Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
“You don’t have to go home tomorrow, you know.” Eric placed a mug of coffee in front of him, then curled up on the opposite couch next to Garth. “Stay a few days.”
“Eric will be working, but I can show you around.” Garth smiled. “He said you might want to check out the castle.”
Matt leaned back against the seat cushions. “You’ve both been really kind, but I need to go home. I can’t put keep putting it off. I’ll go into uni in the morning, then catch the next train home.”
Eric narrowed his gaze. “It’s the couch, isn’t it?”
He laughed. “For the fourth or fifth time, the couch is perfectly comfortable. The curry was fantastic. The beer was great. I’m not going home because of anything you two have done, all right?
” He sighed. “You’ve given me some breathing space, helped me put a little distance between—” He clammed up.
“He’ll still be there,” Eric said in a gentle voice. “You can’t avoid him forever.”
“Eric…” Garth touched his knee. “Matt’s a grown-up.”
Matt gave him a grateful glance.
“Why don’t you pick a film for us to watch?” Garth tossed him the remote. “You choose the streaming site. We have most of them.” He grinned at Eric. “Don’t we, sweetheart?”
Matt could tell Eric was gearing up to fire back at him.
Then his phone rang, and he glanced at the screen.
Fuck.
His heart thumped.
Ring.
“What’s wrong?” Eric demanded.
“Owen’s calling me.”
Ring.
“Then answer it.” Eric was on his feet in seconds, tugging on Garth’s hand, pulling him towards the door. “We’ll give you some privacy.”
The phone was still ringing.
Matt clicked on Answer. “Hey.”
“Hi. Is this a good time to talk?”
He cursed the way his heart pounded at the sound of Owen’s voice. “Yeah.” He caught sounds in the background. “Owen… where are you?”
Whatever Owen had been about to say was lost when a voice announced the next stop would be Carlisle.
He frowned. “You’re on a train?”
“Yeah.”
Something clicked into place.
“I went through there yesterday.” He froze. “Are… are you on a train to Edinburgh?”
Owen chuckled. “Can’t get anything past you, can I? I’m due in at four-twenty. I’ve booked a room at the Balmoral.”
In spite of his churning stomach, Matt forced a quiet laugh. “Of course you have.”
“Can you meet me there this evening? I know you’ll be in Edinburgh tomorrow morning anyway, so if you want, you can stay there tonight too. You… you don’t have to share a room with me. I’ll book one for you. But… I really do need to talk to you.”
Matt swallowed. “You’re coming all this way—just to talk to me? Couldn’t it have waited until I got back to Winchester?”
There was a pause, and Matt couldn’t miss the note of exhaustion that crept into Owen’s voice.
“No, it really, really couldn’t.”
Matt tried to get his ragged breathing under control. “I’ll be there.” And then he hung up before he could change his mind.
The lounge door opened, and Eric came in, his eyes shining.
“I’ll help you pack, then I’ll take you to the station. There’s a train at three-fifty. You’ll be at Waverley in fifty minutes.”
Matt laughed, despite the thoughts spinning around in his head.
Why is Owen doing this? What could possibly be important enough to undo everything I’ve spent two weeks accepting?
He didn’t know whether he wanted the answer.
He only knew he needed to hear it.
Owen opened the door with his key card, and Matt went in.
That last hour on the train, Owen had done nothing but imagine this meeting. The forty minutes since he’d arrived at the hotel had been similar torture.
Will he be angry? Cold? Hurt?
That first sight of Matt as he entered the hotel lobby had sent Owen’s stomach roiling. It hadn’t been that long since Matt had stood in his house, but whatever he’d imagined, he hadn’t counted on Matt looking so tired.
Or on gazing at him as though he’d already accepted Owen was no longer part of his life.
I did that.
They didn’t touch, didn’t smile as they went into the lift. Owen got the feeling neither of them knew how to even begin this conversation.
He hoped the words would come.
Matt gave their surroundings a cursory glance. “This is even swankier than the Savoy.”
Owen recognised deflection when he saw it. “Thank you for coming.”
Matt swallowed. “I almost didn’t. I got to Stirling station and thought about telling Eric to turn the car around.”
Everything Owen had rehearsed on the train disappeared.
He lowered Matt’s bag to the floor, his breath catching. “I owe you an explanation.”
Matt placed his backpack on the armchair. “I think I’d like one.”
Owen gestured towards the couches, but neither of them moved.
“I need you to understand something first.”
Matt’s face tightened, but he remained silent.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Matt widened his eyes, his lips parted, but Owen couldn’t stop, not now.
“I know you think something changed. And it did, but it wasn’t because of anything you did.”
“Then why?” Matt uttered the words so quietly.
Owen could’ve understood anger. Quiet made it worse.
He sat before his legs decided they couldn’t hold him upright any more.
“After the island, I got scared.”
Matt frowned. “Scared of what?” He sat on the other couch, elbows on his knees, leaning forward.
Owen swallowed. “Of how much I wanted more.” Matt went still, and Owen forced himself to look him in the eye. “I convinced myself I needed to be careful.”
Matt’s jaw tightened. “‘Careful’.”
“Yes.”
“That’s what you called it?”
Owen closed his eyes, as if blotting out the sight of Matt would somehow make him feel better. “Yes.”
“And what exactly did careful mean?” Every word was enunciated so fucking clearly.
Owen looked at him. “It meant not asking you to come over. Not finding excuses for you to stay. Not letting myself reach for you every time you walked through the door.”
Matt stared at him, eyes still wide. “And you thought that was easier?”
“No.” The answer came too quickly. “No, it was awful.”
Matt blinked. “Then why?”
“Because I thought I needed to love you less.”
The room went silent.
“I thought if I could put some distance between us, if I could remind myself what this was supposed to be, then I could stop it before you got hurt.”
Matt’s face went blank, his eyes clouding over. “Before I got hurt?”
“Yes.”
“Owen…”
“I know how that sounds.”
“No.” Matt shook his head. “I don’t think you do.” His voice cracked. “You made me think you didn’t want me anymore.”
Owen flinched.
“I thought I’d done something.”
“You didn’t.”
“I thought maybe the island meant more to me than it did to you.”
Owen closed his eyes. That was the exact opposite of the truth.
“Matt…”
“No, I need you to understand.” His voice grew stronger. “I kept trying to find the reason. Because nothing made sense.”
Owen let out a slow breath. “I thought I was protecting you.”
Matt stared at him. “From what?”
He squared his shoulders. “Me.” His chest felt impossibly tight. “Every time I pulled away, every time I stopped asking you to come over, every time I stopped reaching for you… it wasn’t because I cared less.” Another hard swallow. “It was because I cared too much.”
Matt’s expression softened a little, but he still looked lost.
Owen forced himself to continue. “I spent a lot of time thinking about the future.”
Matt’s jaw tightened again. “The age difference. I knew this was coming.”
“What?”
“The conversation about me being young and you being old.”
Owen shook his head. “No. Not like that.”
“Then how?”
He forced himself to take even, regular breaths.
“I started imagining things, years from now. You looking back and wondering why you chose me.”
Matt’s breathing hitched. “That’s not fair.”
“I know.”
“I mean to me.”
Owen nodded. “I know.”
Matt’s eyes were huge. “You decided how I’d feel.”
He swallowed. “Yes.”
“You decided what I’d regret.”
He gazed at the rug beneath his feet. “Yes.”
“Why?”
There was only the truth.
“Because I loved you.” He heard the ragged edge in Matt’s breathing, but he ploughed ahead before fear could stop him. “I just didn’t know that was what it was.”
“I… I don’t understand.”
Owen huffed. “I didn’t either. I always thought if I fell in love again, I’d know.”
His voice shook a little. “With Ben, I knew. Ben was lightning.”
Matt expelled a lingering breath. “And lightning doesn’t strike twice.”
He raised his chin, seeking Matt’s face. The small, sad smile wasn’t what he expected to find. Matt’s eyes were warm.
“Owen… you’re allowed to be happy.”
Owen swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I didn’t believe that.” He paused. “And the strangest thing is… I kept waiting for this to feel like it did with Ben.”
Matt watched him.
“But it didn’t.” Owen let out a sigh. “Because it wasn’t the same.
” He stared into Matt’s eyes. “It was different, because you were different.” He looked towards the window.
“The worst part is, I didn’t fall in love with you in one moment.
I can’t point to a single day and tell you that was when it happened.
” He bit back a smile. “It was cups of tea. Garden centres.” His lips twitched. “You arguing with me about plants.”
A breath of laughter escaped Matt.
“You laughing at films you’d seen a hundred times.” Owen’s voice grew soft as he returned his gaze to Matt. “You sitting in my kitchen like you belonged there.”
Matt stared at him.
“I didn’t even notice it happening. So no, I didn’t wake up one morning and realise I loved you.” Owen swallowed again. “I just looked up one day and realised every picture I had of my future somehow had you in it.” He shivered. “And then last night happened.”
Matt frowned. “Did something happen at the party?”
“No, after it. Once everyone had left. I went outside.” Owen got up and went over to the window, staring down into the bustling street below.
“The garden was finished. Everything was exactly how we wanted it. I sat on the patio, drinking it all in.” Another brief sigh.
“And all I could think was that it didn’t feel finished. ”
“Why?”
Owen turned to gaze at him. “Because you weren’t there.”