Chapter 7 Ballpoint Pen
BALLPOINT PEN
When I first started out in music, I was surrounded by people – people who wanted the best for me, who wanted me to be successful.
But over the years, I don’t know… They’ve all faded into the background, appearing in the papers as ‘a close friend of Sienna Martin’ or ‘a source in Sienna Martin’s inner circle’.
Whenever someone needs to make some quick cash, they can sell a story or something scandalous that I’ve done or said recently and job done.
It’s led to some real tightening of my circles quite quickly, until the circle has become virtually non-existent. Almost the size of a ballpoint pen.
Jess is already standing outside my door when Kareem pulls in through the driveway.
‘Thanks again, Kareem.’ I pull open the car door. ‘Don’t go yet. I have a present for you inside.’
‘You didn’t have to do that, Miss Martin.’
I reach the top of the steps.
‘Did you not bring any food back with you? I’m starved,’ Jess begs.
I clear my throat. ‘From Mauve’s house? Do you not value your life?’
‘Fair point.’
I unlock the front door and grab the gift bag from next to the umbrella stand. Another new outfit and a book for Kareem’s baby girl. I can’t wait for the day I can buy her a piano and teach her how to play it.
When I close the door, Jess has already slipped off her shoes and is rooting through my kitchen cupboards. ‘Sienna, you don’t have any real food.’
‘I know. I really need to do a food shop, but everything has just been so busy and it’s not like I can pop down to Tesco anymore.’
Jess nods like she understands, but she doesn’t really.
No one, unless they’re in this situation, will ever understand what it’s like to lose control of my life so much that it’s hard to even do my own food shop in person.
One time I ordered two cucumbers, and it was substituted for two bottles of cucumber-scented hand wash instead. Not exactly nutritious.
I open the freezer and locate some party food at the back. Some mini pizzas, chicken nuggets, chips, sausage rolls. I bang up the heat on the oven and warm us up a feast. I text Luc.
SIENNA
Are you free on 4th?
Luc replies immediately.
LUC
Of July?
SIENNA
No of never
LUC
Yes, I’m free on 4th July – why do you ask?
SIENNA
Rory has a charity gala thing. Surprised Mimi hasn’t already asked
LUC
Rory?
SIENNA
You know, my brother
That’s what you took from that message?
LUC
Is this you asking me out?
SIENNA
Don’t make me beg
LUC
Look at you arranging or next date already
You must really like me
SIENNA
Don’t get ahead of yourself Lucas
My mouth is dry. I don’t deserve Luc’s kindness. At some point, we’re going to have to speak properly about our past.
There’s a new message from Mimi, reminding me again about Thursday’s movie premiere, and that she’ll be getting a designer to send over a rented dress I can wear – either something from Valentino or Vivienne Westwood. And that Luc will be given a rented suit which matches my dress.
SIENNA
I guess Mimi has already told you about Thursday?
LUC
That the world is due to end?
She might have mentioned it
SIENNA
Just know I am rolling my eyes at you so hard right now
Premiere, red carpet, Leicester Square
LUC
I’ll be cleaning my glasses that day
SIENNA
Luc
LUC
Of course I’ll be there, Sie, wouldn’t miss it
I pause for a few seconds, twiddling my thumbs.
At least on Thursday we won’t have an opportunity to talk about anything.
I can go on a little while longer pretending that everything is normal between us.
Pretending that the last decade hasn’t happened and we’re simply in our early twenties, just getting to know each other for the first time again.
LUC
In fact, I would
Were I not with you
SIENNA
See you Thursday
I carry mine and Jess’s wines through to the living room where Jess is already curled up on the sofa, a blanket draped over her lap and the TV playing quietly in the background.
The tortilla chips and salsa she brought with her are on the coffee table.
She’s scrolling through her phone, the screen closer to her face than it probably should be.
A short sound plays from the phone speakers, a few seconds of one video before she moves on to another.
I slide in next to her, worming my feet under the blanket.
‘Tell me about last night,’ Jess requests.
‘There’s not a whole lot to tell, really.’ I gulp my wine, nearly choking.
‘Sienna,’ Jess drones. ‘Come on.’
‘I mean it, Jess. There’s nothing really to tell. We just set some ground rules, had a general catch-up.’ I fiddle with the skin around my fingernails and inhale sharply when I pull too much skin off.
‘Did you talk about what happened between you?’
‘Absolutely not.’ I don’t look at her.
I fell into a relationship with Luc easily after we met on Eric Lancaster’s Laughs the first time.
The way he was kind to me but treated me like I was anyone else.
How that didn’t change after my album went to number one and everyone else in my life stopped treating me how they did before.
Mimi, Jess, Rory and Luc were the only ones to treat me how I was used to being treated.
Even the way Mauve reacted to me changed.
She became so critical, like anything I wore and did that wasn’t quite up to scratch would reflect badly on her.
‘When will you?’ Jess asks.
‘Never, if I have my way.’
‘That’s not really fair on him.’
I don’t reply.
‘What ground rules did you set then?’ Jess continues.
I try to remember back to exactly what they were, but the whole evening, Luc’s hand on mine in the back of the car, the way I didn’t pull back straight away, is blurring in my mind.
‘No heavy PDA, no being spotted with other potential romantic partners, and our close friends and family have to know it’s not real. ’
‘Sensible. Break-up date?’
‘Mimi didn’t advise either way, so Luc and I agreed to the beginning of the tour.’
‘Is that enough time?’ Jess asks. ‘Not saying we need to change it, but for Mimi’s plan… is five months long enough?’
The social media comments from this morning about how I’ll have someone new next week and they’ll believe Luc and I are going to last when they see it flash through my mind.
‘It’ll be my longest ever,’ I shrug. ‘Things don’t work out sometimes.’ A pause. ‘Or most of the time, if you’re me.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ Jess dismisses. ‘It’s hard when you have to second guess everyone’s intentions for wanting to be in your life. It’s not as simple as it is for me or… Rory.’
It’s true. I have to think about what everyone wants as soon as they come into my life.
Whether they genuinely want to make a friend, or whether there’s an ulterior motive.
Like one friend from school who didn’t speak to me until her niece wanted a record deal, or a cousin who ignored me until their small business was about to be launched.
Or even Xavier, who really only wanted to bolster his career to move from crime dramas into bigger budget Hollywood movies.
Everyone always wants something else. It’s never just a relationship with me.
As soon as I get a whiff of someone not being completely genuine, I cut myself off. I don’t want to be used. I don’t want my feelings to be hurt. It’s why I cling so hard to my relationships from before. It’s lonely at the top. When you can count on one hand the people you trust.
I thought I would be surrounded by people who love me, millions of adoring fans a comfort blanket against the loneliness. But, actually, it only accentuates it.
People like Luc are rare.
There are messages from Mimi, Mauve and Rory at the top of my phone, but on top of those, there’s another new one. Luc.
LUC
I’ve heard from Mimi that Tom Ford is lending me a suit for Thursday?
TOM FORD?
Is this what your life is like?
SIENNA
Buckle up Lucas, it gets worse
LUC
It’s an honour to come on this life with you, Sienna Martin
A grin spreads across my face before I can stop myself.
‘What are you smiling at?’ Jess’s voice forces me to look up, to firmly plant myself back in my own living room, with a glass of wine and a million mini margaritas in the oven.
‘Nothing,’ I say defensively.
LUC
Can we agree one more rule?
SIENNA
Sure
‘Yeah, yeah, okay…’ Jess rolls her eyes, but the smile on her face lifts my heart. ‘I’ll let you keep your secrets. For now.’
‘I’m– It’s not a secret!’ I protest. ‘The very opposite, actually.’
LUC
Can we agree you’re always the one who tells me our plans and not Mimi?
Not that I don’t like talking to her!
But it’s making me feel like an escort
SIENNA
Fine – from now on, Rule Number Four decrees I will always be the one to invite you places
LUC
I reserve the right to ask you on a date!
We need to stop calling our outings dates.
It’s doing funny things to my brain, making me want to put on my running trainers and escape in the opposite direction.
But something about the idea of Luc actively wanting to invite me to spend time with him, rather than it all being on my terms, sends my insides to liquid.
Our first ever proper date was in a restaurant not too far from my house.
A tiny independent Italian, so small there are only six tables.
They’d had a cancellation, so we got lucky.
It was so small that Luc’s legs kept brushing against my own under the table, sending my heart into the pit of my stomach.
Our plates were crashing together. It was boiling in there, and Luc had to peel my clothes off me when we got back home.
LUC
And weren’t there already four rules?
SIENNA
Maybe, can’t remember
LUC
Maybe we should write them down
Is that how you make something legally binding?
My fingers hover over my phone screen. I reach out to sip my wine, trying to think of something funny I can retort.
SIENNA
You really want this arrangement to be business don’t you
If you want it to be legally binding, I can get my lawyer to draw up a proper contract
All he replies is a laughing emoji, and I’m not sure whether it means he’s actually laughing or whether he wants to end the conversation.
I nibble on the inside of my cheek periodically, the edge of my molar cutting down on the pink flesh.
I’m gnawing so aimlessly, so consciously-but-subconsciously that I’m almost certain there will be a tiny welt there later.
Is this agonising worry what I’ve been missing out on all these years? Because if so, I’m not sure I’ve been missing much. Why does Luc want everything to be so official? And yet he doesn’t want everything to go through Mimi?
‘What are you thinking about?’
I don’t realise Jess is watching me until her voice breaks me out of my trance, my own violent thought pattern.
She is frowning, the smile from earlier melting off her face by the heat of the worry emanating from me.
Her hand finds my knee under the blanket, and she pats reassuringly.
The way she gets me to confess my thoughts when my walls fly up, my mouth locks shut.
A subtle coaxing of I’m here, I hear you.
Nothing you say is going to make me run.
‘Nothing, really.’ The lie slips off my tongue like soap on a wet floor. ‘You know what I get like when I’m writing.’
The sparkle returns and Jess’s hand returns to her own lap. ‘It’s all you think about.’
I bow my head, forcing a smile. ‘Always planning the next song.’ It isn’t a complete lie. I could technically make a song out of anything that goes on in my head.
I would be glad to continue missing out on the anxiety of being on the brink of letting someone in, the anxiety of vulnerability, and the constant fear they’ll leave. It’s not for me.