Chapter Forty-Four
Iris
When Kian said we’re going home after another week and a half at the hospital, I thought he had bought a new apartment and we were going there.
Oh, how wrong I was.
He flew me to the last place on earth I would’ve guessed—the island.
Or should I say … my island.
It feels surreal to utter it even in my head. It’s also nothing like I had pictured. I imagined it as a lush and thick forest, like you see in the movies where couples get stranded. One of my favorites of all time is The Blue Lagoon .
As our chopper had begun to descend, drawing us closer and closer to the small, which isn’t tiny at all, land in the middle of the ocean, I realized it wasn’t anything like I assumed. From the sky, the mansion was like a piece of jewel glittering like a diamond.
A home.
Our home .
My dream.
That’s what he gifted me on my birthday. A house on the beach where our kids could come out to play in the sand and swim in the water. Or lie at night on a blanket, counting the stars in the sky like I used to do with my mother.
None of it will ever come true.
My dream is cracked, snatched from my hands cruelly.
All the bullshit I preached about women being able to have everything they’ve ever desired. How it shouldn’t be a choice between two dreams.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
The sounds of ocean waves crashing against the shore float inside through the open patio doors in the master bedroom. I stare at the vast expanse of blue ocean and sky meeting on the horizon, while the sun sets down in the middle.
Footsteps enter the room behind me. The scent of musk and chocolate teases my nostrils, wrapping around me in a hug. The warmth doesn’t penetrate the ice running in my bloodstream.
“Rainbow,” Kian calls.
I don’t turn. “Hmm?”
“You need to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
I hear him shuffle closer. The bed dips with his weight a second before he carefully pulls me against his chest.
There’s only a faint ache in my chest and lower stomach when I move, but otherwise my body is as good as new. Except for the scars, both physical and emotional.
“We can go outside if you want to see the sunset,” Kian says in my ear. “The fresh air will feel good.”
“I’m fine here.” My voice sounds cold and forlorn to my own ears.
Yet he doesn’t point it out and wraps his arm tighter around me. “Okay.”
We watch as the sun submerges into the ocean inch by inch, until the yellow and orange hue is entirely gone. We’re bathed in darkness, except for the low light coming from the balcony. I wait for the solace and magnetism from the first time he and I watched the sunset, but it never comes.
Ever since I’ve woken up almost three weeks ago, there’s this hollowness carving a hole inside me and getting bigger by the second.
All I want to do is close my eyes and fall into an abyss.
And I would, if it weren’t for Kian.
He keeps yanking me back.
Into a world so black and menacing and selfish. A small voice, somewhere deep inside me, keeps screaming this isn’t who I am. However, I don’t know who else to be.
Am I supposed to put a smile on my face?
Go to college and attend my classes till I graduate?
Be grateful that I’m alive after fooling death by the skin of my teeth?
Search for the proverbial light in the dark?
Dream a new future where it’s just Kian and me?
Live with the fear that all of this can be taken away from me any second?
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
“Talk to me, Iris,” Kian urges as I stay stuck in my mind. “Please. Say something.”
“We should eat.”
Before he can say anything, I slip out from underneath his arm and walk into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I stay hiding until I hear his footsteps recede.
He wants me to express my feelings, speak my fears out loud. As if that’ll fix me.
I wish it were that easy.
He doesn’t deserve this version of me. A shell of a woman. Hopeless and bitter. Ungrateful and cold. But it’s what I’ve become.
Even the thought of him blaming himself for what happened isn’t pushing me enough to break out of this funk.
That’s how broken I feel.
I love him. I don’t regret taking a bullet for him. I want to spend my life with him. I just don’t know how to bring back the old me.
That woman is the one he deserves.
Turning the knob, I reenter the room and sit against the headboard on the bed. Kian shows up, holding a tray in hand. He takes a step toward the coffee table.
“I can eat over here, Kian,” I tell him.
His eyes collide with mine. “You don’t eat in bed.”
“I think you were right. It’s a stupid superstition,” I throw back his words at him about my beliefs of not eating in the bed unless you wish to get sick. “A lot of good it did me.”
“No.” He places the tray on the table.
“Come on, Kian.”
He briskly stalks to my side, slides one arm underneath my knees and the other behind my back, and picks me up. “We don’t eat in bed.”
Sitting down on the couch with me sideways on his lap, he leans over and grabs the bowl of vegetable soup. Spooning a sip, he blows on it before raising it to my lips.
“Open, baby.”
They part of their own accord at his command and I drink the hot liquid as he feeds me without looking away from my eyes.
Feeding me a second time, he says, “I know you feel lost, like a stranger in your own body, and broken. But you’re still you, Iris.
Still my little rainbow. Beautiful. Strong.
Mischievous. Possessive. Loyal. A force to be reckoned with. Nothing and nobody can change that.”
A lump forms in my throat. I try to swallow it down, but it’s stuck.
Pushing aside the bowl, he pulls me closer and tucks my face against his chest. I curl my fingers in his black T-shirt as he massages my arms, then my back, in soothing circles. “You’re a survivor. You will get through this.”
I cling to him and close my eyes, letting his strength become my haven.
***
Forcing myself out of bed after sticking to it for three days, I venture out of the master bedroom to explore the rest of the place. The longer I stay cooped up inside, the darker my thoughts are becoming.
Both nights I’ve woken up, sweaty and shivering, in Kian’s arms from a nightmare. It’s the same scene where Yukta pulls the trigger on Kian over and over. Only I never make it to him in time and she kills him. Then Bianca and Rosalie until I’m drowning in a scarlet river.
Kian would calm me down as I touch him all over, making sure he’s safe and sound. The only way I can sleep after is by lying over him with his heartbeat in my ear.
Shoving down the memory, I look up and down the long corridor, with two doors on each side. The opposite of ours is another bedroom, similar to ours with hardwood floors, but smaller and without a balcony.
Backing out of it, I stroll to the one right next to us and unlock it. It’s dark, so I touch the wall, finding the switch, and turn on the light.
I have to clutch the wall to hold myself up as my heart constricts, as though thousands of needles are stabbing into it.
The room isn’t a bedroom .
My eyes circle the undecorated nursery. The walls are painted in both light blue and pink, while a lovely crib rests in one corner.
I stumble toward it, running my fingertips over the edges.
Empty.
It’s always going to be empty.
“Oh god, no,” I whisper, clutching my stomach.
Kian thought of everything. It emanates from the walls that he put his heart and soul into when building our perfect home. I realize with sharp clarity that it’s not just me who has lost a dream, but him too.
Somewhere along the way, becoming a parent became his purpose.
I was supposed to make it true.
Make him a father.
But fate had other plans for us.
Rage consumes me and I kick at the crib. I shake and throw it down, dropping to the floor with it, and I hit and hit and hit.
“Iris! Stop!”
I don’t, punching hard and hunching over in pain.
Strong hands capture my wrists and push them down by my sides.
“No!” I yell, bawling in despair. “No!”
I’m yanked backward against a hard body. Kian curls himself around my small frame as I fight him, twisting and thrashing. “It’s okay. Let it out.”
“Why me? Why us?”
“I wish I knew, baby.”
Digging my nails into his arms, I sob. “It hurts. It hurts so bad.”
“I know,” he utters in a trembling voice.
I feel his tears drip onto my shoulders, his chest shaking as he cries with me. Turning around, I bury my face against the middle of his chest. “I-I don’t know how to move on. I can’t. Everything hurts.”
He cups the back of my neck. “Then let me in. Don’t bottle up your emotions.
Let me help you. Yell at me. Be mad at me.
Do whatever you want, but don’t shut me out.
” Tilting my face, he presses his forehead against mine.
“ Live for me, Rainbow. It hurts my soul to see you like this. I’m so sorry I didn’t get to you in time. ”
I press my palm against the side of his face, rubbing my thumb over his cheekbone. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know.”
“I’m always failing you.”
“No, you aren’t.”
His eyes close, wetness clinging to his eyelashes. “It should’ve been me. None of this would’ve happened. You wouldn’t have lost so much.”
“You don’t know that.” He meets my gaze. “She was going to shoot me, no matter what, and I’d still be here. And then I would’ve lost everything .”
He exhales, burying his face against my neck. “This isn’t how I imagined bringing you here. Or showing you this room.”
“Take me out of here, please.” I don’t ever want to be in here.
Tightening his hold around my waist, Kian hefts me up as I loop my arms around his neck.
We go into our bedroom, but instead of walking toward the bed, he carries me out onto the balcony.
Settling down on the patio chair, he leans back with my front flush against his and my head tucked underneath his chin.
Holding me in a cocoon of his protective embrace.
“Do you know what my second biggest regret is?”
I tilt my head, meeting his gaze. I’m blown away by the sorrow reflecting in his metallic eyes. I ache to take the sadness away so he stops blaming himself. “Kian─”
“That I never told you how madly and deeply and obsessively I’m in love with you.”
I freeze, my grip on his bicep going lax.
“It terrified me that I might never get the chance to say it to you. Because I was too chickenshit to say it back each time you uttered it to me. It infuriates me that it took me this long to get my head out of my ass and tell you.” Staring straight into my soul with tear-soaked eyes, he rasps, “I love you, Iris.”
My breath hitches as I inhale sharply. His admission shoots like an arrow straight into my heart, making it pound harder.
“I love you so, so much. The only woman I’ve ever loved and ever will. In every lifetime. In every universe. In every dream. I fucking love you, Rainbow.”
“Oh, Kian,” I stammer, sobbing loudly. “I love you too.”
His rough exhale teases my lips and he cups my face with both hands. “I’m going to tell you I love you every single day. Until you’re sick of hearing it, and I still won’t stop. I’m not wasting another day not telling you how much you mean to me because it’s you who taught me how to love.”
“I’ll never get tired.”
“I know. When I die, I want my last words to be that I love you. For breathing life into me. For never leaving my side. Most of all, for loving me back and saving me from death so I could spend my forever with you.”
I smile, for the first time since I woke up. Kian’s devoted gaze drops to my lips, softening at the corners. My heart squeezes behind my ribs as a tear falls down his cheek.
“God! I missed your smile.”
Wiping away the wetness on his cheeks, I inch closer and press my mouth against his. A shiver runs down both our spines, coiling into a low heat as our lips part and our tongues meet. Slanting my head, he sighs in pleasure and kisses me slowly, like he has all the time in the world.
“I love you,” he rasps.
“I love you too.”
“As long as we’re together, we’ll survive anything. Take however long you need to heal, Rainbow. I’m right here. All our dreams will come true, even if the road we need to choose is different.”
“I want to get better.”
“You will, baby,” he vows. “One step at a time.”