34. Turtleneck
THIRTY-FOUR
TURTLENECK
Cade
This summer was the best one I’ve ever experienced. Was it all because I spent almost every day with Halle and got to go on countless spontaneous adventures with her? Absolutely, yes. But that doesn’t mean that it didn’t suck when we reduced our relationship to just friends.
Obviously, being just friends was never an issue all these years, but I was finally starting to get a taste of what it was like to be together.
But that’s all been slowly changing with the seasons. The concert last night was one I’ll never forget and I think it was everything I needed to finally have the confidence to have a real conversation with Halle about us.
I made a reservation at a restaurant for our last night here and it just happens to also be the night that I’m hoping our relationship takes the next step. When I went to her hotel room for us to walk to dinner, I noticed that she was wearing my turtleneck that’s been missing since January and that trusty maroon leather jacket. She always takes my breath away, but seeing her in that? I’m having a hard time sticking to my plan and not just blurting out the question that’s been on the tip of my tongue for all these years.
We’re seated at the table and I’m slowly losing my courage to really talk with her. Talk about us . The sudden realization that the moment’s finally going to happen has me spiraling. My lungs feel like they’re on fire from my erratic breathing, my cheeks are warm, and I can’t stop bouncing my leg. I shouldn’t be acting this way, but I feel like I’m going to pass out, so I let out a big shaky breath to try and start over, but that catches her attention. Get yourself together, Cade .
“Cade, are you okay? You look like you’re going to throw up.”
“I’m fine—no, I’m great. Everything’s great. I’m great.”
What is wrong with me? Luckily I’m not trying to be an actor, I wouldn’t win any awards for that one. It would be nice if my songwriting brain would turn on and help me find the right words to say.
“Something’s been up with you today.” She quirks an eyebrow before sweetly adding, “You can trust me with whatever is going on in your pretty little head.”
Did she just call me pretty? No, that’s just what people say. Cade, stop overthinking it . I know I can trust her, she’s who I trust most in this world—sorry, Abbott. But I can’t just tell her that I’m in love with her and have been since we were kids. That would be crazy!
Right?
“Nothing’s up!” I say a bit too quickly, I clear my throat and take a sip of my water. “I just mean I don’t know what you think you’re picking up on, but it’s nothing to be concerned about, Valentine.” I reach my hand across the table and hold her hand in mine and slowly begin running my thumb over the back of her hand. “I’m fine. This fall’s feeling crazy and exciting already, so that’s all that’s going on up here.” My mouth slides up into a smirk as I sit back and look as relaxed as I can.
“I know you, Cade. I know you better than almost anyone?—”
“Wrong.” My first thought accidentally slips out. I watch Halle’s jaw drop immediately. “You do know me better than anyone.” I jump to complete my sentence, charmingly.
Halle’s lips close back into a soft smile before she continues what she was trying to say before I cut her off. “And I know there’s something more going on. But I won’t push it, I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”
How does she do it? Halle just knows me , I’ve never felt more seen and known and valued by anyone than I do by her; she does it effortlessly.
“Hal, I promise that if there’s ever anything to tell you, I will.” She smiles at me and I almost tell her right then and there, but I feel like I need some air to collect myself and get my thoughts straight. “I’m gonna go outside for a couple minutes, feels a little stuffy in here. I’ll be back in a bit.” I lightly smile and get up from the table. I bend down and peck her cheek, and then head to the restaurant’s outdoor patio before she has a chance to say anything or try to follow me.
I shouldn’t be this nervous around her, I’ve known her since we were kids. We grew up together, I’m used to her and being near her. I wish this was as easy as the movies made it out to be. But, it’s not, and I need to get a grip.
The Canadian night air greets me like a cool kiss to my blazing skin as I step outside. It’s an instant relief to my spinning thoughts and I already feel more myself and back in control.
The door to the patio swings open and I hear the familiar footsteps of my favorite girl. She is so radiant. Her eyes are gleaming and the way her curls catch the moonlight is a sight unlike any other. My knees start to buckle and I have to double my strength to stay standing.
“Cade, I don’t know how we got to this point in our relationship, but I’m really happy we’re here.” Relationship , it’s like she knows and is begging to hear me say it. “I just…” She stops, searching for the next words. “Cade. I like you. I like you a lot. I know I’m not the easiest to read or deal with sometimes. I know my weird insecurities have gotten in the way of this .” She gestures between the two of us. “And I want you to know that I’ve always wanted to be upfront with you about my feelings, but it always felt like something was in the way.” She looks around the otherwise empty patio before continuing. “Um, sorry for dumping all of that on you, but I’ve wanted to tell you that for a while.”
“I’ll always listen to you, Hal. Lately, our conversations are my favorite ones. You always know just what to say.” Truthfully, they’ve always been my favorite ones. “And, I have my own confession to make.” It’s now or never. “I’ve always liked you, too, Hal. I think I have ever since the first time I saw you when we were kids.” My words come out barely above a whisper.
The lighting tonight makes her green eyes look emerald and I’m losing myself in them. For what feels like minutes, we stand there staring at one another. Taking each other in and relishing in the words that have finally been spoken after so many years of being locked in a cage.
I can’t get enough of you . I can’t help but think that every time I see her. She is the poster girl of my dreams and I so badly want to scream it from every rooftop.
“What?” she asks. I turn and look around, it’s still only us out here. How long have we been out here?
“What?” I feel like a parrot, but I don’t know what else to say.
“What did you just say?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I didn’t say anything. Are you okay?” Should I be concerned? Is she hearing things?
“Cade, I saw your lips move and heard you say that you can’t get enough of me.” She’s wearing an expression I can’t quite decipher.
This cannot be happening . I used to not understand how people could not realize when they say things out loud but now it’s happened and it’s embarrassing and I sound like a creep and she’s going to want nothing to do with me.
She looks me straight in the eyes. “Honesty hour. Why did you say that?”
My heart’s picking up its pace. I feel my cheeks drain of color and I can’t help what I’m about to say.
“Because I really can’t get enough of you, Valentine,” I somehow manage to whisper. I can’t look at her, so I stare at the penny that’s face down by her feet on the ground, not going to pick that one up. “It’s not in a weird or creepy way. I just—um…” No, no, no. Songwriter brain, please turn on! I can’t be stumbling over my words now!
“You what?” she asks blankly, which isn’t helping my feeble attempts to figure out what’s going through her head.
“Hal, I’m trying to be real with you. My thoughts are so scrambled every time I’m around you.” I suck in a breath as I prepare to bear my soul and tell her the rest of the things I’ve been dying to say since the first time I met her. “What I’m trying to say is you’re my first thought when I wake up in the morning and my last one before I fall asleep. I can’t get enough of you. This summer has been the best of my life and it’s all thanks to you. It’s thanks to our daily coffee dates, our unexpected adventures, our drives. I’ve gotten so used to being with you that whenever you’re not around, I can’t help but want to be wherever you are. You’re my all consuming thought. Ever since we were kids. You have been the one constant in my life, even more than music, even more than Abbott.” I take a second to breathe. I still can’t quite gauge what she’s thinking. “Remember in high school, when Abbott and I went through that rough patch? When he started looking at schools for baseball and I wanted to be in a band so we rarely saw each other outside of school? I thought I was out of your lives, but you were there, you encouraged me to keep going. You listened to the songs, you embroidered my first hoodie.” I smile remembering the hoodie that sits in my closet. “Every one of your favorite Tryhard songs are about you. I haven’t told anyone who the songs are about, but everyone knows it. I couldn’t hide my thoughts on you if I tried. Halle, you’ve got no idea how bad I’ve wanted to tell you all this. I’ve always had the feeling that it’s me for you, or you for me, or both. God, I pray it’s both. I?—”
She cuts me off by crashing her lips against mine. I’ll take this as a good sign. My hands reach up to cup her face, mirroring how she’s holding mine. Each time we kiss is better than the last and, call me selfish, but I’m always wishing these moments would never end. I could spend an eternity with her lips on mine and it still wouldn’t be enough.
Her vanilla lip gloss coats my mouth and it brings back the memory of our first kiss in her family’s linen closet almost four years ago. I lightly chuckle thinking about how far we’ve come since then.
Halle pulls away slightly. “Please don’t tell me my kissing’s gotten worse and that’s why you’re laughing.”
“If I say it has, can we practice it some more?” I slide my hands down to hold her waist.
“Cade!” She laughs with her head tipped back.
I’m beaming at her and decide that it’s now or never. “Valentine, I’ve got a serious question for you.”
“I’ll make sure to give you a serious answer.”
This is it. “I know we’ve been dancing around it all year, and apparently all our lives…” I’m stalling. The question’s on the tip of my tongue. I don’t know why I’m stalling. I wouldn’t be asking her if I didn’t think I knew what she would say.
“Yes?” She draws it out, pulling me out of my head and back to her.
“Halle, can we please make it official?”
She smiles mischievously at me. “Make what official?” She looks away and taps a finger to her chin. “Do you want to post on social media that we saw The Band Camino in Canada? That feels like a pretty official announcement that they’re my favorite band. Oh! Or, maybe I could call Mel and tell her that you’re great at planning trips. That sounds very official .”
My hands wipe over my face in exasperation, clasping together in front of me. “Will you be my girlfriend?”
“ That feels pretty official to me now that I think about it.” She smirks at me. “Thought you’d never ask, Rockstar. Of course I’ll be your girlfriend.”
I kiss her again. The Halle Cooper is my girlfriend.
This time, I’m the one who cuts it short. “C’mon, let’s go back inside. I’m sure the restaurant staff is wondering why we left and if they can give our table away.”
I take her hand in mine, interlace our fingers, and lead us back inside.