10. Not That, Please
Not That, Please
Ican't sleep.
Every time I close my eyes, I see it. The fountain. The roses. Sadie up on her toes with her arms around his neck.
My husband, kissing a woman who isn't me.
I roll onto my side then the other. I do it again and again until I realize I’m about to turn myself into a plump piece of unwanted human dough, and so I stop and just shove my face into the pillow instead.
Darkness is all I see now, but it doesn’t help.
Aaargh.
I sit up in a fit of frustration, helplessness, and heartbreak.
It’s already two in the morning, but the memory…
That memory…
It’s kept me up all night, and I just…I just need to do something.
I need to keep my mind busy, and so I find myself impulsively getting out of bed.
What I’m about to do is insane, but I’m just ready to try anything at this point, and so I take off the gold chain around my neck and place it inside my bedside drawer before changing into my swimsuit.
This is going to be my first time taking advantage of the pool access perk for staff. Hopefully, no one will be around to see me crying. Or if someone’s there, then hopefully they won’t realize my face is wet with tears.
Because right now…
It’s already started.
And it makes me feel like an idiot.
I’m crying on the way to the pool at two in the morning, and I’m crying for something I initiated. If that’s not the definition of stupid, I don’t know what is.
The pool is thankfully empty when I get there, with the lights turned low, and my bare feet only make the softest noise against the tiles. I stand at the edge, staring at my reflection in the water, and that’s when it gets worse.
Just please stop.
Please. Please. Please.
Just stop.
Because this time, I’m not just an idiot.
This time I think I’m also losing my mind because here I am, jumping into the heated water of the pool—
Please just stop loving him.
—while my mind cries out to my heart like they’re two completely separate entities.
Aaargh.
I swim and swim until I’ve lost count of the number of laps I’ve completed, and the muscles in my arms have started to burn.
But I keep swimming because it’s amazingly effective in silencing the noise in my mind and numbing the pain in my heart.
I swim and swim and swim, and I only stop when my lungs also feel like they’re on fire.
I drag myself up the steps and out of the pool, my body heavy, and my heart even heavier. I wipe the water out of my eyes, and that’s when I see…
Ruel?
The shock of seeing him has me backing away unthinkingly, and the next thing I know, my heel is slipping on the wet tile, and oh no.
I’m about to fall back into the water when Ruel catches me, his hand closing around my arm as he yanks me away from the edge, and I stumble right into him.
Oh!
I’m still completely wet from my swim, and thanks to my almost-accident, so is he.
“I’m so sorry.” I jerk away in horror, and I’m even more horrified when I see my shape tattooed on his shirt in a painfully big patch of wet fabric. “I d-didn’t expect—”
"It's fine."
I’m already shaking my head before he’s done speaking. “No, it’s not, let me…” My voice falters as my anxiety grows. I grab my towel off the lounger, but I’ve barely begun dabbing at his chest when his fingers curl around my wrist.
“You don’t have to do that.”
My arm is already dropping back to my side even before he releases me. The hardness of his tone is like a wake-up call, but it’s still not enough to make me meet his gaze.
This…
This is really Ruel standing in front of me.
The man who married me to save my life.
And the man whose lips another woman has already tasted, and…oh God!
A shockwave of pain strikes me out of nowhere at the thought—
No, Kar, don’t hide from the truth.
This isn’t just some random thought torturing my mind.
Sadie Amparo kissing him by the fountain—
That’s a memory I can’t and shouldn’t deny, and it hurts.
It hurts so, so bad that even now, I find myself doing it again.
Please God.
The one thing that I didn’t do even with all the bad things that have happened in the past.
Please help me get past this.
“You’re shaking.”
The harshly spoken words yank me out of my thoughts, and the first thing I see is Ruel reaching for the fluffy bathrobe I left on the lounger—
Oh.
He’s placed it around my shoulders like he used to do, when I was…I was someone he felt responsible for.
And I just don’t get it.
I saw Sadie kissing him, and now he’s here, taking care of me like he used to—
Wait.
I finally realize something’s not right here, and the next thing I know, I’m already blurting the question out—
“What are you doing here?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Oh.
He never used to have problems sleeping when we were together, but…I can’t really read anything into that, can I?
Because I saw him with Sadie, anything unusual now could be linked to her, not me—
“What about you?”
Anything unusual like the way Ruel sounds so aggressive now, almost like he’s raring to pick a fight with me.
“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”
“I…”
Why does he sound so furious?
“It’s already two in the morning.”
Comprehension finally dawns. Ruel’s friends with Keiran, and since he recommended me for this job, of course he’s concerned about how I’m doing at work.
“I had trouble sleeping, too,” I say awkwardly.
“You never used to have trouble sleeping.”
Why do I feel like he’s accusing me of something? And why is he making insomnia sound like this gross workplace violation?
“If you’re worried about whether I’ll wake up on time, I promise this won’t affect—”
“That’s not what I asked!”
“I…” The way he’s suddenly snarling has me stammering the first thing that comes to mind. “I h-had a nightmare.” The words make my conscience sting a little, but I try convincing myself it’s not exactly a lie. You can still have a nightmare while you’re awake. I think it’s called a daymare—
“About what?”
You.
Because it’s true. Seeing him with Sadie Amparo is the stuff of—
"I didn't realize our marriage was that bad."
No. Oh no. I’m so dead.
The penny drops the moment he says those words, and the realization finally has my head jerking up—
And what I see…
And what I don’t see…
“R-Ruel…”
I can only whisper his name as I look at his too-beautiful face, and though we’re all but strangers now, it doesn’t erase the fact that I’ve lived with him for eighteen months, and so I know.
I know, even with him gazing at me with dark eyes that yield nothing—
My heart just knows because it remembers.
Ruel looked exactly like this when he told me of the times people blamed him for what his father did. He told me he understood why it was so, but I also understood at that time that understanding didn’t lessen the pain.
Their reaction to him had still hurt.
And it’s the same way I’ve just hurt him now.
“I d-didn’t mean—”
“You don’t have to explain.”
I shake my head. Explaining is exactly what I have to do because him being my nightmare…it’s about me being a burden to him, and…and him kissing Sadie—
“And you won't have much longer to wait either.”
My stomach starts tying itself in knots when I hear this.
"It's why I came here, and I've already spoken to Keiran. He's giving you the day off tomorrow. We'll have a meeting with our lawyers in the conference room.”
Ruel hasn’t really said the word, but I hear it all the same.
Divorce.
It’s what we don’t have much longer to wait for.
Divorce.
He’s here to end our marriage for good, and it’s what makes me just watch helplessly, unable to say a thing as he walks away.
All I can do is just stand there as the door swings shut behind him.
It’s really going to happen.
Come tomorrow, I’ll no longer be his wife.