Chapter 6
“Oh my god , I’m weak.”
Asia was laughing so hard she couldn’t get a breath in. Dani shook her head and chuckled under her breath. I loved when laughter filled my house, but it wasn’t as much fun at my expense.
The two kept me company from the kitchen table while I started the week’s meal prep. The girls were already fast asleep, and my body begged to join them. My limbs sagged, and I was losing the battle to keep my eyes open. Chopping vegetables was not the time to drift off. I wanted nothing more than to collapse on the couch after an exhausting day, but I didn’t have the luxury of downtime.
Asia wiped at her tears. “You two will kill each other before we see a single intern.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about his promotion, you traitor.”
She held up her hands in surrender. “Again, I’m not getting in the middle of this ridiculous war. Plus, I didn’t know his promotion would affect you.”
“Besides making her spend the next three girls’ nights complaining about how he didn’t deserve it. Might I suggest, instead of all this fighting, you two bang it out so he can get over you and move on to me?” Dani wagged her eyebrows.
I choked as my wine went down the wrong tube. My cheeks burned, a response to the alcohol and nearly dying. Dani walked over and slapped me on the back, but the laughing never stopped.
“Hey, ladies!” I heard the front door close and turned to find that our fourth group member, Gabriela, had let herself in. Clara was in her class before Jason died—back when I could volunteer—and the long days of school planning and crafting had grown into an actual friendship. She had Sophie this year, and I was grateful to know she was watching out for her.
She gave each of us a kiss on the cheek before plopping down next to Dani to grab the wine I had already set out for her. “I’m so sorry I missed your birthday, Asia. I owe you a night out. What are we talking about?”
“How much Juliana wants to bone Ben,” Dani said with a smirk.
“Oh, the hot guy from work?”
“No, not the hot guy from work. The asshole from work.” I pointed between the Taylor sisters. “You two need to stop filling her impressionable head with your nonsense. And Dani, there will be no banging it out.”
I conveniently left out the charged—and so damn tempting—moment in the hallway.
“Surrrrrre,” Dani said with an epic eye roll. “You two spend all your time complaining about each other, and it’s just an excuse to bring each other up. He didn’t take his eyes off you at Asia’s birthday party. And you two on the dance floor were downright pornographic. Not that I’m complaining. You’re both super hot. I bet the sexual tension in the office is off the charts.”
Asia laughed. “You have no idea. I would have told them to get a room dozens of times if I didn’t think they’d both bite my head off.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but Gabriela cut me off with a whine. “All of this happened at your party? I can’t believe I missed it. Wedding planning has taken over my life.”
Gabriela was set to marry her high school sweetheart in a few weeks and was in full DIY mode. She’d given me an out for the crafting party even though I was a bridesmaid because (a) it was Asia’s birthday, (b) she had approximately three hundred other bridesmaids to help, and (c—most importantly) she knew anything I crafted would need to be redone anyway.
It was my turn to roll my eyes, turning back to the sisters. “You two think anytime attractive people fight, it’s because they want to screw.”
“So you admit he’s hot?” Asia watched me over the rim of her wineglass.
“I have eyes. But the devil always takes on a handsome face. It makes it easier to manipulate the souls he’s trying to steal.”
The sisters shared a knowing look that had me preparing my next round of defense. I started running through his biggest offenses in my head. His last-minute work requests. His constant teasing when I needed to focus. His silly little pranks, like the time he intentionally passed me the salt instead of sugar when I was making a coffee before rushing into a meeting. I still hadn’t forgiven Asia for suggesting matching salt and sugar containers in the break room to create a cohesive space.
And then there was that smug, infuriating smirk I wanted to kiss off his face. Wait—slap off his face. Definitely slap.
“Okay, let’s give poor Juliana a break,” Gabriela said, always the peacemaker.
I pointed at the girls with my giant chef’s knife. “That’s why she’s my favorite.”
“Boo!” the sisters yelled in unison.
I threw a piece of chopped celery at them. “Gabi, how’s work?”
She shrugged. “Dramatic. I don’t know how such little people can cause such big issues.”
“Not mine, though, right?” Please don’t let it be mine.
“No, not yours,” she said with a gigantic smile. “Sophie’s an angel. Unless I try to separate her from her new best friend, and then the world’s ending for both of them.”
Thank god she wasn’t the problem. At home, she was a total wild card. Apparently, she used up all her patience for good behavior while at school, because her teachers sung her praises—with the obvious exception of when she punched out that kid. Her otherwise good behavior made the school believe her transgression was a fluke. Even the kid’s mom had to agree that he got what was coming to him after saying her dad died because she was so stinky.
“Mom.” Clara’s sleepy voice echoed in the hallway, and my heart squeezed in my chest.
“I’ll be right back,” I whispered to my friends. “What’s going on, sweetie?”
“Sophie’s crying in her sleep again. I couldn’t get her to stop.”
My ribs seemed to compress in on each other, squeezing my internal organs beyond their limits. Sophie’s night terrors were back. They were bad when Jason first died, but now they happened rarely enough that I thought she had grown out of them. Seeing her hurt, trapped in her nightmare with no escape, felt like someone had stabbed me in the gut.
And now Clara was taking on the burden of caring for her. I understood the perfectionist tendencies of an oldest daughter better than most, but I hated the role Clara was shoved into. She should be dreaming of her friends and the next soccer game, not soothing her sister because her mom couldn’t figure out how to help her cope.
“Okay, give me a minute to show my friends out. Can you snuggle her until I get there?”
“Sure, Mom.” She slipped back into the room while I slipped into the kitchen to tell my friends our girls’ night needed to be cut short. None of them had kids, but they never made mine seem like an inconvenience, unlike some people. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I rounded the corner into the small kitchen. If they saw any weakness, they’d ask what was wrong, and I wouldn’t be strong enough to hold back my tears. Sophie needed her mom, not a blubbering mess of guilt, stress, and self-loathing.
“I’m sorry, guys, but we have to call it a night.”
“We get it. Go take care of our girls, and we’ll see you tomorrow at Clara’s soccer game. We’ll lock up on our way out.” Asia started gathering the glasses and cleaning up without me having to ask for help. One thing I loved best about my friends was how quickly they came to love my girls. Once they decided you were a part of their family, they were all in.
I slipped into the twin bed with Clara and Sophie, who had woken up while I said goodbye to my friends.
“Hi there, sweet pea. How’re we doing?”
“I’m okay, Mommy.” My heart clenched when she called me Mommy. She was seven years old and called me Mom because she was a grown-up. “But could you stay with me for a little while?”
I blinked quickly and pressed a kiss to the top of her head to give myself something to focus on. Her little body was still shuddering, and it set off a round of shaking of my own. I couldn’t take away the heartbreak and the nightmares, but I could provide a distraction.
“How about this?” My excited whisper brought a bit more light to her face. “Why don’t you girls keep snuggling? I’ll get ready for bed really quick and we can all move to my bed for a big-girl sleepover.”
Both girls nodded happily, and I rushed off to go through my nighttime routine.
As soon as I could, I put us all in my bed and cuddled up against the world. I asked Sophie if she wanted to talk about it.
“You were gone.”
“Like Daddy?” I asked.
“No, not like you died. Just Clara and I woke up one day, and you weren’t here. We didn’t know how to find you.”
Clara snuggled in closer, telling me without words she sometimes had the same fear. I hated this. It was my job—my most important job—to make them feel safe. I couldn’t have stopped what happened to their dad, but I should have been able to make them feel secure.
“I’m here. Always. You two are the most important things to have ever happened to me. I promise not to leave you for anything in the world. I love you girls.” I prayed my words were enough, even when I knew they weren’t.
“Mommy, will you sing us Daddy’s song?”
There was a song Jason loved, a random one from the sixties he heard on one of my oldies stations when we were young. He decided he’d sing it nightly to his future kids, and he had done so right through his last night with us. My eyes filled with tears, but I smiled as I heard his voice in my head singing along with me. They both mumbled “Love you” and fell asleep to my voice and the memory of their dad. I knew I wouldn’t sleep well with both girls draped over me, but I’d sacrifice a good night’s sleep to feel like I was actually doing something for my kids.
The next morning, I gulped down my second cup of coffee. I had tried to shift each girl off me throughout the night, but every couple of hours, I woke up to find one of them back on top of me. They woke happy and refreshed with the morning sun, jumping on the bed and cheering about their sleepover.
I hollered down the hall. “Get moving, girls, or we’ll be late for the game.”
Clara ran down the hall in her uniform, talking animatedly about who they were up against today and what strategy she was going to use. Sophie followed behind in full ballet costume, tights and tutu included. All signs of the frightened, timid girl from the night before were gone in a puff of tulle. I gave her a flat stare she was all too familiar with.
“What, Mom?” She gave a little twirl, the picture of innocence.
I fought to keep the scowl on my face, but a laugh broke free. “You know what. Put on real clothes.”
“How about a deal? I’ll change from my ballet slippers to real shoes, but keep on the rest.”
“Real shoes and pants, and you can keep on the bedazzled leotard. Final offer.” She sighed and dragged her feet back down the hallway. “And make it fast.”
Fifteen minutes and three more arguments later, we were on the road. Clara’s game flew by. She scored two goals, and each time Asia, Dani, and I earned stares from the other parents as we hollered and danced on the sidelines. Clara came running up to me after the game, and I opened my arms for a hug. Instead, she stopped short and looked at her friends over her shoulder.
“Can I go with Olivia and her family to get pizza and celebrate our win?”
“Sure, sweetie. Tell Olivia’s mom to text me the plan so I know when to expect you home.”
She turned and sprinted back to her friends.
“I love you,” I called out after her. I let out a pathetic little laugh. “When did I become the embarrassing mom she doesn’t want to acknowledge?”
Dani’s arm came down on my shoulders as she sighed dramatically. “I hate to tell you this. You’ve always been embarrassing, honey.”
“You’re such a dick.” I nudged her with my shoulder.
I called across the field to Sophie. “Soph, we gotta go.”
She waved with both arms. “Hold on, Mom! I’m talking to my best friend!”
I waved back. We had some time to spare, and she’d spent the entire morning talking about how her best friend played soccer—making it suddenly cool—and how she’d get to see her between Clara’s game and her own.
“Well, hey you.” I turned to see who Asia was greeting and came face-to-face with the last person I wanted to see.
“Hey, Asia.” Ben pulled her in for a hug with an easy smile. He was always quick to smile around the office. Everyone he passed was granted the same beautiful, genuine grin. And yet, every time his eyes found me, it shifted into something else, a taunting imitation. I dug my nails into my palms as I watched the transformation. He looked relaxed today in his gym shorts and T-shirt. I had never seen him in something so casual, and I tried not to notice how the shirt wrapped tightly over his large biceps, which were normally safely hidden underneath button-downs.
I knew he was fit, but in his thin workout clothes, you could tell how much time and effort he dedicated to his body. Those arms looked powerful enough to support my weight, his hands gripping my ass as he pushed me against the wall.…
No. Bad thoughts. Get it together.
He crossed his arms as he drew himself to his full, towering height. “Good morning, Juliana.”
I tilted my chin up and mirrored his stance. “Do you always head to the park on Saturday mornings to torture the happy families, or did you make a special trip for my sake?”
“Mom, that wasn’t very nice.”
I swallowed a curse. Sophie made it over to us way quicker than I had expected.
Ben gave Sophie a delighted smile. “You’re right. That wasn’t very nice, Mom.”
He taunted me with his smirk, waiting to see how I’d balance my annoyance at him with my need to teach Sophie manners.
“I’m sorry,” I said with just enough sincerity to trick my seven-year-old and not an ounce more. “Please forgive me.”
“All’s forgiven.” He magnanimously placed his hand over his heart—all a show meant to drive me wild. I didn’t count this as a win for him. Using my kids was cheating.
What was he even doing here? What plausible reason could he have for showing up at the youth soccer fields on Saturday? There was only one logical explanation. Asia was trying to play peacemaker again. She was determined. I’d give her that. But her attempts so far had failed, and I didn’t see that changing anytime soon.
Asia stepped in before I said something I’d regret, at least in front of Sophie. “I’m going to stay and hang out with Ben for a while. Unless, maybe, we all wanted to hang out. Maybe get to know each other a little better?”
She gave Ben a look I couldn’t decipher, and he subtly shook his head. Well, fuck you, too. It wasn’t like I wanted to spend the afternoon with him, but his dismissal set me on fire.
“Not gonna happen, As,” I said with a smirk at Ben. He scoffed in response.
Sophie pouted and looked back and forth between them, a thoughtful line forming between her brows. “But Miss Asia, you were supposed to get ice cream with us. Are you staying because he’s your boyfriend?”
I blanched at the idea, and Asia lifted her eyebrows at me knowingly. Dani gave up all pretense and started cackling. Though, when I thought about it, they would make sense together. They were both beautiful and got along. The thought twisted something inside of me, and I told myself it was because Asia was too good for him.
“No, honey. He’s one of my best friends, like your mom. I’m sorry, I forgot I told Mr. Ben I would play with him before I said I would get ice cream.”
Her words conjured up images of all the ways adults could play, and my stomach roiled. I pressed my lips together and focused on gathering our things. I knew nothing was roman tic between them, so why couldn’t I stop the sinking sensation washing over me?
Ben squatted down next to Sophie. “And who are you, miss?”
“I’m Sophie Elizabeth Ryan. She’s my mom!”
“Well, Miss Sophie, it is wonderful to meet you.” He shook her hand delicately. “I’m Ben, and I work with your mom and Miss Asia. You look like your mom, but even prettier.”
I rolled my eyes at his display. I was confident in my looks, but I couldn’t imagine what he expected to gain from this over-the-top chivalry. Then I looked down at Sophie and noticed her preening at his attention.
“We should go, Sophie, if we’re going to have time to stop for ice cream.”
“Okay, Mom! Just let me say bye to my best friend.” Without pausing for permission, she sprinted off toward the field.
“You just said goodbye,” I called after her, but she was already gone.
I sighed a bit at my carefree and reckless daughter. Even at seven years old, she was a force to be reckoned with. Who knows what she would become by the time she was my age? Probably take over the country. Focused on her bouncy ponytail, I didn’t realize Ben had moved to my side until he spoke.
“She seems like a sweet kid.” We stood together watching her chat with some friends from school I hadn’t met yet.
“She is. Her sister, too. I worry about them. It has to change a person, going through so much pain at such a young age, but they still seem to hold on to their joy.”
We were standing shoulder to shoulder. I looked up into his eyes to find understanding reflected at me. That one look—the soft, reassuring gaze—was enough to loosen the knot of tension I’d been holding on to since Clara called my name last night. With our eyes locked, he closed his hand over mine, giving it a slight squeeze. My heart swelled inside of my chest, and I felt the urge to step into the comfort I didn’t know he could offer.
It is not my job to accommodate her kids.
The memory shot through me like a physical blow. He’d made his stance perfectly clear, and I wouldn’t open myself up because of one kind look. I jolted back, locking down my vulnerability with a piercing glare.
His eyes hardened, too. “Enjoy the weekend and make sure you have your work ready for our meeting next week. Your recruitment strategy needs to be outlined beforehand.”
“You are not my boss. This is an interdivisional project we are partnering on.”
“We may be in different departments, but technically, I am your superior. Or will be in a couple of weeks.”
“Despite your opinion of yourself, I haven’t seen anything superior about you.”
“There are plenty of things I’m superior at. Need a demonstration?” His voice dipped as he leaned toward me. It was such a terrible line, I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or smack him.
“Never in a million years, so please save your posturing for someone you can impress.”
I shouldered past him, ignoring how my body heated from the brief contact, and stomped across the field to get Sophie. His eyes burned into the back of my head, and I wondered, not for the first time, how the hell we were supposed to get through this meeting—much less finish developing the program—without burning the place to the ground.