Chapter 11
It’s freezing back home as I step outside the airport.
The car my coach sent for me is waiting when I arrive, and I get in.
I ask him to take me straight to the hospital where my dad is.
I spent the entire flight unable to sleep or eat.
My throat is dry from dehydration, and my hands are shaking.
I need to eat something soon, but I need to see my dad.
We arrive at the hospital, and I check in before going to find my dad’s room. My mom is waiting there. She embraces me when I enter. The room is grey and cold.
“Dad…” I say softly and approach his bedside.
“I’m ok! Why’d you come home? You should be training.” He says. I knew he’d be like this, but I don’t care. I would always come, even if it were every day. This isn’t his first heart attack; his health had started deteriorating when I was a teenager, leaving him unable to work.
And, me as our sole provider.
I don’t mind it, I just want them to be happy and healthy, I’d give up anything.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’m still here.” He says, looking away from me, “Did you eat?”
I sit in the chair next to his bed and lay my head on his hand.
“I will.”
“Let’s get you something.” My mom softly pats my back before leaving the room. The silence between us is comfortable.
“Should’ve stayed in America. I told your mom not to call you!” He says.
“Dad, you had a heart attack.”
“People have them every day.” I shake my head. He’s impossible, so I don’t even try. We sit quietly until my mom returns with a tray of food, enough to feed an entire family. I don’t try to argue with her either because it’s the same song and dance of love and care.
“Juyeon-ah, come eat.” She sets the tray down on the table in the dining area. I made sure they got the best and most private room in the hospital, so this one came with a little space for your family to visit.
“Thanks, mom.”
I try to eat most of what my mom has brought, and I take a long sip from my cup. My mom smiles from the seat across from me. She puts more meat on my plate and pours me more tea.
“Mom, please, have some.”
“No, no! Eat. I already ate.” She smiles, “I’m just happy to see you.” She says, and I almost want to cry.
I missed them so much.
* * *
I’ve woken up to my alarm in my old room for a few weeks now. After my father was discharged, he wanted to return to our home in Hongcheon instead of their home in Seoul. Our house here is much more traditional and cozy than their luxury apartment; even the smell is familiar and soft.
I roll over and press snooze with a sigh, inhaling the pleasant scent of flowers; the flowers Carson has been sending daily. He’s created an ever-growing garden in my childhood bedroom.
At first, I wondered how he even got my address here.
I’ll be having a little chat with my coach back in New Jersey when I return, which needs to be soon.
He also sent gifts and food for my parents.
My mom has been trying not to snoop, but I know she’s wondering, and eventually it will become a conversation. My heart jumps just thinking about him.
I see him in my dreams at this point.
Picking up my phone, I find clips from his team’s latest conference after their recent win. Carson is sitting at the table, looking just as handsome as the last time I saw him. He’s smiling so charmingly as he answers all of the reporters’ questions. They ask him one that really sticks out to me.
“So, are there any superstitions that’s been helping you guys out with your winning streak lately?” They ask.
“My lucky hamster, I suppose.” He says, chuckling. The journalist laughed a bit at his answer.
Lucky hamster.
My eyes start to sting a bit with tears, “You’re so silly.” I whisper to myself. I miss him and his ridiculous superstitions.
I get up to open the side door that leads to the garden area from my room, letting the breeze in and putting some of the vases on the ledge.
My own little flower shop.
Liam has also been checking on me since I’ve been back in Seoul, and this feeling of having people outside of my parents who care about me and my family overwhelms me; it’s a good overwhelming though…I think.
Speaking of Liam, I’ve been thinking about asking him for advice on what I should do about Carson.
I mean, he’s married, and they seem happy, healthy, above all.
I never had a friend to even ask these things to, so I don’t even know where to start.
I could just ask, I still need to reply to his message he sent yesterday morning, his time.
I thumb through my text messages to find Liam’s. Morning time here is the only time we’re both still awake, so it’s now or never, I guess.
Liam: hey just checking on you, hope everything is ok with your dad!
Me: Yes, he’s still doing well. I should be back soon.
Liam: that’s good to hear! I can’t wait to see you again!
Me: I can’t wait to see you too!
Me: So…I think I need some advice.
Liam: oh!?
Me: Yeah.
Me: Some boy advice?
Liam: boy you say? I’m listening, maybe I can be of service to you oh little one lol.
Me: Lol please.
Me: Sooo…There’s this boy, we became friends and I..I think I like him?
Liam: oh that’s good!
Me: He’s straight.
Liam: oh.
Me: And I think I’m allergic to vulnerability.
Liam: ooohh…I can see how that could be a thing lol. suprised you’re even sharing this.
Me: HEY!
Liam: Loool. I’m assuming he doesn’t…know you like him?
Me: No he doesn’t know. Its just he’s so sweet and caring and I’m soo….
Liam: wait why do you think he’s straight?
Me: He posts with girls all the time.
Liam: LOL I don’t think that means that
Me: I mean, I told him I was gay, he never said he was…
Liam: He also never said he wasn’t?
Me: Ok but that’s not the point here. ITS ME, I think I’m the problem is the bigger problem. I wanted to kiss him and ran off and we haven’t spoken since. Then my dad…
Liam: wow Julian. I think you need to talk to your friend.
Me: My friend…Right.
Liam: Yeah communicating with him…a good friend deserves that.
Me: You’re right…
Me: Thanks Liam.
Liam: Don’t sweat it and Julian..It’s ok. Life isn’t linear.
Of course, Liam is right. I’ve been feeling like shit because I know I’m being a bad friend to Carson by avoiding him just because I’m afraid.
Even with the way I’ve basically ghosted him, he’s still treating me so well and always thinking of me.
I feel tears stinging at the corner of my eyes just thinking about how horrible I’ve been.
I wipe my tears with my sleeve and head into the dining area. The smell of the breakfast my mom is working on hangs in the air, reminding me of summer days when I was little. She’s just finishing plating everything for us as I’m sitting down.
“Morning, Mom. Do you need any help?” I ask.
“Morning, no no, you can eat, your dad is going to rest a bit more.” I nod, grab my chopsticks, and start eating.
“Juyeon-ah?” My mom sits down across from me.
“Hm?” I hum.
“I..” I look up at her from my food, and I suddenly know where this is going. She looks cautious.
“You’re getting a bit older and…you’ve never introduced us to anyone…”
“Mom…Please.” I plead, not knowing if I even want to have this conversation right now, a conversation I knew was coming anyway. But there’s way too much going on all at once. I’ve barely admitted to liking someone, now I have to tell my mom, too?
“I’m just saying if there is someone…It’s ok.” She says softly. I know she’s referring to the flowers filling my room.
“There’s no one,” I say, looking away, my jaw clenching.
“Juyeon-ah…I know work is important to you, but it’s not the only thing that matters.” She says, and I put my chopsticks down.
“And…Having you here is just as good.” She says, her brows furrowing.
“Thanks, mom.” I sigh.
Because I don’t know what else to say. She’s never said these things to me, and maybe it is because I’m getting older, I don’t know.
I’m only turning twenty-four, but yes, it’s obviously true I’ve never brought anyone home, let alone even mentioned being interested.
And though it’s been unspoken, I think my mom has long since deduced I like men.
Mothers usually just know.