Chapter 76
Jamie
When I reach his door, my courage vanishes.
I lift my hand to knock, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I step back, run my hands through my hair, and wonder how I ended up like this — so weak, everything I was is falling apart, all because of a pair of dark eyes, open arms, and a smile that could undo me.
When did I stop being Jamie the Captain and go back to being just Jamie Kennedy?
Does it even make sense to ask myself these questions now? To rake my brain, let guilt eat at me, let fear assail me?
Fear.
I haven’t been afraid in years, and now I’m falling apart again. I’m not even sure why.
I’m afraid to confront him, to tell him the truth, to tell him how I feel. Or maybe I’m just afraid he’ll slam the door in my face and tell me I’m too late. Maybe he won’t let me try to be what I really wish I could be.
For him.
Only for him.
I’m afraid he’ll tell me he doesn’t want to play anymore.
God, I’ve made so many mistakes. I can’t even count the ways I’ve hurt him, or say for sure if I have the strength to face what comes next. To face his rejection. To accept that he might take my stupid heart and throw it away, hoping it finally breaks for good.
I’m terrified.
I feel like I’m about to fall apart.
I never break, not even when I have every reason to.
I’ve never felt this weak before. The fear isn’t for myself — it’s because something that matters more than anything is at stake. The only thing that’s ever given my life meaning.
I’m tired of being the Captain everyone expects. I’m tired of being the proud brother, the funny uncle, the advice-giving friend, the teammate who pushes you in training or picks you up when you fall.
Now I just want to be one thing.
And I can only be that with him.
Suddenly, the door swings open in front of me. I don’t think I knocked. Maybe I’m confused, or maybe I’m not really here. He’s not standing there with that lost-puppy look.
Or maybe I’m just losing it.
He leans against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. He wears a contrite expression, but I know it’s bullshit. He’s not angry with me; he doesn’t want to punch or kick me.
He can’t even pretend.
He is hurt. He is disappointed. His warm, intense hazel eyes are now clouded, tired of bearing, tired of justifying.
Tired of meeting mine. My eyes are always cold and distant. His never were, because he is real. He appears as he is. He doesn’t have two faces, two lives, or two personalities. He is simply himself, and he never needs to be anyone else.
Because he’s perfect as he is.
And he’s not afraid.
All I’ve ever done is let him down, hurt him, and make him feel worthless. I have to do it so I don’t feel like nothing next to him. With him, I become myself again. But that self still feels like nothing.
Jamie Kennedy is nothing; that’s why he doesn’t exist anymore. Still, he went looking for him. He was sure he could find whatever was left and bring him back.
That’s what he does, with those magic hands and that big heart.
He brings you back to life.
He tried to bring me back to life so many times. He never gave up; he’s not a quitter. He’s a fighter to the very end. He will give everything to save you.
He did it for me, even knowing he would lose from the start.
Then he speaks, because he knows I can’t. He knows this, too.
He knows everything.
He speaks, and my world falls apart in front of him. It turns to dust at his feet.
He speaks, and takes the air out of me.
He speaks, and takes away my hope.
“It’s late, Captain. And I no longer want to play with you.”
What do I do? What do I say? How can I keep him a little longer?
He’s tired of my silence and jokes. He doesn’t know what to do with the Captain.
He wants Jamie. The only way he’ll listen is if I make him talk.
“Will you hide me?”
He stops the door before closing it.
“Please, can you hide me?” I ask again.
This is my desperate plea.
He opens the door again and steps in front of me.
Now, my punishment is his as well.
“What should I hide you from?”
“From me.”
He slowly shakes his head.
“My name is Jamie Kennedy.” Just saying my surname makes the walls shake.
“I died years ago. I was dead. But you wanted to find me. You dug your nails in, set out on a desperate search. You found me. I thought I could cast you away with everything else. I wanted to throw you in a corner to rot, lost among all the things that can’t touch me.
But not you. You refused to sit in the dark.
You had to show me all your fucking light.
I was drawn to you like an insect beating itself against glass, never realising there was a barrier in the way. ”
I see his first tear and inevitably release mine.
“It hurt to be with you. It consumed me, tortured me, and slowly killed me all over again. But I still wanted more. I wanted to know what it felt like. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel you.”
I lean my hand against the doorframe to support myself.
“But the end had to come; I had to make it come. That’s how it works, that’s how I work.
I leave behind everything that wants to stay.
I crush it, destroy it, pulverise it, until nothing is left.
Anything that could drag me back to who I used to be, because I can’t be that person again. Do you understand?”
I step away from the door and back up. I hold my head in my hands, afraid it might burst.
“You… you brought me back. I had to send you away before you could see who I was. I hoped to kill him again, far from you. But I’m hurting. It hurts…”
I drop to my knees, and he kneels beside me.
“I don’t know how, Doctor. I don’t know how to love. I don’t know how to reciprocate something so pure. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know if I can do it. And I want to die. I want to live. I want to die again…”
He cups my face in his hands and makes me look at him.
“I said you were an obsession because my sick mind saw it that way, because I didn’t know what else it could be, because I had no other definition. I don’t know any other way.”
I grab his wrists and squeeze them tightly.
“I lost everything. I lost myself, too. I came here because this is the only place with any light. You, you are… Christ, you are all the fucking light. But I’m wrong.
I’m a mistake. Still, there’s light here.
There’s you. This is the only place I want to be, even if it terrifies me the most. All I want is your love, even if I can’t give you mine. ”
The Doctor pulls me close to his chest.
“I still want it. Even if it hurts, I want it.”
“I would never want to give you something that could hurt you.”
“But I can’t do it without it. It hurts either way.”
He holds me tightly, and I melt into his arms, but the fear stays, and the pain is overwhelming.
“Hide me.”
The wall is falling apart, and I know it’s about to collapse. I just hope the dust won’t suffocate us both.
I raise my head and look at him.
“Please, Martin. Will you hide me?”
Now his hazel eyes fill with tears.
“I need you to hide me. Keep me here, please. Let me stay.”
“Shh… It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“It won’t. It never does.”
“I swear it will be this time.”
“You can’t make promises like that. You don’t know… You don’t understand.”
“Do you want to know how I know it will be okay?”
“Because I’m here now, and you don’t have to carry any of this alone.”
“Are you?” I ask, like a child who needs to be found and brought home.
“I am your Doctor. And I will take care of you.”