuse, though. Surgery is tomorrow? That is so quick.”
“Yes,” she replied. “It is. But there’s something else I need to tell you.” Julianna’s eyes met mine, and I nodded. “Bram and I came to an arrangement of sorts. We got married, so Bram’s trust fund can be released.”
Silence filled the line.
“Did you say you married Bram?”
“In name only, but yes.” Julianna’s eye shifted from mine. The night before didn’t seem like “name only,” but I said nothing.
“No. No, you couldn’t have. That’s insane.”
Julianna did not skip a beat. “I’ll have Bram tell you the details when you have time.”
There were a few agonizing moments of silence, and Julianna made a face at me that showed apprehension. “What? This is crazy. Am I too late?” Whit asked, “I can’t stop you from marrying that asshole?”
“That asshole is on the phone,” I announced, leaning over the receiver, and Julianna slapped her hand across her mouth, silencing a laugh. “It’s already done. We were married the day before yesterday.”
“Fucking figures,” Whit grumbled. “So, you guys having fun ruining your lives?”
“You’re so dramatic,” Julianna said, rolling her eyes, clutching the phone. “It’s not a big deal.”
My brow furrowed, but she didn’t look at me, staring at Lakey at our feet. What did she mean by that?
“Call me crazy, but getting legally married for money seems like a big fucking deal,” Whit replied, his voice hard. “I could have given you whatever money either of you needed.”
“But it wasn’t about you,” Julianna said, not waiting for me to comment. “Bram has plans for his money, and what he’s doing will be so good for Mill Creek.”
Whit sighed. “I’ve got too much going on. I’m just going to pretend like I didn’t hear this. But I am happy for Bram to be able to stick it to his Dad with the inheritance.”
“I’m not sure Dad knows yet,” I interjected, and Julianna looked up at me, her expression a little shocked. “I sure as hell didn’t tell him. Time will tell. ”
“He won’t come for you, will he? He wouldn’t do anything bad?” Julianna’s question was meant only for me. I looked at her and shook my head. But in truth, I wasn’t sure.
Whit coughed a little, breaking up our conversation. “Well, congrats, I guess—something like that? I don’t know. This is weird. I need to talk about something else. How are you feeling about the surgery, Jules?”
“I’m dealing,” she replied, looking me in the eye again as she spoke to her brother.
“I’ll be glad to have it over with.” I softened so she wouldn’t see the worry on my face.
We hadn’t discussed her feelings about the surgery much, but I knew she was nervous by the way she fidgeted every time it was mentioned.
I would rather be sliced open with a rusty knife than watch her go through what was coming.
“I’m sure you will,” Whit replied, concern in his tone. “You know I’d be there if I could, right?”
There was no denying that, despite Whit sometimes acting like an ass and his relationship with Julianna being strained, he still loved his sister deeply.
“I know you would, but I’m fine,” Julianna said. “My best friend is coming to help, and we’ll probably stay at Grams’ house once I’m released from the hospital.”
My eyes snapped to hers.
“Sounds like a plan,” Whit replied to Julianna. “I can’t believe you’re not asking your husband to care for you.”
“Well, actually…” she said, “I haven’t talked to Bram about it yet, but Kallie needs to wait for a few days before coming, since everything was so last-minute. I was hoping he would be able and willing to?—”
“Yes,” I interrupted her, my mood soaring. She smiled softly at my enthusiasm. “Yes, I’ll take off the rest of the week. I’ll drive you, I’ll be there at the hospital, I’ll?—”
“Keep it in your pants, Dracula.” Whit’s rude interruption couldn’t keep the smile from overtaking my face. She needed me. I didn’t have to try to worm my way into her sphere. I could be there for her and help her.
I knew then that the feeling in my heart, which had been there since I was a teenager, remained.
I knew I loved her.