16. Jamie
It wassafe to say “making out” with Bailey had thrown me for a loop. All the things I thought I knew about my best friend? Yeah, I didn’t know crap. I knew she was good at video games and could run like the wind. I knew she was smart and funny, and I could count on her when I needed someone to have my back. I knew she’d shoot me straight if I lied to myself about anything, even if she knew it would make me angry. For years, Bailey had been my pal, my bud.
Then, with a few well-placed words while walking down our very own street, I experienced a complete flip in perspective. It wasn’t that she’d changed; she hadn’t. I had. I had no explanation for why I couldn’t see what was right in front of me, but the truth was thatwhere Bailey was concerned and our friendship—I’d been stuck in the fifth grade for the last seven years.
And now I had to wonder if the same had been true for her. I guess I had to believe that her feelings were already light years ahead of mine. Otherwise, why would she have come up with this plan? If the idea was to help me understand that spending intimate time with someone kissing brought on feelings that ultimately led to a sense of commitment, then by doing what we were doing, Bailey and I should develop feelings for each other, the kind that led to commitment.
But it didn’t have to work that way. Lots of people kissed without falling in love. Didn’t they? Maybe what Bailey was getting at was that the feelings didn’t always have to be that of romantic love. Maybe what she meant was the development of a deeper connection. If two random people hook up without prior knowledge of each other, by the power of their physical connection, would they develop an emotional one? Wasn’t that what she’d told me she wanted to prove?
But what about Bailey and me? We already had an emotional connection. I loved her as much as I could love another person. At least, I thought I did. Maybe I didn’t have a lot of experience with love. My mom loved me. My dad did. And I loved them. I loved Dallin like the brother I never had. But Bailey? Bailey was…different.
She’d been there for me. Bailey was there when my world fell apart when I was five years old. When it fell apart again when my dad died, it was Bailey who understood. She knew when I needed to talk and when I needed to be silent. She knew when I needed company and when I needed to be alone.
All this introspection was terrifying. Forcing myself to recognize and acknowledge my feelings was scary. I’d been happy, perfectly content with my life the way it was. Right? I liked kissing cute girls at parties—no, I loved it.
Yet, I hadn’t even considered doing it for weeks.
“Barnes!” Coach Reno’s voice echoed through the locker room from the doorway to his office.
Dallin smirked at the panicked expression on my face. He knew about my irrational fear that Coach would find out I was playing football behind my mom’s back. There wasn’t anything either of them could do about it. But I didn’t want to deal with the confrontation.
I threw a clean shirt over my head and stepped into my shoes before heading to Coach’s office.
“Coach?” I hovered in the doorway, not wanting to commit to stepping over the threshold unless I had to.
“Have a seat, Barnes.” Coach kept his eyes on his computer monitor, his hand clicking on the mouse.
Taking a deep breath, I sat in the chair in front of his desk and waited.
“I have to admit, kid, you’ve surprised me.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, and the distracted way Coach talked to me made me think he wasn’t expecting a response.
So, I grunted. Real smooth.
Coach glanced away from his computer to study me over the rim of the reading glasses that hung from a lanyard around his neck.
“Um, thank you, sir.” Maybe he had been expecting a responseafter all.
“I wanted to talk to you about your future, son.”
“Okay.” I nodded as though I understood exactly what he was talking about.
I didn’t.
“As you know, we’ve had college scouts crawling all over this place for the last few years. Mostly, they’ve been looking at Sanders and Coleman, but a few of our other athletes have garnered attention from some smaller Division 2 schools.” He paused and steepled his hands. “To be frank, Jamie, I’ve had a few calls about you.”
I blinked. Coach kept talking.
“Not to speak badly of the kid, but with Seth as our quarterback, we weren’texpected to win our first three conference games this season or half of all our games after that. Your first two wins have caught the attention of those who pay attention to these things. The kind ofpeople who offer football scholarships.”
A little dumbstruck by what Coach was telling me, I could only muster a nod.
“I’m guessing you can imagine how important our game is on Friday.” His gaze narrowed, focusing closely on mine. “For you.”
For me. Because college scouts were talking to Coach—about me.
“Wow. Okay. I don’t know what to say. I’ll play my best, Coach,” I rambled, the full force of what he implied not quite sinking in.
Coach leaned back in his desk chair, crossing his arms over his chest. For a middle-aged guy, Coach Reno was in excellent shape. As our weight lifting and conditioning coach, it wasn’t unusual for him to jump in and work out with us, showing rather than telling us about good technique and form.
“You’re a mystery to me, Barnes. I took some time this week to look into your stats from Jr. High and talk to your eighth-grade coach. He had lots of good things to say about you. Our conversation jogged my memory a bit. Turns out I knew your dad,” Coach paused, his eyes landing on a stack of papers in front of him on his desk. “He was my accountant. I didn’t make the connection when we first talked.” He glanced up again, his gaze catching mine. “Your dad was a real fine man. We talked about football on several occasions when we had business together. I think he’d be proud to see what you’ve accomplished in a short amount of time.”
I felt blindsided by unexpected emotion and had to clear my throat a couple of times before I could speak.
“Thank you, sir.”
Coach nodded, his attention back on his computer screen. “I made a file for you, some film to watch before the game this weekend.” He picked up a memory stick and held it out to me. “Watch their defense, specifically number ninety. He’s the best they’ve got, and he’ll be gunning for you.”
“Yes, sir.” I took the drive and stood.
“One more thing, Barnes.”
“Yes, sir?”
“Take what I told you seriously, son. Two games could be a fluke, attributed to flaws on the opposing teams. We develop a pattern of winning, and I feel I’ll be hearing from more than one or two schools.”
I nodded, but he’d already moved on to something else.
Bailey waited against the wall outside the locker room, still in her running clothes. My pulse kicked up a notch. We’d spent most of the weekend together with Dallin. Bailey and I never had another opportunity to work on our make-out sessions, but that was okay. I liked that we weren’t just jumping in with both feet. The fact that I was even thinking about kissing Bailey for real and looking forward to it required some serious contemplation.
“Hey.” She glanced up from her phone, a quick smile lighting her face once she spotted me.
“Hey, yourself,” I replied. I wanted to hold her. I dropped my bag, and when Bailey stepped away from the wall, I gathered her into my arms.
“Sorry you had to wait. You could have gone with Dallin,” I whispered the words into her hair.
Bailey shook her head where it rested against my chest. “It’s okay. I didn’t mind waiting.” Her voice was soft, surprised. “Are you all right?” She pulled back, forcing me to do the same. I didn’t let her go, though. I didn’t want to.
“Yeah.” I told her everything Coach Reno had just told me about knowing my dad and the college scouts.
“Wow. Jamie, that’s amazing.” I knew she meant the words, but her eyes revealed the conflict inside.
I knew how she felt because I felt the same. “Bales, what am I going to do? It was one thing to play for the season or even just a few games. But college?” I shook my head in wonder. “I’ve dreamed of playing college football most of my life, but I never thought it could happen. Especially not after—” I stopped there. I didn’t want to say the words out loud. Even after all these months, it was too hard.
“I know, James. I know.” Bailey understood. She always understood.
Resting my forehead against hers, I kept my hands firmly on her hips. “College ball, a scholarship, the chances of me getting injured, my mom—”
Bailey cupped my cheeks in her palms. I wanted to kiss her. For real. Not noses or eyelashes. But a real kiss. A real kiss that had nothing to do with lists or lessons or even teenage hormones and had everything to do with how much I loved—
No!
I couldn’t love Bailey. Not like that. No commitments. No relationships. No broken hearts. Wasn’t that what I’d promised myself?
With a sigh, I covered her hands with mine and held them between us. “We should go.”
She held my gaze until I couldn’t do it anymore and had to look away. I picked up my bag and plucked hers from her shoulder.
Once we got to my car, I opened her door without even thinking about it. We both froze. I’d never done anything like that before. We weren’t a couple. This wasn’t a date.
I decided not to comment as I stowed our stuff in the trunk. We promised not to be awkward, so once we pulled out of the school parking lot, I tried to pretend I wasn’t freaking out and made conversation.
“How’s the ankle?” She’d twisted it on Friday and missed practice.
“Tender still. I had Allie tape me up.”
Bailey’s fingers tapped against her knee to the beat of the song playing on the radio, drawing my attention to her hand, and for the first time in a long time, I wanted to hold a girl’s hand. And not just any girl, Bailey. It made me worried.
It also made me think of the list I’d taken a picture of on my phone. Number three was next. In our next make-out session, we would finally kiss with our lips, not on the lips, but we could kiss on any part of each other’s faces. Bailey didn’t know it, but I cheated on Friday night. She’d fallen asleep curled in a tight ball against my chest. I’d tried to sleep but couldn’t. She was too soft. Smelled too good. Felt too amazing. And I took advantage.
Not in a creepy way!
I would never disrespect Bailey. But the temptation to indulge was too strong, and I gave in to the urge to brush my lips in her hair. She never stirred when my arms tightened, and my face burrowed against her neck. Her hair protected her skin from my lips, but the impulse was too strong not to press them to the small space below her ear.
I was getting too close. We needed to finish this. I needed to kiss her and get over her. These make-out sessions needed to happen as soon as possible. Like tonight. I just wanted things to go back to normal, back to having my best friend without worrying about kissing and making out with her.
I parked in my driveway. Bailey didn’t waste any time opening her door and getting out. I hurried to open the trunk for our bags.
“So,” I cleared my throat and wondered how my best friend of more than a decade could reduce me to acting like a middle schooler. “Wanna hang out tonight?”
Bailey paused like a deer in headlights. “Um,” she hesitated. I resisted the urge to reach out to smooth the small wrinkle between her brows.
Gathering up a truckload of false self-confidence, I took her hand in mine. “I thought we could knock out number three on our list.” Knock it out. Get it done. Move on. That’s what needed to happen.
Bailey looked like she was trying not to swallow her tongue. “Um, yeah. We probably should.”
“Okay. So, you’ll come over later?” My nerves tingled like I was asking her out on a first date.
That would not happen.
“Yeah, after dinner.” Bailey backed away and headed toward her own house.
Watching her, I rubbed my hands over my face, feeling completely worn out. I was lying to my mom, and I was about to kiss my best friend. On top of it all, there were college scouts interested in me.
What was happening to my life?