Chapter Seven
“The teacher says I am really smart. She said she wouldn’t have been able to tell that I hadn’t been in school for a while.”
I wince at Emily’s words. The lie I told the school was that we had a very ill family member we had to travel to take care of, so the kids missed some school. They accepted it, but said the kids would need to catch up. I’m glad Emily seems to be.
I help her rinse her mahogany hair before pulling her from the bath.
“I’m glad you had fun today,” I tell her, drying her hair before I hand her the brush.
“Go wait in your room. I’ll come brush your hair.”
She nods and runs off to the room she claimed on day one. Tonight will be her first night sleeping in there. Not that I won’t let her climb into bed with me if she wants, but I figure we need to get back into a normal lifestyle. She needs to feel comfortable sleeping on her own again.
Stepping out of the bathroom, I walk toward Tanner’s room.
He’s sitting on his bed reading a book from school.
“You didn’t talk much at dinner. How was your day?” I ask.
“It was fine,” he mumbles.
“Did you make any friends?”
He shrugs.
I sigh, moving to sit on the edge of his bed. “We are safe here. You don’t have to be on guard anymore.”
It’s something I wish I could do as well, but I know I never will. Not as long as Evan is out there, but it’s my burden to bear.
“How do you know we are truly safe?” he asks.
“Mac is right next door. Your father doesn’t know what names we are using. I haven’t used anything that would bring him here. He can’t find us,” I promise him.
“What if Mac is a monster too? How can we trust him?” He huffs.
It’s a good question. One I have had myself, but we can’t keep on this way. I need my kids to heal, so I need to heal too.
“You know, I don’t know, but I am going to be paying attention to his actions.
Remember your dad? When he would get angry, he would say really mean things.
He would hurt other things, like the wall and stuff.
He would hurt me. He would say negative things about others.
So pay attention to Mac. See how he reacts to things.
I think that is how we will know he won’t hurt us.
So far, he hasn’t done any of those things, so I am choosing to trust him. ” I pat Tanner’s hand.
“Fine, but if he is mean even once, we leave.”
I sigh. “We can discuss it if it happens. I love you, kid. You’ve had to grow up too fast. Let me handle this, and you be a kid.”
He pauses, but then he nods once.
“After I brush your sister’s hair, I’m going to read her a story. You should go to bed soon.”
Leaning forward, I kiss his forehead before heading to the door.
“I love you, Tanner.”
“Love you, Mom.”
Shutting his door behind me, I make my way down the hall to Emily’s room. She is already trying to brush her hair, making me smile.
“Here, let me do that.”
After a quick brush and a longer bedtime story, she’s sleeping and tucked into bed.
I press a soft kiss to her forehead before whispering, “I love you.”
Leaving her room, I peek into Tanner’s room and find him asleep as well.
The walls start to feel like they are closing in around me.
Air. I need air.
Finding my way onto the back porch, I take a seat and stare up at the sky.
How could I have put us in this situation? How did I let things with Evan get so bad?
I know how. He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. In high school, he was a sweet guy. Sure, he had his moments of outbursts, but I explained that away as teenage hormones. He didn’t mean to drink too much. He accidentally hit me.
I never thought I would be the woman who made excuses for a man, but looking back at it now, I should have escaped when I was a teen. I never should have married him.
Not that I can regret it. Marrying him gave me the two most important people in my life. Still, I should have left sooner before he put his hands on Tanner. That is a regret I will live with for the rest of my life.
I feel the tears start to fall down my face as I let the reality of my situation truly hit me. This is my life now. I can never go back. I will never see my family again. Not that it would matter. They love Evan. They don’t see him as the monster he is. I’m sure they are on his side.
It hurts, though, knowing that he is the monster, but I am the one who had to give up my entire life and start from scratch. I hate him. I hate the life we once had. I hate everything that is related to him.
The rumble of a bike draws my attention to the front of the house. Walking around the corner, I let out a relieved breath when I see Mac getting off his bike.
I try to wipe away my tears, but I know I look like a mess. He looks my way before he walks between the houses, coming to my side.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his hand moving slowly as he grabs my hand.
I let him, enjoying the comfort of the touch.
God, I don’t even remember when the last time someone other than the kids touched me gently.
“Yeah. Reflecting on the past is all,” I tell him.
“Want to talk about it?”
I shrug, pulling away as I go to sit on the steps of the deck once more. He joins me, the heat of his body close.
“Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve what happened. I’m sure you have guessed some of it. My husband isn’t a good man,” I whisper.
“Ex-husband. You aren’t that woman anymore. You are Jane Sheridan now.” He nudges my shoulder.
I freeze. I hadn’t thought about it like that. Am I really not his wife anymore?
“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“No. You didn’t. You are right. I’m not his wife anymore. I left. I changed my name. The Jane who was his wife is dead and gone. I don’t want to be her anymore. I just wish I knew how to be who I want to be now.” I look over at him.
“It won’t happen overnight. You will still react to certain things.
That’s a trauma response, like when I move too quickly and you flinch.
That will eventually fade, but not right away.
” He moves very slowly as he puts his arm over my shoulder.
“As for who you want to be, you are free now. You can be whoever you want to be. So experiment. Cut your hair. Buy new clothes. Go to the bar. Learn to knit. Pick up reading. Whatever you want. I’ll be here to support you. ”
How can he be so kind? I didn’t even realize his slow movements were in response to my own reactions. He saw them and altered how he acted to make me feel more comfortable. He is sitting here, willing to let me figure out how to live while being my safety net.
When did this man go from a stranger to someone I look to for comfort? It’s only been a little over a week, but I am starting to trust Mac.
“No bars. Not with the kids, but maybe I will look into some hobbies,” I tell him.
“Good.” He looks up at the sky. “Beautiful night, isn’t it?”
I lean my head on his shoulder, taking the comfort I know I should be wary of. I’m so tired, though. Tired of always being on the offense. Maybe for one moment, I can let him take the load from my shoulders and relax.
“It really is.”
We stay like that for an hour, talking about little things, before I finally bid him good night.
As I fall asleep that night, my dreams are of striking blue eyes instead of the dark brown ones that have haunted me.
It’s been two weeks of Jane working at the garage, and it’s not getting any easier for me to keep my distance.
So far, I have let her come to me if she wants to talk.
At work, she comes and chats with me for a little bit each day.
I like it, but I don’t want to push too far.
She is healing. She doesn’t need to be thinking about dating yet.
At the same time, I am becoming desperate.
I want her attention. I want her to want me the way I want her.
Well, maybe not, because I am utterly obsessed with her. Every little thing she does has my attention. I even find myself hanging out on my back porch most evenings in case she wants to break down like she did before. She hasn’t, but I make sure I am available in case she does.
“You coming?” Gunner asks as he heads to the clubhouse.
I nod, leaving the garage behind as I follow him up to the clubhouse.
Once we are all in church, Bear shuts the door and takes his seat.
“We have three new prospects joining. Gunner, you better talk to Sloane, because Lee wants to prospect. He’s seventeen, so I’m making it official,” Smoke tells him.
Gunner grimaces, but nods. “She is aware of his intentions. She doesn’t want him to prospect because she had hoped for more for him, but understands it is his decision.”
“Good. Now the next run is Friday. Mac, are you still heading it?” Smoke asks.
I shake my head. “I need to switch out. I have plans.”
It’s not a total lie. I do have plans…to be available for Jane.
What a change I have gone through. I was taking every run I could before. Now, I can’t imagine leaving town. What if she needs me?
“I’ll take it,” Tank says, nodding at me.
Ever since I threatened to kill him, he has been more subdued around me. I meant it at the time, but I wasn’t really mad at him. More staking a claim I don’t have a right to.
What if she decides she wants someone else in the club? Would I be able to handle it?
No, I wouldn’t, but I refuse to be the man she left behind. If she doesn’t want me, I will leave and become a nomad. Anything to keep her happy.
Pushing the thoughts away, I tune back into the conversation.
“Fang and Loyal will be meeting you with a couple of their guys in Houston. It’s more than halfway for us, but they have some shit going down and don’t want to be too far from home. I agreed to it. They would return the favor if it was us,” Gunner says.
“More time on the road ain’t a bad thing,” Bear says in his gravely tone.
“I’ll need someone to cover my shifts at the garage,” Tank says.
“I’ll handle your workload,” I tell him.
He nods once.
“Great. Anything else?” Smoke asks.
“Sloane wants to do a family get-together in a couple of weeks. If you approve, she wants to see if Kelly will help.”
“I don’t see an issue with a club get-together. Tell the club girls if they want to come, they dress respectably,” Smoke demands.
“Why?” Tank asks.
Smoke looks at me. “There will be children present. Right, Mac?”
He wants me to bring Jane and the kids. Fuck, he sees right through me.
“I’ll ask them if they want to come,” I promise him.
“Good. Now get out of here. I got better shit to do than look at all your ugly mugs.”
Smoke bangs the gavel, dismissing us.
I don’t hesitate. I rush out to my bike and tear out of there without another look back.
The drive home is a quick one. It’s why I bought a house where I did. It’s less than a ten-minute drive.
Cutting the engine in the driveway, I glance at Jane’s home like I always do. I see the blinds move, her beautiful face coming into view.
I wave at her, smiling. She waves back but holds up a finger.
I take my time climbing off the bike before I head over to her front porch. She steps out in a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt.
“Hey,” she whispers.
“Hi. You okay?” I ask.
“Yeah. Couldn’t sleep. You are back late.”
I fight the smile threatening to show on my face. She noticed that I was home later than normal. She is noticing me.
“I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t wake the kids.” I look behind her as if I can see them.
“Oh no. They are sound asleep. I’m glad you are home. I sleep better knowing you are next door.”
“I’ll try not to be late then,” I tell her.
“What? No, that’s not what I meant.” She stumbles over her words.
I grab her hand, slowly placing it on my chest.
“Don’t backtrack. You should be able to say what you want.
Ask for what you want. Demand better. You sleep better with me here?
Then I will do everything in my power to always be here.
You deserve to sleep well. It’s late, though, and you have work tomorrow, so how about you go inside and get some rest. I’ll be next door all night. ”
She swallows hard before looking up into my eyes. There is confusion there, but she isn’t pulling away. I take it as a win.
“Can I hug you?” she whispers.
“Anytime you want,” I answer without hesitation.
She steps into me, her arms reluctantly coming around my waist. I fold my arms over her shoulders, pressing her closer.
“I miss this. Intimacy without the fear,” she admits.
I hate that she feels that way.
“Anytime you miss it, you come to me. You don’t even need to ask. I’m happy to hug you anytime you need.”
She holds on for a moment longer before pulling back.
“Thank you, Mac. I don’t know if I can ever trust a man again, but if I could, it would be a man like you. Good night.”
“Good night, Jane. Sleep well.”
As she steps inside, I replay her words.
I don’t want her to trust a man like me.
I want her to trust me.
I want her to be mine. The kids too.
I only need to make her see that I am nothing like her ex and everything like her future.