9 Lattes
I TURNED AND RAN. All the way down the street, back toward my house, with my heart beating in my ears, and my hair falling in my face all mixed up with my tears.
I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been, to think that maybe James was really into me.
All along, he’d been into April, the fiancée.
The one he’d been so guarded about, the one I’d chosen not to think about.
James didn’t have an Instagram, and now that seemed sinister and secretive.
Was it all so I wouldn’t see that she was tall and beautiful, and definitely not some high school kid?
I fumbled with the keys in the lock, then pushed my door open. My hands were shaking as I took out my phone to type a message to James.
Me: Sorry. Won’t make it in this weekend, feeling really sick. W
I sent the message, turned off my phone, and got back into bed. Pop was working, so I didn’t need to explain.
I pulled the blanket over my face and curled into a ball, hoping the shame of what had just happened would disappear.
But it didn’t. It just replayed over and over in my head in slow motion.
The way she smiled at him with her wide grin and perfectly glossed lips, the way he leaned into her hair, like he was recharging himself with her scent.
She probably smelled like pure joy mixed with lust and ecstasy all at once. They looked perfect together.
I hated how much this hurt. Not just because I was embarrassed but also because I’d convinced myself that I would go traveling, telling myself over and over that I was super excited, that nothing here would stop me.
But here it was, plain as day, a big neon sign telling me that I couldn’t hide from my feelings for James anymore.
Somewhere between self-loathing and devastation, I fell asleep, exhausted from the emotions. I wasn’t used to such huge feelings, and for the first time in my life, I couldn’t hide them behind a smile.
I woke to a knock at the front door. And when I didn’t answer, whoever it was knocked again. I rolled my puffy eyes and pulled myself reluctantly from my bed.
When I opened the door, Lennie and Sara were there. “We went to the coffee shop, and James said you were sick? Are you okay? Your phone’s off.” Lennie scanned me. My crumpled clothes, my slept-on hair. Her eyes landing back on my face.
“Yeah,” I said, but it came out as a squeak. This time as I sobbed I didn’t have time to crawl back into bed, because Lennie and Sara were both hugging me.
“Willa, no! What happened?” Lennie walked me into the living room.
I sat down on the sofa and wrapped myself in a blanket.
Sara walked straight over to the fire and started stoking it.
“How do you know how to do that?” Lennie asked, staring at her in awe.
Sara shrugged. “Years of summer camp. Stick with me, kid.” She winked and it made both me and Lennie laugh. I didn’t know I had a laugh in me.
When the fire was blazing, Sara joined me and Lennie on the sofa. The three of us cuddled up under one blanket.
“Tell us,” Lennie said, putting her hand on mine.
So I did. I told them about beautiful, perfect April and how happy James looked when he hugged her. How humiliated I was. How stupid.
But Lennie wasn’t having any of that.
“Willa! I thought something terrible had happened. Like I thought he’d said or done something really awful. Not … this?”
“What do you mean? Not this? This is really awful!”
“Okay, let me rephrase. I get why you might think that. But you don’t know anything …”
“What?”
“You don’t know the whole story. It’s like Instagram. A few seconds in time. Maybe she forced a hug on him. Maybe it was a goodbye-forever hug. Maybe she whispered something evil in his ear when she captured him in her witchy claws.” Lennie made claw hands and I managed to smile.
“She had perfect cinnamon-for-fall nails,” I sniffed. “And it didn’t look like a goodbye hug. It looked like an I’m so happy to see you hug, or a Let’s go back to your place and stay in bed for the foreseeable future hug.”
“Lennie’s right, you know.” Sara cut in. “I mean, probably not about the evil-claw-whispering. But about it being a snapshot. I mean, when I was upset about all the coming-out stuff, I was still posting all these happy selfies, when inside I was completely broken.”
I winced.
“Same,” said Lennie. She turned to me gently.
“Sara and I were fighting at Harvest Festival because we couldn’t be normal, and I still posted from there.
Then everything was really horrible and we were fighting and my girlfriend was upset, and I still posted.
And I didn’t mean any of them, I was literally just trying to distract myself.
But listen. We talked this through last night.
He likes you. He kissed you? And you said he even notices when you don’t have that grubby green scarf on. ”
“Hey. I love that scarf.”
“Looks amazing with your hair,” Sara added.
“Look, all I’m saying is, don’t make up a whole scenario based on a snapshot. Not until you know the whole story. And I’m still going with the evil whispers …”
“The party!” Sara clapped her hands. “The perfect distraction!”
I shook my head. I felt a tiny bit less terrible, but I wasn’t ready for a party. “No, you guys go and tell me all about it. I’m not in the mood this year, and my face will probably be swollen until the end of time.”
“No, I’m sorry. We need you. Hawkins needs its Max!” Lennie begged.
I shook my head. “Sorry, guys. I just can’t. I’ll stay here and scare off the trick-or-treaters with my ogre face.” I forced out a laugh I did not feel.
“You could cry for an eternity and still look good,” said Lennie.
“But I’m not giving up. At least turn your phone back on. You don’t want to miss it, Will, you really don’t. Think of the drama. You know what Krista’s like at her parties, running around yelling at people to clean up.”
“I can’t wait …” Sara groaned.
Lennie and Sara left after I promised them that no more tears were imminent and that I might come to the party, that I would let them know. Only because they’d genuinely made me feel a little bit better, just by being there.
Pop came home at lunchtime to find me reading in front of the fire. I still hadn’t turned my phone on.
“Willa? Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine. I thought I was sick this morning but I feel way better now.”
“Oh, thank goodness. There’s a terrible flu going around town.” Pop shook his head and took off his woolly hat. “Are you still going out tonight, then?”
I shook my head. “Nope. Staying in this year.” I said it firmly enough that I hoped it wouldn’t invite any more questions.
“About that, Will … I assumed you’d have plans, so I told Jo I’d help hand out treats at the library, and then she’s going to cook … But I can cancel, if you really are sick?” Pop was trying to figure me out, I could tell.
“I’m not sick. I’m absolutely fine. I promise.” I grinned extra hard to convince him.” Go, enjoy your date.”
“You promise to call me if you want me home?” Pop looked at me skeptically.
“I promise. But I won’t need to. I’m a big girl.”
“Well, I hope no matter how big you get, and wherever you go, you’ll never stop needing your old pop.” He ruffled my hair, like I was a toddler all over again.
“Of course I won’t. Actually, the fire is looking a bit sad again, would you mind?” He was happy to reignite the flames.
As darkness fell, Pop headed off to the library with his huge sack of candy. Lennie had always told me how nice Jo was, way before this thing with Pop. And I’d never seen him this excited about Halloween before—it was sweet.
I needed a distraction, or else I was just going to sit around crying about James all night.
Lennie would tell me to watch a Halloween movie.
Something terrifying. But as much as I wanted a distraction, I didn’t really want it to be blood and guts.
I put on A Haunting in Venice; then I could have sworn I heard someone walking across the floorboards behind me, so I had to turn it off. So much for a distraction.
I went into my room and opened my wardrobe. My party outfit was waiting there. A stripy baby tee and tiny denim hot pants, just like what Max had worn in season three. Except sexier.
I changed into the outfit, pulling my red hair around my face to hide the pink crying blotches.
It fitted me perfectly, even though it was absolutely nothing like I would ever wear in real life.
Everything was skintight, and the shorts were so short.
For once, I had really liked my reflection when I’d first tried it on—somehow it had made me feel brave.
Too bad the outfit was going to go to waste.
I sat down on my bed, still in the costume, hoping for some of that courage back—courage I’d had only this morning. Then I took out my notebook and started a new page.
LONDON
· Big Ben
· Tower Bridge
· British Museum
· Notting Hill (the colorful houses!)
· Camden Market
· Coffee with a view of the Thames
· Buckingham Palace
· Take the Tube
PARIS
· Eiffel Tower (obviously)
· Louvre
· Notre-Dame
· Montmartre
· Luxembourg Gardens
· Find a tiny coffee shop with outdoor seating—order a croissant and café au lait
· walk along the seine at sunset
TOKYO
· Shibuya Crossing
· senso-ji Temple
· Harajuku
· Cherry blossoms (if right season?)
· Akihabara
· Find a tiny coffee shop in a quiet neighborhood—maybe one of those minimalist ones
AMSTERDAM
· Anne Frank House
· Canal boat tour
· Van Gogh Museum
· Vondelpark
· Bike everywhere!
· Find a canal-side coffee shop—watch the bikes
· Flower market