Chapter Three #2
Being the manager of the household staff, Elizabeth stayed in quarters at the palace. Birdie had been to visit a few times for tea, but she had never been dragged in like she was being reprimanded.
“I’m all right,” she said.
Elizabeth ushered her into the small cozy room and closed the door.
“I’ve suspected for some time that things weren’t right,” she said, looking at Birdie meaningfully.
And then her eyes dropped down to Birdie’s midsection.
It was getting more and more difficult for her to hide.
The growing bump on her small frame was starting to get obvious.
She had taken to thickening her waistline just slightly with a roll of cotton so that the space between her rib cage and her stomach wasn’t quite so pronounced.
One looked a bit like weight gain; the other looked purely like pregnancy.
“Everything will be all right,” she said.
“Birdie,” Elizabeth said. “I’m only going to ask you this once, and I do expect you to be truthful with me. Are you pregnant?”
Birdie stood silent for a long time, then she went and sat in the floral armchair by the fireplace.
She picked at the doily that was resting over the forest-green fabric, her heart thundering so hard she could hardly bring herself to speak.
But she knew that if she could tell anyone, it was Elizabeth.
She was truly frightened now. Because he was looking for another wife, and she hadn’t mustered up the courage to speak to him.
She didn’t know if she ever would. If she ever could.
The pain of him not recognizing her was… It was excruciating. The longer it went on the more it hurt. That first day she had felt like he’d hit her square in the chest when he’d looked at her and seen nothing. But she’d been so shocked that the full weight of it hadn’t fully settled in.
Since then, she’d managed to make herself angry. Devastated. Filled with denial, sometimes. And the time was passing, whether she made a decision about what to do or not.
She was just hiding. Everything. From everyone.
“Yes,” she said. “I am.”
It was a relief to admit it. Because she’d been keeping it to herself.
Hadn’t admitted it out loud to anyone. It made it all feel unreal to her.
Except her body was changing every day. She felt the symptoms, the exhaustion.
And eventually she knew she wasn’t going to be able to hide it anymore.
She’d always worn her uniform large, to make it easier to move around, and that was about the only thing saving her from exposure now.
Except now she was exposed.
“And your mother?”
“My stepmother,” she corrected.
“Does she know?”
Birdie shook her head. “That would require the lady to look at me on any given morning before I leave the house, and she rarely ever does that. Not a complaint, I assure you. But I don’t think she’s aware enough of me to observe anything.”
“Good. And the father?”
Birdie clasped her hands in her lap. “I haven’t told him.”
“Birdie, it looks to me that you are a few months gone.”
Birdie nodded. “I am. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t… He’s not someone that I can just speak to.”
“Tell me everything,” Elizabeth said.
“I… It was the night of the queen’s funeral.” She looked down at her hands. “I just wanted to comfort him. I just… He’s so… He means so much to me and I thought he needed me.”
“Birdie,” she said, looking so sad and sympathetic it killed Birdie more than if she’d been angry or disapproving. “I know you care very much for the king. I’ve watched you for years. I know that you adore him. But… He wouldn’t… You work in the palace.”
“He doesn’t know it was me,” she said quickly.
“It was dark in the room, I knew it was him, because of course I did, because I… I care about him. I’ve served him for all these years.
I thought for sure he must know. But then when I came to serve him the next day he didn’t recognize me.
” A tear slid down her cheeks. “It didn’t matter who I was. ”
“My dear, he didn’t force himself on you.” Her words were steely and direct.
“No!” Her eyes went wide, and flew to Elizabeth’s.
“I wanted to do something for him. I wanted to be there for him. I’m the one who caused all of this.
And now he… He’s looking for a wife. I just overheard him in the office.
He was talking to Andrei Ardelean. They’re planning on having everyone back, all of the nobles, and he’s going to choose a wife at this big masked ball. ”
Elizabeth looked shocked. “It’s only been five months since the queen’s death.”
“I know. They had that entire discussion. It’s all in service of finding someone and delaying the wedding for a year or so.
But making sure that it’s… What do I do?
Do I just tell him? I… I can’t bear the rejection.
What if he laughs at me? Doesn’t believe me.
He doesn’t have any inkling it was me. I’m in his study every day and I feel alive with it, with the knowledge of what happened between us and he… he barely looks at me.”
“My dear,” Elizabeth said. “I am so sorry.”
“I can’t imagine that he’s going to be happy when he finds out that he’s having a child with me.
I’m nothing. I’m no one. It’s so ridiculous to him that he would’ve ever slept with a maid that he looked me full in the face after being inside of me and…
” She squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m sorry. I’m saying more than I mean to.”
Elizabeth knelt down beside her. “Heartbreak is a terrible thing, my dear, and it’s all right for you to acknowledge that you were very intimate with him, and it hurts you that he doesn’t see you like you do him. It certainly isn’t too much for me to hear.”
“Thank you,” she said.
“There’s only one thing to be done.”
“What?”
“He needs to recognize you.”
“What? It’s a masked ball and I can’t go anyway!”
“I have an idea,” she said, tapping her chin. “You need to go to the ball.”
“But I can’t. I won’t be invited.”
“You weren’t invited to the funeral either. You were working. But it’s easy, once you’re already in the palace, to steal into any room you like. As you well know.”
Her cheeks went hot. “I suppose so.”
“If he recognizes you, if he sees you and he knows, then he might realize who you are.”
“Do you really think so?”
“You could tell him. You can march right up to the office and show him you’re pregnant. You could let him see for himself. Or you can make it so he sees you as he did that night.”
“And how is that, do you think?”
“You were exactly what he needed, dear girl. If he thinks that that’s going to come in the form of an aristocratic woman, then present yourself to him that way. Once he knows, once he sees that you’re both, he won’t be able to deny you.”
“Or,” she said, “he’ll hate me forever.”
“My dear, there are some sad truths about women who bear the issue of kings when they’re not married, especially when they’re not from the same class.
I have deep respect for King Onyx, but he is a king.
And a man besides. There is always the risk that he won’t acknowledge the child as legitimate.
That he may style you as a nanny. Or that he may make you a mistress.
That your son will have to exist in the shadows. ”
Birdie knew that. Deep down she did, and there was no reason for her to believe that it would actually be any different.
Because no one in her life treated her like she deserved to be anywhere but in the shadows.
That was the truth of it. Her stepmother despised her.
Her stepsisters saw her as nothing more than a servant.
They would be doing everything they could to finagle an invitation to the ball, even though they hadn’t been at the funeral. Trying to get themselves on the invite list. Trying to get themselves in front of the king. If her stepmother knew that she was having the king’s baby she would be outraged.
“You can’t hide forever,” Elizabeth said. “Or you can. You could leave. You could never speak of it again. You could go and raise your child alone. Not risk yourself.”
Birdie shook her head. “No. I’ll do it. I’ll go to the ball. But I don’t… I don’t have anything to wear.”
Elizabeth smiled. “I have just the thing.”
That was how Birdie found herself being ushered out of Elizabeth’s quarters, into a wing of the palace that she had rarely ever been in. “You know,” Elizabeth said. “I served the queen. Not Queen Circe, Onyx’s mother.”
She hadn’t fully appreciated ever that Elizabeth must have known everyone in the palace for years. That she would’ve known Onyx when he was a child.
“Oh.”
“She has the most glorious wardrobe, still here in the palace. And there’s one gown… It would suit you so well, Birdie.”
“I can’t wear the…the dead queen’s dress?”
“What better time? She would have liked you very much. She was such a brave woman. You know, she was common in many ways.”
“She was the village leader’s daughter,” Birdie said. “Of the disenfranchised people that lived in the mountains. Before they unified the country. She was royalty, in her circle.”
“Yes. But not in the way the crown had ever acknowledged it before. What she was, was an incredibly brave, strong young woman who took a chance. Even when it was frightening. And she would’ve seen you, she would’ve seen how much you cared for her son.
I don’t wish to speak ill of anyone who has passed.
But Onyx’s wife didn’t… He married for duty. ”
“The queen was lovely,” Birdie said softly.
It was one of the things that had always made her feel so guilty about her crush on the king. Circe had been kind to everyone who worked in the palace. Funny, bold and fashionable, there had been nothing to dislike about her.
“In some ways. She wasn’t compatible with the king. At least not to my eyes.”
That wasn’t something Birdie had seen. She’d thought they were a beautiful couple. So much so that it hurt.
“I have no children of my own,” Elizabeth said.
“But I have watched Onyx since he was a boy. And I’ve cared for you since you’ve come here.
I would rather see you on the throne, Birdie, by his side, than any of these noblewomen that might be invited.
And you’re the one having the heir. No, we can’t guarantee that everything will work out. But we must have courage.”
She opened up the vast wardrobe, and Birdie walked inside, the array of ball gowns that glittered before her stunning. Elizabeth walked to the back and pulled out a lavender confection of a gown, with lilac netting, and gold vines twining down the bodice. “Oh,” she said. “It’s beautiful.”
“It will do its job covering up your bump.”
“Won’t he recognize it?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Try it on.”
So she did, and stood before the mirror, barely recognizing herself.
“Leave your hair down,” Elizabeth said.
Her hair had been down that night. He pushed his fingers through it. It was wild, far too untamed to let it be down during her workday. But that had been perfect for making love to him.
“All right,” she said. “I’ll do it.”
She truly didn’t have a choice.
“The day of the ball, I’ll help get you ready. And then I’ll position you so that you can enter the ballroom.”
“Thank you,” she said. “I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”
“Sometimes a girl just needs a little help,” she said. “And a few granted wishes.”
Her stomach was tied up in knots. And she wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to handle any of this.
But she had to try. She had to have courage.
If he would just recognize her, if he could just know, then maybe all of the feelings that he felt that night would come back up.
And he would feel the same thing that she did.
It was the only hope for her. For him.
And for their baby.