One #2
I’d felt it. For a week straight, Luca had been different. He’d been quieter. Slower. Calmer. And avoidant.
“And, each time I muster the strength to tell you, I shut down.”
“Why?”
“I’m a man, Ever. I don’t get to rest. I have responsibilities. And, leaving you to handle all this shit we’ve built together even for a few days is ju– it’s not– I can’t do that.”
“Would you rather I do it alone for the rest of my life?”
“I wouldn’t have that.”
“If you’re dead, baby, you won’t have a choice in the matter.”
“Eve–”
“I’m sorry, Luca, but that’s the reality of ignoring whatever is happening to you.
I’m not sure what it is, but it doesn’t sound like a headache you can take meds for or a cold you’ll get over in a few days.
Something is wrong, and instead of either of us playing the guessing game or you worrying about me handling our family for a week or two, we’re going to see about it. ”
Silently, Luca nodded.
“Mustn’t you forget that you carried our family for weeks on end when I couldn’t even clean my own behind or wash behind my ears.
I’m not a stranger, Luca. I’m your wife.
It is my job to show up for you when you can’t show up for yourself.
Don’t rob me of the opportunity– to help you– to honor you– to care for you.
And, don’t rob us of a future because you don’t want me to.
Through sickness and health, baby. I vowed that. So did you.”
“I know, baby.”
“Then, don’t shut me out, Luca. I’ve been worried. What’s happening?”
“I’m not shutting you out. Please know that I’d never shut you out. I’ve been– I’ve just been protecting you. I know you, Ever. And, you’re fragile.”
“Fragile, Luca, because you’ve granted me the life to be so.
Not because I don’t have another choice.
Fragile and broken are very different. Should need be, then firm will be my first, middle, and last name.
Seeing that my husband is unwell, I will be whoever and whatever I need to be until he’s better.
So, tell me, my love, what’s happening with you?
What’s wrong? Don’t hold back. I can handle whatever comes with you. Gladly. Happily. Eagerly.”
He turned, pulling me closer. Anguished eyes paralyzed me.
“My heart hurts.”
He placed my hand on his chest.
“Hurts?”
Nodding, he confirmed.
“Every day for the last eight days.”
“Steadily?”
He shook his head.
“No. On and off. But, persistent. Very persistent.”
My tears mixed with the water as I snatched the cool towel from the dispenser. I placed it underneath the long rectangle that released loads of soap. One fell after the other. I closed them into the towel and began to combine them.
The fabric brushed against Luca’s neck. Behind his ears. His chest. His shoulders. His arms. Underneath his arms. I lifted them one by one.
His stomach.
His shaft.
His balls.
His thighs.
His legs .
I kneeled, grabbing hold of his right foot. I rubbed the towel back and forth and then between each toe. I repeated the same steps with the second foot. I was back on my feet, twisting his body within seconds.
“Turn around,” my voice cracked.
My nose had spread on my face two inches or more.
My heart hurts, too . I thought, coughing back the tears that didn’t make it down my face.
“Ev–”
“I am not exempt, Luca,” I wept.
“Baby–”
“Shhhh.”
I quieted him, cleansing every inch of his back. His head hung. His body relaxes.
“Bend,” I requested.
He shook his head, hesitating to lean forward.
“Luca–”
He obliged. I cleaned from the top of his crack to his balls, making sure I didn’t leave a patch of skin untouched. I continued down his legs, ending with his ankles. I tossed the towel and grabbed another one.
I swiped the towel across his face. I cleaned his eyes, around his mouth, and behind his ears. He flinched when I dug a finger inside the left ear. I rounded his face and did the same to the other.
I shoved him gently, placing his body under the water again. As the water rinsed his body, I cleansed mine. However, I was not the priority at the moment. I always had been, but it felt good shifting the narrative for once.
My husband cared for me so well that I yearned to become the source of relief for his pain. I was ready to bathe him every day if he needed me to. I was ready to suck him dry if that’s what he needed me to do. I was ready to nurse him to sleep if that’s what he needed me to do.
Whatever you need, Luca .
I wasn’t exempt from duties involving my husband that went beyond the bedroom. I never would be. Serving him was a pleasure of mine, no matter what the task was, because I was aware he wouldn’t ever ask me to do anything I wasn’t capable of.
“Come on.”
I exited the shower ahead of Luca. I wrapped the warm towel around his body and secured it right underneath his left arm. Our fingers intertwined as we made our way to the closet. I didn’t visit my side. I lingered on his, deciding on something for him to slip into.
I settled on a pair of black sweats and a black top. For extra comfort, I removed a black hoodie that was oversized and stonewashed to perfection. With each wash, it softened. It was one of those pieces that just got better with time.
“Baby– I’m going to break a sweat next to you in that.”
“We’re not going to bed, Luca. We’re going to the hospital.”
“Now?”
“Right now,” I emphasized. “You’re a Black man in his forties with a persistent pain in his chest. We’re not waiting until it's too late to figure out what that pain is or where it’s coming from.”
Quietly, he accepted his fate and the clothes I was handing him. As he dressed himself, I made my way to my closet. I grabbed a shirt, pants, and a hoodie that was the same material as Luca’s. I didn’t care if any of it matched. I pulled on piece by piece until I was fully dressed.
I dashed out of the bedroom and down the hallway. I took the stairs to Essence’s bedroom. Upon entering the coastal-themed room, I was reminded that my daughter was not a baby anymore.
She was a budding teenager who was still as guarded as she was as a small child. She was the oldest of the crew, and she took her job very seriously. She was their mother, even when I was around. Essence was the sweetest, but she did not tolerate unruly children or chaos amongst her siblings.
“Esssss–” I whispered, shaking her awake.
“Hmm?”
“Wake up.”
“I’m up,” she groaned. “Is everything okay? Is everyone okay? Where’s Em?”
“Everyone is asleep. I’m going to take Dad to the ER. I need you to keep the house in order until we return.”
At the sound of Luca, she propped herself up in bed. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Rest was no longer on her list of things to do. Worry was.
“The ER?” She whimpered. “Is he okay? Where is he?”
She bolted from bed, running toward the door.
“Where is he?”
My sensitive child .
She and Elle were at each other’s necks. They felt everything. Everything. Their feelings were on their sleeves. While Emorey was the same, her sassiness sometimes consumed her emotions. They kept her sharp and waiting with a witty remark in most cases.
“Essence. You’re going to wake the res–”
“Where is he?” She whispered forcefully, turning to face me.
Her brown skin was beet red.
“He’s–”
“I’m right here, baby girl. What’s the matter?”
Luca’s fingers swiped the tears from her hazel eyes. Essence sighed with relief.
“What’s the matter? Why is Mom taking you to the ER?”
Luca looked at me for answers. I only had the truth. I nodded, letting him know it was best if he told her the same. She deserved that much from us.
“My chest hurts, Es. We need to see what’s up with that.”
“You’ll be right back, right?”
He nodded, “That’s what I’m hoping. I need you to hold it down until I’m back.”
“I will.”
“Sand will be over before the sun rises.”
“She doesn’t have to. I have it. I promise.”
“You sure?” Luca asked.
“Yes. I’ve been part of this circus long enough. I can handle it until morning,” she responded, clearing her face while straightening her spine.
She was up for the task. Her confidence spiked.
“Okay. Well, we’re going to head out.”
“Alright. Text me. Let me know what they say.”
“I will,” I assured her.
She wrapped her arms around her father. Her head fell onto his chest. She was growing like weeds. Her legs were longer than mine. She towered over me effortlessly. I prayed she was done growing. Any taller and she’d be nearly six feet tall. At five eight, I felt like she’d done enough stretching.
“I love you,” she whispered against his shirt.
“Forever, baby.”
“ Forever .”
I felt as though I was interrupting something sacred. My feet began in the opposite direction. I needed a breather. Some fresh air. Some water. Something. Anything. I was drowning, even with my head above water.
Two minutes passed before Luca joined me in the kitchen. His shoulders lifted and fell. His face was flat. His lips were straight across it, displaying the discomfort of our reality.
“Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”