Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
PHOENIX
When I wake up the next morning, Jax is still asleep.
I don’t wake him. That’s the least I can do after not letting the poor man sleep until criminally late.
Quietly, I sneak out of my bed and pad over to the bathroom where I quickly wash my face and get dressed in my leathers.
It’s a little after six in the morning. Through the windows I can see the early sunlight spilling over the mountains. The sky is gorgeous. I need to go outside, to enjoy a peaceful moment alone before the rest wake up.
Jax mumbles something under his breath and I freeze halfway to the door. He rolls over onto his back and shakes his head in his sleep. Then, he exhales heavily and continues to sleep.
I let out a breath I was holding and tiptoe out of the room. Thankfully, monks keep their hinges well oiled and the door doesn’t creak as I open and close it quietly.
I’m so surprised that neither Ezkai Emil nor Ezkai Bjorn guard my door that for a moment, I just stand there, looking around the empty corridor.
Damn, I miss being a free woman.
Feeling giddy, I march outside. Last time we stayed here, there was that lovely small garden with a stone perfect for meditation. I want to find it again.
Once I’m outside, the crisp dawn air bites my cheeks. A gentle breeze rustles my untamed hair as I walk the narrow pathways towards the side of the monastery.
There was a fountain, in that little side garden we had access to last time we stayed here. I’m certain there was a fountain.
I wander the vast ground for a little while before I finally spot the damn fountain. Once I approach it, the flat rock surrounded by wildflowers emerges behind it.
Victorious, I walk over to the rock and brush my fingertips over the rough surface.
This is perfect.
Quickly, I climb on top and fold my legs underneath me. With a deep exhale, I rest my palms on my knees and allow my eyes to close.
The first couple of breaths are ragged, and shallow. Something creaks in the distance, and I immediately open my eyes to look around. I expect to find my Ezkai guards back to stalk me, but there’s nothing there.
I’m too tense.
With the next inhale, I roll my shoulders and try to let loose a little. I shake my hands, sway my torso side to side, and when I’m ready, close my eyes again.
This time it’s better.
At turtle speed, I get into the soothing rhythm of deep inhales and exhales. With each breath, my chest opens and my mind clears.
I’m a steady mountain.
I slip into that pleasant state of mind where my body is light, and loose. My mind is a cloud, floating through the clear blue sky with ease.
My body is warm, but not too warm. The tips of my fingers and my toes tingle pleasantly.
The wind tickles my cheeks, and the rustling of the leaves in the trees around me calms me further.
The cheerful chirps of birds that nest in those trees go right through me.
I can sense their presence. I can feel the whole world around me pulse with life.
I’m part of that ecosystem. The piece of a bigger puzzle.
Just as I surrender completely into that bliss, the storm clouds come.
They roll in with thunder. My shoulders sag when the first image pierces my mind like lightning.
Daegel’s dark eyes, and the cheeky smirk on his lips as he stands there in front of me with a wicker basket.
I try to push it away, try to refocus.
Another strike.
He reaches a hand towards me. My memory remembers the details, but what’s worse is that my body remembers how I felt.
How easy it was for me to forget everything else and reach for Daegel’s hand. How little convincing I needed to follow him into the forest.
Another strike. Crueler this time. Daegel’s dark eyes right as I pressed my blade against his throat.
That snaps me out of it.
Breathing heavily, I open my eyes. My heart thunders all the way into my throat. I clear my throat and slowly unfold my legs.
Meditation, once a safe haven, has become my personal torture.
I slide off the rock and pivot towards the forest. The very tops of the trees sway a little with the wind.
Back in Wetra, when the storms came, we’d sit on the back patio of the house with my sisters, bundled up in wool blankets, and watch the trees in the forest dance in the rain.
“It sounds like the roaring waves, doesn’t it?” Fane asked Dad once. “When the storm wind moves the trees.”
Dad smiled, eyes trained on the trees. “It does, dear.”
“Roaring trees,” I said with a giggle.
I don’t mean to turn toward the forest. But my feet do it anyway. Before I know it, I’m walking down the path I and Daegel took when we last stayed here, deeper into the forest.
Just as I remember, it’s dense and lush. Full of life in every branch, bush, and tree. I follow the path, knowing damn well what waits for me at the end of it.
When the sound of rushing water reaches my ears, my heart stumbles in my chest. The air cools a little, and a moment later, I emerge into the clearing with the waterfall where Daegel brought me to train before the first trial.
That day, I was mesmerized by the beauty of the waterfall, the crystal clear water and dark rocks. My heart was full when Daegel set up the blanket and the picnic for us right here, on the dark patch of grass I stand on right now.
Today, though, the water looks dark and cold, the grass tired, as if it has seen better days. Cold seeps into my bones, even through my leathers.
Funny. Life tends to change colors when we’re in love. Things that are rotten appear shiny. Things that are dull, sparkle. Even the most mundane of things appear crafted from gold.
The only time life reveals its true colors is in the absence of love.
A ball lodges in my throat. I try to swallow it, but it’s stuck there. The very tip of my nose tickles, and the backs of my eyes burn as I look at that damn patch of grass.
If you agree to my plan and drop out, I will make you my Taaslord. Fuck, I will make you my damn queen. Daegel’s words surge to the front of my mind.
What a fool I was.
What a fool I am…for still grieving him.
I can’t stop it. I blink, and a couple of tears escape. They roll down my cheeks, leaving wet, warm trails behind for more tears to follow.
I close my eyes, hoping that will stop them.
Daegel’s and my lips met. His kiss was sweet as honey, and I wanted to drown in him. Daegel’s hands were confident as they held me close to his body, and his mouth was just as eager as my own. The moment we pulled away from each other, panting, the spell broke, though, and reality set in.
I took a step back, startled at what just happened. No matter how complicated our relationship was, or how angry I was at him, we just couldn’t stay away from each other.
He rubbed the corner of his mouth and then said, “Stay alive, Phoenix.”
My knees hit the cold, hard ground first. Then my forehead does. I keep my eyes closed, but it does little to stop the tears. A sob wrenches out of my throat. My whole body trembles. I want to scream, and scream. Until my vocal cords are in shreds.
It physically hurts, how much I miss him. Despite what sort of man he truly was. Despite the horrible things he’s done.
It only makes it worse. The guilt is thick, dark mist curled around my heart and lungs.
I force myself to sit on the backs of my heels first. My hands tremble, and I can barely breathe through the tears. I slap a hand over my mouth to try and stifle the sobs. But it doesn’t help.
It’s like a floodgate is open, and all the grief I’ve been denying myself since I won the trials needs to get out.
I need to snap out of this. I can’t…I can’t be like this.
Shaking, and sobbing so hard I can’t get a breath down, I force myself to my feet. Every step feels three thousand miles long, but I head towards the waterfall.
I jump into the pool of dark water without a single thought. Without giving myself a moment to hold my breath.
Feetfirst, I fall.
The cold is paralyzing as the water envelops me in its brutal grip. My eyes widen, whole body frozen in shock. Time slows, and then stops.
Slowly, my limbs relax and stop trembling. Finally, my mind is my own and not occupied by uncontrollable grief.
Suspended in time, I let my body float in the dark freezing cold. It’s cathartic.
Somewhere in the distance, water roars. It’s muted, as if it’s happening somewhere else. The water is so clear, I can see through it like a window. But there’s nothing but darkness. The waters are deeper here than I expected.
My throat loosens. My lungs burn from the lack of oxygen. I fight against the urge to try and breathe until the very last moment.
When I can’t take it anymore, I swim upwards. My lungs scream when I break the water and am finally able to fill them with oxygen.
Once I blink away the water from my eyes, I scream.
Jax stands on the very edge of the pool, looking bewildered. Right behind him are Ezkai Bjorn and Ezkai Emil, weapons drawn.
I hit the surface. “You scared the shit out of me!”
Jax blinks, eyes wild. “Me? I scared the shit out of you? You almost gave me a heart attack!”
I frown. “What?”
Jax gestures to me, and then to the forest behind me. “I woke up to an empty room, feeling all sorts of horrible things! I went looking for you, worried that you’re not feeling well, but couldn’t find you anywhere! Nobody had seen you since last night, not even your guard dogs right here.”
“Hey,” Ezkai Emil says right as Ezkai Bjorn growls, “Watch your mouth.”
Jax continues, ignoring them. “I thought you were dying! You couldn’t breathe, your heart was racing!
And then, all of a sudden, nothing. As if you went into shock or something.
Or were knocked unconscious!” He’s shouting at me.
Jax is actually shouting at me. I don’t think I’ve seen him angry.
Ever. He beats his fist on his chest. “Do you know how that feels?! What the fuck are you doing here?”
I cock my head to the side and glance between the three men. “How did you find me?”
Jax pauses, stunned. Then he splutters, and throwing his hands in the air, whirls on his heel and walks away.
“Un-fucking-believable,” he mutters. “This woman will be the death of me.”
I roll my eyes.
Slowly, I swim towards the shore where Ezkai Emil kneels on one knee and offers me his hand. “The Blood Sentineal was able to sense and track you here through the sacred bond. When he told us that you were gone, we went with him to look for you.”
He helps me out of the water. My leathers are drenched, and now that I’m on dry land, jumping into the cold water doesn’t look like that good of an idea.
Ezkai Emil remains on his knee, head bowed. Ezkai Bjorn joins him, too.
“General, please forgive us.” Ezkai Bjorn speaks first. “We have failed in our duty to guard and protect you at all times.”
“It’s fine,” I say, glancing at Jax, who stands with his back to me, looking at the trees. “I was meditating when I decided I needed to clear my mind with a walk and a cold plunge.”
“We won’t fail you again,” Ezkai Emil says.
I gesture for them to rise.
“You can head back to the monastery. We’ll be right back,” I tell my Ezkai.
“Gener—”
I cut Ezkai Emil off. “Don’t.”
He slams his mouth shut and with a nod, the Ezkai take the path leading back to the monastery.
I wait until I can’t see them anymore before I approach Jax. He stands with his hands stuffed in his pockets as if he’s just casually admiring the forest. But his shoulders are tense.
I don’t need to read his emotions to know he’s…agitated.
“Jax,” I start, but then I pause. I’m not sure what to say. If there’s anything I can say. He stands next to me, but he doesn’t look at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you because I kept you up last night. I meant it when I said I went for a meditation, and then a walk to clear my head.”
Jax’s throat bobs. Still, he doesn’t look at me. “Did you try to drown yourself?”
“No.” My voice comes out sharper than I intend. “I just needed to clear my mind. When meditation and a walk didn’t help, well, that was the only other option available.”
Finally, his head swivels and his dark eyes land on me. He looks at me as if he disagrees, though.
“I know being around me, being connected to me in this way, is…a lot. More than you probably bargained for. If I knew that the bond would create this connection between us I would have thought longer about offering it as a solution to you.”
Jax scoffs.
“I’m sorry. I know you didn’t sign up for this.”
Jax’s lips curl into a sarcastic smirk. He shakes his head and kicks a pebble with his foot. “You just don’t get it, do you?”
I frown. “Don’t get what?”
“The problem isn’t me being your Blood Sentineal, us being bonded and having this connection,” he says and turns to face me fully. For the first time since we met, his gaze is hard as he looks down at me. “The problem is you’d rather break alone than let anyone stand with you.”
I open my mouth to argue, but Jax doesn’t give me an opportunity.
He simply turns and walks away.
Bristling, I kick a rock with my foot. He has no idea what he’s talking about.
Lorca’s presence awakens at the back of my mind. As always, at the worst possible moment.
I brace myself, but no mocking words come. Lorca only chuckles and brushes its tail across my thoughts.
Nothing to add? I snap.
Silence.
For once, Lorca has nothing to say.