Chapter 8 #2
“I’ll speak it the rest of the night then.” He smirks.
On second thought, please don’t.
“Maybe we’ll get Korean next time too.” He laughs a little.
“Yeah…that sounds nice, I miss home,” I say.
“Aww, now I really wish I asked…” He pinches his brows together.
“No..Carson, it’s ok! This is amazing!”
“Ok, next time though. I’ll take you to my family’s favorite spot.” He smiles softly. He’s already thinking about a next time? There’s something special about him wanting to take me somewhere he goes with his family. God, what am I thinking about right now?
“Yeah, sounds perfect,” I say quietly.
“Do you have any siblings?” I ask.
“Yeah, a younger sister, her name is Sara. She’s annoying as all hell, but she’s my little gremlin.” He smiles.
“That’s sweet.” I chuckle.
I used to wonder how different things would be if I had a sibling.
“What about you?” Carson says, tilting his head.
“I don’t have any. I know my mom wanted more, but she had difficulties having me.” I smile, faintly. The thought of seeing my mom sad throughout the years because of this hurts. I always hoped I was enough for her.
“Sorry to hear that, must’ve been hard on her.”
“Yeah…But I think it made us even closer. We always did everything together, with my dad too. He likes to garden…” I say. Carson smiles, his eyes fixed on me as I ramble.
“Sorry, I’m talking so much,” I say, biting my lip.
“No, no, you’re fine. Tell me…” Carson starts.
But the waiter comes back with our glasses of wine, and I realize we’ve been so engrossed with each other that I haven’t really looked at the menu. He places the glass of red wine down in front of me and the white with Carson.
“Are you gentlemen ready to order?” He asks, pulling out his notepad.
“Oh..I’m..” I stammer.
“We’ll take another minute, please,” Carson tells him, and he gives him a small nod and walks away.
“You’re the best cause I definitely don’t know what I want yet.” I chuckle.
“The best? You say that to all your dates?” Carson teases.
“Well, no, because I’ve never been on a date. I still haven’t.”
He looks very taken aback by what I just said, tilting his head to the side.
“What do you mean you’ve never been on a date? By the way, friends can date.” He says, and I’m definitely going crazy lately because I feel like there was a tone in the way he said ‘friends can date’.
“I just mean I’ve never been on one.” I deadpan.
“That’s kind of hard to believe.” Carson chuckles, picking up the menu and scanning it again.
“And why’s that? Because I’m almost twenty-four?” I scoff.
“No…” He laughs.
“So what is it then?”
“You’re just….a catch,” Carson says in English with a smirk.
“A what?” I don’t think I’ve ever heard this term before. My English isn’t completely fluent, so sometimes there are phrases I’ve not heard yet.
“Look that up later.”
“Carson, tell me now.” I insist, “Actually, I’ll just look it up on my phone.” I go to grab my phone, but Carson snatches it from my hands, him and his stupid hockey wrists.
“No phones at the table, how rude.” He says in a British accent, and I roll my eyes.
“You’re so annoying! I wanna know. This feels discriminatory.”
“We’re both Korean.” He laughs.
We finally make a decision on what we’re going to order when our waiter comes back around. We both get something different, so we can share. Carson really wants me to try his favorite dish.
“Anyways, wow, so I’m your first for a lot of things, huh?” He looks so smug and proud of himself right now, I can’t help but glare at him.
“Stop being weird, Carson.”
“How come you’ve never asked a girl out though? Too busy?”
“A girl?” I laugh.
Carson thinks I’m straight?
“Oh…” He tilts his head slightly.
Wait.
Did Carson really think I was straight? If he did…I didn’t think about the fact that he may have been doing all of this because he thought I was straight. Straight guys can be like that; they’re way more comfortable in their masculinity when their friends are perceived to be straight too.
“I…Yeah, I’m…I like guys.” I say, my ears growing hot. I feel like I’m under a microscope right now, “I thought you knew.” I add.
“Well, I guess that’s even worse.” He says, and I feel like I might throw up.
“What do you mean?” I ask, my body tensing.
“Because guys should be chasing you in the streets then.” He laughs.
“Carson! You fucking goofball.” I sigh in relief. I thought he was going to run screaming or tell me off, wanting nothing to do with me anymore.
And I just realized how much I would hate that.
* * *
I’m feeling a bit of dread as we arrive at my building. I don’t want this night to end now that it’s coming. He puts the car in park and gets out to open my door.
“What a gentleman.” I give him a small smile.
“Nothing but the best for you.” He says, and why do I feel like he means it?
“Well, thanks, Carson…It was really nice.”
“No. Thank you for going out with me again. Promise I’ll text back this time.” He winks at me.
“You’re so silly.” I mumble, shifting on my feet, “I’ll see you? Do you have a game?” I ask, furrowing my brows and fiddling with my sleeve.
“Yeah…But I’m serious, I’ll text you, ok?” He says.
My heart stops as Carson pulls me into his body, wrapping his arms around my waist. He’s so much bigger than me, I feel like he’s pulling me onto the tips of my toes.
God, we’re hugging, it’s just hugging. But he’s so warm, and I can’t help melting into him. I want to ask him to come up and cuddle me again, but I can’t blame it on drinks this time. This is so nice, so safe.
A different kind of safe.
I let my eyes flutter shut for a bit, and I swear Carson nuzzles into my neck and breathes me in before stepping back.
“Get inside, it’s cold.” He whispers, his eyes softening a bit.
“Ok…Good night.” I know I’m blushing.
“Night.” He waves and waits until I’m at the elevator doors before leaving.
I come into my flat and kick my shoes off.
Dinner was amazing, and that makes me feel so solemn now that I’m back home and alone.
I learned a lot about his family and their coming to America, that he’s a first-generation Korean-American.
He told me he hasn’t gotten to visit Korea much.
The last time was when he was a teen. He said it’s been especially hard since playing in the league because of the grueling schedule, and I definitely understand.
Lying the flowers down on the coffee table, I almost wonder how being there with him would be, but I don’t let myself get too carried away with that thought. Tonight was more than enough to feed my delusions for years to come.
I flop down onto the couch and turn my phone on to check Carson’s page; he took a photo of me earlier, and I know he thinks I didn’t notice, but I just wonder…And when I click through his story, there it is.
I’m on his page. My face burns a bit with embarrassment. What is wrong with me? Friends post their friends all the time. But off to the side, there’s wording that says ‘what a catch’ and I jolt up.
“I forgot all about that!” I squeak and open a new window to look up the term.
“What does it mean to call someone a catch?” I repeat out loud what I’m typing into the search bar, and my eyes widen at the results, my mouth going dry.
I open our text thread.
Me: Really Carson? A catch?
He’s such a flirt, I should’ve known, but then again, I’m always surprised by Carson saying things like this to me.
Carson: loool you looked it up?
Me: Of course I did!
Carson: lmao but you are.
Carson: a catch that is
Me: Is that so?
Am I flirting back with him now?
Oh god, he’s rubbing off on me. My face feels hot while I wait for his reply. Maybe I shouldn’t have fed into his ridiculousness, but I feel a rush of excitement as the little bubble pops up.
Carson: its so.
Me: You’re so annoying.
Carson: so you tell me often
Me: Because you are!
Carson: i love annoying you
Carson: you make the cutest faces when you’re annoyed too.
Me: What faces!? I do not!
Carson: you either roll your eyes or squint your eyes a bit like you wanna kill me.
Me: I do right now.
Carson: awww i’ll be honored to be your first victim lmao
Carson: assuming you haven’t done that before too loool
Me: I’m going to bed idiot.
Carson: aww boo i was having fun, stay up with me
Carson: be bad for once lol
Me: Good night Carson! I’ve got practice tomorrow.
Carson: alright fine, night bby
I throw my arm across my face and bite my lip.
Again with the baby thing. What am I going to do with him?
I laugh to myself as I get up to remove my clothes so I can shower and really go down for the night.
I shower quickly and lie across my bed, trying not to think about what it would sound like if Carson called me baby in his deep voice.
* * *
Training is going as usual, and Carson is back on away games since our dinner, but he’s still keeping his promise and texting me even if it’s just to say good night.
I didn’t expect this much attention from him.
I think when I was upset, it was mostly because he didn’t reply back and not necessarily because I needed him to be in constant contact with me, but now I feel like if he were to stop, I would be sad.
My skates glide across the ice as I finish up my final run-through of my program. Everything is coming together perfectly for the short. I’ve been nailing a huge percentage of my jumps, meaning the chances of me landing them in competition cleanly are getting higher.
I would be pleased with myself, and it’s great that Coach Peters thinks I’m doing amazing as well, but there’s always that voice in my head telling me to do better. I could jump higher, I could finish cleaner, I could be even more graceful.
I could score higher.
I make my way through the halls to rest in the locker room. My phone vibrates in my hand as I’m sitting down. A faint smile forming across my face when I go to check it.
Carson: i wanna go home we lost
Me: Yeah I saw. Sorry, I’m sure you guys will win the next one!
Carson: yeah…
Carson: i miss you…
He misses me…I’m glad no one else is in here with me.
I probably look ridiculous. I reread the message again to make sure he really just said that.
My heart thumps against my chest, and I know he’s playing around.
But I want to pretend for a bit he means it in the way I think I’m starting to want him to.
Me: What? You miss being snapped at?
Carson: yeah actually lol
Carson: miss your little snark in your little brit accent
Me: You’re obsessed.
Carson: i told you i am lmao
Carson: also i got this for you! it looks like you
He sends a picture and it’s a cute hamster plushie, I laugh to myself.
Me: You think I look like a hamster?
Carson: yeah they’re adorable
Carson: you’re cute with your little cheeks ;) those pretty dimples
Me: Carson, shut up.
Carson: lol anyways i do really miss you tho lets go to the fair its gonna open when i get back
Me: The what?
Carson: the state fair, i don’t know if yall have those in korea or england, do they?
Me: I don’t think so. What is it?
Carson: aww another first with me
Carson: its like games with prizes, carnival rides and food
Me: Like Lotte World?
Carson: sorta…loool its like lotteworld but super american lmao
Me: Lotte World, America version?
Carson: lol something like that but feels more local-y tho
Me: Well whatever it is, I’ll go with you.
Even though I know I need to let my body rest a bit more, as my sessions become more intense. But Carson just lost his game, and I know how much that sucks to not do as well as you wanted to as an athlete.
Carson: that just fixed my shitty night
Carson: you’re really the best
Me: I know.
Carson: lol see that’s what I like about you
That’s what I like about you? This man is literally the worst for my sanity. And to think the one time I end up somehow allowing myself to make a friend, it’s a straight man who loves to be flirty. It’s almost as if I like being in pain. I guess it’s not the worst thing in the world.
Because the worst thing in the world would be falling in love with your friend, and I think I’ve got enough sense not to ever think of Carson in that way.
I would never let myself lose like that again.