Chapter Eight
I stand from the dining room chair and stretch. My back pops, making me groan.
Now if only I could do something about my ass being numb from sitting so much.
Hell, even the chair in Bertha’s truck wasn’t as bad as the one in the office or the wooden dining chair.
I eye the clock and see that I still have a little bit of time before I need to start dinner, and an idea starts to take form.
“Hey, Tanner,” I call out.
“Yeah?”
“Would you mind watching your sister for a little bit while I take a quick shower before dinner, please?” I ask.
“Can we watch TV?” he asks.
“Sure.”
“Sit next to me, Tanner,” Emily says as she crawls onto the couch.
Like the good brother he is, he does as she asks. Grabbing the remote, I log into Bertha’s account for a streaming service. For a moment, guilt hits me right in the stomach.
I shouldn’t be using her accounts. It’s not right. In fact, it goes against their bylaws.
Soon. Soon enough, I’ll be able to afford my own account, and I won’t have to rely on hers.
“You okay, Mommy?” Emily asks.
I look over at my daughter and see her head is tilted to the side as she studies me.
“I’m fine, baby. Now, be a good girl and listen to your brother, okay? I’m going to take a shower, and when I get out, I’ll make you some noodles. How does that sound?”
“Noodles!” she cheers, throwing her hands in the air.
Tanner groans. “Again? We just had noodles.”
“I know we did, love. I’m sorry,” I tell him, feeling like a piece of shit.
I want to offer them more, but noodles are cheap and easy to make. Right now, we need to try to save as much money as possible in case we need to run again. Besides, I need to pay rent soon. We have been here almost a month.
“It’s fine,” he mutters, his eyes going back to the TV.
I force one foot in front of the other and head into my bedroom. Quickly, I grab a change of clothes and head into the bathroom. The water warms up, and I strip, and as soon as I step under the spray, the tears begin to fall.
Every parenting insecurity that Evan accused me of comes back to me full force.
I’m a horrible mother.
I can’t provide for them.
They don’t love me.
I’m a failure.
I can’t give them everything they deserve.
For a moment, one small moment, I wonder if they would be better off without me. As quickly as the thought hits me, I push it away.
No, if I weren’t here to take care of my babies, they would be put into the system. Or even worse, they would be sent to live with him. His words were a way to manipulate me into staying, but they weren’t the truth.
Just the thought of him having control over my babies makes my stomach roll.
I can’t think about it. If I do, I’ll spiral even more.
Pushing all the bad thoughts away, I take a quick shower that reminds me of what I had to do when the kids were babies. I remember when I used to have to bring them into the bathroom with me. I would peek out at them every five seconds to make sure they were fine.
I can’t help but smile as I remember the one time I looked out and saw that Tanner had unraveled the toilet paper roll and was wrapping Emily’s bouncer with it.
As soon as that thought hits, I remember the aftermath.
Evan came home and wanted to know what had happened.
Instead of finding it funny like I did, he got angry.
He said that we were wasteful. Then he took his anger out on my body.
No. No. No. I can’t think about it.
I push the memory into a box in the back of my mind.
Once I’m clean, I quickly dry off and get dressed. I run a brush through my hair before I put it up in a clip to keep it out of the way while I cook. Leaving the bathroom, I head down the hall. As I look around the living room, panic starts to build.
“Tanner,” I say to my son as he sits on the couch, engrossed in a TV show.
“Yeah?” he says without looking away from the TV.
“Where is your sister?” I ask, trying to keep the panic at bay.
“She said she was going to her room,” he says, turning to look at me.
I just passed her room. She wasn’t in there.
Without a second thought, I take off toward the kitchen. The back door is wide open. I hear Tanner behind me, but I turn and point a finger at him.
“You stay in the house.”
He nods, looking guilty.
“Emily!” I yell as I step through the back door.
The yard is empty, making fear take hold of me.
Oh god. Did he find us? Did he take her? Did someone else grab her? Do the neighbors have pools? Could she have fallen in? Oh god, she doesn’t know how to swim.
“Emily!” I scream again.
“Jane,” a man barks, making me flinch.
I look over and see Mac standing between our yards. Instead of looking angry, he looks concerned.
“You with me?” he asks.
“Emily. I need to find Emily.” I sob.
“She’s over here with me,” he says, pointing over his shoulder.
I rush toward him and breeze past him without asking for permission to cross onto his property. As soon as my eyes land on my daughter, I gasp, feeling like I can finally breathe for the first time since I realized she wasn’t inside.
“Emily, what are you doing out here? You know you aren’t supposed to go outside alone,” I scold her as I kneel in front of her.
She’s sitting in a camping chair next to the grill.
“Mac was out here, and I wanted to talk to him,” she tells me as she swings her legs back and forth without a care in the world.
“New rule, you can’t go outside without talking to me first, okay? It’s not safe to wander off by yourself.” I hug her to me.
Emily giggles. “Mommy, I was safe. I was with Mac.”
Mac. Right. He saw my freakout.
I look over at him even though I’m feeling completely mortified. “I’m so sorry she bothered you.”
His eyes soften, and he rocks back on his heels with his hands in his pockets. “You have nothing to apologize for. You were scared.”
“Still, she shouldn’t have come over here and bothered you.”
He shrugs. “She can come over here anytime.” He looks over at my daughter. “As long as your mother says it’s okay, right, Emily?”
“Right,” she says, bobbing her head.
Slapping my thighs, I stand. “Okay, little miss, let’s go home. I need to make dinner.”
“What are you having?” Mac asks.
“Noodles. It was the easiest thing to carry back from the store down the road,” I tell him reluctantly as I look at his grill with longing.
I don’t remember the last time I had something hot off a grill. Evan hated grilling. So much so that he refused to let us own one even though he knew I loved it. Having something hot off a grill sounds a million times better than noodles.
Maybe someday I’ll have one of my own.
I give him a small smile, heading back to our place.
“Noodles. It was the easiest thing to carry back from the store down the road.”
As soon as the words leave her mouth, I want to kick myself in the ass. I’m a fucking dick for not thinking about the fact that she would need to get groceries and shit. Shit, she’s even taken rideshares to work, and I never thought twice about it until now.
Here I was thinking that I was helping her, making sure she had everything she needed, but I’ve been failing. I missed one of the most important things she could need.
That ends now, though.
We have some loaners at the shop. First thing in the morning, I’ll ask Smoke if she can use one until she gets her feet under her and can get one for herself. Hell, I know for a fact that he won’t say no. He will just toss me a set of keys to give to her or give them to her himself.
Surely that will help, right?
As I run my hand over my mouth, I watch as she looks at my grill with longing.
She gives me a small smile before she heads back to her place, but I can’t let her step inside. If she does, I won’t see her again today. I don’t know how I know that, but I do.
“How about you guys join me for dinner?” I ask, without thinking twice.
“Can we?” Emily asks, clasping her hands under her chin.
“I-I don’t…” Jane trails off.
“I have more than enough food. Honestly, you would be doing me a favor,” I tell her.
She bites her bottom lip and stares at the grill for a second. If I had to guess, I bet she’s trying to come up with an excuse to walk away.
I wait her out. I won’t pressure her into it, but, fuck, I want to. I want to tell her that she could have every last morsel of food I have if she would only spend a little more time with me. I keep my mouth shut and am rewarded when she finally speaks.
“Okay, fine, but only if you’re sure.”
“I am. As long as you guys like brats and burgers,” I tell her.
“What’s a brat?” Emily asks.
“It’s like a hot dog. You love hot dogs,” Jane tells her without missing a beat.
I have to stop myself from laughing. Yeah, brats and hot dogs aren’t the same. Sure, they are the same shape, but they are different. Then again, to a kid, I guess they would be the same.
“Emily, let’s run home and grab your brother,” Jane tells her.
Emily crosses her arms over her chest and pouts. “I want to stay right here.”
“She can stay if you’re okay with it,” I tell her.
“Okay, sure,” Jane says quietly.
Emily and I watch her mother cross the yard and head into their house.
“Want to help me carry food out?” I ask Emily.
“Okay,” she says as she slides out of her chair.
We head into the house, and I grab the burgers and brats from the fridge. I give her the package of brats and let her carry it as I grab a spatula from the drawer. When we get back outside, Emily sits back down in her chair with the brats in her lap and looks around.
“What are you looking for?” I ask as I set the plate with burgers down and turn on the grill.
“Do you have any colors?” she asks quietly.
“Colors?”
She nods. “Yeah, for the ground.”
Chalk. She means chalk.
“I don’t. Do you have some at home?”
She shakes her little head as her bottom lip wobbles.
Shit.
I move to her and kneel down. “Hey, don’t cry. It’s okay. How about the next time you come over, I’ll make sure I have some for you to play with, okay?”