Chapter 45
Martin
“You still have to explain how you managed to spill coffee on your laptop,” Evan says.
“Thank you for coming with me to get another one.”
“You are hopeless.”
“I already know that.”
I walk Evan up to the front door of the O’Connors’ house. The driveway’s full, so I had to leave the car out on the road.
“Do you want to come in?” He asks.
“I don’t know. Everyone will be there.”
“As usual.”
“Maybe just a quick hello to Karen and James.”
Evan unlocks the door with his own key. We can already hear Ryan and Nick’s voices from outside.
“You started without me?” Evan calls, jokingly.
Ryan gives him a hard time straight away for being late, and I feel that familiar pull to jump in, to say it was my fault, to start one of my usual, rumbling apologies. But then I look over my son’s shoulder, and the words just die in my chest.
Silence falls in the O’Connors’ hallway. Even our breathing seems to stop. It’s suddenly clear that our dirty little secret isn’t little at all.
My God. Was he always this gorgeous?
I haven’t seen him for a week, not since he slipped out of my house at the crack of dawn, and it’s been like a blackout ever since, as if the whole world was swallowed by dark, leaving no light at all, not even from the sun.
“Good evening, Doctor.” Ryan is the first to break the ice.
“Uh… hey, everyone. I just dropped Evan off. I’m heading out.”
“What’s the rush?” Casey asks. “You can stay two minutes.”
“I don’t want to intrude…”
“Martin!” Karen appears in the doorway. “Good to see you. We haven’t seen you in ages.”
“Sorry, Karen, you’re right. I’ve been busy.”
“At the hospital, I guess,” Nick provokes me.
“Pretty much.”
“You’re not leaving. Stay for dinner,” Karen insists.
“Thanks, but…”
“No buts. We’re all here, dinner is ready. We’ll just grab another chair.”
“I’ll get it,” Casey says.
“I don’t know…”
“You’re stuck now,” Evan whispers as he slips away from me.
“You want us to get the fuck out of here?” Ryan asks, totally unbothered.
“Ryan!” his mother snaps. “Where are your manners?”
“I just meant maybe the Doctor needs a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” Karen looks from Jamie to me and back again, her face lightening up like she’s just discovered the secret of the Holy Grail.
“Oh, but—”
“Not your fight, Mum,” Nick says, gently steering her off.
“I just wanted to…” Karen starts, searching for the words.
“You’ve done enough with us,” Nick tells her softly.
Karen lets him lead her away, and I’m left with Ryan and Jamie, who still hasn’t said a word.
“Should I leave you two alone?” Ryan says, being an extra dickhead today.
“Fuck you, O’Connor!” Jamie snaps, regaining his ability to speak just as I lose mine, because even his voice isn’t how I remember it.
Ryan laughs as he disappears into the kitchen. Jamie and I linger in the doorway, hands fidgeting, neither of us quite brave enough to meet the other’s gaze.
“So,” he says, clearing his throat. “Did you mess up the laptop?”
He’s taking the piss. We’re right back at square one.
“Shit happens.”
“Were you distracted by something interesting?” he teases.
“I fell asleep and knocked the mug.”
Well done, Martin. Let him know what a complete idiot you are.
Jamie smiles, and my knees threaten to give way.
Don’t do it, Captain. Don’t even smile at me, or I’ll never get you out of my system.
“I’m sorry you’re in this mess,” I say.
“Hmm?”
“I didn’t know you were there. I didn’t see your car in the driveway.”
“I parked on the other side of the road.”
“Otherwise, I wouldn’t have stopped.”
Jamie nods; the smile is gone. “Are you trying to avoid me?”
“What? No!”
“You literally just said that.”
“I just want to make things easier.”
“Do you honestly think not seeing each other makes it easier?”
The question catches me off guard.
“Does it actually help you? Does not seeing me really help?” He steps closer, his breath warm against my face. “Not seeing you is driving me insane, Doctor, but seeing you is even worse. Seeing you and not touching you…” He reaches for me, then pulls back. “It’s tearing me apart.”
“Er… excuse me.” A voice behind us makes us both turn. “I didn’t mean to interrupt,” James says. “But dinner’s ready.”
“No problem, James. We’re done,” I reply.
He turns and walks off. I start after him, but Jamie’s hand closes around my arm.
“Are we done?” he asks, his voice cracking. “Are we over, you and me?”
God, Captain. I would never choose to end us, but it’s better to live with a broken heart than have it ripped out of your chest.
“We have nothing left to say to each other.”