Chapter 9
The state fair is nothing like Lotte World.
Or maybe a little. We just parked the car in a dirt lot.
I can hear the sounds of the crowds as soon as we get out, and the smell of popcorn hangs in the air.
It looks and sounds fun; everyone looks so happy.
I just didn’t realize there would be so many people, or maybe I forgot.
I exhale, shifting nervously on my feet.
“You ok? We can go somewhere more quiet if you want.” Carson says, looking at me, his brows furrowed. Here I go, worrying him again.
“No! I’m fine, it’s just…The crowds is all.”
“Here…” Carson grins before grabbing my hand.
“Carson, I said I’m fine.” I roll my eyes, but his hands are warm, and I do feel a little better.
“Relax, baby.” He smirks.
I feel my cheeks getting hot, my eyes widening. I guess I got what I wanted in a way because he said it. But we’re in public. He starts laughing as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking. So embarrassing.
“Carson!” I warn, swatting at his arm, “Alright, alright, I’ll stop teasing you.” He says.
We make our way through the gates after Carson hands the attendant our tickets. I look up at Carson as he’s looking at the map, our fingers laced together.
“We should play a few games first, then rides! Does that sound good?” He looks so happy right now, and I love that this happiness is shared with me.
“Yeah, sounds perfect,” I mumble.
“Great.”
“And Julian…Let me know if it’s too much, ok?” He looks down at me with a small smile.
“I will.”
“Ok, let’s go! I wanna win you something.” He laughs.
The first game we approach is throwing darts. I guess you have to throw a certain amount at these balloons to get one prize. Carson approaches the booth. He asks the attendant for a few tries, they exchange a few bills, and Carson picks up the darts.
I noticed he becomes so different in competitive situations, it makes him even more attractive. I can’t help but stare at him.
“Carson…you can let go of me to play, you know,” I say.
But he just pulls me closer.
“Watch this.” He says before picking the darts up and flicking each directly hitting his mark every single time until he’s all out of darts. Am I seriously getting turned on from a stupid dart game?
“What prize would you like? You got enough balloons for pretty much all of these.” The attendant says, gesturing toward the prize wall, which has a ton of stuffed toys. But my eyes light up at a big bear with a bow around its neck.
“Can he have the bear, the big one with the bow?” I turn to Carson, my eyes wide.
“Carson, that thing is huge! Maybe we’ll get the smaller one!”
“It’s fine, I’ll run back to the car and put it away.” He grins, “I know you want it. Don’t decline my gift, it’s disrespectful.” He laughs, and he’s right, it is, but still, he’s so much.
I mean, I really do love the bear, and the fact that he won it for me feels so nice. Has anyone ever won anything for me?
It’s usually the other way around.
The attendant hands us the bear, and it’s so soft, I nuzzle into it. Carson is smiling at me, and I roll my eyes, “What?” I deadpan.
“You’re too cute. ” He ruffles my hair.
“Can you stop! You’re gonna ruin my hair.” I push his hand away.
After putting my huge bear away, we head back into the fair.
Carson plays a few more games, and I realize this man is just good at every game, probably every sport.
He won basketball, the darts again, and some game where you roll a ball into a hole.
I swear it’s the hockey wrists. We had to get a little bag to hold all the prizes he’s collected.
“Now you can say I’ve given you the most plushies anyone ever has too.” He gives me a cocky grin.
“Ohm please,” I roll my eyes.
“Let’s get on some rides!” I nod as he pulls me along lightly.
“Which one do you wanna do first? Are you scared of heights?” He teases.
“Actually, I’m not.”
“Oh, I am.” He laughs.
“You’re joking.” I squint up at him.
“I’m not.” He laughs again, “I’m serious. But I still do it anyway.”
“Yeah, I guess you need a little humbling.” I chuckle.
“You’d love that, huh? Seeing me in pain?”
“Doesn’t sound too bad now that I think about it.” I put my finger to my chin in wonder.
“You’re so mean.” He nudges me before pointing to a pretty big roller coaster, the biggest one they have.
“Let’s start big then tough guy.” Carson grins.
“Sounds good to me, scaredy cat.” I stick my tongue out, and he shakes his head at me with a smile.
We just finished three coasters and bumper cars. Carson is currently holding his heart, trying to catch his breath off to the side after the ride we just finished.
“Alright, let’s make the next one chill. I’m gonna have a heart attack.”
“Aww, can’t keep up with me?” I tease.
“Seems I can’t.” He chuckles, grabbing my hand again. He’s really been making sure to hold on to me this entire time, and I could never tell him I’ve gotten used to the crowds because I don’t want it to stop.
“Let’s get on the lazy swan.” He points, it’s a ride on that goes through a tunnel on the water. It looks relaxing.
“Sure.” I nod.
We pay the attendant, and Carson gets inside first, he turns to me and holds his hand out for me to grasp onto as I step in and sit down next to him. We both get comfortable before the swan starts to move on its on but there’s also little pedals if we want to move it faster, I guess.
“Are you having fun?” Carson looks over at me as we enter the tunnel.
“Yeah, thank you for taking me here.”
“I’m glad you’re enjoying it. I love seeing you enjoy things.” He says softly.
“Oh…” A wave of heat washes over my body.
The swan sways a bit as I gaze up at him; his eyes are so intense, my breath catches. It feels like we’re frozen in time, the air around us shifts, and I realize something I might not be able to outrun.
What makes Carson different, how much attention he showers over me, and how he just lets me be. I rarely think about skating when I’m with him; my performance doesn’t matter, all that matters is that we’re together like this.
And right now he’s looking at me as if I hung the moon when I’m just enjoying silly rides and rather greasy food. He’s not expecting anything from me. I’m being truly seen for the first time.
There’s no scores with Carson Young.
“Carson…” I start softly.
I….I want to kiss him.
I want to kiss him.
“Yeah?” He replies, his face inching a bit closer. Too close. I feel exposed, it’s suffocating; I need to get out, but I can’t.
Our fingers brush, and I jolt back, shocking us both.
“Julian! You ok?” He asks, worry etching his features.
“I…I don’t think I like this ride. Can we get out?” My hands are shaking.
“Oh…It’s a pretty slow ride, but I think I can pedal us to the exit faster.” He says, before he starts to do exactly that.
Carson gets us back to the dock as fast as he can. The ride is awkward, tense, and I think this is the first time I’ve ever felt like that around him. It’s unbearable; the longest ride of my life.
The attendant helps me out as soon as we’re pulled to the dock. I swallow, my mouth going dry as I walk away from Carson. I need to create as much distance between us as possible.
“Julian! Wait! What’s wrong? Are you ok?” He touches my arm softly, and I feel like it’s been set on fire. I want to pull away, but I don’t want to hurt him. He’s being so sweet, and I’m being a freak right now because I want to kiss him.
“Yeah, I just…I just got a little claustrophobic, can we…head back?” I stammer.
“Of course…Anything you need.” He says, reaching to grab my hand, but I pull it back slightly before I even notice what I’m doing, and I wish to never see the hurt on his face again.
“Sorry, I…I just don’t feel good.”
“It’s ok.” He says quietly, gesturing me towards the parking lot.
* * *
The car ride back is also extremely uncomfortable, and I wish I hadn’t made things like this. I can tell Carson wants to fix it, because that’s just what he does, but my walls are closing in, and I know he can feel it too.
I’m terrified of myself, of what I’m feeling.
“We’re here,” Carson says softly, and I know I need to say something, I need to apologize.
“Thanks Carson…I…”
“Julian, I’m sorry if this was too much…Maybe I should’ve taken you somewhere quieter.”
“No! It’s not that…I’m just, I’m so sorry. Please, you did nothing wrong.” I bite my lip.
“I need a bit of rest.” I try to be normal and give him a small smile. But neither of us is buying it.
“Of course, rest up. I’ll be at the rink tomorrow, so I’ll see you.” He still looks worried, and I feel like shit.
“Yeah, I’ll see you. I’m sorry again.”
“Julian…Don’t be! It was nice.”
Yeah, until I ruined it.
“Ok, I’m gonna go inside.” I point to the lobby and open my door to get out, but just before I can leave, Carson grabs my hand. His palm warm as always.
I almost relax.
“Julian…I” He looks at me, and I’ve never seen this expression on him before. He’s biting down hard on his lip, avoiding my eyes. Why do I feel like I’m going to dread whatever he’s about to say?
“Yes?” I mumble, and when he finally looks into my eyes, I think he can see it too.
“Nothing, just text me when you’re inside, ok?” He smiles.
“Ok…”
And that’s the last thing I say before heading into my flat.
Once I’m inside, I don’t text him. I run to the bathroom, turn on the cold water, and splash my face with shaking hands.
I’m going insane, and the room is definitely spinning a bit.
I feel like I need to lie down. I should lie down.
So I return to my living room and do just that.
I open my phone and start on a text message.
Me: Hi Coach Peters, I have a little request, if it’s not possible that’s fine, but I was wondering if I could change my training time.