Chapter 10
I’ve always been average in studying, not bad but certainly not very good, just average.
Unfortunately, average here is often not good enough.
But there’s one thing my parents figured out I wasn’t average at: figure skating.
I would hear them being told often that I was some sort of protege, a rarity, I guess.
We come from a city called Hongcheon, a little way from Seoul, and I would frequently visit the rink to free my mind.
The pressure of school was always getting to me.
I had started competing in smaller competitions pretty early on, winning gold almost every time.
Soon, I had been scouted and went off to Seoul to hone my skills further.
Just seeing my parents beaming ear to ear every time, bragging to their friends back at home about how amazing I was and how I was going to be an Olympian. It made me feel like I was flying.
Then one day it just started to feel suffocating; not the act of skating itself, no, but the pressure of winning. I never want to see them stop smiling.
I’m finally getting into a bit of a routine with my new school here in Seoul.
It’s been a bit of an adjustment, especially without my parents.
Feeding myself, studying, and training on the ice; it was a lot to juggle at first, but I think I’m used to it now.
I walk into class and take my usual seat behind the most popular boy in school.
I get why he’s popular; he’s really beautiful, and he’s also the top student in our class.
I guess I’ve also amassed a bit of attention too, because the other students caught wind that I’m going to nationals this year.
I’m expected to make podium, to take home gold.
That didn’t stop them from whispering about me though: “He skates well, and he’s pretty enough, but his personality is kind of bad, isn’t it?”
“I think he’s kind of cold.”
As if I couldn’t hear them.
Was I cold? Or was I just quiet?
Not that I cared, the only thing I cared about was winning.
I had been working extremely hard, so hard some nights I feel like my body might fall apart after practice.
And thank god I’ve been granted half days when needed.
The teacher walks in right after Jaein takes his seat in front of me; I can smell his strawberry-scented shampoo from here.
“Ok, class! It’s time for your annual group project. You’ll be working on this project in pairs, which I’ve already decided on, so don’t even look to your friends.”
The entire class sighs in disappointment.
Group projects are always dreaded, but they’re not as bad with people you know.
It doesn’t really make a difference for me since I haven’t spent enough time at school to make any friends.
So I don’t think I care who I end up with as long as they do their share of the work.
“Juyeon and Jaein! You’re a pair.”
Oh, I didn’t think it would be Jaein, though. My mouth goes dry when he looks back at me and nods. I nod back, and he turns back toward the board. Ok, maybe I do care about who I get paired with. Anyone but him would be nice.
We all split off with our partners after class; we’re allowed to move to a quieter space outside the classroom to start working. Jaein and I decide to find a corner in the library away from everyone and what feels like everything.
“Alright, this is gonna be our secret spot.” He declares with a soft smile. Our secret spot. Right. The way he says it makes my skin flush.
“Ok…sounds good,” I say quietly and sit down on the floor against a bookshelf. Jaein comes down to sit next to me, a bit close, I think, but I don’t say anything because he feels warm.
“Your skating is pretty cool.” I look over to him in shock.
“Oh…thanks,” I mumble, my cheeks growing hot.
“Well, let’s get started, shall we?” Jaein chuckles, pulling out his textbooks from his bag.
* * *
Jaein and I have been doing great with our project. We decided to meet twice a week in our spot to work on it. I’m pretty sure we’re going to ace it, especially because his academic skill definitely precedes him; I guess textbooks are to him what the ice is to me.
I almost feel bad for not being able to do as much, but he tells me it’s ok. He’s so sweet and caring; he always brings me fruit and sneaks me milk in, even though we’re not supposed to have drinks in the library. Water and paper don’t mix, and we can be a bit careless.
He always asks me how my practice is going. He says he wants to come and watch me skate. Honestly, I hope he does. The first person outside of my family, being Jaein makes me feel way too giddy. We exchanged numbers, sometimes we stay up all night texting back and forth.
Jaein: You fell asleep in class today lol
Me: Yeah and you didn’t even wake me up..I got in trouble.
Jaein: Sorry you were too cute…figured you were tired from skating.
Me: Oh….thanks? I guess lol.
Jaein: I’ll bring you more snacks to make it up to you
Me: I’d like that :)
I know it’s stupid, but I think I’m starting to like him.
More than a friend.
It’s two days before nationals, and I should definitely be focusing on my skate, but I really want to see Jaein today. So, I told him we should meet up to polish our project. I think I want to tell him how I feel.
I want to confess.
“Jaein…”
“Hmn,” He hums, the sunlight hitting his face perfectly as he looks over at me.
“I….I think I like you.”
I feel his entire body tense beside me before he flinches away.
I never want to see that expression again.
* * *
That year was the first year I not only didn’t win gold but I didn’t even make podium.
I tanked my short program, and I just barely made it through my free skate, missing the podium just shy a few points.
That was the first time I ever cried stepping off the ice.
I felt like the biggest disappointment. My mom embraced me, and I could hear her telling me I did great, but I knew that was a lie.
I hated everything, including myself for allowing this to happen.
I barely spoke at school for the rest of the year. I also asked to switch home rooms. I would immediately leave class and head for the ice. I borderline ate and slept in my skates. That didn’t stop rumors from following.
But that was the last time I didn’t make podium.
I moved to the UK shortly after to finish up high school.
There, no one ever spoke to me. There, I struggled to know if I even wanted them to or not.
And maybe deep down I did want them to. Maybe I did want a stranger to approach me and strike up a conversation.
But that never happened, so I became even more ok with myself.
I returned home, head clear, to become the national champion, holding the title ever since.
* * *
My lips part on a sigh as I curl up in my black duvet.
The only light present in my room is from a small mood lamp.
I haven’t seen Carson since the fair. I made sure of it.
I changed my training schedule so I wouldn’t have to see him at the rink.
Their team is pretty busy, so it’s been easy to miss them.
But that doesn’t stop Carson from texting me.
My stomach drops as I hear my phone ding.
I feel like someone is squeezing my heart with their bare hands.
Carson: julian…please talk to me.
Carson: what’s wrong…
Carson: did i do something?
I hate that he thinks this is his fault.
But this is all too much for me. Everything I want to say to him is swallowed by everything that could go wrong.
I’m jolted from my bed by a knock on the door.
I go to check through the peephole, and it’s one of the staff for my building; they’re holding… the bear from the fair?
I open the door.
“Hi…”
“Hey, this was sent for you.”
“Thank you,” I say, grabbing it, and they nod, heading back to the elevator.
I close the door and set the bear down on the couch. There’s a little note stuck to its bow. My heart is racing.
I hope you’re doing ok Julian.
I’m sorry about what happened.
Didn’t mean to overwhelm you.
You forgot your bear…
I’ll be here when you’re ready.
Carson. Tears threaten to fall as I reread his note.
I hate this so much, and I wouldn’t know what to say even if I did want to tell him.
Hey, I like you, and I want to kiss you, and that’s bad for me, so I freaked out and ran away from you instead.
Sounds so ridiculous, and it wouldn’t fix anything.
I can’t ever do that again. I need to focus on competing, what I came here for.
This may be my only chance to go to the Olympics, and I can’t throw that away for anyone.
So I’ll just sit here and cry instead, nuzzling into the bear Carson won me that smells like him now. My eyes are burning with tears, the first time in a while I’ve had a good cry. My phone lights up with a call; it’s from my mom.
I wipe my tears and grab my phone to answer the call. It’s so late there she usually never calls around this time.
“Mom?”
“Juyeon-ah…” She croaks.
“Mom! What’s wrong!” I sit up straight with worry.
“Your dad, he’s in the hospital.”