Chapter 22
Junie
If I’m going to get my heart broken, I want it to be on my terms. I’ve already given my heart to Silas without meaning to, so why would it matter if we slept together a few more times?
To me, that’s just pushing back the inevitable.
I know I’m going to have to go back to Starview, I’m not dumb, but I want to stay in this little bubble for a while.
This is a daydream I don’t want to end.
It’s perfect. Well, as long as I don’t think about what happened yesterday. Here’s hoping I don’t have any trauma from that, because that’s the last thing I need to relive in my nightmares.
“What are you thinking about?” Silas asks when we are cuddling post-sex. We both realized quickly we didn’t have as much energy, but that didn’t stop us from taking advantage of our time.
“Nothing. Everything.”
“That’s… helpful.” Silas chuckles.
I gnaw on my lip, wondering if I want to ask him all my burning questions now or wait until later. But honestly, I don’t know if I will get a later, so I decided to ask now.
“Will you tell me about being spellbound?”
Silas tugs me closer to him, and I melt into his warmth. “You remembered that?”
“I remember everything you said, Silas. Yes. And I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Glad to know I’m on your mind.”
“Will you tell me?”
“Yes. I’ll tell you.”
My chest expands as I breathe a sigh of relief. I expected him to push me away, but I’m glad that he’s going to give me something. Even if it’s only part of the truth, it’s a start.
Silas rubs small circles on my back as he tells me the story. “When Stella chose her fated mate over me, I begged her to stay. To, um, choose me. It’s not my proudest moment, but at the time, I didn’t understand why she would choose someone she had just met over someone she had been with for years.
“But after she left and went west, I knew I couldn’t endure that kind of heartbreak again.
I was devastated. I couldn’t attend meetings.
I became reckless in fights. It got worse over time because I shut everyone out.
My heartbreak wasn’t only causing me pain, though; it caused my pack pain.
They rely on their Alpha to be strong, to hold them together, and I wasn’t doing that. ”
“Silas, you couldn’t have done anything about that. You had to grieve.”
He lightly laughs. “You think too highly of me, Junie. There were a lot of nights when I went on a killing spree, chasing down any rogue wolf that looked my way. There were weeks when I wouldn’t leave my cabin, not wanting to talk to or see anyone.
Stella was friends with everyone here, and they all loved her as much as I did.
It was hard to look at the others without thinking about her. ”
“But that all changed?” I ask, hugging him tighter, as if that will help with the pain.
“There’s a council that keeps the paranormal creatures in check. They, um, noticed I had become unfit and gave me an ultimatum. I had two days to get my shit together, essentially, otherwise they would find someone else to lead the entire north.”
“What? How would they expect you to push your emotions aside in that short amount of time?”
“Well, considering that period of my life lasted a year, I knew I couldn’t. Not alone, at least. I needed help.”
“So, you got a witch.” I lean back, wanting to look at him as he finishes this story.
Silas nods. “I had Jake seek a witch who was able to put a spell on me, hoping it would only be something I needed short-term, but over the last decade, I never saw a reason to get rid of it.”
“What is the spell? How did it help?”
Silas bites on his lip, and my heart beats faster as I wait for him to answer me. All I want is for him to be honest with me, to tell me his truth. All I want is to understand him.
“It had a temporary shield for my emotions. For about six months, it helped temper the grief. I was able to keep my position and get help to manage my pain.”
“But it’s still in place?” I ask, confused. “What does it do now?”
“I’m unable to seal a mate bond.”
“What?” My jaw hangs open as I try to process what Silas just revealed. “Isn’t that… bad?”
He half-shrugs. “It’s in place to save me from heartbreak and ruining the pack. I can’t let what happened in the past happen again. It’s why I reacted the way I did when I learned about us.”
“That I’m your mate.”
Silas smiles softly. “Yes, that you’re my mate.”
“And you’re not heartbroken?” My voice is so quiet, I almost can’t get the words out.
I always thought hearing this would mend the cracks forming in my heart and give us the happy ending we deserve.
But it doesn’t feel that way. My heart hurts for the future we could have, one I can see so clearly—running the pack with him, if only he would choose me.
“I didn’t say that.”
“But…”
“Junie, I can’t. I just… There are too many variables. You have Forever June. You have to go back to Starview. I have the pack. There are still rogue wolves to take care of.”
“But—”
“You almost died, and I wouldn’t survive if you did, Junie. I wouldn’t.”
I can only nod to let him know I heard him, knowing now there isn’t anything to do to change his mind.
I may have found my person, but that doesn’t mean the timing is right.
There could be a million things standing in our way, and it’s only because fate decided it was time for us to meet that we did.
“Maybe a different time,” I say, no longer able to keep my tears at bay. I tried. I really did. I’m not strong right now. Over the past week, I’ve changed. I’ve had time to sit with my thoughts, think about what I want, and learn that I need balance.
Life can’t be all about work.
I can’t give everything to Forever June anymore, I know that, but I also can’t up and quit and move here. Silas is right, even though I don’t want to admit it to him.
I do have Forever June and my life back in Starview.
Silas still needs to consolidate the northern packs.
He has more on his plate than I could even imagine.
So, for now, I won’t push him.
I won’t suggest trying again, even a year or two from now.
If it’s fated, it’ll happen. Right? Isn’t that what being fated means to begin with?
I hope so, because as I settle back into his chest, I don’t know how I’ll live without Silas by my side.