Chapter 2
DUKE
“I’m full as hell,” Mahogany said, sprawled out on the couch, with her eyes closed and her hand over her stomach.
I wanted to touch her. Wanted to kiss her and hold her in my arms, too, but I was on the other end of the sectional, just…
watching her. I was, as always, treading lightly.
Had to. She might’ve been in a straight mood but today didn’t erase what happened between us.
So, I didn’t push. Hell, a nigga was just grateful for the opportunity to simply be in her presence.
It was after eleven and the house was fairly quiet with the exception of the kids’ devices going in the background.
We were in the living room—had just finished dinner a couple hours ago.
But because Mahogany always needed something sweet after dinner, she just finished a slice of turtle cheesecake the caterer hooked up for me.
Yeah, I got back in touch with dude. It was short notice, but he came through and cheffed up a five-course meal for us.
Because it was last minute and he had to come through twice, I paid him again.
Today was birthday 2.0, as Honesty called it, and it turned out to be better than I could’ve imagined.
Shit, I didn’t even see a birthday 2.0 in the cards for Ne after the way she handled me earlier.
I pissed her off. Popped up at her job on some nut shit, wanting to talk, knowing she didn’t play that shit.
Shorty left me in the lounge for hours and still hadn’t given me a fair shot at a conversation.
I figured, with the kids wining down, and the mood being mellow, now would be the best opportunity to talk.
I didn’t have a leg to stand on for real, but before I let her think I was cheating, I’d plead my case ‘til the death of me. She didn’t need to know the truth right now. All she needed was to know that I wasn’t out here on bullshit.
“Ne,” I softly said, leaning over a little closer to her side of the couch.
“Hmm?” She cooed.
“Can we talk—”
“Please Duke. Let me chill,” She interrupted. “I don’t want to end the night on no bullshit. I just want a good night.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m not on no bullshit, baby. I swear to God. I just—” I paused and shook my head. “Ne, I’m worried about tomorrow.”
I was.
Shook like a bitch.
Tomorrow today would be over, and it would be right back to the bullshit.
I couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t stomach another day with silence, the cold shoulder, and smart remarks.
Or worst… I couldn’t walk around this bitch worried about her leaving again.
I was in over my head covered with stress.
All I wanted was for home to be my solace.
My safe space. A hug when I walked through the doors.
Something other than what the fuck its been.
“Worried about tomorrow for what? What’s tomorrow?” She asked, her tone low and mellow thanks to the glass of Caymus she polished off a couple minutes ago.
I nervously laughed.
“Tomorrow today will be over and… shit… back to reality.”
“Never left reality. Still stuck in it,” she said.
That shit sounded like… I don’t know. Like misery, the way she put it.
Stuck in it. What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
She was miserable. I knew that. But fuck, I didn’t know her reality was like hell.
That’s the way it sounded to me. Instead of asking what she meant, I let it go, deciding to choose my battles wisely.
And since I didn’t want to battle, but reconcile instead, I stayed focused on the mission: fixing the issue.
“You know what I mean, bae,” I said through a deep breath. “Look at me real quick.”
With a sigh, she lazily opened her eyes and looked over at me.
Her gaze was empty. Lifeless. Cold. There was no twinkle in it.
Not like how it was when she came home. Not like how it was when she opened her gifts and interacted with the kids.
Mahogany gave me lifeless eye contact. It was almost as if I was staring to a pool of brown nothingness. Damn. Shit made my skin crawl a little.
“I love you, Mahogany. You.” Pausing, I glanced over my shoulder at the stairs to make sure no one was coming. “I know I been moving a little funny lately, but I swear on the kids I’m not cheating baby.”
Her eyebrows raised and she sat up on her elbows. “Ducati, don’t—”
“When have I ever played with my fuckin’ kids, Ne? Never. You ain’t never heard no shit like that come out of my mouth and I’m lying. Have you?”
She didn’t say anything because she couldn’t.
Back when I was on bullshit, I put it on everything but my kids.
My momma, my sister, my brother, shit my life…
never the kids. I didn’t really believe in that shit for real, but I wasn’t risking it.
Not when it came to them. As fucked up as it might sound.
“It’s therapy baby, that’s it. Therapy,” I lied.
“And work. But therapy more than anything. You know how I feel about it. I don’t like going down memory lane, talking about painful shit.
I just…” I paused. “I want us to move forward. You see what happened? Going backward ain’t do shit but cause problems, bro. ”
“In order for us to move forward, we have to look backwards. If you didn’t want to do therapy, you could’ve been real and said that.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want to do therapy, Ne. I want to do whatever necessary to make us work. I’m sayin… that shit is hard for me. Look at how easy it was for you to go back to thinkin’ I’m cheatin? I think that shit opening up doors we left closed and—”
“Doors you closed Duke. You think just because you moved forward, I did?” She shook her head, and her eyes glossed over with disgust. “I pushed a lot of shit down and kept moving because shit… what else was I supposed to do? It’s not just us.
You—” she paused and tossed her head back against the couch pillows with a light laugh.
“Listen… I’m really not trying to do this shit right now. ”
I scooted over closer to her, wanting to touch her feet bad as hell.
Anywhere on her, for real. I needed some type of contact.
Some type of connection. I needed to know she wasn’t as far gone as it felt like she was.
I mean, after I put it on the kids that I wasn’t cheating, I saw a little glimmer of hope, but it was snatched right back after I said what I said about the closed door.
“If not right now then when, Mahogany? I told you… tomorrow… shit gon’ flip right back over to the other side unless we talk right now and you know it.”
“I’m just trying to enjoy my little buzz, bro,” she complained. “I don’t have time for this shit man. I really don’t. Talking about the same shit, going through the same shit, listening to the same lies. This shit is dead.”
I drew back. “Dead?”
She locked eyes with me and gutted me when she said, “Doorknob dead, Duke. You think I believe you ‘cause you got desperate and put it on the kids? Nigga, please. If I find out—”
“Nah, on some real shit… what’s goin on? I just kept it all the way one hundred with you and you still on bullshit, Ne? You fuckin’ somebody else and need a reason to leave? Shit baby if—”
“Duke suck my ass,” she said, as if I wouldn’t bend her ass over and do just that, gladly. Women said the dumbest shit sometimes. A nigga would be honored to suck on that phat muthafucka.
“Bend over,” I said. “The fuck?”
She sucked her teeth and kicked me. “Get the fuck away from me with that dumb shit. I’m probably fucking someone else.
Reverse psychology is dead too. You’ve been doin that for how long?
Sayin that for how many years? You think if I was out here fucking someone worth leaving you over, I would need a reason to leave?
Tuh! Like you haven’t given me a million reasons to do that already. ”
The Caymus, as usual, had her talking crazy to me.
And just like before, I was letting the shit slide.
I didn’t have room for real to do anything else.
She wasn’t lying though. Every time she accused me of cheating or got to moving funny because I had been, I said she was fucking with somebody else.
Mahogany had never given me a reason to think she was cheating.
She couldn’t. She was mine. Through and through.
Loyal to a fault. The pussy and everything else attached to it was mine.
I knew what it was. I just needed something to say because what the fuck? She was coming down hard on a nigga.
“Ay look,” I somberly said. “This conversation goin’ nowhere real fast. I’m not even trying to go there with you, Ne. I’m just sayin… we made an agreement to try. Let’s keep tryin’.”
“Keep trying for what, Ducati!?” She yelled. “Hmm? Give me a solid reason to keep trying. Other than time. Other than love. Other than the kids. You ain’t done shit lately but show me that—”
“Show you what? That tryin’ ain’t easy? Ne, I walk around this bitch every day on eggshells, trying to make sure I don’t step on the one that’s going to make you leave me.
You really think I’m out here on dumb shit?
” I waved her off, shaking my head. “I been done with that shit, Ne. I’m trying my best out here and you think I’m cheatin ‘cause my work schedule changed up? That’s the only proof you got!
? If you want to leave just to leave, just say that ‘cause anything else is just bogus as fuck, my baby.”
Mahogany didn’t say anything for a minute.
She just looked at me with this flat expression, and cold empty brown eyes.
Shit sent a chill down my spine, for real.
I didn’t scare easy. Could handle just about anything thrown at me but Mahogany leaving?
Bro, that shit scared the fuck out of me.
By the look in her eyes, and the way she’d been moving lately, I’d say she had one foot out the door.
And that… Nah… I wasn’t going. I needed both feet planted firmly on solid ground, on the side of the door that I stood on.