Chapter Thirty-One
Bernard
Friday, December 11–Wednesday, December 16
IT WAS THE Friday after his birthday. Bernard sat in the pew with his family, Rory on his left and Emilio on his right. He fought back tears as the preacher gave the eulogy. The priest described his father as a powerful man and hard worker and talked about his dedication to his family. The usual garbage they said at a funeral.
The priest didn’t know his father. He couldn’t pronounce his name. He had nothing special to say about him. The man couldn’t even translate the eulogy into Portuguese for his family. The church found a translator. The priest spoke too fast for the Portuguese and sign language translators. The poor women couldn’t keep up. It infuriated Bernard that they couldn’t find a bilingual priest for a Portuguese funeral.
“Does the family wish to speak?” the preacher asked.
As the eldest, it was Bernard’s duty to speak first.
He walked up to the podium.
He looked over at the Portuguese translator. “You can take a break. I can translate.”
The woman smiled and sat down.
“Hello, My name is Bernardo Francisco Silva. My father, Jo?o Tomás Silva”—Bernard emphasized his father’s name as he looked at the priest—“loved me unconditionally. He never judged me or told me my dreams were wrong. My father knew I was gay before I came out and accepted me for it. He took care of me and my brother after our mother passed away and saved up money to send me to college to follow my passion. He did everything for me, and now he’s gone. I didn’t have time to thank him for all he’s done for me. I can never hug him or confide in him again. I’m going to miss my father more than anything in this world. I love you, Dad, and thank you for always believing in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself.”
Bernard repeated his speech in Portuguese for his family. He wanted to say more, but the words got stuck.
His brother followed with a heartfelt speech. Bernard registered his pain. Their father was close to both of them. Emilio followed in his footsteps and owned a small farm. His father helped him with startup money. They owed their father everything.
They buried his father in the family plot of the cemetery. Bernard and Emilio stayed behind as family and friends left.
“Do you want me to stay?” Rory asked.
“I…I’d like to be with my brother alone if that’s okay.”
“Anything you need.” Rory leaned in and kissed him.
“I’m going to take the boys home,” Camila said. “Take all the time you need. We’ll see you there.”
Camila kissed Emilio and walked off with Rory and the boys.
“I can’t believe he’s gone,” Bernard said.
“Why didn’t he listen to us?” Emilio yelled.
“Emilio, it’s not his fault.”
“Yes, it is,” he said. “We told him to listen to his doctor and stop drinking and smoking. He didn’t listen. Now he’s gone.”
“I…” Bernard couldn’t answer.
His father went through two packs of cigarettes a day and drank far too much. He’d been that way Bernard’s entire life. His beer drinking started when Bernard’s mom died twenty years ago. Bernard was only sixteen. Emilio was fourteen. They had to get jobs to help support the family. Their father took on extra work to earn the money to give them what they needed. He worked twelve to sixteen hours a day.
Emilio put his arms around himself and fell to his knees.
“Why?” He choked back tears.
Bernard knelt beside his brother and wrapped his arms around him. His size engulfed Emilio’s compact frame. Emilio laid his head against Bernard’s chest. His brother convulsed with sobs in his arm.
“Shh,” Bernard said, “we’ll be okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“He didn’t get to see you walk down the aisle,” Emilio said. “He would’ve loved to see you in a suit getting married. It was all he talked about.”
It wasn’t legal for same-sex couples to marry. A ceremony would be something he and Rory could do. His father would’ve been there, so proud of his son, supporting and cheering him on.
They sat on the ground. Brothers bound by birth and held together by sorrow. They were opposites, but they loved each other just the same. Bernard knew his brother’s pain just as his brother knew his.
The funeral reception was a blur. They held it at Emilio’s house. He ran into family members he hadn’t seen in years. They gave their condolences and brought food. He wasn’t hungry.
“I think I’m going to go home,” he told his friends.
They’d all come. Rory, Sarah, John, Kelly, and even Sean made it. It warmed his heart that all his friends were here for him.
“Do you want me to come with you?” Rory asked.
“I think I need to be alone.”
“I love you, sweetheart.” Rory wrapped his arms around him and kissed him. “I’ll always be there for you.”
“Thank you, sweetie. I love you too.”
“If you need anything, call us,” Sarah said.
“We’ll be here for you,” John said.
“Thank you, everyone.”
Bernard got in his car and drove home.
He didn’t remember the drive but found himself outside his house.
He walked through the house, let Ginger in, fed her, then sat on the couch while an infomercial talked about some new cleaning product.
“Ginger, let’s go to bed.”
*
THE NEXT MORNING Bernard lay in bed, still in his suit. Ginger lay next to him, cuddling under his arm.
“What am I going to do, Ginger?” He had no tears left to shed. “My dad’s gone. I’ll never see him again.”
Bernard took Ginger out when she needed to go, made sure she had food and water, and lay in bed.
“He cared about me. We talked all the time. I’ll never hear his voice again.”
Bernard walked to the kitchen and played the messages. A message from his dad remained.
Hey, Bernardo. Happy birthday, son. I can’t wait to see you today. I know it’s early, but I couldn’t wait to wish you a happy birthday. Love you, son.
Bernard replayed the message a dozen times before he walked back to his bed. He lay down and Ginger joined him. His tears fell again. Hearing his father’s voice reminded him he was gone.
Ginger whimpered and curled up next to him.
*
ANOTHER DAY DRAGGED by. Bernard hadn’t eaten. He couldn’t eat. How could he enjoy food when this loss had drained the life from him? His father was his rock, the man who pushed him to be his best. He didn’t have that support anymore.
He was napping when he heard voices coming up the stairs.
“I’ve never seen him this bad.”
Is that Sarah? He concentrated, straining to hear.
“He can’t be in good shape. He won’t answer his phone.” This was a man. John? Or Kelly?
“Well, we need to check on him,” Sarah said.
The door opened. He didn’t bother to sit up or open his eyes.
“Bernard.” A soft voice came from the distance. “It’s Sarah. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he said.
“Bernard. We’re here to help.” That was Kelly.
“Who’s here?” he squeaked out.
“Me, John, Kelly, and Rory,” Sarah said.
Great, more people to see the wreck I’ve become .
He opened his eyes to see them standing there. “I’ll be okay. I just need time.” He closed his eyes again.
“We know, we’re just worried. When was the last time you ate something?” John asked.
“I don’t know.”
“We left some food in the fridge. You should eat something when you’re up to it.” Sarah said.
“I made a banana cream pie,” Rory said.
“Thank you.”
“Bernard. If you need anything, please let us know.” Rory’s voice came out soft.
Rory was scared. His voice revealed that much. He didn’t want Rory to worry about him. He had other things to worry about than him.
“We’re gonna let you get some sleep. Have you talked to Rich about your leave?”
He’d called the day his father passed away to let them know.
“They’re fine with me taking the time I need,” he said. “Rich said to take care of myself and to get some rest.”
“That’s good,” Sarah said.
“We should let him get some sleep,” John said.
“You’re right,” Sarah said.
Bernard felt Sarah’s lips on his forehead, but he couldn’t open his eyes.
“Bernard, would you like me to take care of Ginger for a few days?” Kelly asked. “She could play with Chester.”
“I don’t want to bother you. I think I’ll be okay.”
“It’s no bother. You need to look after yourself. I’ll take Ginger.”
“Thank you.”
The tears still couldn’t come. His friends were by his side, helping him, and he couldn’t shed a tear of gratitude.
“Come on, Ginger,” Kelly called.
He opened his eyes to see Ginger leap off the bed after some coaxing. Kelly picked her up. He closed his eyes. The door closed.
“I love you, sweetheart.” Rory pressed his lips against his. “Please take care of yourself. I hate to see you like this.”
“I love you too, sweetie.” Bernard returned the kiss.
“I’ll let you get some rest and check on you soon.”
*
THE NEXT FEW days were a daze. Bernard remembered going to the store but couldn’t remember what he bought. He filled his days with sporadically eating, random TV shows, and sleep.
“ Bernard,” a distant voice called out. “I’ve come by to see how you’re feeling and brought Ginger to see you.”
Bernard looked over to see Kelly standing above his bed.
Ginger jumped up and curled up next to him.
“How are you holding up?”
“I’m okay, I ate something today,” Bernard said.
“That’s good, man.” Kelly sat at the edge of the bed. “Everyone’s worried about you.”
“I know.”
“Rory came by a few times, but you were out cold.”
“I wish he’d woken me up so I could see him.”
“I think he wanted you to rest.” Kelly laid a hand on his knee. “He really cares about you.”
“I know he does, but…” Bernard wanted to tell someone, needed to tell someone.
“But what?”
“But I don’t deserve someone as sweet, kind, and wonderful as him.”
Tears pooled in his eyes. Rory deserved to be happy, and he couldn’t give him happiness. He was a wreck and couldn’t even take care of himself right now.
“I think it’s the heartache talking, I don’t think you really mean that.”
“How long has it been?”
“It’s Tuesday the fifteenth.”
“I’ve been like this for four days?”
“Yes, and we’re worried about you.” Kelly rubbed his knee. “If you need to talk, please reach out.”
“I miss my dad. He’s gone, and I don’t know what to do. I could talk to him about anything, and now he’s gone. I should have done more to stop him from drinking and smoking. I should have helped him when my mom died, I should have done so much more.”
It all poured out of him. He was sixteen when his mom passed away, and he wallowed in his own emotions instead of helping his father and brother. He didn’t try hard enough to protect them.
“It’s not your fault,” Kelly said. “You can only warn people so much. You can’t force them to change. I know it’s hard, I do. You need to take time to grieve your way. What happened back then wasn’t your fault, and you were a teenager. I want to believe you did your best.”
Bernard petted Ginger. She was a sweet dog who knew when he was sad. She was by his side with Tracy, and she was by his side with Sean, and she was here now.
Tracy, that arrogant asshole who is now with his other ex. Those monsters deserved each other.
Kelly broke the silence. “I’m gonna leave Ginger here with you for a little while. There’s some food from Sarah in your fridge. I’ll be back this evening to take her home.”
“Thank you, Kelly. You’re a great friend.”
“I’m happy to help.”
*
BERNARD SLEPT THE rest of the day with Ginger by his side. She refused to leave him.
He woke up in the dark. He reached to scratch Ginger’s ears. She was gone.
“Ginger, here, girl,” he called out.
Where is she?
Bernard ran through the house. He called her. He checked the laundry room, the backyard, the spare room, and even the closets. Panic set in. Did she get out?
There was a note on the fridge.
Hello Bernard,
I thought you might forget that I took Ginger, so I left this note. She’s safe with me. You don’t need to worry. Take care of yourself.
Your friend,
Kelly.
She was with Kelly. He breathed a sigh of relief. How long did he sleep? He didn’t know what day it was.