Chapter 10 #5
He withdrew his fingers, but kept on stroking her, kept her on the edge of another climax.
Even though she felt wrung out. She also wanted to keep on going.
She wanted more. She wanted everything. He stood up, took his wallet out, and threw it next to her on the mattress.
Then he undid his belt, his pants, and kicked his shoes off as he removed the rest of his clothes.
Her heart stopped.
Well. She understood his point now. He was …
glorious. And very big. But somehow, she just knew that he would be perfect for her.
Because hadn’t he been? Everything he had done had been great.
She expected him to get a condom out and thrust home, but that wasn’t what he did.
Instead, he got onto the mattress, lay next to her on the bed and stroked her face.
It made her heart feel as if it was going to explode. “Are you ready?”
She nodded wordlessly. He moved his hand along her cheek, and she turned her head, biting his thumb.
He chuckled. “You’re a whole thing.”
“So are you.”
He grabbed his wallet, and then he did take out a condom.
They were really going to do this. But in some way, she felt they already had. They had already achieved the kind of intimacy she had always been afraid of.
She wasn’t afraid of him. She wasn’t. But he did make her chest ache. He did make her heart beat faster. She didn’t quite know what to do with that. Because he made her want things.
And wanting things went against her better judgment. Wanting things when she couldn’t hide that she wanted them was even worse.
But then he was kissing her, and she couldn’t think. Even as the blunt head of his arousal pressed against her, she couldn’t think.
And when he filled her, it was everything. He was everything. She was wrong about one thing. Everything that had come before this was nothing like this. Flynn was deep inside her, so deep that it took her breath away. Flynn was moving inside her, and she could feel him. Every glorious inch.
He was shuddering in pleasure now, and the look on his face was almost like pain, except she knew it wasn’t. She knew exactly what it was, because she had felt it.
“I want you,” she said. Because she was trying to blot out the lie she had told. How had she ever told Flynn that she didn’t want him? She was an idiot. She wanted him.
Of course she did.
He was Flynn.
She had never wanted anyone else.
He thrust deep, hard, and his eyes clashed with hers. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe. Terror streaked through her, just for a moment, because that instant felt too big to be contained. It felt too big for her to hold onto.
This felt like something dangerous. Lightning in a bottle, and if that bottle shattered, they were cooked.
But she couldn’t pull away from him. Didn’t want to. She had to see it through to the end, and oh, how she wanted it.
But it was every bit as big as she had always been scared it would be. Every bit as profound.
His movements began to take them both to heaven. She had been so certain there was no way she was going to be able to have another orgasm. But as pleasure chased them both, as it caught up with him, as he began to lose control, she found herself closer to the brink too.
Because she had done this to him. It made her feel like she mattered. Like she was special.
It was that feeling that sent her over. She clung to him, arching against him, even as he shook, calling her name like a curse and a prayer all rolled into one.
She clung to him. She didn’t want it to be over. She didn’t want him to pull away from her. Not now.
“Flynn,” she whispered.
He kissed her cheek. “Thank you,” he said.
“For what?” she asked.
“For giving that to me.”
She wanted to say it wasn’t a big deal. But it was.
It was a huge deal. And she couldn’t pretend.
It was in her nature to push people away.
But doing that with him now would just seem silly.
“You were the only one,” she said because it was true.
“The only one I could’ve done that with.
” He looked as if he had been hit in the head.
“Not because I’m in love with you or anything,” she said quickly.
And immediately felt stupid. “It’s because …
there’s always been something between us.
And when we were talking tonight, I knew that you’re like me. You actually understand.”
He leaned in and kissed her, and suddenly she felt overcome.
“I’m staying,” he said.
“You don’t need to do that,” she responded.
“I want to.”
Jessie started to move slowly underneath the covers, climbing beneath them entirely so he couldn’t look at her anymore.
“Jessie,” he said from outside her cocoon.
“I’m hiding.”
“I see that.”
He lifted the blankets up and got under them with her. It was dim, but not entirely dark, and being this close to him was making her dizzy.
“What’s wrong?”
“You can never underestimate how embarrassing it will be to lose your virginity at twenty-eight.”
“Well. You’ve got me there. I don’t actually know what that’s like.”
“Clearly.”
“Talk to me.”
“But it’s so much easier to keep pushing you away.”
He gripped her arm and dragged her up above the covers again, settling in beside her. “No. That was easier to a point. But it’s not easier now. Now you might as well just tell me everything. Because I already know.”
He presented a winning argument with that. He did already know. He was the only person who knew. Consequently, maybe he was the only reasonable person to have this discussion with. He was the one who had to do this. Had to be the one to … Well.
“I learned a really great trick when I was in middle school,” she said.
“If you act like you have it all, then people believe you. And so I did that. I started acting like I didn’t care about them.
What they thought. I dressed the way that I wanted to, and I acted confident about it.
I acted like I didn’t want to go to their birthday parties.
Like I didn’t need them at mine. And suddenly everyone got a lot more interested in being my friend.
It worked so well I carried it into everything.
But … if anybody actually knew me, then they would know …
” She looked around the room. “This is who I am.”
“Stuffed animals and a pink bedspread?”
“Yes. And baking and actually caring quite a lot what people think about me, and about this community. I didn’t want to let anyone in. And the longer all this went on, the harder it was to explain.”
“Why me?”
“It had to be you. Because …” She was going to have to be honest. Not just with him, but with herself. “I’m attracted to you. I have been for a long time.”
“When? Tell me about the first time.”
“You tell me,” she said. “I think I’ve given up quite enough, don’t you?”
He let out a long, slow breath, lifted his arm up and rested it under his head, and her eyes went to his bicep. Because he really was hot, even now that they were doing this whole intimacy thing. Even now that she felt exposed and a little bit threadbare.
“You snuck into the bar with a fake ID. I think you were probably twenty. I remembered you from high school, of course. You were always pretty. But two years younger than me, which seemed like a lot in those days.”
“True.”
“So when you walked into the bar, it was like … I realized we were basically the same age. But mainly, I looked at you and … my heart just about jumped through my chest. You were wearing white jeans. A white tank top. Your belt was sparkly, and your boots were bright blue.”
“You remember all that?”
“I do. I remember you turned your head, and you smiled at Gus. I think you were giving him a hard time about your ID. Your hair caught the light. Everything about you just sparkled.”
“That was eight years ago.”
“Yeah. It was. And I don’t do abstinence, Jessie. I don’t hold back from what I want, not physically. But there was always something else wrapped around you. I told myself that it was your family name, and mine. They don’t mix. Like oil and water.”
“No. They don’t. At least, they never have.”
“But things are changing.”
She wished he would go away. Because she wanted to curl up in her bed and take everything he had told her and unwrap it like a special present for her to look at in private.
She wanted to do that for the whole night.
She felt inundated with change. And she wanted a moment by herself, but he wouldn’t give it to her. Damn Flynn Wilder.
That he remembered that moment … She didn’t quite know what to make of it.
“Your turn,” he said.
She made a huffing sound. “Well, when you’re in high school, and the boy’s two years older, it doesn’t actually seem like that big a deal.”
“Did you have a crush on me in high school, Jessie?”
“This is why I didn’t want to tell you. Because you’re going to go romanticizing it.”
“That’s me. Hopeless romantic.”
She growled. “No, I just … You know I thought it was really sad that you were so handsome, because your family hates mine so much. I knew I could never go on a date with you. And so I was mean to you sometimes.”
“You were mean to me in high school?”
“You didn’t even notice? That’s kind of insulting. I ignored you.”
“I mean, I was ignoring you because I was a senior and you were a sophomore.”
“Right. Well. You noticed eventually.”
“That you were mean? True. I did.”
“Well, that’s why. Because that’s what I’ve learned. You don’t act like you want something. Once you do, you just feel bad. And acting like I do isn’t necessarily a way to get what you want … I did, though. It just took a while.”
“Are you telling me this was a long con? Are you even running for mayor, or were you just trying to get in my pants?”
She laughed. Grateful that he was being ridiculous. Because if their talk got any more serious, she was going to chew her own arm off. “You caught me. It was all an elaborate ruse.”
“I really hate to tell you this, but all you had to do was ask.”
“Well, I like to do things the hard way.”
She lay there for a long moment, and she really did want to push him a little bit. Ask why he hadn’t made a move on her, since he liked her and all.
But the words stuck in her throat. Because everything felt a little bit raw, and she wasn’t sure how deep into the conversation she wanted to get.
Instead, she didn’t say anything.
“Your family is going to know I spent the night,” he said, pulling her close.
“My family already thinks we are sleeping together.”
“Why didn’t you tell West that it wasn’t real?”
“I don’t know. I guess because it was embarrassing.”
“My family knew.”
“Yeah … I love my brother, but we don’t share things with each other, really.
We perform together. The show is such a big part of our lives.
But there are certain things we don’t talk about.
I think that’s true for the whole family.
It’s funny, because my parents don’t actually care what we do.
You’d think that would mean we talk about everything.
But instead it just … It’s like a facade.
Of being open and sharing our feelings, but we never really do. ”
“Why is that?”
She curled her fingers into fists underneath the blanket.
She didn’t want to say. She didn’t want to tell him that half her problem was that even though her parents could be wonderful people, she felt really angry at them.
If she were truly honest, she would have to get into all that stuff, and she just didn’t want to.
So instead she grabbed hold of his arm and rubbed her face against his skin.
He chuckled and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close. “I’m tired,” she said.
“Then you want to get some rest,” he said.
“Agreed.”
She was exhausted. She felt different. She definitely needed to sleep that off.
And in the morning Flynn would still be here. That was a sobering thought.