22. Stone
Inever considered myself a wallower. In the past. I never had a reason to mope around my apartment, feeling sorry for myself. Then again, I’d never had someone I loved as much as Emerson confess her love, only for me to tell her off.
I barely pulled myself out of bed the next morning to get ready. Even though we had a win last night, Coach wanted us at the practice facility bright and early the next day. Waking up after breaking Emerson’s heart was worse than waking up with a massive hangover. At least with a hangover, I could nurse myself back to health. I had no idea how I was going to fix a pulverized heart.
I took a quick shower, hoping it would help me feel better—it didn’t. All I could think about was how good Emerson looked standing under the water last night. I could still feel her lips on mine and her body’s response to my touch. It made me ache to hold her once more.
By the time I was clean and flipped the water off, I came to one conclusion—I needed a new shower.
After I dressed and grabbed a protein bar from the kitchen, I grabbed my helmet and leather jacket and headed out of my apartment. Thankfully, everything on Emerson’s side seemed quiet, so I was able to sneak away without having to face her.
I never meant for the two of us to get as close as we did. Kissing her had been a mistake. A glorious, but completely selfish mistake. And then to hear her confess her feelings for me—I knew I’d messed up.
Emerson was too good for me. I’d started our fake relationship with one goal in mind: to pay back the luck that she’d so graciously given me all those years ago. I wanted her to use me because I knew she had the talent, and she just needed the visibility. I wanted to be the one to walk away with a broken heart while she got everything she wanted.
I never wanted her to fall for me.
I would never be worthy of a girl like Emerson. She may think she knew me, but the guy she fell in love with had been fake. And I didn’t want to be there when she realized that I was exactly who her parents told her I was all those years ago. So many people had walked out on the real me in the past—I couldn’t have her leave too.
The only thing that kept me together this morning was the thought that when she woke up, in the cold light of day, she would realize that she didn’t love me. That she could never love me. And she would feel relief, leaving the pain of our almost love to be felt only by me from that moment on.
Because that was the future only I should have—not her. One full of pain and regret.
I pulled into my parking spot and turned the engine off. I swung my leg over my bike and took a moment to pull off my helmet. I felt like I was suffocating, and I needed to breathe. No one was around, so I took my time, taking in deep breaths and letting them out slowly as I walked. When I got to the doors, I punched in the code and entered.
I didn’t really talk to the guys during practice. They tried to engage me, but I just blew them off. After I sacked Isaac a tad too hard, George asked me what was wrong, but I just ignored him. I didn’t have the strength to tell him that Emerson and I were finished. Not after how happy they all were to find out we were dating.
I also didn’t have the patience to explain why her loving me was a bad idea. I knew that they would tell me I was being ridiculous, which I wasn’t. I was protecting Emerson like I’d promised I would do all those years ago.
Her family hated me, and I could never ask her to choose between me and them. That wasn’t fair. It was better for me to walk away. There were plenty of guys out there for her; she just needed to forget about me.
I was standing by my locker after practice, freshly showered, with a towel around my waist. I was putting on deodorant when Colt came up to me.
“Does Emerson have a gig tonight?” he asked. “Katie has been begging me to find out.”
I frowned. “Katie?”
A goofy smile spread across his lips. “She’s my new girl.”
“Nice.”
He raised his eyebrows expectantly.
“I’m not sure about Emerson.”
“What? Why?” He punched me in the arm before wiggling his eyebrows. “You two seemed pretty close yesterday.”
George moved to join our conversation. “I think you made half the stadium jealous of you and the other half jealous of her.” He made a face. “It was sickening to watch.”
I scoffed. “Don’t get your hopes up, guys.”
George groaned like he was in pain. I glanced over to see him shaking his head. “What?”
“You didn’t, did you?”
I’d never realized until right then, but my friends were annoying. “Did I what?”
“You chased her away.”
“I did not.” It was hard to chase away someone who was never yours to begin with.
“Dude. Don’t be an idiot. Whatever you think is going on, it’s not. I’d kill to have a girl look at me like Emerson looked at you yesterday.” Colt fanned his face like he was about to faint.
I pushed his words from my mind. If I ever opened the Emerson door again, there was no way I could ever shut it. “What about Katie?”
He straightened and shrugged. “We’re dating, but it’s not like we’re soulmates.”
Soulmates. That word made my entire body react before I shot it down. Sure, Emerson might be my soulmate. But I knew full well I wasn’t hers. “We’re not soulmates.”
“And that’s why you’re an idiot,” Colt said while pointing his finger at me.
“Ah, leave him alone,” George said as he moved behind Colt and put him in a headlock. “I like to call it ignorant in love.”
I needed this conversation to end. “Why don’t you guys worry about your love lives, and I’ll worry about mine.” I grabbed my clothes and headed toward the bathroom stalls to change just to get away from these guys.
“Ooo! That means you have a love life!” Colt called after me.
I just waved his comment away. Once I was safely behind the stall door, I changed into my jeans and a t-shirt, then threw my towel over my shoulder and walked back to my locker. Thankfully, the guys seemed to have found something better to do, and I was able to finish getting ready by myself. With my leather jacket on, I grabbed my helmet and headed to the parking lot.
Colt’s question was still picking at me, so I swiped my phone on and found Hayden’s number as I walked. I didn’t know if Emerson had a gig tonight or not, but I knew Hayden would be able to find out. Since I hadn’t heard from Tilly today, I could only assume that Emerson told her about last night.
I was most likely blacklisted by both of them.
Hayden was quick to text back that she didn’t know but she’d do some digging. I texted her a thumbs-up and slipped my phone into my back pocket.
I stopped by the grocery store on my way home. I grabbed some essentials and rode the rest of the way home. With my bike parked in its spot, I gathered my groceries and headed to the elevator. When it got to the fourth floor and the doors opened, I paused before I leaned forward to see if I was alone.
Thankfully, no one was there, so I stepped out and hurried to my door. I unlocked it and went inside, closing the door quickly behind me. I had resolved to stay away from Emerson, but I had a feeling that resolve would quickly dissolve with one look at her. It was hard enough watching her walk away last night. I wasn’t strong enough to let her do it again.
Once I was safely behind the door, I kicked off my shoes and put the groceries away. After feeding Oscar, who was very vocal in letting me know he was not happy I skimped on feeding him this morning, I searched the freezer for some of Gran’s famous homemade chicken noodle soup that she’d made me before she left. I was saving each bag for a special occasion, and while this occasion wasn’t special, it was needed.
With my bowl of heated soup, I grabbed a spoon and headed into the living room. I set my food down on the coffee table as I pulled open my laptop. I’d missed Gran’s last few emails because I’d been so busy with Emerson. I spent the evening reading and eating, laughing at the anecdotes that Gran sent. She was having a blast, and I was so happy for her. I missed having her here—especially right now—but she deserved this.
I kept my response pretty mild. I didn’t go into what had happened between me and Emerson. I didn’t want her worrying about me.
After my soup was gone and the email sent, Hayden texted me that Emerson had a gig and asked if I wanted to know where it was. I told her that I didn’t—I wasn’t sure I could stay away if I knew—and told her to send an acorn. They’re an English charm that helps people heal.
Hayden sent me a thumbs-up, and I thanked her. I set my phone down and leaned back on the couch. I closed my eyes and took in a few deep breaths. Soon, Emerson would be signed to a label. She would be happy and find her soulmate. She would get everything she deserved in this world.
And me? I was going to stay here until my heart stopped breaking or old age took me. Whichever happened first.