Chapter 28 #3
He wasn’t looking right at her. He was frozen. I’d never seen him this still, and if I had any doubts about his feelings before, they were answered now.
You didn’t react like this if you didn’t care.
“Do you mind if we chat for a minute?” She flicked a glance to me, dismissive, before looking back to him.
Pace, who had his gaze locked on some distant point above all our heads, broke the stare to look at me, an expression I’d never seen before—closed off, almost angry. “Do you mind?” he asked me.
I couldn’t tell if he wanted me to beg him to stay or push him to go. With everybody’s awaiting gaze, there was no way to keep him here, but selfishly, I didn’t want him to go with her. I had this bad feeling that if he left my side now, everything would fall apart.
Instead, I just said, “No. Of course not. Go ahead.”
I squeezed his hands, and he bent to brush a kiss along my cheek. I let out a low, slow breath as he released my hands and turned.
He began to walk away without another word, as if on autopilot, then he turned back and said, “I’ll be right back. Don’t go. I’ll just—I’ll be right back.”
He shot a look at Levi as though he would hold me down to keep me from bolting.
“I’m not leaving,” I said, holding Pace’s gaze.
Kaylee smoothed her shining hair over her shoulder and spun away.
I watched them move through the crowd, not quite as one but smoothly, like a boat through still water, causing ripples of gossip in their wake.
It was impossible not to notice how good they looked together. How right. I could practically hear the thoughts of everyone they passed.
Those two were always meant to be.
So romantic.
I’ve always hoped they’d find their way back together.
It just makes sense.
The jealousy took me by absolute surprise. The crushing pain of rejection, sure, that was to be expected, but the rage I felt wasn’t typical.
He was mine. I knew him better than anyone.
And yet she was the looming figure of his past that sat in every unspoken conversation.
This was the piece of himself he kept locked away, not wanting me to see.
I was sure of it. If he had told me his biggest fears, would they forever revolve around losing her?
What an absolutely shitty time to realize I wanted to tell him I was head over heels in love with him.
Why hadn’t I told him? Made him talk about it.
Why didn’t I force the conversation this morning when we had our arms wrapped around each other and he traced freckles on my knees with his tongue?
Where was this clarity then? Or the countless times we sat side by side on the couch, him reading his pulp fiction and me trying and failing to crochet small animals for the shop?
Kaylee and Pace stood on the edge of the room, partially hidden from sight.
I could go up to them now. I could walk right up and stake my claim.
He’d said that he liked it when I did that at the fire, but then what .
. . Is that what he would want? Pace was a good man, and what would this proclamation do to him?
Would he feel some sense of obligation to me since we had sex this morning?
Or to her, since they were each other’s first everything?
No. I wanted to be somebody’s first choice, not an obligation. I wanted the person who left no room for any doubt. I wanted no secrets and no masks. I felt, for once, that I deserved it.
It was so easy to say that, but as the murmurs around me grew louder, I felt myself weaken. I wanted to leave. It was too much. But I told him I wouldn’t run away. He asked me to stay. I had to stick this out.
Even though it super sucked.
It was hard to know if this was paranoia of the low self-esteem variety or if something was really going on.
Levi frowned when he met Claire’s gaze.
I’d had enough of being on tonight. It wasn’t just this. I was suddenly so tired I could hardly stand. My bed and its warm cocoon of blankets called to me. I would sleep for a week.
“Whatever is going through your head right now, I promise you, Pace does not love her,” Levi said. There was something about what he wasn’t saying that he implored with his eyes.
Every emotion must have been written on my face. Claire excused herself with a mumble before walking away.
“Levi, you don’t have—” I started.
“I know what this looks like. The love of his life has returned, but trust me when I say that Pace has not mentioned her in years.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re looking to the exit like it can save you.”
“That obvious?” I huffed a sad laugh.
“Trust me, I know that feeling all too well. But Pace talks about you. He wants to be with you.”
Levi was the most worked up I’ve ever seen him.
But I needed to hear this from Pace. I needed him to open himself up to me.
And how long would I need to wait?
“Levi.” I smiled. “I’m not going to do anything. I just—I can feel that there are still parts of himself he isn’t ready to share. And that’s okay. I’m just tired. When Pace is ready, he’ll tell me.”
Levi’s face twisted in sad understanding. He didn’t argue with that. If I had to guess, I bet Levi felt Pace closing himself off too.
I let myself trust that what Levi said was true. That I wasn’t being paranoid. But even as I tried to force myself to calm down, the whispers grew louder all around us.
Studying the crowd, my growing worries made my stomach curl with dread.
People stared, wide-eyed, at their phones.
A couple a few feet away said something I couldn’t make out to each other before they glanced up, searched the room, and found me.
There was no way I was imagining their quick glances away when I caught them staring.
Claire rushed over, worry in her features.
I wanted to leave.
Now.
Levi’s focus moved across the room, seemingly picking up on the same energy. “What’s—”
I pulled out my phone with clammy hands as a sense of dread made my limbs feel like they were filled with cement.
I fumbled the password and couldn’t press the buttons right, like in a stress dream.
There was an alert that I had been tagged on the city’s social media page.
The ringing in my ears grew louder, blaring over all the sounds of whispering around me.
My stomach clenched in a punch of shock at what I saw.
It was my list. Online.
Is this the one you were looking for? Grandma El must have been trying to message me, but she’d tagged me and posted the list on the city’s main page, where everybody could see.
A choked sob of shock escaped me. Claire and Levi huddled in to shield me, but it made me feel more claustrophobic and horrified. I couldn’t stand there another second. I couldn’t handle the looks and whispers.
The list was out there. The whole town could judge me for my ineptitude.
I searched for Pace, desperate to seek him out, but I couldn’t find him. He was gone with Kaylee.
I stumbled backward, needing to hide, distantly aware of Levi and Claire calling me.
But rational thought was gone. Nothing sank in.
I was both numb and vividly aware of every moment.
Why had the night moved so quickly, only to slow to a glacial pace now?
My body moved as though pushing through molasses.
My senses were delayed. My icy hands shook so much I could barely put my phone back in my clutch. I had to leave.
I searched for the exit and moved.
I stumbled when a couple of people blocked my retreat. I tried to step around them, but my motor functions weren’t my own. I couldn’t make any simple decisions when my brain was like this. I stood frozen. Forced to hear their conversation.
“Now it makes sense,” Vicky Lambert said.
“Be nice,” another woman whispered in response, half-laughing.
“I did wonder why he would spend any time with her. But of course, he was doing his civic duty to help the pathetic and needy,” Vicky said and then cackled.
Did they really not see me? Or was this cruelty I couldn’t comprehend?
A sharp intake of breath came out of me, causing them to turn around. Glasses of champagne in their hands, their eyebrows raised in surprise and maybe a hint of shame, before masks of indifference slid back into place.
“Sophie,” Vicky said, as though she were happy to see me and hadn’t been just talking shit. Her gaze moved up and down me. “You look . . . unrecognizable.”
I wanted to say all the things to her. I wanted to scream, cry, and yell at her for being so awful. But nothing came out.
I lifted the hem of my dress and walked away with as much dignity as I could. Not that there was any left. I would not break until I was home safe. I would not.
My absolute worst fear had come true. Every pitying wince I pretended not to see as I walked away told me what I already knew.
I should have never written that stupid list. I hadn’t changed at all. Nothing had.
I was doomed to be forever broken and alone.