Chapter 29
Claire
It’s been three weeks since the ultrasound that changed everything, and today is another huge step.
I’m moving into a new apartment. It’s a small studio, but it’s mine. Adam’s team set the whole thing up. Paid for the first and last month’s rent so I could have my own place, and I have plans to pay them back immediately.
“This is all you have?” Adam asks cautiously. He’s stayed with me in the safe house more often than not, so he should realize I have next to nothing to my name.
“Umm, yep. Unfortunately, I couldn’t bring all my nice furniture with me when I transferred to becoming a stripper.” I smirk.
“That’s not what I meant.” He’s flustered.
I love making this man flustered. He’s so different from how Chris was. I have to say I freaking love it. He’s generous and a little introverted. He’s not a ladies’ man at all, and I’ve grown more confident, knowing that he won’t judge me and my slightly neurotic healing process.
I won’t say I’m better, but I am working on things.
My blog is still up and collecting more profit, so I’m not without income at least. I’m taking Adam’s suggestion of leaning into the history side of things, but there is so much damn research that it’s slow going.
I get overwhelmed and have to remember why I’m doing this.
Charlie would have absolutely loved this direction and may have even jumped on board if I had done this earlier.
The napping hasn’t slowed down either, which is probably the culprit of why I’m not getting more done. Growing a baby is hard as hell.
Speaking of the past, I have an appointment with a therapist this afternoon.
I’m freaking out, though. I have no clue where to start, what to talk about, or how to even process shit.
I’ve talked extensively with Adam and his team about what I can and can’t talk about, so that’s at least some helpful direction.
But with only about three months until the baby is here, I need to get to a place where I feel more comfortable bringing a new person into the world.
Right now, it feels like Adam is beyond ready and I’m just along for the ride.
This baby needs both of us healthy in order to thrive.
Not a mom who is barely hanging on by a thread.
“You ready?” Adam asks as he picks up my purse, opening the front door. He insisted on driving me, just in case it’s a hard session, so I don’t have to drive home sobbing.
“No, but yes.” I sigh.
“I’ll be right there in the waiting room if you need me.”
He’s almost too sweet. I know I should be grateful and happy that I’m having a kid with this type of man, but damn, it’s just so overwhelming—hence the therapy.
“I know.”
The drive is relatively short, considering it’s in the city, and in a matter of minutes, I’m sitting on a couch in Dr. Ewing’s office.
“Welcome, Claire. My name’s Dr. Ewing, but you can call me Craig. Let’s start with what brings you here today.”
Then I word vomit entirely too much information, but I can’t stop.
“… and I feel like I’m this weird limbo where I don’t deserve anything, yet I need to get my shit together because this one isn’t going to wait for me work through my shit.
And Adam has just been the best since he found out.
Fully ready for the baby, getting gear and furniture.
Although, God knows where we’re going to put it. ”
“Claire,” Craig says when I come up for air. “Take a breath. There is a lot to go over here. I want to start by recognizing that there have been a lot of changes in your life recently. Finding a new ‘normal’ will take time, and not everything will be solved before your baby gets here.”
I nod, really trying to take in his words.
“I also want to say something about Adam. I don’t know him, nor do I know how he feels, but I would venture an educated guess that he also doesn’t feel ready for this baby.
He only just found out, and he is probably still processing things.
Not to put words or feelings in his mouth or head, but I encourage you to talk to him about how he really is feeling instead of assuming. ”
“You’re right. I did assume because he’s much more … level-headed than I am right now.”
“It could be a front. From what you’ve told me about your time as Nova, you’ve had to put on many faces. You said he was undercover.” He gives me a knowing look.
“Okay, so talking. I can do that.”
“I also want you to work on taking things one at a time. Do you feel like you’re overwhelmed a lot?”
“So much.” I chuckle. “I’m beginning to think I’ll never not be overwhelmed.”
“This will be a long process. It won’t change overnight, but I would like to see you start counting to ten in your head—or out loud if that helps you more—when your thoughts start to race. It can help you slow down and focus on what the actual problem is.”
“Makes sense. I tend to try to think or endgame things, like how I see my life in five years and how I can make that happen in three,” I muse. I’ve always been this way. I have a future plan, but I always want to find a way to make things happen right this second.”
“Don’t borrow stress, okay? We need to find a way to lessen your stress, especially with the baby coming.”
“You’re right.” I nod. “The baby needs to be my focus.”
“How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?”
“Scared shitless.” I laugh. “We were safe, and I had just been swept off to a house I didn’t know.
I panicked that Adam didn’t want to see me.
Or, hell, I thought maybe something really bad had happened to him when we …
parted. Like him getting really hurt, and I don’t think I was ready to learn one way or the other.
I made myself take a couple of weeks to just sit on the news.
I made a promise to myself that if I saw Adam again, I would be honest.”
“But you weren’t going to go out of your way to tell him?”
“I ...” I pause. Is that why I didn’t ask Lex after he initially asked if I wanted to see Adam? “I don’t think I made a conscious decision about it, but thinking back, maybe I avoided it.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Fear, obviously.”
He nods for me to continue and dig deeper.
“I was scared he would leave me, like everyone, else once he found out,” I whisper.
“Who else left you?”
“My brother.”
“He didn’t leave you intentionally, though.”
“Didn’t he? He chose to use. He chose to get involved with a man who is known for taking advantage of people.”
“Addiction is hard to justify from the outside. Once you’re in the thick of it, no one can make you do something different unless you choose to.
He didn’t want to get out yet, and that’s not on you.
Someone took advantage of him being in a vulnerable position and sunk him deeper.
But somewhere along the way, your brother needed to take responsibility for his role in his life. ”
“But he never got the chance because he died.”
“Unfortunately, that happens more than we would like. His addiction is not your fault. His death is not your fault.”
Tears drip down my chin as someone completely removed from my life tells me that none of this is my fault. I think, on some level, I’ve already felt like it was. Like Charlie was my responsibility and I failed him.
“I never grieved him,” I say through my sobs as I grab a tissue.
“Bereavement isn’t a straightforward process. There is no ‘hit step one, move onto to step two, and then by step ten you’re good to go’. You focused on having some control over the situation, therefore putting your grieving on hold. At some point, it just bubbles up, though.”
“Right now,” I mumble.
“Because you’re choosing to do the work. That involves feeling the grief you never did for your brother.”
“Feeling things sucks.”
“It can be very therapeutic, though. You’re here for your child, and that’s one of the best reasons to start working on healing yourself. I won’t lie, though; it’s going to be hard.”
“Yeah.”
“We’re almost out of time, but I’d like you to do some homework for me.” He scoots forward in his chair.
“Okay.”
“I want you to write a list of things you miss about Charlie. Things you think about throughout the week that you wish he could experience with you. This is about remembering him as he was, not only associating him with the drugs.”
I already feel pangs in my chest, thinking about the assignment. Craig is right, though. I’ve avoided all things Charlie, and I don’t think I can any longer. Not if I truly want to work on myself.
“Well, this is going to suck.”
“You might surprise yourself. It was lovely to meet you, Claire, and I look forward to seeing you next week. Bring your list with you please, and I’m just a phone call away if you need anything.” He stands, holding out his hand for me to shake.
The hour went by extremely fast. It’s almost like whiplash, this bubble of progress only to go back to the real world and cope somehow.
Adam stands when he sees me, worry written all over his face.
“I’m fine.” I realize he probably doesn’t believe me with the red face I’m rocking from crying.
“Let’s get you back home. If you want to talk about it, you can, but I won’t push you.”
See? He’s so understanding and sweet. Even if he does look like he wants to punch out my therapist.
He gets me settled in the car, and then we’re off. His hand reaches over, entertaining mine and giving me silent strength I desperately need right now.
Craig’s words roll around in my head, but all I can focus on is Charlie.
I miss him so incredibly much. I’ve never just sat with that feeling because it hurts so damn much. He’s missing not only his life, but mine. I have a man in my life and a baby on the way, and neither of them get to know just how amazing Uncle Charlie would have been.
Sobs retch through my body at the thought.
I run my hand over my belly, telling this baby that I promise to make sure they know who Uncle Charlie would have been for them.
The one that would have gotten ridiculous presents that I would have hated.
The one that would pick them up after school just to go get some ice cream.
He would have been there through everything, and Craig was right; I don’t want to forget that version of Charlie.
We pull into a parking garage I don’t recognize before I turn to Adam with a question in my eyes.
“My apartment. I, umm, selfishly don’t want to leave you anywhere like this.”
I must be an extra hot mess then if he didn’t even want to leave me at my apartment.
“Is that okay?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I croak out, my voice shot from crying.
It’s as we get onto the elevator that I realize I’ve never been here. I’m about to get a glimpse into who Adam really is outside of his job.