Chapter 46
Jamie
There are far too many of us crammed around this table; everyone’s talking over everyone else.
The voices crash together until they’re just noise.
I’ve no hope of catching what anyone’s actually saying.
My head is spinning, my chest is tight. I scan the table for the Doctor, but he’s miles away at the other end.
I can’t see his face, don’t know if he’s eating, if he’s looking at me, if he’s even breathing.
Damn O’Connors. I’m never letting them drag me into this house again. Now everyone knows our little secret — a secret that never should’ve existed in the first place.
“I have something to tell you.” Ian’s voice cuts through the noise.
Riley squeezes Ian’s hand in support while Ryan locks his gaze on his brother.
“I’ll be straight with you. This will be my last season.”
I watch closely, pulse hammering, waiting for the first sign that someone at the table is about to lose it.
“You know how it is,” Ian says, his voice shaking. “This has been my dream come true, because of all of you. But you have to know when to stop. It’s my time now.”
“This is bullshit!” Ryan’s the first to react; we all knew it the second the words left Ian’s mouth. He shoots to his feet. “You can’t just walk away like that.”
“I’m not walking away,” Ian replies calmly.
“Yes, you are! There’s still time. Lads are still playing at forty!”
“Don’t push it, Ryan,” Nick cuts in.
“Ah, shut the fuck up! You knew, didn’t you?”
“I didn’t. I’m hearing it now, the same as you.”
“And you’ve nothing to say?” Ryan presses.
“I prefer to listen first,” Nick replies.
“Guys,” Karen tries to calm the brothers. “This is not the time for one of your carry-ons.”
“And you, Riley? Have you nothing to say?” Ryan asks my sister.
“I don’t get to decide for him, Ryan.”
“What about you, Jamie?” He speaks to me now.
“It’s his call. All we can do is respect it and back him up.”
“No fucking way!” Ryan has completely lost it. “You can’t decide something like that on your own!”
“It’s his life, Ryan, not yours,” Chris says gently.
“We… we’re…” Ryan presses a fist to his mouth. “You can’t do this. You can’t give up everything… You can’t give up on me.”
And there goes Dickhead Number Two, folding like a Jenga tower.
“After everything we’ve been through… You can’t leave me on my own.” His voice breaks.
Chris reaches for his arm to calm him, but Ryan jerks away and storms out of the room.
“I’ll go after him,” Chris says, pushing back from the table and heading out after Ryan.
“Don’t be upset,” Karen tells Ian. “You know how Ryan is.”
Ian nods, thinking it over.
“He’ll get over it, you’ll see. He just needs time to adjust,” Karen adds.
“Maybe I should talk to him,” Ian says.
“Let him cool off first,” Nick interjects. “It’s harder for him; he takes everything personally.”
“It hits him harder,” the Doctor cuts in. “Ian is Ryan’s older brother; they played side by side. For Ryan, having his hero right next to him is like a dream come true… No offence, Nick.”
Nick snorts and folds his arms across his chest.
“For him, it’s like losing something essential,” the Doctor continues.
“And how did you come to that conclusion, Doctor?” Nick’s tone sharpens; he’s not buying the hero talk.
“I could see it in the way he looked at him, in the urge to run over and hug him instead of roaring at him, and in the raw sorrow in his eyes. He knew this was the end of a perfect moment, one he’d never get back.”
An awkward silence falls over the table. The Doctor’s face flushes, and he starts fidgeting in his chair.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stick my nose into your family business,” the Doctor says.
“You didn’t,” James reassures him.
“Ryan hides what he feels so he won’t seem vulnerable.” The words spill out of me before I can stop them.
I look up and finally meet the Doctor’s beautiful eyes again.
“He puts on a tough act, but in the end, he’s just afraid of his own emotions and where they might drag him.”
The Doctor looks at me; I imagine the rest of the family does too, but I only care about his eyes. I just hope he understands what I’m really trying to say.
To him, and only to him.
“It’s a defence mechanism, the kind that can push you to tear yourself apart with your own hands. But he’s lucky. He has a family who know him better than he realises, who know you never give up, even when all hope seems gone,” I say.
Silence falls again, heavier this time, because it comes after my little speech and because everyone here knows I’m not really talking about Ryan.
“It’s not exactly nice talking about people when they’re not present.” Ryan’s voice cuts through the moment.
Ian immediately stands, but Ryan lifts a hand.
“Not now. I just need a minute.”
Ian sits back. “Take all the time you need.”
Ryan and Chris take their places at the table again, but this time Ryan sits next to the Doctor, with Chris right after. I hope he didn’t do this to stick a fork into his leg from under the table to make him pay for meddling in the family business.
“Nice speech, Dad,” Evan says to the Doctor, absolutely taking the piss. “You made an impression, especially on one person.”
I cough loudly, but no one is paying attention to me. Everyone’s too busy hanging on whatever Evan is saying to his father, and if I can hear it, the whole table can.
“His speech wasn’t bad either, especially considering we all know he wasn’t talking about Ryan,” Evan continues.
Shit.
“Of course not,” Ryan adds, making the Doctor flinch. “He used me for his pathetic confession.”
“And for the record,” Evan drops his voice even lower, “he’s still staring at you.”
Ah, for fuck’s sake.
“Oh, he can’t take his eyes off you, Doctor,” Ryan says.
“Don’t you dare turn around. Keep this tough-man act going. I’d say you’ve hit the jackpot,” Ryan goes on.
“I don’t have to do anything at all,” the Doctor says.
“Apparently, the Captain isn’t as much of an idiot as he looks, if he’s realised what kind of person you are,” Evan says.
Are they actually talking about me while I’m sitting right here in front of them?
“Don’t ruin it. Enjoy the glory, but keep it quiet. Have a bit of dignity,” Evan doesn’t stop.
“Holy shit, Doctor, does your son really have to spell this out for you?” Ryan calls from the far side of the table.
I don’t know whether to laugh at Evan’s deadly sincerity or worry about how freely he’s slinging his father’s business and mine out in the open.
There’s serious business here, top priority, and I plan to take care of it as soon as possible.
And I don’t know whether to be more afraid of this rare moment of Ryan’s sanity, or of the moment he decides to use it all against the Doctor or against me at the first opportunity he gets.
The Doctor fixes his attention on his plate, ignoring everything around him. As he goes back to cutting his meat, someone drops a steak onto it.
“Today, the last steak is yours,” Ryan says. “You’ve earned it. But don’t get used to it; you’re still on probation, got it?”
The Doctor lifts his gaze but doesn’t look at Ryan. No fucking way. That look is mine, and I’m taking every last bit of it.
I know how you feel, Doctor. I feel it too.
For the first time since I walked into this mad, unmanageable family, I don’t feel picked on, out of place, or out of my mind. I feel at home.
And you do too.
I watch the brothers arguing in the garden through the kitchen window.
“They’re three dickheads,” James says beside me. “But they have good hearts.”
“You must be proud.”
“I am.”
“Yours is a big, crazy family.”
“True. And I like that. The chaos, even the fights, because then they lead to moments like this.” He nods towards the garden.
Ian goes in for a hug, but Ryan pulls back.
Nick gives Ryan a playful shove, which frustrates him and distracts him.
The distraction lets Ian grab him and pull him close.
Nick laughs it off, then throws his hands in the air and launches himself at them.
The three of them stand there in the garden, hugging like a bunch of kids who have just fought over whose toy cars are better and then made up.
“It’s not easy to think that one day you won’t be there to make sure they don’t kill each other. I know they’re grown up now and should be able to think for themselves, but I’m their father, and I can’t help but worry about their future.”
I clench my jaw, swallowing James’ words without spewing all my hatred at him. I don’t know what a father does; I only know what mine did to us.
“The only thing that heartens me is knowing they will be together, have each other’s backs, be there for each other. And now there are these wonderful people who have become part of our family.”
I nod, a sharp ache in my chest.
“Everyone will be okay.”
“I’m sure of it,” I mutter.
“And then there’s you.”
“Me?”
“You’ll help them keep their eyes on what matters.”
“I’m not that wise.”
“That might be half true.”
I look at him curiously.
“You can see many things, but not what you actually want to see.”
“I don’t follow you, James.”
“The Doctor gave a lovely speech.”
So that’s where he’s going with this.
“He’s a good man,” James adds.
I nod. My jaw tightens; the words choke me. If I open my mouth, the secret will spill out and tear this house apart as well.
“And… well, I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”
Holy fucking shit.
“And the way you look at him.”
Ah, James, you want to play with my life as if I were one of your children, but I have nothing to do with you.
“You heard what we said.” I go straight to the point, trying to put an end to his attempt to settle me down.
“Hearing is overrated. Words are too, half the time. But eyes, Jamie, they tell you everything. And we’ve heard yours. Even Ryan, or he wouldn’t have given him his steak.”
I shake my head.
“When you make those speeches, try giving them to the right person. Don’t pretend they’re for someone else just because you’re afraid.”
“I was talking about Ryan.”
“Sure you were.”
“It’s the truth,” I say, feeling accused as I try to justify myself.
“Whatever you say, Jamie. But look.” He turns me towards the kitchen, where the Doctor has just walked in with Casey.
They’re chatting about something that happened in the hospital as they set the glasses on the counter. Then Casey opens the dishwasher and starts loading it. The Doctor thanks Karen again for the dinner. He’s done that at least ten times already.
“What am I looking at?” I ask, lost.
“Don’t use your eyes this time,” he says softly. “Use something else. I think he’s a bit out of practice. Time to get it going again.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
James doesn’t answer. He turns back to his sons, leaving me there, staring into the kitchen.
There’s nothing remarkable about the scene — only the Doctor is in it.
He drags everything towards himself: my attention, my energy, my strength, even the blood in my veins.
Then he turns towards me, as if he can feel my gaze on him, and smiles.
The smile is a little awkward, like it was the first few times, back when I hadn’t yet been an arsehole.
And suddenly, the ground drops out from under me.
Am I breathing or panting? Having a panic attack, or just dying?
“You see it now,” James says, without even turning around.
I shake my head, unable to look away.
I don’t just see it.
I feel it. Smell it. Taste it. Touch it. Without taking a step. Without moving a muscle. Or maybe I’ve used just one: the only one I haven’t trained in years. The one that’s suddenly desperate to get back in shape, and fast.