Chapter 77
Martin
We step into the house, and I help him lie down on the sofa. He’s tense, terrified, and can’t stop shaking. I kneel next to him and take his hand. Only when he feels my touch does he finally look at me again.
Hey, Captain. Not seeing you every day hurts, but seeing you like this breaks me.
God, you’re a mess. What happened? What did they do to you? What’s left of you?
Please, talk to me. Say something, anything. If you reach out to me, I promise I’ll be here. You won’t have to face this alone.
He doesn’t speak. He just looks at me, silently begging me to do something for him. All I can do is keep him close and try to make him feel safe. The only sound in the room is his uneven breathing. Ever since he showed up at my door, I haven’t felt like I can breathe either.
“Hey.” I caress his face gently. “You’re shaking.”
“It’ll pass.”
“What can I do?”
“Stay here.”
“I am at home,” I say with a small smile.
“Don’t go, please. I can’t make it if you go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
He nods, his gaze dropping to my hand resting over his. Instinctively, I follow his eyes.
“It’s magic,” he whispers.
“What are you talking about?”
“I always thought your hands were magic, capable of performing miracles. But I was afraid they wouldn’t work on me.”
“My hands aren’t magic.”
“Oh yes, they are. Look.”
“You’re not trembling anymore.” As I realise this, another tear slips down my face.
“Now, though, you’re the one shaking.”
He takes my hand and lays it on his chest. Looking at me with the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen, he quietly asks, “Can you heal this, too, Doctor?”
“Oh God, Jamie.”
“Can you heal me, Martin?”
I lean in and rest my forehead against his.
“I’ll do my best.”
In the middle of the night, I wake and realise Jamie is no longer beside me.
I push myself up on the sofa, rub the sleep from my eyes, and hear sounds coming from my bedroom.
I stand, pad barefoot to the doorway, and peer inside.
The bed is empty, but the noises continue.
I turn towards the closet and hear soft moans — almost like muffled sobs — coming from within.
Heart thudding, I step closer and slowly ease the door open.
Jamie is crouched on the floor of my closet, his knees pulled to his chest, his head resting on his arms. He’s sobbing softly and rocking back and forth.
I kneel in front of him and gently touch his arm.
As soon as my fingers brush his skin, he flinches and presses himself against the wall.
“It’s me. It’s just me.”
When he focuses on my face, the tears stop. “I have to stay hidden.”
“Okay,” I tell him calmly.
“I can’t come out. I have to hide, you see?”
I slowly slip into the closet and sit down next to him. “Then I’ll hide with you.”
“Really?” he asks incredulously.
I force a broken smile, even as I ache to weep beside him. “I won’t leave you alone, Jamie. Not now, not ever.”
I put my arm around his shoulders and gently guide him until his head rests against mine. He’s still shaking, but at least he stops rocking.
“Do you want me to close the door?”
“If you are there, it can stay open.”
I take a deep breath. “May I ask why you’re hiding in the closet?”
“Because I am afraid.”
“And when you’re afraid, you hide in the closet?”
He nods. “But I haven’t been afraid for a long time.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“Me.” He lifts his head and looks at me. “I’m afraid of me.”
I swear my heart just split in two right here in my closet.
“I don’t want to be that kid anymore.”
“You are not a kid.”
“When I’m with you, I go back to being him.”
“And is that bad?”
“He is afraid, and he is weak, and he is… Nothingness. That’s why I killed him.
I did it. I was sure I was dead, yet I am still bleeding.
Do you see?” he says, staring at his hands.
“And do you know why I am still bleeding? Because you pulled me out of the ground. You shouldn’t have done that.
You shouldn’t have tried to revive me. You should have left me there. ”
He starts sobbing again, and I do too.
“I don’t understand why I feel so broken, why my heart is crying again, why it’s breaking again, and why it can’t accept not having you, yet it can’t accept your fucking love either.
And I can’t be without it anymore. Do you understand?
Even though I know it’s all wrong, even though I know this is only the beginning of the end.
I’m lost. I don’t know who I am anymore, what I’m doing, what’s left…
I knew I had to come here because maybe you can help me understand, maybe you can bring me home.
I am here, and I shouldn’t have come, because being here in front of you doesn’t mean the war is over, that I survived, that everything will be okay now. ”
“Oh, Jesus, Jamie. Look at me.” I take his face in my hands.
“You are all the fucking light, and I can’t see anything but you.”
“Then look at me. Just look at me. Let me take you back.”
He closes his eyes and starts crying again.
“Let me try. Let me love that little kid, because I’m sure he deserves all the love in this world.”
He opens his eyes again. I wipe his tears.
“Yours. All I need is yours.”
“And you fucking have it, Jamie! Can you not see how much I love you?”
“Do you love me even if I can never love you?”
“Oh, my sweet Captain. You love me already. That’s love, you know?”
“Is it love that makes you cry like this?”
“In everything you do, there is love, even when you take the piss out of me.”
“I meant it that night. It was the truth.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You are the first, Martin.”
I take deep breaths to keep from crying and flooding my fucking closet.
“And you will also be the last.”