17. Bailey
Jamie was acting weird.He said he didn’t want to talk about it, but how was I supposed to ignore the way he was behaving? Opening my door. Holding my hand and staring at me with that look. I didn’t even know what that look meant, but it made me jumpy. I didn’t hate it. But it made my pulse ratchet upuntil my entire body thrummed.
We’d spent the whole weekend together and with Dallin. It had never been easy to hide my feelings for Jamie, but now, it was next to impossible. Things were different. Did that mean my plan was already working? Could Jamie’s feelings be changing?
I’d been tempted to make some changes myself. I’d gotten critical of my clothes, wondering if I should convince my mom I needed some new outfits, something other than the t-shirts and jeans I usually wore. Maybe wear more makeup. Start doing my hair every day. But I cast that idea aside. If Jamie was ever going to love me, he would have to love me for who I was and not because I was trying to turn myself into a popular girl clone. If that’s what he wanted, more than a few girls were waiting in the wings.
This was why I decided that for our next kissing experiment, I would show up at Jamie’s just being me. I’d taken a shower before dinner and hadn’t done anything with my hair except run a brush through it. I didn’t want to deal with raccoon eyes in the morning, so I didn’t even bother with mascara.
And now, I stood at the threshold of Jamie’s basement in a pair of athletic shorts, a V-neck t-shirt, Jamie’s hoodie, and no makeup other than my strawberry lip balm.
Jamie answered the door dressed much like me. His shorts were longer, and he wasn’t wearing a sweatshirt, but I wasn’t complaining. I’d never get tired of seeing him in a snug t-shirt.
I’d never tire of his smile, either.
“Come in.” He opened the door wide and stood to the side.
The room was dim, the only light coming from his big screen tv, which he’d paused at the beginning of one of our favorite movies.
“I thought we could watch for a while.” Jamie gestured toward the television.
“Yeah, good idea.” And it was. I felt nervous and anxious. Watching a movie was normal, something we did together all the time. Scheduling kissing appointments was not.
He’d preparedwater bottles and a bag of microwave popcorn. We both squeezed into the center of the couch, and Jamie covered our legs with a blanket.
It felt different with just the two of us without Dallin. I had practically zero dating experience, but this felt like a date. I was aware of Jamie, but that wasn’t unusual. What threw me was how aware he was of me. He tucked the blanketaround my legs before settling back against the cushions. He handed me a water, so I didn’t have to move from the cocoon I’d made for myself at his side. Instead of hogging the popcorn in his lap like he usually did, Jamie made sure it was within reach between us.
About halfway through the movie, he set the empty popcorn container and our water bottles on the side table. He propped his feet on the ottomanand shifted closer until we touched from shoulder to knee.
A few seconds later, he shifted again, putting his shoulder in front of mine. Without questioning it, I wrapped both my arms around his. He immediately threaded our fingers together.
Emotion clogged my throat. I hid my face in his shoulder. His t-shirt was clean and crisp against my skin and smelled so good.
When I finally lifted my head, his face was inches away. Our eyes connected, and I struggled to keep my breathing steady.
There was no hope for my heart.
Lifting one hand, Jamie traced his fingers along my cheek before tucking my hair behind my ear. His face lowered a fraction, then paused. His eyes met mine.
I’d always wondered what it would feel like to be with Jamie like this. Wondered what his lips would feel like, his arms if he held me. Life hadn’t prepared me for this experience. My heart filled to overflowing. My bones went liquid as my body sagged against him.
JAMIE
What was I doing?I didn’t planthis. I was goingto kiss her cheek once or twice, quickly, keeping my hormones in check. I thought maybe if we watched a movie together, things would get back to normal, like they used to be, how they’d always been.
Yeah, that didn’t work. Instead, it felt like a date. A date where my anticipation grew exponentially by the second until I was ready to combust if I didn’t kiss the girl.
Rein it in, Barnes!
Easier said than done. She smelled amazing. She looked adorable. She felt so soft and warm and like I wanted to fold myself all around her, holding on forever.
But I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t do that. I would kiss her, remain unaffected, and send her on her way.
Right?
Except Bailey had melted against my side with her eyes closed, her breath unsteady. I needed to end this. Quickly. Clinically. I’d kissed dozens of girls. I could kiss one more.
I couldn’t reach her, melted against me like she was. Before I could talk myself out of it, I lifted Bailey in my arms and settled her across my lap. She felt...dainty with her tiny, heart-shaped face swallowed up by her eyes opened impossibly wide.
Best friend. Best friend. Best friend.
I cleared the desire thickening my throat before speaking. “I couldn’t reach you,” I explained our new seating arrangement.
“Jamie—”
“Shh. We’ll talk later.” Lowering my face to hers, I had to remind myself we weren’t supposed to kiss that night and that wanting to kiss her was wrong. There was something so irresistible about having to wait. Maybe that had been her plan all along, to make me wait until I was ready to burst at the seams before letting me kiss her for real.
If so, her plan was working.
I’d never paid much attention to kissing anything but lips. I’d kissed girls on the neck before and the ear once or twice, mainly to calm things down when they were getting too involved.
With Bailey, my mouth watered at the thought of tasting her skin. Kissing her cheek, her neck, her ear, it all seemed as exciting as kissing her lips would be.
I swallowed hard because kissing Bailey’s skin felt like it would flay me right open, exposing my soft underbelly, all the parts of me I worked so hard to shield.
My lips hovered over her. Could I do this? Could I kiss Bailey and walk away? I was already hanging by a thread. Every part of me strained toward her, even as the logical part of my brain rebelled. This was not what we had planned, Jamie, it tried to tell me.
Fortunately, or maybe, unfortunately, depending on how you looked at it, my inner teenage boy had no interest in thinking about consequences. He immediately closed the gap between my lips and her skin.
And I discovered something. Something I could have gone my whole life not knowing and been perfectly, obliviously happy. Alone. Relationship-less. Uncommitted.
Kissing was fun, but I already knew that. Raging teenage hormones were excellent for relaying that kind of information. But what my hormones hadn’t taught me, and my emotions were working overtime to drill into my stupid skull, was that when you combined basic with evolved—hormones with feelings—something magical happened.
Almost against my will, my lips devoured every inch of Bailey’s exposed skin. I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t hold her close enough. Her cheek. Her eyes. Her jaw. Her neck.
And then, miraculously, her lips sought my skin. Logical thought, what little of it I had left, stopped. I stilled. My eyes slid closed. I didn’t want to miss a second of the sensation of her mouth touching me. She kissed me tentatively. But it didn’t take long for her to reach the feverish pace I’d set, kissing my cheek, my jaw, her mouth rasping over the day-old growth of whiskers on my chin.
It was too intense. I had to kiss her back. Soon, we were kissing each other’s faces, our lips straining to reach every inch of skin, barely missing the other’s lips. It was too much. Screw the list, the teenage boy cried. I was going to kiss this girl. Slowly, my lips brushed the corner of her mouth. She stilled. I heard the quick breath. I kissed her chin and the corner of her mouth again, on the other side.
She trembled.
I shook.
And that was it. I took possession of her mouth. Lips to lips, we kissed over and over. My arms cradled her close as my hands wandered her back and sides and the napeof her neck, desperate to bring her as close as I could. Bailey clutched the fabric of my t-shirt at my shoulders, her movements just as anxious.
“Jamie,” she whispered against my lips.
No.
“More.” I wasn’t ready to give her up, but I slowed. I gave her the first kiss I should have, soft, tender, lingering.
I had no idea how long we kissed, but by the time I lifted my head and looked into her eyes, she had swollen, red lips, and I’d somehow positioned us so we were lying beside each other on the couch. Bailey’s hair had tangled in all directions, and I’d given her tender skin whisker burn.
Whoa.
Scrambling off the couch, I stood beside it, breathing hard like a crazy man.
I needed to walk it off. Outside. In the cold. Tearing my gaze from the beautiful girl I’d just kissed senseless, I skirted around the couch and headed straight for the door.